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She had affairs I'm torn apart.
I'm not an angel I was never put in a position to choose to cheat or not. Though I've defiantly had women interested in me ,one even stalked me just from flirting with her one time .
My partner has had affairs behind my back. For a long time I was just suspicious , though recently I found proof that I was right. It hurts so bad. I just don't understand WHY she did it. Our relationship hasn't always been great I guess I didn't at times give her the attention she wanted. I'm gutted , why can't I just leave her? , why do I still love her ?. She made me out to be an a-hole for apparently snooping , but in the end my gut feeling was right , Why am I the bad guy ? I haven't confronted her with the new proof. Why the hell can't I walk away I never hut her like this, I've never cheated on any girl in my life . Why am I the one who feels like crap when she has seemingly forgot she even did it?.
I guess I should start at the start of the story It's going to be a long read.
We met in 1995 She was just 17 and I was 21, It was love at first sight . She came from a strict catholic family who believed in arranged marriages , Her family was disgusted that I was Australian (we live in Australia) and not European like her. They made her choose between them and me , she choose me.
She had always talked about faithfulness being so important to her and that she wouldn't have sex before marriage . We messed around allot everything but intercourse (as you do)
When she chose me over family they kicked her out ,so she moved in with me , we still didn't have sex until I asked her to marry me and even then not for quite awhile.
3 months after we eventually had she sex , we found out she was pregnant , we were so happy to me it seemed my prayers had been answered with this girl. (oh I was terrified as well of course we were very young).
This is the part were some people will hate me but it does relate to the story. From the age of twenty I had been fighting a heroin addiction that my partner knew nothing about.
When she did find out , it caused a lot of fighting and eventually I promised to give it my best shot to quit.
And I did for a long time.(when your 21 a year is a long time lol)
Other then this our life was pure bliss ,when my son was born it was so great the best day of my life to date, no contest. We were very happy.
BUT , I couldn't stop my addiction forever (I was weak) I started using once a week , she found out , and to scare me she said she was going out with friends to take heroin herself . It didn't work , she liked it and we both started using once a week. To explain how much that terrible drug reels you in is impossible with my meagre writing ability.
So anyway our son grew he was such a beautiful child and we we're never were bad parents , he was always fed dressed well , never dirty always with a roof over his head. He was never present when we took drugs and has no memory of us being on drugs, thank god .
By the time he was 5 we had moved house many times (life wasn't perfect) around this time my partner had an affair with a our drug dealer while I was working my guts out every day.
This affair was never proven , just my suspicions though one of her friends told be she was having sex with multiple people. Which even though I was suspicious I didn't let myself believe it and of course she denied everything.
Just after this her mother died and a year later almost to the day her father. Her addiction spiralled out of control It was scary times . I believe she cheated on me with atleast 3 guys in this period but again . she would always deny it and I would always believe this girl who never wanted to have sex till marriage .
When I would talk to her about it she would be so convincing , it would leave me feeling like a bastard that I didn't trust her.
Not long after this we finally gave up heroin forever. I decided the past was past and put it down to being drug stuffed. Though of course I was still hurt and it (cheating) was always on my mind.
Years passed and we were happy I was always working and my partner let's call her Vi wanted to make a career she became a hairdresser (one of her lifelong dreams) She fought tooth and nail to get into the bluishness and I supported her the whole way. I was so proud of her . I mean we completely turned our life around.
Up to this point I can forgive anything that happened But you know, The not knowing kills me a little bit every day. They say if you forgive someone your meant to let it go ,it's not that easy.
Eventually we moved to a nice house in the city (2004) I thought we were happy.
Vi had to quit her job because of being unhappy with her very demanding boss , her apprenticeship not being signed off at the right time ect.
She finally found work after 3 moths of unemployment , in a small salon near our house .
I was invited to meet her boss and family ect and he seemed ok .
After 2-3 months of working there she started coming home very late from work , up to 2 hours late. Ofcourse I wasn't happy and quizzed her on why shes so late every time.
Then her attitude starting getting different towards me , starting fights for no reason ect.
Her boss ,lets call him Judas lost his licence to drive . So she started giving him lifts to and from work . So then she was coming home even later ect .
Well we didn't stop having sex infact she wanted it all the time. This scared me more then anything but I love sex so wasn't complaining.
There was one night she told me they had to do an outcall to colour a rich lady's hair and would be home quite late. now I would say quite late is an hour maybe 2 right ? She came home at 1am , her normal work hours are till 9pm. When she did come home we had a huge fight I asked if she was fucking him and she denied it. She had a great story about what work they did and that this lady gave her a DESIGNER HANDBAG (this part will come up later). Of course she was never paid for the extra hours. A few days later I found a ticket stub to a movie that we had planned to see together on our bedroom floor. She said it wasn't hers , I didn't believe her ofcourse .It certainly wasn't mine or my 9yo sons.
