Need a clear direction
I've been with my boyfriend for a little over 8 months now, and things have been going smoothly up until recently. As of late, I've started to feel somewhat neglected and quite frankly, unimportant in his life. He spends quite a bit of time with his friends when he's not working and while I definitely don't mind if he's with his friends (I have my own life, too), he rarely makes time to spend with me. While he will sometimes get in contact with me to spend some time together, typically it's me who has to initiate the contact first. He also will go days (he just went 3 days with no contact at all) without talking to me at all, and will usually only get in contact with me when he wants to see me.
Now, this would normally be enough grounds for me to break-up with someone, but when I'm with him he's very attentive and sensitive to my needs. He seems like the perfect, loving boyfriend when I'm with him, but he completely disappears whenever he leaves my apartment. He has expressed his happiness with the relationship and how we're taking it "slow", and he said he likes the fact that we don't keep in contact everyday, but I feel so disconnected from him when I go days and days without even a peep. Unfortunately I'm a horrible communicator and I'm not too well at expressing my feelings when it comes to this, so any advice on how to approach this would be appreciated.
Comments
Sounds like a variant of: "treat em mean and keep em keen", i.e. when he's with you he's attentive and loving, but when he's gone, he's gone, right out of your life!
Psychologically it's a good strategy because it's like the positive reinforcement that occurs when playing on a fruit machine, i.e. most of the time you receive disappointment but then live in hopes because when you do win it's a great feeling. The 'high' of getting a win makes all the disappointment worth it, and ensures you come back for more. There could also be some "ego feeding" going on too.
However, another possibility could be around how well you deal with emotional separation? Some people can feel emotionally abandoned, when most people would feel ok between contacts - three days being quite a short time.
Maybe both of the above are relevant, even if not adequate explanations in themselves.
Part of what you have posted sounds as if you just want him to show he's keen? Perhaps just letting you know that he's around and thinking of you would be enough? Perhaps the odd telephone call to tell you that he is missing you, or a couple of texts a day with just a couple of romantic words?
I think you need to have: "the conversation".
There are a couple of ways in which you can approach this:-
1/ You can "sit him down" and tell him that you need more attention from him because when you're not with him you miss him so much that you feel abandoned and needy!
or
2/ You can appeal to his ego and tell him that if he wants to aim for an A+ as ‘the lover that every girl wants', then he needs to change his strategy! Tell him that if he wants to ensure that you remain keen, then he needs to improve his remote wooing skills by the use of modern technology, i.e. that as a modern woman you expect to receive regular emails, text, and at least one call on your mobile every day. And that the unexpected delivery of flowers and chocolates could mean that he gets a distinction. Tell him that if he's not up to this, then you may have consider changing your service provider!
If you want to turn the screw some, then tell him that your friend at work, who is no where near as good looking as you, gets all this, and more!! So if he wants to remain a contender, then he really needs to up his game!
The more serious part of this post is that: people who expect more, usually get more.
You don’t want to be high maintenance, but then you don’t want to be so low maintenance that you become: “available as required”.
Remember the mantra in the advert: "You know you're worth it!"
Don't ask for more like Oliver Twist going back for another bowl of soup. Let him know that you expect more, and remember that communicating expectations is not the same as 'asking' or 'demanding': expectations can be communicated in all sorts of ways, and don't forget the fruit machine effect.
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