Need advice on 2 things here.. time with him, and having kids.
Hi there...
There's two things i need advice on really...
the first thing is our current situation...
My boyfriend works alot, (13 hours a day, with only a day of between once a week and once a fortnight)and has been working even more, since i recently lost my job, in order to pay bills, rent etc..
This has understandably affected us having time together, and i understand that as he works, he does not want to go out on his day off, that i am fine with and accept. However, we get very very little time, and the time he is off, i want to spend with him at least, just watch a dvd or something? but he dosent even want to do that.. he said he needs to totally shut off, which for him is either sleeping, or playing on his playstation for the most part. That is ok, but i don't see how that is any different to sitting on the sofa and watching a film with me or just chatting? I love him loads and feel so neglected, our sex life has gone right downhill (again, esxpected, don't mind too much) but what gets me is that he seems too tired even for affection! I just want to hig him, eatch films, chat, and that is all i ask.. but the fact he is too tired to even manage this hurts me alot.. i am trying so hard to be understanding.. but i need some attention.. when i bring it up with him he just says he feels bad enough about it as he is, and me telling him makes him feel like a total a-hole. That is neither an explanation or a solution, just leads to me being quiet and him in a bad mood. Any suggestions how he and i can come to a compromise here so i get SOME time with him and he gets to chill out after work? (he finnishes at 10pm, gets back at about 11 cause of commuting?) I just wanna find a job fast so we can hopefully get back to normal :(
The other problem.. is Kids...
Now i do not want kids yet, nota at all, but i DO want kids in my life at some point (maybe in 5 or 6 years? when i am more financially stable and all that) but his outlook is, he NEVER wants kids.. and to both of us it seems pretty non negotiable... I really feel like i can't go without ever having a child, and he feels like he definately can't cope with having one ever.. now whilst im still young (21) and all that, and have plenty of time, My boyfriend is 33 now.. so i do not think it is a case of him being young and scared like other guys.. he is very much an adult now and seems to have his life planned and all that.. He said he does not want kids because we live in the city, and it is a bad place for kids. he said most kids are bad people these days with bad parents, and he is convinced out child would be bad because of hanging in the wrong crowds, OR be a victim of the bad people. He also said he is scared that he would end up like his father (who is total pond scum) and would be resentful and violent like that. I think he is totally wrong, because i beleive for a big chunk of childhood, good parents will usually mean good kids. I also beleive he would never be violent or anything, despite his own upbringing.. we have been friends for 3 years and been together for one year, and he has never shown any behaviour remotely violent, resentful or negative... I really beleive when/if we had a child he would be a great parent.. otherwise i would not have even considered wanting to have a child with him.... I think it is a confidence thing, and if he had a better opinion of himself he might change his mind.. What do you guys think? I want to know if anyone else has been in this situation, and if you think he may change his mind? Also if when a couple are (very much) in love but have opposing views on kids, can we work round it or is it doomed from the start? I can't imagine ever being without him, and he says the same... but i cant imagine never being a mother either..
All answers appreciated, thank you.
Comments
This relationship has little chance to grow or develop while your partner is working as hard as this. How long does he plan to go on? If he is accepting that this is how he is going to work his life out, then you need to challenge it. You say he 'seems to have his life planned and all that', but it doesn't sound like it to me - nobody sane could plan a work life like that unless they simply loved it - and it doesn't seem like that - and if it was, your relationship would always come second.
I suspect he's working so hard to stop looking at himself, his life and his family and you may be the only person with a chance to get him off that treadmill. Get him to slow down, spend some time talking with you and look at what he really wants from his life. Counselling might be a help to him in due course, but you're his best chance of breaking the cycle.
As the front page doesn't show a reply until the second response has been posted, I thought it might help to make a second post. I magine quite a few people check the board and see the counter at '0' and think they haven't received a reply.
I wish I could suggest something to ease your situation, but as your bf sounds to be exhausted by his work schedule, it's difficult to know what to suggest.
When people are stretched beyond reasonable limits in their daily lives there can be a natural tendency to withdraw as a way of switching off and protecting themselves from the demands that they are bombarded with. Playing computer games can be an effective way of psychologically "getting away from it all" because it's like entering into a parallel reality where people can let off steam by acting out some of their feelings within a fantasy setting without hurting anyone. Computer games can give people a sense of power and control that they don’t have in real life. Various research studies have shown that the less control people have over their workload, so the risk of feeling stressed increases. Also, in the workplace people need to act reasonably and respond in a measured way, whereas in a computer games people can react in ways they would never dream of in real life. However wild and unreasonable people act in computer games, at the flick of a switch they can terminate the virtual reality they have acted out their feelings in.
However, I can completely understand how you feel hurt by the lack of attention and the sense of being ‘shut out’. But it probably has nothing to do with how you are, or what you mean to him, it’s just that personal relationships do require staying in the ‘here and now’.
A lot of personal relationships get damaged by people off-loading their work-related stress when they get home, so it might be that your partner feels it’s better to withdraw into the fantasy world of computer game-play than to risk damaging your relationship by falling into such a trap. Obviously the sense of neglect that you are getting is not good for the relationship, but the way things are the moment, perhaps it can be seen as a form of damage limitation?
I expect I am just stating things that you know already, but if it helps you to avoid taking his behaviour too personally, then maybe it’s worth repeating it. Hopefully, your situation will improve and things will become easier when you get back into employment. Perhaps for now you can make the most of any time you get together.
With regard to the issue of having children, again, I don’t have any advice to give, other than to say that it might be better to raise the issue when you are less pressured by financial issues, and when your partner is in a more satisfactory work situation.
Good luck, I hope things improve for you soon.
Sky