After this I was enraged and pretty dam sure something was going on , mind you there were allot more signs than those mentioned. Like her asking me what's worse in my eyes (after sex with me mind you) an affair or a one night stand. Then she said the most weird thing, ''If judus's girlfriend comes knocking on our door and says I've been fucking Judas , you won't believe it will you ? She's a crazy girlfriend'' ect ect. Why did I still believe in her ? please someone tell me.
Also around this time she started for the first time in our relationship hiding her knickers (mainly G-strings) in the back of the laundry cupboard every pair had what looked like semen on then. I know women can get natural discharge , if innocent why hide them . This started before I got really suspicious also.
Anyway the next week I gave, said crazy girlfriend a call. She invited me over and preceded to tell me how her and Judas had a open relationship , and that she had seen Judas and Vi kiss and , had walked in on them at her place under the covers on her roommates bed. I was shattered so shattered that I toattaly missed her advances on me at the time. Thing is I mentioned to the GF, lets call her little hottie or LH, that I'd be fine with an open relationship if I was having sex also (meaning her of course) To which she told me Vi can't stand the thought of another women sitting on my penis.
SIDE NOTE ...(I always suspected that Vi, Judas and little hottie we're doing more then just socializing when Vi would go to little hotties house with Judas for hours on end. At the time it seemed just improbable that my partner would have threesomes. One time she was over there for about an hour and I decided to video call her which she rejected the call. Then called me back a few minutes later and Vi and little hottie were sitting under the covers of LH's bed with just candles for light).
Why on earth did I ever believe this woman . She always said everythings in my head , she would never hurt me blah blah blah...She made me feel like I'm an untrusting bastard over and over.
So anyway I went home laid beside Vi and , she asked me where I had been , I turned to her and very nastily said ''when can you get your shit and move out''. Of course this caused a huge fight she called Judas and girlfriend right away , and I screamed at him that he's dead when I find him ect ect. My son heard all of this 9yo at this stage , poor little buggar . Vi still denied any wrong doing , But said we should break up because I don't trust her. So we broke up for around 2 weeks .
I've never known so much heart ache in my life. Even when people close to me died It didn't hurt as bad or for so long.
After a couple of weeks we reunited . And she stopped working there at my insistence . Then bam another bombshell , She finds out shes pregnant . with twins . Ahhg talk about mixed emotions.
So anyway I took it on faith that they are my children , and who knows maybe they are . Oh god I hope they are. Either away I will love them to my last breath.
They were born in 2005 Two healthy baby boys , my god how I loved them at first sight , but the pain of not knowing if their even mine behind every smile, every gesture. How can she live with herself?
It was tough raising them I lost allot of work and Vi couldn't work for years , her stomach muscles were badly damaged requiring many surgeries.
Though life in general was good. There were still times suspicious things happened . Nothing concrete just gut feelings that something was wrong again Oh and condoms missing at times but can't be sure, they passed though.
Fast forward 5 years GFC hit's I'm in and out of work Vi has opened her own salon that isn't making her a wage yet . Money is tighter then when we were junkies. No joke. We're fighting allot I don't think shes cheated recently or I haven't been suspicious for a long time.
BUT a couple of months ago I was looking for something in a closet that we don't use much , and came across that DESIGNER BAG (that turns out is just a cheap knock off) I know I shouldn't of but I looked inside.
And in a hidden side pocket found a pair of sexy pantyhose and a G-string covered in what looks like old semen. OK OK could be just vaginal discharge. Anyway she came home that day and noticed someone had been in the cupboard and got very angry about it. I didn't know I needed permission to look in a closet in my own home lol.
So anyway last night she and the twins were out and I decided to look at them again (with thoughts to getting them tested) But alas they are gone. So she moved them or threw them away.
Well that pretty much the whole story I've never even told my closest friends all these details. Didn't want them looking down on her . Because of course I still want to believe she was innocent.
I know it doesn't seem likely that she is huh?
What am I going to do? My children don't deserve a torn family like I had growing up.
Sorry for any bad spelling ect . Thanks for reading.
Comments
>>"What am I going to do? My children don't deserve a torn family like I had growing up."<<
I guess you carry on doing that you have done in the past, i.e. you live in hope that things might change for the better.
If your raison d'etre is based on keeping the family together for the sake of the children, then you have something tangible and worthwhile to hold on to.
Would you perhaps feel better about things if you both agreed to an open relationship in which you were at least honest with each other about third-party sex?
