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My Wife's secret affair with her boss!!

User-anonymous
Posted by: Philly
Flag
Mon 10, Aug 2009 at 11:46am
Categories:
Affairs and Jealousy

Hi all..Ive just discovered my wife is having a sexual relationship with with her Ex boss, this has torn my world apart completely. When she started working for this company 5 years ago she was warned about the sex mad owner. I trusted her as our sex life wasn't great or very ambitious. She was never one for taking risk or trying anything new in the bedroom, and it wasn't for the want of asking on my behalf either. I offered everything from toys, group, partner swap dressing up, role playing, outside, in fact i think i tried most things without any joy.

Anyway i discovered messages on her phone around 4 months ago but left it and tried to find things out for myelf. I had no luck and in the end just decided to come out with it and hey presto she came clean on everyhting. She said it started as friendship but a led on to more things and they have been sleeping together for about 6 months now ( so she tells me). She has broke down and is beside herself for hurting me after 14 years marriage and 20 years together. She says she dont know howit has led this far and also how it has continued as well, as she felt bad after every time....

My problem is the fact i fel im being laughed at as he will see it as another notch, although she says not. She has lied to me for months about where she has been swimming, shopping, her sister's. This and the fact someone else has had there hands on her makes me sick (and i have been). Any one who knows please feel free to comment.......

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Comments

  • User-anonymous Halo Flag

    You poor guy that is truly heart breaking to her. I feel your wife should of came clean to you on her own. It may seem harsh but if she felt guilty enough she would of.  You need to figure out if you can get the images out of your head. Because it you can they will just torment you.

    Mon 10, Aug 2009 at 11:58am
  • User-anonymous Philly Flag

    Thanks for reply, it is the images that are haunting me. I just need his address and i will randomly visit when she says she is out on one of her trips and i will see if our car is on the drive...If so its game over for us. She says its over betwen them now ive found out but can i belive it .......not yet no....!

    Mon 10, Aug 2009 at 12:08pm
  • User-anonymous Halo Flag

    I know it is hard. But you have a plan of action now.  Be sure she knows what is on your mind after all you need to start rebuliding your trust of her. Try saying I am trusting you when she head out or something like that just to subtlely let her know you are always thinking. Don't start looking to catch her out just yet give time.

    Mon 10, Aug 2009 at 12:37pm
  • User-anonymous Fiona Flag

    Just read your story and I know how crap you feel. I found out 2 weeks ago that my husband has had 3 affairs in the last couple of years. I know just what you mean about the images haunting you. Its like a dvd I cant turn off. He says hes devastated and begs me to stay with him. I love him so much but the pain in my heart is unbearable. I dont even know who these women were because he works away a lot, but I think if I could find them I would ask them how it felt to sleep with someone knowing full well they were married.

    Mon 10, Aug 2009 at 12:38pm
  • User-anonymous Philly Flag

    Hi Fiona, At first i didnt know who he was as my Mrs said it wasn't important. I was dealing with it until i found out it was him. So knowning who those women were might make things worse, plus if he worked away they may have been just no bodys..Im being straight with you but a woman to sleep with a married man is a goal for some, i know i had offers and its because im married. Its like forbidden fruit!. Sorry if that dont make sense but its true. Anyway i been told that if you struggle t talk or dont get time write down all your questions that way you wont forget to ask those all important ones. I Feel now i need all the details right down to position's they used. I think knowning all will help me realise nothing else can appear and stop me and my wife saving our marriage. I do hope you two work things out and those images do get a little more fuzzier in time.

    Mon 10, Aug 2009 at 1:17pm
  • User-anonymous Philly Flag

    Thanks HALO for the advice. I cant help thinking now it may have been me that pushed her into this. We both have sexual fantisies and hers was a total stranger in the dark so as not really knowning who. Well it cant be me can it so during the heat of sex we talk and i suggested to her to try it, knowning it was in the heat of the moment i didnt think she would do anything about. We have only mentioned it a few times and belive me it works for her but i cant help thinking now " Oh shit " i have caused this...! what do you think?

