Partner has left me after almost 9 years - reasons are complicated and unclear
This only happened on Thursday so it's still really raw.
My ex was being overworked, and suffering from stress and anxiety. He often had to take his work home in the evenings, which I understood. However, when he wasn't working, he was obsessed with Facebook. His posts were often exaggerated. It was as if he was creating a whole new persona on Facebook. He was also private messaging his colleagues. I felt excluded. He rarely mentioned me in his posts. I confronted him about it, and he said it was just banter between him and his male colleagues. I knew this wasn't true because I often used his iPad, which had his work emails on. I'd read some emails between him and a female colleague. They were overly friendly but seemed innocent enough but he would often mention that he had sent her a Facebook. I became increasingly paranoid and eventually confronted him on Valentine's day, and asked him if there was anything going on between him and this female colleague. He denied it, saying that he was not interested in her and that she was not interested in him, and shouted at me for not trusting him. We made up and everything was fine the next day. However, on Thursday when he came home from work, I asked if I could use his iPad whilst he was in the shower. Initially, I was just going to use it to check my own Facebook, but I still had trust issues so I checked his email. In an email to his female colleague he said "I've sent you a FB back and just mates is really really cool". Of course, I thought what the hell does that mean? I took his iPod touch out of his bag on the off-chance that it was still logged in to Facebook and it was. There were private messages between him and this female colleague, which basically said the following:
Him: We should go for a drink one evening
Her: I don't think that's a good idea. I don't want people in the office gossiping.
Him: How was your Valentine's day?
Her: My Valentine's day was rubbish. Guys don't really like me.
Him: Well I like you!
Her: That's nice of you to say that. I wish other guys were like you.
Him: To be honest, I've liked you for a while now.
Her: That's really nice of you to say that but I don't think of you in that way, just as a mate.
Him: Just mates is really really cool.
Anyway, I confronted him, we talked, decided to sleep on it and talk some more in the morning. Next day, he ended it with me. He's been at his parents ever since and is looking for a house share. We have communicated by phone and text. He has pretty much blamed his stress and anxiety for what happened. He admitted to having a Facebook personality and said that it was a form of stress release. He said that even if his colleague had been interested, he would not have acted on it, and that he pursued her more out of flattery as she seemed interested in what he had to say. He hasn't really said much about his feelings towards me. Just that he's a mess, psychologically, and needs to sort himself out. I suspect his feelings for me just drifted away because we were hardly spending any quality time together.
We split up temporarily for a couple of weeks about a year and a half ago. When we got back together, he put it down to his stress and anxiety causing us to drift apart. The situation feels similar this time round, but without the other woman.
I'm heartbroken, devastated, and extremely sad. Despite the fact he "cheated" on me, I just want him back. I wanted to work things out but he doesn't. I'm starting to accept that this really is the end this time but I can't stop thinking about him and crying, and checking my phone/Facebook for messages.
Help!
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Well, I was determined not to contact him whilst he was away in Poland, which I succeeded in... but then he rang me Thursday morning to let me know he got back okay... and that he hasn't completely closed the door on us and would ring me at the weekend. He texted today to say he would ring me tonight - I suggested we meet instead.
He said that the stress/anxiety caused him to have a complete mental breakdown. He said that there have been times when he has missed me, hence the texts/phone calls, but most of the time he just feels emotionally numb and doesn't know how he feels. He said that once he's moved into his own flat and made steps to sort out his stress/anxiety issues, he would like to meet up to see if we can work things out.
I have made it clear to him that if we did try and work things out, we couldn't just pick up from where we left off - we would have to start from scratch and he would need to share his FB account so I could learn to trust him again. I have also made it clear to him that he needs to let me know if he decides that he doesn't want to work things out and that it's definitely over, because I can't just be friends with him... I would have to completely cut him out of my life and delete him from FB because we share too much history and it would hurt too much to see him move on and potentially meet someone else.
Anyway, I'm still kind of in limbo but at least we both know where we currently stand. My question is, can a stress-induced breakdown cause emotional numbness? He confirmed that his feelings for me only waivered during those 2 weeks before he left, and I'm finding it hard to understand how he could toss aside a 9 year relationship without even trying to make it work.
You seem to be accepting this could be over and maybe you need to move on - but hey, go easy on yourself, it is very early days yet. It will be a long time before you feel OK about things, be kind to yourself and give yourself time to grieve and feel sad, that is absolutely OK. Do you have someone in your family or friends you could talk to about how you are feeling? Try to take care of yourself and eat and sleep as best you can, but accept things will be tough for a while. Let us know how you are getting on.
He's cancelled on me... We were supposed to meet for dinner tomorrow. He texted to say he's been called down to London tomorrow evening for work, and then he is away in Poland from Monday (for work). I rang him and asked him why he wanted to meet for dinner, whether it was to chat about things or just as friends. He implied it was just as friends... Stupidly, I got all emotional and started crying, asking him if he missed me at all, and whether it was definitely over. He still can't give me a straight answer but said that's why he needs to move out as he just doesn't know. I said that I can't meet him for dinner as a friend as it's torture for me. He's agreed and said that I need to move on in case things don't work out between us. I feel so depressed. I miss him so much and just want to see him, hear his voice, text him... but I know it's for the best if we don't see each other at all for the time being. Once he's found a flat, we need to meet up to sort out paperwork, etc. but apart from that I'm not going to see him. Certainly not in a friends-only capacity as I'm pining for more. I feel so lost and I'm struggling to see a future for me without him. It's only been 2 weeks and I've already lost a stone, and feel so light-headed all the time. I'm also struggling to sleep because he's not in the bed beside me.
