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Help/Opinions needed please.
I have been married for 20 years to someone who has always been slightly controlling. Over the last 4 years we have grown apart slightly due to life, finance, etc. We have a son at 18 and a daughter at 15. My husband and son have nearly come to blows in the past and I had to get in the middle (my son is lovely) they seem ok now but just recently my daughter has been very down and shutting herself away etc. she has been hurting herself school told me i was devastated, i have recently found out she had low self esteem due to her dad calling her names etc putting her down, he said he is sorry and wants to put things right but only after i asked him to leave, what should i do?
Comments
It sounds as though some help for your 15 year old daughter could be a good idea, and I wonder if she and her father can work things out between them. She may want to express her anger to him, so it may be worth warning him of this so that he can prepare himself to react appropriately. It seems so sad for you to find that your husband has not been handling his parenting of your teenage daughter well. Would he like to try www.theparentconnection.org listening room? He would be able to chat online to someone.
I agree with the other poster about getting help for your daughter. People who self-harm often do it as a release because they are unable to find a more appropriate way of expressing difficult emotions.
So I think you may need to seek out some specialist help for her, but be prepared for resistance from her if straightforward counselling is offered. She may need a lot of patience and understanding to help her through.
If your husband is now prepared to question his previous attitudes and ways, then maybe Relate could help you and he to get on to a better footing, which might also take pressure off your daughter.
Even if he rejects the idea of counselling, no doubt you could do with some support?
Sky
Thank you very much, both for your comments. I have tried to get help for her but she refuses and says she doesn't want to see anyone about it she just wants him to move out. I am so unhappy and I just don't know what to do because she won't let me tell anyone about it so I just don't know how to help.
You've mentioned that your husband is sorry and wants to put things right but your daughter wants him to leave. I wonder what you yourself want? It can be very distressing for parents when a child self-harms and the natural instinct is to try to make things better for them. Your daughter is refusing help and seems to imply that she'll be alright when her father leaves. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but she seems to be in quite a powerful position in the family at the moment.
I think you need to get some support, and as mentioned earlier, I recommend Relate.
You can't make your daughter accept help, it has to be her choice. But she doesn't have the right to tell you not to talk about the family problems, including hers, in confidence to someone who could help.
I suggest that you tell her that you are respecting her right to refuse help, and that she needs to respect your right to seek help and support in relation to the problems of the family. It sounds as if you are being pulled in two different directions? But as the other poster has already said: what do you want?
It seems to me as if there are issue within your family to do with boundaries and mutual respect that need working on, and it looks as if you are the one that this challenge falls to, I think you need to stand firm and hold up this fact to your husband and your daughter, and maybe also your son too, if necessary.
Your daughter may be modelling her father’s behaviour by trying to take control of decisions in the family which are not hers to make.
You and your son sound close, and maybe he’s been trying to sort out things on your behalf?
My impression is that your husband has lost the authority that he should have as a father because he doesn’t have the respect of the children due to his inappropriate behaviour. He can’t just demand respect from the children, or you, he needs to earn it, and he needs to model responsible adult behaviour to his son and daughter in pursuit of that end.
My guess is that you are going to need quite a lot of help and support if you are to sort out the issues of boundaries and respect in your family – Relate have people who know how to help you do it.
The first step is about what you want to do, and once you are clear in your own mind about that, the next step will be about how best to achieve it.
I suggest you talk to Relate about those first two steps, and then see what follows.
Sky
You are both quite right, she is in a powerful position and I do just want to put things right. However it is quite obvious to me that she feels threatened by him, I have just picked up on that by watching her actions. She will shut herself away in her room and then come and sit with me if he goes out, she never says a word about it. if us two or her brother are all together she is more talkative and eats a meal with us, the rest of the time she is unwilling to eat and shuts herslef away. i'm afraid I can't afford to even think about what I want because my instinct tells me to protect my daughter whatever the cost to me.
Again you are correct, my son and I are very close, he is a lovely grounded young man whom I am very proud of but he doesn't know the full situation as I am sworn to secrecy.
Respect and trust has gone unfortunately from all angles, he has lost it through his own behaviour.
I will try and contact relate. Thank you but I'm not sure what good it can do. I've never felt so hopeless.
You are both quite right, she is in a powerful position and I do just want to put things right. However it is quite obvious to me that she feels threatened by him, I have just picked up on that by watching her actions. She will shut herself away in her room and then come and sit with me if he goes out, she never says a word about it. if us two or her brother are all together she is more talkative and eats a meal with us, the rest of the time she is unwilling to eat and shuts herslef away. i'm afraid I can't afford to even think about what I want because my instinct tells me to protect my daughter whatever the cost to me.
Again you are correct, my son and I are very close, he is a lovely grounded young man whom I am very proud of but he doesn't know the full situation as I am sworn to secrecy.
Respect and trust has gone unfortunately from all angles, he has lost it through his own behaviour.
I will try and contact relate. Thank you but I'm not sure what good it can do. I've never felt so hopeless.
I'm sorry i forgot to mention that she has lost a stone in weight in around 6 months. She is already underweight.
I really hope you do contact Relate because this must be causing you a huge amount of worry and anguish, and just sharing the load with someone is a good place to start. Apart from anything else, I feel sure the moral support will help you to muster some hope for positive change.
What you describe sounds like something a Family Therapist might be able to help with - ask Relate about such an approach, and see what they say. I think you need someone to assess what is actually going on in the family. Your daughter's reactions are quite worrying imo.
Have you spoken with your GP to see if there is anything available on the NHS that might help to sort things out for your family? Perhaps something along the lines of Child and Family Guidance maybe.
I really do think you need to reach out for some help and avoid the temptation to give in to the feelings of hopeless that you have mentioned, which may be due to a degree of depression having set in. Have a chat with your doctor and see what s/he thinks?
Good luck, and let us know how you get on?
Sky
Thank you so much for all your advice.
The problem i have is that my daughter does not want to talk about it, I don't want to push her, sometimes if she wants to tell me something she sends it by text bless her, she doesn't like confrontation and doesn't trust people easily.
I haven't spoken to a G.P because I am worried about what will happen if I do. Would they take her away from me?
I am afraid that depression has already set in, I have had it for a while since I lost my sister who I also considered my friend died a few years ago from cancer.
I will let you know how I get on. Very kind of you to say that.
I hope you have seen your GP about your depression- perhaps you're so busy worrying about the others in your family, especially your daughter understandably, that you've no time to look after yourself? I certainly don't think they will take your daughter away from you-please don't let this fear add to your distress and prevent you from seeking expert help. I hope things work out.
Take things one step at a time, and see your GP about your depression, you don't have to even mention your daughter to do that.
Your worry about her being taken away from you is probably a feature of your depression.
Once you begin to feel better, you will be more able to decide what to do about your husband, etc.
Sky
Thank you both so much.