    Mon 10, Aug 2009 at 1:27pm
  • User-anonymous Halo Flag

    I don't think so at all. I think if she had gotten the idea from you or been pushed by you she would of told you that she was thinking about it. Whatever is said in the bedroom normally just stays there in my thoughts. You could of done the whole scene in a role play situation.
    I don't think you caused it at all. If you had she would of turned round and said you could me I could or something.
    I do not condone want she did but things like this can just happen. The fact that it kept on happening is more concerning. You need to ask yourself why she could not turn round and tell you? and how long would it of gone on if you didn't decided to rumble her?.
    I think the above questions are more important than how the act was carried out.

    Mon 10, Aug 2009 at 1:47pm
  • User-anonymous Philly Flag

    Halo your a star, i have tried friends with no joy. you have spoke more sense than anyone i could have turned to. Plus she didnt want anyone knowning, maybe embaressed by it all i dont know...i had no one to talk to, my parents are very english and would have said leave her and her parents are italians and would have said it was my fault. Thanks for your support...stay in touch

    Mon 10, Aug 2009 at 2:01pm
  • User-anonymous Halo Flag

    You are most very welcome, I am glad I was able to help you at all. You must let us know how it all pans out. She could very well be embrassed maybe even ashamed by it all, All the best to you Philly.
    Sometimes it just takes talking to someone who does not know your history or mindset.

    Mon 10, Aug 2009 at 2:08pm
  • User-anonymous Benji Flag

    I am so sorry to hear this! I have had my world torn apart before (which was possibly the most painful thing i've experienced). it is very very hard and its not something to just forget about, but i hope you can work things out and regain trust, if all goes well it could make you stronger as a couple. I hope you do what you feel is right and not just give up on yourself which can be very easy to do. Things can only get better from now and hopefully you have already experienced the worst. Commiserations to you sir, good luck.

    Mon 10, Aug 2009 at 8:18pm
  • User-anonymous Philly Flag

    Thanks for your support BENJI, I really want to fix things between us but she keeps telling me ive done nothing wrong and its not down to me why this happened. Brief history is i ran my own flooring busines for 15 years and then decided to change things and trained and revised to become a police officer which i start in december of this year. She always tells me how proud she is of me and that im a good dad and husband. How can i fix it, how can i make her feel better. I cant stand the coldness between us. Cani make it work or have i got to sit it out. The coldness could drive me away. Im the good one yet feel the bad one.

    Tue 11, Aug 2009 at 10:06am
  • User-anonymous Fiona Flag

    Thanks for the reply Philly. I have actually been asking him for all the gory details of these encounters. Thats the only way I could deal with it. And you are right to say it can be saved. We are talking more now than we probably have for over 10 years, and now I seem to have the upper hand in our marriage because he has realized exactly what he has done to me when I, like you, have done nothing wrong. He sees me as still being pure and untouched and sees himself as being dirty and not the man he wanted to be. I still cant forgive him because, as you know, it can never be the same after an affair, but im not crying so much now and the pain is not as crippling. I really hope your wife can see what a stupid mistake that shes made, and things will be ok.

    Tue 11, Aug 2009 at 10:52am
  • User-anonymous Halo Flag

    There is really nothing you can do. She needs to feel better in herself no matter what you say it will not make much of a difference. I guess she is feeling ashamed of her self and you asking what can you do will be sort of rubbing it in(if you know what I mean)
    You need to ask yourself if you are happy that you have talked everything out?
    If so. You need to tell her you don't want to talk about it anymore unless she wants to bring it up. It will let her have a little bit more controll of a sisutaions that she may be feeling very out of controll off.
    The only way you can make her feel better is just by being there offering your surport. You need to show her you still want her with out being to in her face. Just treat her like how you would want to be treated if it was revised hard to think of I know.

