The ex or the relationship?
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20 February 2012 @ 16:49
Hi there,
I broke up with my boyfriend of 5 years almost 6 months ago due to having a bad year with trust issues, complications and his immaturity getting to much.
Long story cut short, I thought I was over it, turns out my studies merely distracted me and now I cant get him out of my head ... I know that time was needed but maybe 6 months is enough?
I just cant put my finger on it ... If im missing him, my ex ... or merely being in a relationship.
Any advice or similar stories?
Thanks
LJ
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Comments
Getting upset when you talk about the relationship is likely to be about getting in touch with the reality of the ending. Which is part of that inner journey.
The 'what if's' sound familiar, which I think is a common reaction.
I think as time goes by there's a tendency to remember the broad details of what took place, but not the finer detail, or the way in which the whole situation impacted on the relationship at the time. Being in a situation, and having a memory of it, are two different things. Memory is selective and provides us with a stored synopsis of the past. On recall we bring back the main points and then fill in the finer detail as best we can. When looking back on a relationship that has meant a lot to us, I think it’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking that if only the pieces had fitted together slightly differently things would have been so much better. Which includes thinking: “if only I’d done xyz differently”, and if only “s/he had done zyx differently!”, etc, etc.
The bottom line is that letting go emotionally as part of the inner journey out of a relationship where there was a strong attachment is not easy, and it takes time.
I think the process of ‘letting go’ makes sense of the term: “Parting is such sweet sorrow!” i.e. there is some painful comfort in thinking about the person and the time together, but the memories draw out the sorrow that follows such parting, and the tears help to wash away the pain.
So little wonder that you have some confusion of feeling, I think most people do, I know I did.
It can be hard to do, but when I drifted into the “if only’s”, and the “what if’s”, I used to check myself and focus on the reality of ‘what was’, rather than: ‘what might have been’. Having said that, most of the time I spent with my partner was great, and I look back on those times as some of the best in my life. But nothing lasts forever, and that includes relationships, which can burn out, or people outgrow them, or for some other reason they run their course. Love is such an intangible emotion: we feel aglow when we experience it, and so deserted when it goes; perhaps feeling cheated if we don’t get an explanation should it go as suddenly as it came.
I always remember seeing Germaine Greer on a TV program, when, in the characteristic way that she has for trotting out truisms, she said: “It’s no good blaming someone because they stop loving you - these things just happen!”
Which can sound harsh and numbingly logical, but it does make absolute sense.
So if you do find yourself feeling you should try and apologise for not loving him enough, just forget it. You would probably be rubbing salt into the wound, and if you think about it deep down, you would probably be doing it for you anyway!
Treasure the fond memories that you have of your time together, and keep them separate from the unhappy times. But don’t forget the reasons that caused you to feel it wasn’t to be, because they explain why you are where you are now.
Sky
Wow, an 18 year relationship ... that must have been hard to get over??
I like your point about the sub-concious looking out for him ... its hard and disappointing when I don't see him.
Oh yes, i've cried but sometimes I hold it in which I guess isnt really a good thing to do. I've always said im an emotional person, which I am ... but I doubt that when, like a time like this, I am unable to distinguish exactly what and how I feel and in the end because I cannot put my finger on my exact emotion.
I haver found writing the letters therapeutic indeed. Im just, very confused and I hate it! When I talk bout it, like tonight with my mum, I get upset and go over the 'what ifs' and the apologies I have to make sometime, somehow.
Oh how the simple days of life have gone ... How did you cope with the end of your 18 yr relationship end? How did you know you didnt want him back but merely grieving and then moving on?
LJ
I think it's useful to think of an inner and outer journey when uncoupling - I came out of an 18-year relationship, and it helped me to make sense of what was happening, although it's much clearer looking back some years on.
Your outer journey is six months down the road, but it sounds as if you have been occupied elsewhere until recently, and so there is still plenty of emotional work to be done on your inner journey in order to come to terms with the loss, and maybe some unfinished business in relation to him due to developing a more distanced perspective due to reflection and hindsight.
The tendency you have to look out for him is quite common when coming to terms with separation – it’s like a semi-conscious searching. John Bowlby has written at length on loss and separation and he comments on it in his early works. People who have recently suffered bereavement often have moments of thinking they have spotted their lost ones as part of subconsciously scanning around. So it could mean that you have started to mourn your loss, rather than being a sign that the break was a mistake.
