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Separate? Break up?

Posted by: Anonymous
Wed 7, Jun 2017 at 4:16pm
Making a Commitment

My boyfriend and I have been together 4 years total. I left him two years in because he was having doubts about getting married and having children. After three months no contact on my part, I finally agreed to speak with him. He said he was ready to "settle down" and we went through couples counseling before getting back together. The major crux of getting back together was that he agreed we would get married in a year or so. I was upfront about this throughout our relationship and counseling so he had every opportunity to say he didn't want that and leave.

A few months in, despite birth control use, I became pregnant. I told him I was keeping the baby but that if he wasn't ready for fatherhood that I would raise the baby. He said he was excited and that he supported me. Our child is now a year old.

He still hasn't proposed although he does dangle the ring he bought from time to time. He's become a jerk about the whole thing. I haven't nagged endlessly but I have needed to remind him of our agreement a few times.

I'm at the point where if we didn't have a child together I would've left him already. I stay because I don't want to have to be apart from my child (I'm sure he would fight for partial custody). I'm thinking of just leaving anyway. I don't see how someone. Oils have the ring and not propose after having it for a year.

A couple weeks ago, he asked his parents to watch our child so we could go on a date. As we left, his grandmother said "Welcome to the family!" and I had the impression that someone must've told her he was going to propose and she thought he already had. He obviously didn't propose. I think he just isn't ready, and he's wasting my time! I'm in my mid-thirties, financially independent and running out of time to grow my family. Is it better to ask him for a separation and see if he comes around, or just end it? I'm tired of being the "cow giving the free milk" and not having my own needs and desires met.

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  • User-anonymous Hope this helps Flag


    I'd give him a chance to explain why he hasn't proposed, maybe he is just scared of changing the way things are between you. If you are happy with him and have that commitment there then do you really need the ring?

    Thu 8, Jun 2017 at 1:20pm
  • User-anonymous Original poster Flag

    If marriage wasn't important to me then I would be content but that was the point all along. I don't care about the ring but I do expect a commitment by marriage.

    Thu 8, Jun 2017 at 5:26pm
  • 20170422_131809 kevin_yates Flag

    The longer you allow things to continue the way they are the more they'll just continue as is.

    You mentioned something big here about being tired of not having your own needs and desires met.

    In a relationship it's important that both partners are having their needs met. It shouldn't be a situation where one (or both) partners end up sacrificing their own wants, needs, desires and happiness as it will only end up with resentment, anger, stress and unhappiness.

    He needs to become aware of exactly how what he's doing (or not doing) by not honoring the commitment he made to you is making you feel.

    Ask him how he's feeling about getting married.

    Ask him how he feels about where you guys are at in your relationship. (And, don't accept one word answers like 'good' or 'fine') If he gives a one-word answer then ask him to tell you what are the things that are 'good' or 'fine' about your relationship.

    Ask him if he still wants to marry you. (If he says yes then ask him why he hasn't proposed to you)

    If he says he wants to marry you then ask him when he would like to get married.

    If he doesn't know or seems unsure then ask him what's stopping him or why he's uncertain.

    These questions will help give you clarity as to what's really going on with him and you need to hear it coming from him because it'll drive you crazy getting in your own head and wondering what the hell he's thinking y'know?

    Do everything you can to open the communication between the both of you.

    Ask him how he would feel if the situation was reversed and what would he do if you failed to honor the commitment you made to him. (How would you feel if I told you I would 'x' and I didn't? What would you do if I kept saying I would do 'x' and I never did?)

    He needs to know what you're willing to accept and what you're not willing to accept in the relationship, to be reminded that you went into this relationship together with the agreement that marriage was part of the deal, you trusted his word and his commitment to you and that he has the freedom to make his own choice and based on his choice(s) what the outcome is however try to come from a place of understanding as tough as that might be.

    If he feels understood it'll make it much easier for him to communicate with you.

    If he feels you're blaming or attacking him it'll make him defensive and when people become defensive they don't communicate well.

    It's like letting him know that you understand he may not be ready for marriage or not want it now or ever and that you get it. However, you are ready for marriage and that's something you want and if he's changed his mind about marriage and it's not on the table for him then you need to move on.

    Mon 19, Jun 2017 at 6:23pm

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