    Tue 11, Aug 2009 at 12:10pm
  • User-anonymous Philly Flag

    Thanks Halo/Fiona..
    Ive had an odd day today really, she is at work and ive been out in the sun cleaning my motorbike, the kids are out or with Nan so ive had a bit of time alone...and you what? i love it..! We own another 2 property's in the city and i cant help thinking now should i just go it alone. Ive had the music on and the sun is out and i feel i could carry without her and be quite happy. I have a dozen friends who are single and think single life could now be quite appealing. Why is this so F.....g confusing. Why isn't there a quick fix.
    I think if i had been the one who done wrong and i wanted to fix it i would be all cuddles and kisses but she aint done nothing, im sure its warmer in my fridge...I dont get babe or x in any text like she put before and in HIS text's. Bloody relationship's...she is just such a gorgeous person, fantastic mother and what i thought was a superb wife....WHY WHY WHY did this happen!!!!!!

    Tue 11, Aug 2009 at 1:55pm
  • User-anonymous Fiona Flag

    Its funny how you have good and bad days. Some days feel quite normal and then you think of something that freaks you out. I checked his phone and noticed that he put icons in texts to them. Just great. Hes deleted them now!  cant believe i did that, but i dont feel guilty. My husband is now sort of obsessed with me. Doesnt want to leave me to go to work, and treats me like a prized posession. About time too. I feel a bit like you. I would be fine on my own-my kids are at uni. Its actually harder to stick with it and try to make it better. More painful. Part of me feels like doing the same to see how he would like it, but thats just not me. I cant be that sleazy. You called her gorgeous-thats a good sign I suppose. I wish she would show you some affection though, because that would make a real difference. Is her guilt that overwhelming do you think?

    Tue 11, Aug 2009 at 2:55pm
  • User-anonymous Philly Flag

    It is possible the guilt is eating her but after the amount of time and the sex they have shared im surprised i didnt kick her out, afetr all he is a successful bussines man with money and property. She would want for nothing with him.
    You must feel great now with him treating you like he is, i treat my wife like a queen to but it seems i gave her to much rope and she hung herself. Your right about the affection as well a big kiss and hug to say ive missed you today would make a massive difference but she has been home around 30 minutes now and nothing yet.
    Oh well its only day 2 lets see how the week pans out.

    Tue 11, Aug 2009 at 5:07pm
  • User-anonymous Philly Flag

    How are things today Fiona?..
    Im still at the cold stage and not getting much from her at all, no kiss this morning or hugs in bed. She wanted some small jobs doing round the house so i got stuck in and tried to please in that way. We went out shopping to get some things for the house, i ried to put my arm round her waist while walking but it didnt last long. We have the kids here all day and they are inside as its raining so not getting alot of time or chance to talk. Is so hard at the moment as well as her ex boss has returned from his plae in spain so i know that she must be desperate to go and see him as they haven't seen each other since it came out. She says not and that the text she sent has said it all but i dont think after the time and closenes they have shared a text is going to be enough. She is hinting about things she needs to nip out and do which i cant help thinking is a excuse to go and see him.
     
    I will have her followed for a few times and i think one more fuck up and its over

    Wed 12, Aug 2009 at 12:59pm
  • User-anonymous Christine Flag

     Dear Philly, This sounds like a very painful time for you as you experience a large number of difficult feelings. After an affair many questions arise and it is very confusing and painful. Talking with others can be very supportive, as you have discovered from the comments above. I am wondering if you might consider going to talk with a relationship counsellor and see if your wife will come too. www.marriagecare.org.uk and www.relate.org.uk are counselling services which help couples to explore their feelings and the many questions that arise during relationships. Also the Check it Out section of this website offers some very useful information about Affairs and how they affect couples-  http://thecoupleconnection.net/articles/5 ; Also couples need to explore the 'Hidden Issues' http//thecoupleconnection.net/articles/58 - which are impacting on their relationship. I hope these links are useful. I wish you all the best.
     

