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trial separation, and how to live through it (limbo dancing)
Hi,
My partner informed me 3 weeks ago that she wished to have a trial separation. Actually, her exact words were 'I want to adopt on my own', which when queried meant that she didnt wish to be with me any longer. We have been together for 11 years, and have a daughter of 7..we lived together in a house that we jointly own.
My ex had wished to adopt a child due to the difficulties we experienced in trying for another one biologically. numerous tests indicated no medical reasons for the lack of a newbie, and she even had an operation to repair her womb following damage caused by the caesarean section needed for our daughter. I didnt haver any wish to adopt, based on reasons that now seem quite flimsy when compared to the happiness it could have brought my ex, plus the life changing impact on someone else too, namely the adoptee. I didnt wish to upset the applecart..in other words, I only wnated a child that we produced together, and felt unable to deal with any baggage brought along by an adopted child. However, I agreed eventually to apply, which hit a snag when i admitted to the occassinal cigarette - i had forgotten my partners advise to expressly NOT mention this, as it would hinder the application.
We then had a reprieve and the agency decided that we coudl reapply and I simply had to attend a new leaf course..i kept promising to go, and never got round to it. so, when she meantioned that she wished for a trial separation, this scenario seemed to be the cause.
Further conversations really reveal that she doesnt know what she wants right now..doesnt know if she wants to stay together, or if she wants to step out..i suspect this is a finding yourself scenario, where the 'me' has been so lost by trying to work with a partner, that its a time for time and space, and to evaluate. i have tried so hard to give the time and space, but I'm really struggling to adapt to my new reality, of looking for a new house, being away from my daughter and missing my ex's smile and warmth.
i have mentioned relationship counselling, which she is considering without giving an answer one way or another right now. I saw her recently, and was concerned as she had not spent much quality time recently with our daughter, and hadnt brought any fresh food for sometime. although i thought that naybe i was interfering / trying to control yet again, i do think its also a case of looking after and out for them...but then again, should i be doing that? i dont want us to drift apart as part of this separation, but i cant control what she does and thinks.
do i let go now, or hang in to see if we can rebuild to a better relationship?
Comments
Your love and concern for your wife and daughter is apparent from your post and it's good that you seem to want to continue in this even though you're separated. The process of adoption is lengthy and stressful and I wonder if this has contributed to the problems in the relationship. Being able to adopt sounds hugely important to your partner (less so for you?) I wonder if she feels unsupported in this? or even that you're perhaps inadvertently blocking this? I'd definately say it's worth going to counselling as a counsellor will be able to help you both explore what's going wrong in the relationship and look at changes to improve things. You could contact Marriage Care or Relate for help in this. I hope things work out.