Please tell me what you think of this? what should I do??
Me and my boyfriend have been together for a few years now but unfortunately are currently in a long longggg distance relationship and have been for about 4 months now. We live on different continents.
My boyfriend has a few problems related to trauma and events in his past, he is a long-term benzodiazepine user and has very unstable moods. He also does not have a job and hasn't for some years.
We used to talk most of the day. I had been to stay with him for some months and coming back, it was my holidays and as he was getting really depressed that I had left, so we talked a lot and spent a lot of time on skype- most of the day in fact. I started to get a bit depressed too and I longed to go out but I lived in the middle of no-where, my friends had all gone to uni and whenever I said ohh i want to go out if one of my friends were back he'd be like ohh but I really need you, you see those things more important than me.
Last Monday I started University. I am so pleased to have been accepted into a good university and that I am studying what I love. But even about coming here there were problems. He tried to tell me ohhh but you could just come and stay with me, what's more important to you?? In the end he was "okay" about it and told me okay it's something you want to do, I will support you.
A few days before moving into halls, he started to get bad thinking that we wouldn't be able to talk to one another a lot and that I am going to change. I told him that it's going to take some getting used to but that if we are patient we will be able to adjust and make this work.
The first two days staying there were fine but then from Monday until now with a three day good spell in between were really bad and lots of arguments and bad moments. Last week was fresher's week and though I really wanted to go to one of those events I stayed because I knew that he would feel bad and was feeling bad. I wanted to go and get to know my flat mates but when I did that it was "they are more important to you than me."
Monday & Tuesday of that week he was really subdued and serious and I kept trying to get him to tell me what was wrong but nothing until in one moment he was like thanks for taking an interest in me and asking how my day was because I was stopped and searched by the police and then half of my face started to go numb and the taxi driver told me I could have an aneurism if i get stressed so I need to stay away from people who stress me (he's referring to me there)... I had been asking him what is wrong? what is it? don't keep it to yourself but just because I hadn't asked him in a certain way he didn't tell me?? I didn't really know what to say to that. Earlier I had told him that I would like to go out the following night to experience a fresher's event and get to know people but I knew that if I did he would make me feel guilty for it. He said that he needs me but why if previously he had been telling me I only stress him.
The whole argument continued and continued and He was telling me how I am not this and I am this (all the things he doesn't like) and I got angry and defensive and wouldn't let him finish his sentence before I was saying something and over-emotional. To those things he said he was sick of me doing that and that he can't tell me "his" things because I just get angry, I cry, I end the call or I just want to leave. That continued until Sunday. Saturday night I couldn't sleep at all and then on sunday we continued fighting and I didn't leave my room until the evening. At one point I just sat there crying non-stop just really hurting and my head just wanting to explode and I was asking him for some minutes just to calm down because I was not in a good way to talk right then and he just told me so you are going to just run away in the future with future relationships. That hurt too. Whenever I tell him that something he says or did hurt me it's always yes yes be the victim or yes always it's about you or yes yes it's all my fault. He says that he is only speaking the truth to make the other one a better person.
My memory is getting really bad. I don't even remember how we made up again but for monday, tuesday and part of wednesday this week we were good : Joking, laughing, smiling. He was feeling good apart from some issues he has with falling asleep or falling and staying asleep. As things were good and I really wanted to go out and meet people I asked him what he thought about me going out on Wednesday to a society social and in the end he agreed, even saying no i want you to go when i wasn't so sure about it and making me swear to him to go. So when I went out he was sleeping and I had a really good time. When I came back he was in a bad mood and i asked him what it was but he just said go and sleep, i waited a bit to try and find out but then he wasn't there so i went to sleep.
I woke up and he continued in that way but was talking to some random girl he met on an internet site. Then I went to uni, got back and he copied and pasted part of their conversation Which was him saying that I have changed, i care more about going out than I do about him even when i could see he was bad, he loves me but he doesn't feel it enough anymore that he always cares about everyone else but they don't about him. And she answered him with get rid of her, life is to Live laugh and love, if i truly cared I would have put him before me. And things like " Seriously if she is doing this and you are putting up with it, you have no one to blame BUT YOURSELF! It is NOT going to change UNLESS you STEP and and tell her point blank, and if she doesn't listen and does it again it is YOUR fault for putting up with it" and I just felt like what???? what have I done?? How am I so bad? Why do you tell a complete stranger who knows nothing about our relationship?? How does that make me selfish? I felt really hurt and angry and just told him after he said was that he wanted to laugh and have fun was: okay well i hope you find happiness that way and I wish you all the best.
And after some other things he just said fuck all this relationship.
so yes I'm thinking this is pretty screwed up...and I know it's not good. I just really don't believe how he could say that and take her judgement of me. I'm really at breaking point now. I love him but I don't think I can do this anymore. He hasn't found a job, isn't trying to solve his problems and it's getting worse and worse. But at the same time I feel so bad thinking of walking away, thinking of him getting worse and then him blaming me and hating me for it.
Please if you have any ideas about how we can make this work please comment. Or please advise me about how I can break things off with minimal damage.