    Wed 12, Aug 2009 at 2:57pm
  • User-anonymous Fiona Flag

    I really feel for you because your wife isnt letting you get close at all. At least my husband is desperate to do anything to make me feel better. You must be feeling so rejected. I think it might be an idea to get her to go with you to talk to someone, because she cant seem to be able to talk to you properly and let you in. I actually phoned the Samaritans at 4 in the morning after he confessed. It made me feel better to talk to someone who wasnt involved, because I havent told my family or close friends whats happened because they would tell me to leave. I think I would be ok on my own, but I still think we can save this. I dont know much, but I know the only way you can start dealing with this is by talking, and talking a lot. You want to, but she has to open up and be honest with you. I hope this helps.

    Wed 12, Aug 2009 at 3:25pm
  • User-anonymous Philly Flag

    Thanks Christine/Fiona
    Im pleased for you Fiona, i bet you can see a massive difference in him, i would b the same if she would just let me. all the best to you and long may it continue.
    This site has eally helped as you are the only people i can talk to, she has asked me not to talk to friends as she doesn't want anyone knowning. I take on board what your saying Christine but i dont think she will come with me to a relate  counseller, i have asked about it but she laughs and says we will be alright its not that bad..not for her maybe!! I am really trying not to turn nasty on her as this solves nothing...plus im a police officer, all i need is an domestic violence tag for the carreer...great!. Inside im screwing i can harly eat and feel sick all the time. I just want to be with her all the time but cant get close enough. The visions i spoke with fiona about are a little fuzzier now but him having sex with her will never leave my mind, i think it is tattoo'd there for ever, i feel deep inside that this could be the deciding factor betwen us and the end...Please keep all the reply coming as it is really really helping, you lot are all i have at the moment...

    Wed 12, Aug 2009 at 4:42pm
  • User-anonymous Halo Flag

    Philly,
    Try typing a letter out to her and just giving it to her for her to read in her own time. Talking can be hard to do some times it easier just to read the hard facts on paper. I also think you need to take up a hobby that will help vent your anger.
    At the end of the day you need to think to yourself I am wanting to spend time with her because I love her. Or are you wanting to spend time with her because you want to know where she is?
    If it is the 2nd you need to have a long think about how things are, and how can you see things panning out.
    You can go to the counsellor on your own for the 1st few times it may do you some good just to go it a lone with out her getting are 2 pence in.
    What can be a small cut for one could be a huge gaping wound for the other.
     

    Wed 12, Aug 2009 at 5:05pm
  • User-anonymous Philly Flag

    Thanks HALO but i do have a hobby, i play football at weekends  i also ride motoorbikes, i go riding with friends alot. I work shifts to so we sometimes pass in the night and the day. When i work my 2 days 2 nights as i do i rarely see her for any amount of time so the 4 days off i get i just want to be wit her. The thing is it was the 4 days off when she would let me do what i want because she was off round his..! Now i want to spend time with her i feel im trying to hard. I have questions i want to ask but feel that the stuff i want to know will cause arguments and also she may be to embarassed to answer. Im up to 30 questions at the moment. God knows how many more i wil think of. I have been fair as well they are all Y/N answer's simple would you or wouldn't you / did you or didnt you type questions.
     
    Thanks for input HALO really helpful and comforting to know people are trying to help..

    Wed 12, Aug 2009 at 6:25pm
  • User-anonymous Fiona Flag

    I know what you mean when you say you appreciate talking to someone and feeling like you have some support! I know hes trying so hard, but dont think for one minute that im not imagining what he did a lot of the time. It hurts a bit less now, if thats any help. Its been 2 weeks now and I think im doing pretty well considering. Sometimes when i look at him,though, Im not sure if i can do this. I think its a good idea to ask all your questions,if thats what you need to do. But you have to be prepared for the answers, if you know what i mean. Ive asked some things which were difficult,but to be honest id rather know than the thought of it drive me crazy. At the moment i am trying not to ask so much and push some of my thoughts to the back of my mind. Sometimes i can,sometimes i cant. You have a lot of dignity i think to want to make this better and i know how hard it is to hang on in there.