Detaching from someone who has been very close to you means missing them, and working though the pain of pulling away. Feeling sad is part of the journey, some people feel lost without their partner, and some feel abandoned. Separating from a long-term partner can feel like part of you is missing, which is something I felt after my 18-year relationship ended.
You come over as quite a together person – have you cried as part of working through this loss?
You clearly still care about him, and maybe you always will, but that doesn’t mean that you still love him. He will always be someone you were close to for 5 years, and you’ll probably never forget him. Being “over” the relationship is more likely to be recognisable by being comfortable with the memories of the good times – I don’t think good memories have a shelf life, rather they become part of the people we are. Going through Christmas, and other memorable anniversaries often calls up memories and brings back feelings, as can going through difficult times when you are on your own. I think it’s quite natural to wonder how the other person is thinking and feeling at such times.
I think you are wise to think long and hard about what your feelings mean before contacting him. His strict ‘no contact’ strategy is probably his way of coping with the break up. From a distance it can be very tempting to think that the differences that produced the separation were more surmountable than they seemed at the time. But then from a distance most mountains look easy to climb.
Writing letters to people you are emotionally attached to can be very therapeutic – you don’t have to post them.
Talking to someone also helps, for one thing, hearing your words outside of your own head (as opposed to internal self-talk) can make them more real and bring a new perspective, which can help with grieving while also creating a bridge between the inner and outer journeys.
Sky
We had a bad year, and our continuous fights of his jealousy and what I felt was control along with his immaturity (I have quite the older head on me lol) got to much and I had to end it ... end it so we could stop being unhappy and for him to grow out of his immaturity a little and for him to find his own two feet instead of leaning on me as a mother source instead of a girlfriend.
I recovered quite quickly (or so i thought) throwing myself into my placements at uni and thinking I was fine. Boxing day was difficult as I always spent it at his and from there it was a slow slide downhill. However, in the past couple of weeks in which my break up has hit me iv realised that I have a lot to apologise for ... and actually I made the tension a lot higher than needed ... it wasn't all my fault the break up BUT until now, i have not seen how i contributed, I was as stubborn as he was and its only now I see my major mistakes (I wonder if he's realised his to?).
Im not in contact with him at all in these 6 months ... he wants nothing more to do with me if he cant have me. Im also going through a tough time with exams and family being ill. Im very confused bout what I feel when i think of him ... sometimes i smile, and feel happy for that im remembering, and we had such wonderful times together, I loved him so much ... other times im sad as I know its only a memory. But when im driving, im constantly looking for his car, and feel disappointed when i dont see it .... or brace myself if i see him in the local town, and never do and also feel a little sad for not.
I haven't spoken to anyone until recently and one problem is I spent my whole relationship listening to others, im a little wary.
I have a lot to apologise to him for, and have written a letter, but I dont want to hurt him more, and I dont want to get my emotions wrong and give him false hope. I long to see him, just a glimpse, i knew him for 2 years before our 5 year relationship and i;ve never gone so long with having zero contact and not seeing him.
LJ
Six months is not a long time when coming to terms with the ending of a 5 year relationship, and separating out whether it’s the person, or being in a relationship, that you miss is bound to be quite difficult.
We all have needs, and if those needs are not met for any length of time its hardly surprising if we think of the last person we were intimately involved with then they start calling out.
Maybe your studies were a strong distraction, and perhaps you haven’t worked through the loss of the relationship as much as you might have done if you weren’t studying? Even unhappy relationships have some good elements, and as time goes by, it can be easy to remember the good bits and to forget about, or diminish, the reasons for the relationship failing.
Also, trying to get something or someone out of your head can be quite self-defeating because you can’t make the attempt without thinking about it / them. Replacing the thoughts with something else, i.e. a distraction, is likely to be more successful.
What do you feel when he pops up in your head?
If you feel sad, maybe that’s a sign that you are still grieving the loss, and so maybe it’s worth processing such feelings for a while. Having allowed yourself to go with such feelings for a time, maybe you could close the episode with saying ‘goodbye’ under your breath before distracting yourself by switching your thoughts to something else.
Or, if you feel excited when you think of him, perhaps remind yourself of why the relationship failed, and consider whether the way you feel may have more to do with your needs calling out than wanting him back.
Have you spoken with anyone much about the ending of the relationship?
Your post is very condensed and to the point, in that you’ve: “cut the long story short”. Is that perhaps how you have dealt with the ending of this relationship, i.e. you’ve attempted to cut short anything that might have amounted to grieving the end of something that went on for 5 years?
Putting thoughts and feelings into words often gives them a place in reality that makes it easier to let go of their emotional content.
Sky