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partner gone bi-sexual after emmotional affair
In 2009 my partner had recently found out I had a emmotional affair outside of our relationship, , whilst at the time myself was suffering badly with depression this of which this was partly caused through work through years of bullying at work. I realised there was something lacking in our relationship and This is something I have now dealth with through medical and cognative behaviour theraphy am better than I have ever been.
Which leads me onwards, this was in the summer of 2009, in spring of 2010 she asked me to move out, and declared herself bi-sexual which she had always been strongly against, which I did for several months. in this time she stated dating a then friend made through work which I had invited home as a friend, my partner then quite quickly developed emotional feelings for her which actually lead to the reason she asked me to leave. As this way she consiidered it wasn’t cheating on me as she wasn’t seeing me. Due to the lack of trust between us and developments between my partner and this woman, they saw a lot of each other, and effectively started dating. I one evning was in my home babysitting my son and had a phone call from her when she made a pass at me, I told my ex-partner now that I wasn’t happy about it, not realising that effectively they had been spending some time together this, then came out that I had arranged them to get together and that I had orcastrated the whole thing, that I had met her not from work at all, and generally turned in to a mess and loss of a so-called friend, and any trust that was left between us to a point as I had no way of defending myself or proving any different.
In the autumn of 2010 I moved back into the house after she told me she probably loved me more than what she should and having been living there with my son and her ever since.
We spend time together, function as a family, and do everything that normal couples do. But she sleeps in a separte room, she will have no physical contact with me with no intimacy sexually or otherwise.
I had hoped with passage of time, that we could heal things between us but I am not sure this is the cas. Over the past few weeks we have talked a bit and she in adement that she cares about me, that she is happy to move house with me and everything else couples do. But she has moved on from me and has no romantic feelings towards me.
She did say a couple weeks ago that she would see a counciller, but she can change her mind like the wind it seems.. I however do know that she maybe seeking bi-sexual experiences from other women and has said she wants to find peace in herself and wouldn’t see anybody else whilst this is going on between us. She has openly said that she considers herself single and not in a relationship.Yet she expects my support to her stressfull job and family committments and support in selling our house and moving in to rent so she can take a different job so she can leave the stressful one she has. I still feel connected and willing to support her in which ever way is necessay if we could form a realtionship again and move forward and heal the devide between us. she has said that this isnit possible and doesn’t feel that way towards me, romantically.
Aug 2012
This week she has decided that she no longer want to move togther and that she doesn’t feel anything any more for me, she is half at the point she is considering see a coucellor with me but cannot see the point too tell her how she feels
I know that she has been on bi-sexual dating website and lesbian websites looking at them but hasn’t joined any of them. (didn’t clean the history when our son was looking for his website).
She seems preocuppied with trying to sleep with other women and, and I believe this has altered her attention this rather than trying to sort things out between us, We have a 9 year old son and I would like to keep our familt together we have been togther 16 years and only in the past two had any real issues.
I have contacted a councellor to see myself - has anybody else been thrugh something like this???
Comments
What really stands out for me in your post is that you say you do not trust each other. Whatever your wife's sexuality is....imo it is less significant than the lack of t between you. You obviously loved and trusted each other in the past....but have hurt each other in the meantime. Counselling would help you both deal with this. There is also very good material on this site ...the video clip. In 'relationship insights' Changes and Stages of relationships is very good...have a look and see what you think.
Dear poster,
This sounds like a very terrible and difficult time for you.
Now, it is very difficult to make clinical judgements based simply on a post, but to me it sounds like your partner may be suffering a mild to moderate form of bi-polar or major depressive disorder.
The switching between sexual orientations (one minute being against bisexualism as you say, and the text being pro-bisexualism) and the abrupt and sudden change in her mind sound to me like classic bi-polar characteristics (mind you I am entering my MSc in Applied Neuroscience so I always look for an underlying neuropsychological ailment in people haha!). Her seeking a counselling would not help much, in total honesty, especially considering her unpredictable behaviour. A councillor may and probably would recognize the characteristics and refer to a psychiatrist (who would then treat with medications such as lithium and/or an SSRI).
Other characteristics that you have not mentioned that would also lead to this diagnoses would be:
- engagement in self destructive behaviour
- unpredictable mood swings
- severe attention seeking behaviour
- possible threatening to commit suicide (this is usually done to have you feel pity and or to manipulate you in some way to gain something from you
Unfortunately, if this is bi-polar syndrome you are experiencing, there is not much you can do. It is up to your partner to seek help and this can be very difficult.
Either way, the best thing for you to do is to walk away. It seems like she needs you more than you need her. She definitely seems to be manipulating you, using your love for her as a weapon against yourself. You should really evaluate your current situation and your partners willingness to seek help.
I wish you all the best.
thank you for your comments I do not think that she is suffering from bi polar depression I know because I have a do still suffer from depression but am managing it in a more positive way since I have reconised it and seek treatment. The change in sexuality Is very confusing and I am still unsure of this I know these has had a negative effect on our realtionship at the moment. But her sexuality isn't the issue but as he previous post says it is a lack of trust on both parties to some degree.
I think our relationship has changed in to a mature version, but she feels emmotional unconnected to me. He easy answer is to seperate rather than deal with the issues. We have spent very little 'Us' time together in the past few years have done up a property and had a little boy as a result of this and my post we have grown apart I still believe that it is possible top resolve some of the issues between us and make a postive step hopefully with a counseller to reconnecting with each other.
Unfortualetly she keeps saying that she doesn't need a counseller to tell her how she feels which is true what I would like hopefully from counselling is to find a way forward that doesn't involve seperating and work towards reconnecting with each other and putting some fun into our relationship which has been lost due to day to day life, we both know this yet I am dismayed but her lack of postive attitute on this.
I don't think that it has helped by friends in the past few days also agreeing with her that feelings can't be manufactured which i agree but to walk, but you can certianly have a go at giving yourselves a better chance by changing your routine and spending time with each other proper time that is.
She basically says but I'm with you all the time and would have thought something would have happened by now. I tried to explain but we don't actually spend US time together -
I will admit from what I want from a counseller is hopefully show us a path forward so she can see that as well not just say don't bother it isn't going to work. Relationships come with work and neglected they fail, when you realsie this you suddenly realise how hard it is sometimes to keep relationship going.
We both work hard and still enjoy each other company, we have most things that you work hard for in life............ But we lack one thing a emotional connection together...... any ideas?????????