    Thu 13, Aug 2009 at 8:11am
  • User-anonymous Halo Flag

    I still think writing down your questions and handing them over is a good idea. You can say to much with the tone in your voice(without meaning so).
    Plus less likely to cause arguments if you hand her the questions written down.

    Thu 13, Aug 2009 at 12:56pm
  • User-anonymous Philly Flag

    The question worked, i had around 30 written down and they ranged from everything to positions they did it in to have she feels now about him. Your right about the answer's as well as i did not think she would do the stuff she did, especially as she dont really do that with me. I asked her on a scale of 1 to 10, 1 being hate 10 being love where her feelings where, she said around 6/7. That shocked me a little. Her guilt is coming from not being able to look at me because of the hurt she has caused me. I asked what he had that i didnt, she said when she spoke to him about things he seemed interested and felt that she was important. Thats all wel but when she is at work and ive been off i take the kids to school and pick them up cok there tea and have hers waiting when she gets in. Im tired when she gets in and she then wants to talk about life in the cal centre, nothing about my day..!Its no wonder he was paying her attention as she was going to jump into bed with him after. Our sex life was once a week tops, and it was never film like or passionate, Missioanary all the way so when i heard she had done it in various positions with him it hurt loads. I have now offered to move out for a week to see if she can mange every day life without looking at me or seeing the hurt she is causing. In a strange way im looking forward to it as ive tried so hard to resolve this situation i am fed up now. If i cant win her over through love and friendship im losing the battle and i dont want to push her away by trying to hard.
     
    Lets all keep out chin up and battle on, if not lets swap numbers and all go out and drown our sorrows..!!
     
    Thanks you all yet again.

    Thu 13, Aug 2009 at 1:31pm
  • User-anonymous Halo Flag

    Did you ask where you are? 1 to 10 that is, It may not make a competition but it would be interesting to see.

    Thu 13, Aug 2009 at 3:29pm
  • User-anonymous Philly Flag

    Yet again HALO you come up with the right answer's. I will ask her where i fall and your right it would be interesting to see where i am.
    Sorry for slight delay as been back to work today, which was shit!!
     

    Fri 14, Aug 2009 at 7:11pm
  • User-anonymous Philly Flag

    I asked about where i was on the scale and she said 9, not bad but not great.

    Sat 15, Aug 2009 at 11:46am
  • User-anonymous Halo Flag

    How are you coping being back at work?

    Mon 17, Aug 2009 at 10:07am
  • User-anonymous Philly Flag

    Work not to bad, had some real bad news there as well this week, I aaplied for a job internally and was told 2 months ago that i had got the job, i was then told last week that they had made a mistake and i hadn't got it. So im not having a good time at the mo.
     
    I still dont think my Mrs is fully over her fling either, the other bloke is in his place in spain so they have'nt spoke face to face yet. I think that feelings might come back when they see each other again. She has said its over between them but she did it by text message which i think he will want to try and win her over. She had finally told someone about this affair, she went and told her Mum as i thought telling someone would help her to talk about it. The thing is her Mum said she would stand by her and didnt really say she felt sorry for me, so maybe i might have a fight on my hands. I suppose i cant blame her Mum but i do all the work round her house as her husband is useless at DIY i have done everything for them over 20 years. I feel now that we are slipping apart again, this has got to have been the worst week in my life...

    Mon 17, Aug 2009 at 10:59am
  • User-anonymous Halo Flag

    I am beginning to think that August it a bit of a cursed month. Seem all my friends are getting bad news left right and centre. One of my friends partner of sometime has just told her he does not love her any more and they just got a house together. There seem to be so much going on.
    She broke it off by text. Watch out for the closure word she may want to meet with him for a "chat" or vice versa. At the end of the day the mother will always surport the daugther no matter what. It's a fact of life why would she feel sorry for you if it would only make her daugther feel more guilty.
    Sorry to hear about your job. I would push them to find out what happened. Tell them how much you where depending on it ect. In other words put up a fight.