From what you say, she has had quite a few affairs, but you have stuck with her.
Would it be better to drop the pretence of fidelity that you have lived with for so long and try to establish trust based on an open relationship?
Only you can know the answer to that.
It sounds as if she is determined to reject the values that were drummed into her at an early age, and now lives with an inverted set of values, at least as far as sex goes.
From the history that you have provided, a problem with keeping within boundaries in various ways has been a problem for both of you in the past – re the drugs, etc.
I don’t think that it is love alone that stops most people from straying across boundaries re fidelity, I think personal values play an important part too. Being tempted is one thing, but what you do about such temptation is another. Feeling torn by love and being pulled across a boundary once is perhaps a sign of being human, but serial infidelity that involves repeatedly hurting your partner by cheating and lying is something else, imo.
She must know that she has hurt you a number of times, not just by having sex with someone behind your back, but also by deceiving you, and lying to you.
From your post, it seems that she has no sense of contrition about her affairs, but rather, tries to shift blame in your direction – a very poor indicator re the possibilities for change, imo.
If you haven’t tried it in the past, there is always couple counselling.
But, I think the first issue to address is whether she will take responsibility for her behaviour, and whether she really wants to change things?
The fact that you feel guilty/responsible for things that she is doing and has control over, suggests to me that she is in denial of any sense of responsibility – just my opinion of course.
I hope you can find someone to talk to about this, if nothing else, to off-load some of the emotional stress this must be creating in you. Any hope of a positive solution to the problems of your relationship is going to require genuine effort from her - don't fall into the trap of blaming everything on yourself.
Sky
Thanks for the reply. One of the reason I posted this is to finally get it all out , and it has helped a little. Also I read a lot of posts on here from people who are cheating , And I just really want to get across that their partner does know somethings wrong , and just how selfish it is.
As far as the open relation ship , looking back it was only at that time I felt that way , and only in desperation . I don't think it's healthy to have an open relationship , with children in the mix. In reality at the time I thought if I cheated also I wouldn't feel so betrayed. But I'm just too loyal to do it.
Even to this day I doubt if I'm even right , to talk to her you just wouldn't pick that she's the type to cheat.
Please more people comment it is helping me. thanks.
>>"I don't think it's healthy to have an open relationship , with children in the mix."<<
I agree with you on that.
Just wondered whether it might be easier for you to have things out in the open.
I also wondered if such an acceptance of openness might defuse any sense of excitement she might get from the secrecy and the risks of being found out. But if you’ve tried it already, then presumably not.
Could it be that because of her religious beliefs divorce is more unthinkable for her than infidelity?
You have been together for quite some time and gone through a lot together, so I guess she knows you pretty well - do you think she knows that you’ll put up with her playing around because of how you feel about keeping things together for the children’s sake? Is it perhaps your feelings on this, and her feelings about divorce, that keeps you both in such an unhappy relationship?
As you don’t mention anything about couple counselling in your reply, presumably it’s been tried, or is not acceptable?
I do wonder if your children will become more aware that something is not right as they get older, and whether there might come a time when it could be better for you two to separate? It’s such a difficult one! Children need stability, but they need other things as well.
Based on what you say in your post, this is not the first time you have been “torn apart” by her infidelity, rather it’s another episode in what sounds like a very soul destroying relationship? I can’t help but wonder what this is doing to your emotional and mental health?
What I find unusual about your post is that despite having been put through the mill several times over, there is still a lot of positive energy coming over in your post – imo anyway. You’ve been able to put a lot of your feelings into words in your post, and you refer to various emotional states, being angry, being heart-broken, grief-stricken, etc, and yet I don’t get a sense of anger, or depression, or anxiety being conveyed when reading your words. Your first post is quite long and contains a lot of detail, and my impression is that you’ve taken a lot of trouble over it because you are hoping for some suggestions re finding a way forward. You remind me of a boxer who’s taken a battering but is up on his feet again and ready to bounce back, while looking for some direction from the corner on the best strategy to use.
I just wish I could come with something a bit more helpful.
My hunch is that either there is a great deal of denial (at a psychological level) around on your wife’s part over how her affairs affect you, or she has some kind of agenda re pay-back, or maybe tit-for-tat rationalisation along the lines of: ‘he hurt me, so why should I care if I hurt him’. Revenge may not be the driver behind her behaviour, possibly there are other reasons for her affairs, and she neutralises/excuses any sense of guilt because of something you did, or maybe didn’t do, in the past. But then hunches are hunches, and can be way off beam.
I hope you get more feedback on your post.
Good luck, whichever route you travel.
Sky