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Sexless relationship
I really need some help as I am dont know what to do! I am 37 and my bf is 34 and we have been together for 4 months now. At the beginning of the relationship we were unable to have sex as he wouldn't wear a condom so I wanted him to get checked out to be safe knowing some of his sexual history. Then when all the tests came back clear it was weird and he told me that he was nervous about having sex with me. We had sex a couple of times but he did not climax and then he just stopped trying, we have had sex but not regular and not for 8 weeks now! We have spoken about it at length, but he is unable to identify the issue except he just doesn't see me as a sexual object, but as a future wife.
We have the most amazing relationship and love each other dearly but we just don't have sex and it is tearing us apart, we have split up over it but always end up back together as we don't seem to be able to stay apart.
I'm not sure why this is happening I have tried instigating it, wearing sexy underwear, suggested dressing up and even said he could have a porno on in the background but he rejects me every time, I love him so much that I feel reluctant to give up without a fight but don't know what else to try!
Please help
Comments
>>"but he is unable to identify the issue except he just doesn't see me as a sexual object, but as a future wife."<<
My guess is that the above is at the root of the problem.
If it is, then a porno video would be unlikely to help.
For things to get going again he needs to be able to see you as a sexual being as well as a potential "future wife".
First thing I suggest you try is to redefine 'having sex' as: 'making love', and to put penetrative sex on the back burner while practicing all the other ways of making love.
Anxiety is better than a bucket of cold water when it comes to dampening down sexual ardor, so the more you can do to lighten up the proceedings the better.
Massage is a great way to relax each other, so go for a few sessions of relaxation using massage oils, candle light, and soft music - no penetrative sex, just concentrate on communicating through touch.
After a session or two you might want to think about bringing him to climax using non-penetrative methods, but only if things are relaxed and such action seems welcomed by him. Keep penetrative sex off the agenda, and wait to see if he takes the initiative in that respect.
If none of the above helps, then I suggest you get some professional help from somewhere like Relate (relate.org.uk) ask them if you can see a counsellor who specialises in psycho-sexual issues. Such problems are not uncommon, and it should be something that can be sorted out with the right kind of help.
Try not to take his block on making love to you personally - it's about him, not you. The more tension that is raised around the problem, the less chance there will be of sorting things.
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