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please help, do i still have a chance?
My boyfriend have been dating for almost 2 years now. When I first met him, he was head over heels for this girl, his true love. From what he told me, she really loved him too. But she always rejected him. They went on dates but never officially went out and she had 3 other guys chasing her at the same time too. Long story short, he broke up with me three weeks after we first became official because he found out that she was planning to ask him out the day after he asked me out, so he wanted to have another chance with her. I encouraged him and gave him space, because I felt like he would never get over her if he never had a chance to be with her. On new years, I decided to talk to him again to see how he is doing and I found out that he never got the chance because she avoided talking to him too.
We got back together for the second time after he tried his hardest to prove to me that he wanted to be with me more, and everything was fine. Our relationship became rocky whenever she gets mentioned and talked about for too long because I know that he never got over her and he had always been trying to convince himself that he was over her.
He tells himself and me that he loves me more than he did before, but tonight he realized that he is still in madly in love with her even though they rarely talk now. And we had a long, honest heart to heart talk tonight. He has a bad memory but he said he can remember every text, every email without ever having to open them. He keeps pictures of her (and all his ex and mine too, regardless of what happens to our relationship). He says that he has never felt as happy or smiled as much as he had when he was with her. He tells me he loves me, and loves me more every day, but he is also unsure if he will ever love me and be happy with me more than he with her.
He says that he will never dump me again for her because I am the best girlfriend that he ever had, and that he was stupid to dump me the first time and won't make that mistake again. He finally confessed to me that he went out with me for the second time because he felt guilty about dumping me like that the first time and also because he's scared of being alone.
I don't mind that he is going out with me because he's scared about being alone because I am scared of that too so I understand his fears, but that doesn't mean I'm settling, even if he might be. It pains me and makes me happy that I got this second chance because he felt guilty.
But lately, whenever I am unhappy, he seems less motivated than before to even try to cheer me up. He shows a sorry face and tells me that he doesn't know how to make me happy. He seemed to have accepted that I'm always upset and nothing he does will make me happy since he's the cause of my unhappiness.
She is showing interest in another guy who had been my boyfriend's competition. I don't think they are officially dating, but my boyfriend believes that they are together.
Please help give me advice. He may never love me as much as he loves her but do you think I can still have a future with him since he did say that he loves me more every day? Being second best hurts, but I love him as much as he loves her. Our breakup showed me that I can live without him, but my days without him were dull and devoid of any spark of happiness. Should I tough it out and hope that one day he'll come to love me enough that memories of her won't bring pain or that he will love me more than her? Or am I stupid to keep hoping for something that will most likely not happen.
I know this post was really long so thank you for taking the time to read it and help me out.
Comments
I think what you recognise in your penultimate sentence in the first paragraph of your post is likely to be the case, i.e. in his mind she is his ideal partner, and although a good part of it is probably fantasy, the fact that she won’t go out with him means that there is no reality testing going on, and so there may well be a timeless element to his feelings for her.
Consequently, I think you may always remain second best in that respect.
Seems to me that you are in a three person relationship, and the other woman has the advantage of not being real, i.e. she represents what he thinks is his ideal partner.
Your post has the familiar ring of: “He loves me, but he’s not ‘in love’ with me!”
I don’t think it’s “stupid” to live in hope of change, but on the other hand, would it be good advice to suggest that someone take a gamble on remaining second best in a relationship that is barely 2 years old?
My guess is that your fear of being alone, and your apparent willingness to accept being second best, says something about your self-image and confidence when it comes to relationships. In your post you seem to see two choices available to you: to be with him; or to be on your own?
Realistically, if you break up you will go through a period of letting go, during which you may feel unhappy, sad, perhaps even depressed, but then there will be light at the end of the tunnel.
Once you have completed the inner emotional journey you will be free to think about finding your ideal partner – who presumably (hopefully) isn’t someone who spends much of his time dreaming about someone else, and not you?
Feeling wanted is a boost to self-esteem, whereas feeling second best is more likely to deplete self-esteem.
It’s a relationship board cliché, but I honestly think you need to start telling yourself that you are worth more than this!
There is something quite sad about your partner, in that he’s with someone who cares a lot about him, and would like to have a real and loving relationship with him, but he’s living in fantasyland dreaming about a woman who doesn’t want him!
I think you need a feisty friend who will tell you to kick him to the kerb and take you out in search of a man who will be fully present in any relationship you have with him, and who can reciprocate the love that you have to give.
But, you will need to get over this one first.
Sky
Thank you for your advice Sky.
Truthfully, I do not want to be second best, not to him. I also understand that I am not only limited to him or nothing and that there are other men out there who may come to love me. I also don't want to make any guys out there feel the same way I do now.
I'm not staying with him only because I am afraid to be alone. It is part of the reason but the main reason is I'm the happiest when I'm with him, and he admits that he has been happy with me and that he can be happy with me. He just feels like he's not as happy as he could be.
I don't know if I can end my relationship with him knowing that he can love me and that he can be happy with me.