It seems you're getting on well with him at the moment - long chats and really talking together again. But it looks as though it happens when he's ready or wants to chat. He doesn't seem to be thinking about how you might be feeling about things. Is that what you want?
Sometimes it's easier and seems less painful, in the short term, to let things drift, to keep him in your life (on his terms) and then there's no need to face the pain of break up. But it sounds as though you're having to face this pain many times as he's picking you up and dropping you down, asking you out but telling you he doesn't want a relationship. I'm hurting just thinking about it.
This may sound a bit harsh, but if you want something more than friendship, which you clearly do, then maybe it's time to move on. Perhaps let him know that the door will be open for him in the future - when he's sorted himself out. Not keep you waiting and not knowing whether you both have a relationship or not. One of the hardest things about a relationship is living with uncertainty of the other's feelings towards you. It may ease things a bit if you give him some time, whilst making sure you keep yourself busy and meet with friends. Maybe in the future he'll realise what he's missing and come back. You'll be able to decide then whether you've been better without him or you still want him in your life.
Let us know how things go.
Since I last posted, he insisted on coming to the flat to chat with me and explain what happened. We talked for hours. He admitted to still having feelings for me but said he didn't know if he wanted to be in a relationship with me, as he's such as mess at the moment and needs to sort himself out. He's now decided to look for a flat for himself as he says a house-share would not allow him to sort his problems out. I took this to mean he was moving on and that I should too, which sort of gave me closure... but then, the next morning he texted to say that he missed our good times but felt really ashamed. Once again, I felt like I was in limbo so I phoned him and we spoke for a couple of hours. He confirmed that although he still had feelings for me, he needed to be alone for the time being to sort himself out. He said that he doesn't know what will happen 3 months, 6 months down the line, whether we'll work things out, but at the very least would like to be friends. I said that it would take a long time (if ever) for us to be friends as I can't be friends with him when I still have feelings for him. Despite this, he has since texted me and suggested we meet for food later this week. I was in two minds whether this was a good idea or not. I think I probably will go as I have nothing to lose. If it's a signal he wants to chat, then I definitely want to chat. If he's simply feeling guilty and just wants to be friends, well I've already told him I'm not ready to be friends.
What's going on? I'm so confused. One minute he's sending me mixed messages, then next he's acting all cold again as if it's definitely over.
Have you thought of writing a letter to your partner telling him how you feel, including your view of why things have come to this?
Being highly stressed doesn't set people up for making good decisions, and in all probability, he will hit an emotional catch-up point once he has reorganised his life.
Sending an old fashioned letter through the post might be something he can use to reflect on once he has completed this “doing phase”.
It’s natural enough to want to ‘do’ something to get away from feeling stressed out, but he will have taken his propensity for being stressed with him. Even if at the moment he has come to associating your relationship with his stress, any sense of relief gained through this reorganisation is likely to be temporary.
Using the Internet in an attempt to escape from the realities of life is all very well, but if it leads to creating or aggravating problems at home, then its counter productive, and by flirting with someone he works with he was joining up the two realities anyway – digital persona or not!
One of the problems seems to be that although he’s aware of his stress, he’s not motivated to do anything constructive about it – possibly because he is unable to accept that anything will help.
The book I mentioned offers an opportunity to learn how the human body is affected by stress, and how to get some control over the body’s reaction to stress.
I think the best you can do is to let him know how you feel, and to say that the door is still open if he comes to a point where he wants to reconsider, and then, hard as it may be for you, to wait and see what his longer-term view is.
Sky
He's also taken all of his clothes and most of his personal items with him.
He has always refused outside help in the past. A doctor once prescribed him antidepressants, which he refused to take. Another doctor offered to refer him for cognitive behavioural therapy, but he refused and is adamant that it won't work for him.
I really think that this is the end as he's already viewed a few house shares. We've only just signed up to another 6 month lease on our flat, but he's agreed to continue paying half (as we both signed the paperwork and it's too much for me on my own - he earns more!). We own a car together but he's agreed I can have it. The V5 and insurance is in his name, and he keeps telling me he'll sort it out. I've told him I'm not ready to be doing paperwork as it only happened last week. It's moving far too quickly for me, and I'm not emotionally ready to be dealing with all the administrative crap and the splitting of our belongings... That's why I think it's definitely over though, because he's moving so quickly.
Ooops, forgot to post the link!
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Mindfulness-practical-guide-finding-frantic/dp/074995308X/ref=sr_1_8?ie=UTF8&qid=1329949935&sr=8-8
Get this book for him, it includes an 8-week course and a CD based around stress management. It will work provided he sticks at it.
I doubt that it's over between you - 9 years is a long time, not easy to walk away from because of a row over flirting, possibly with intent, but maybe not.
He probably needs some space to sort himself out – don’t give up yet, and don’t forget there are other ways of communicating besides Face Book.
It would be good to hear how things go for you.
Sky