Please help - desperately need advice
I posted this a few days ago, and would like some advice from someone. I'm struggling so much to come to terms with my 2 year relationship ending :( i don't know what to do.
I was with my first love for 2 years. We met when I was 22 at work and I never thought i'd end up in a relationship with another girl, but yet it happened and she blew me away.
I messed up quite badly in the relationship without going into the details. She was never perfect in any of it either but I was always the one in the wrong by my actions, in her eyes anyway. I grew and changed so much within the relationship. Before, as silly as this sounds, I was so scared of anyone getting close to me as my worst fear is someone falling out of love with me so I guess at first, I wasn't ready for a relationship.
We were quite on and off, in the 2 years we broke up properly (or so I thought it was final) 3 times. It was usually after 2 months we ended up back together. She always 'forgave me'. We ended officially in February and yet during my finals I got a text from her saying she missed me. Without thinking, I drove 3 and a half hours to see her. That night was magical. It felt like we were back together. I had to leave the next day as I had left myself 1 day to revise a whole module but yet again I dropped everything for her regardless of the consequences of failing my exams. Funnily enough, i was moving on and over her, yet she must have had some sixth sense as after that night she had me all over again.
We ended up back in constant contact after that. She said to me we weren't back together, yet we wouldn't see or sleep with anyone else so I was faithful. As time went by, I hated the grey area we were in but yet she kept on saying 'we will never be together' and neither of us knew what we were doing - sleeping with each other, not getting with other people, it meant in my eyes anyway we were back together even though she kept on saying she was single.
About a month and a half ago we hit a rocky patch and we hardly spoke. I started drinking a few glasses of wine each evening so I could sleep as I was struggling. She in the end completely breaks it off with me over an e-mail, dumping me and saying we are done. I was devastated. All because she thought I was texting someone else when I wasn't. She said she had never been so sure in her decision in her life.
She's cut off all contact and we haven't spoken in 2/3 weeks now. I'm miserable as I bumped into her on Thursday night as I was going into a club. She turned round to me and just said 'what the **** are you doing here'. As the night progressed it was clear to me she didn't love me, didn't care and didn't care about me at all.
We always said that if we were to break up we wouldn't get with anyone else in front of one another. Well.. that Thursday I was dancing on the raised stage on my own and I look down and she's kissing someone else right in front of me. I am not an aggressive person at all, I never have been but i was upset, angry and hurt. I went up to the girl she kissed, said that she was my ex and we'd been together for 2 years and that she dumped me first over a text, then a voicemail, and then an e-mail. I then turned around to her and pushed her and slapped her 3 times. She walked off.
That night is haunting me. I am so upset over what i did. She clearly knows i still love her and have feelings for her. I apologised profusely over text but had no answer. I asked her to give me closure and i've heard literally nothing back.
I don't know what to do. Since we ended, she wants nothing more to do with me, and wants me out of her life. For me, I feel that I have so much to say still and feel awful for what I did. I don't want my last memory of us being that night. I want to end things amicably. I honestly don't know what to do.
I'm trying to get closure but i can't accept it. I was fine 2 weeks ago and now i'm struggling all because of that encounter on Thursday. I don't want us to be strangers with memory's. I want what we once had to be dealt with maturely and amicably so that we end on good terms.
I genuinely don't know what to do. I feel like quitting my job and leaving the UK for 6 months, i'm all over the place. She seems to have accepted it, i can't. She doesn't want me to move on, hence why i haven't had closure. It doesn't help that whenever we've broken up we've gotten back together so it's hard to come to terms with. When we broke up this time round, it was out of the blue as usually i've always felt we're going to end before-hand so was prepared. This time, something feels different, like this really is it but i still have hope and i don't know why. We were always in a bit of contact when we'd previously ended, this time, she doesn't want to see me, doesn't want to talk to me and there's no contact on her side. I don't know what to do. It's ruining me and my life at the moment.
Please help me.