    Tue 18, Aug 2009 at 3:15pm
  • User-anonymous Philly Flag

    Things have taken a turn gain, i am moving out..The main problem with our marriage is the bedroom, she doesnt want to do it and im affraid im a 3/4 times a week man. We argued in a big way for the first time  last night and i admitted i didnt really like her at the moment. She has asked for time to miss me and tosee if her sex life can change, i dont see how, after all she was sneaking around with him and having sex. She says sex with him was dangerous and wrong and thats what turnned her on and excited her. I have said that if thats her fantasy then how the hell will being married work?. She really wants to try and turn that excitment into passion with me but im affraid without being to negative i dont see how...! I have moved out and will stay a stranger until she is ready, i am going to miss my kids but any contact will confuse me and her and i dont want my children up set by all this. We have told that i have to work away for a couple of weeks, they seemed to have brought this but kids aint dumb!!. lets just hope "Absence makes the heart grow stronger" instead of " Out of sight out of mind ". Well i will leave it at that for now and keep you info'd if anythingelse happens.
     
    Sorry to here about your friend Halo, your right it must be August..roll on september!!!!!

    Wed 19, Aug 2009 at 11:12am
  • User-anonymous aj2u Flag

    Hi Philly,
    I am really not keen on coppers, but felt compelled to post because I experienced the same thing. I advise you to do the following:
    1) Do not be overly nice, running around to do things for her. It only makes it easier.
    2) Refuse to have sex/intimate contact with her untill she drops all contact with this second bloke. You have a hand. Use it.
    3) DO NOT ACCEPT "I want to stay friends with him" or accept that she will remain in any contact with him. She drops him or you drops her (Don't accept any "your pressurising me into making decisions" bull).
    4) Accept that at this moment she is waiting for him to come back from Spain and weighing up her options. Accept that she is not sleeping with you, because 'it would be being unfaithful to him' (This one killed me when I found out that women who have affairs think like this).
    5) Talk to your parents and siblings. They will defend you to the hilt and make you see sense and help you cut through the bs she will spill out and help you make an informed decision.
    Finally you are THE MAN. You fathered her kids. You provided for her. The honeymoon is over. If this man wanted a girlfriend (cinema, days out, nights out etc) he could of found one. He didn't. He chose a married woman, . YOU HAVE ALL THE ACES. 
    When I wised up, she came back on my terms. I made all the mistakes you did in the begining. YOU DID NOTHING WRONG. If you don't believe me ask your mam and dad. They will tell you the same.

    Thu 20, Aug 2009 at 2:44am
  • User-anonymous aj2u Flag

    Hi Philly,
    Forgot to add. If she starts behaving normally and is prepared to be honest after sometime seek counselling.
    After 2-3 months you will start feeling bitter towards this man. Lucky for you, you work in a narcicistic proffession, with gd mates (ones that will always back you up).
    When on patrol. If you see a 'driver'. You will need to pull him over if he is 'driving erractically', then if his speech is 'slurring' he will need a breath test. If he starts getting bolshy because of being asked for a breath test he will need arresting for BoP, he may then resist arrest and 'assault you'. To save the courts time, a caution might be appropriate after a night in the cells. He may well feel bitter at having a caution, a night in the cells and his stupidity at 'having assaulted 3-4 police officers' and may well feel that they assaulted him. He might carry this bitterness for a long time, in much the same way as you feel bitter about this 'other' man.
    good luck anyway. 
     

    Thu 20, Aug 2009 at 3:23am
  • User-anonymous Philly Flag

    I have made contact with the other party to find out what his plans were. I asked him a ew questions about what they had been up to and how long..Can you imagine my horor when i found out that what my wife had told me was a pack of lies. She told me that it was only around 6 months since they began to get intimate but he tells me that it has been well over a year and they have been together for around 2/3 years. thiss has just knocked me again for 6. I was beginning to deal with the fact that my wife may have wavered in a moment of madness but to find out this is a full blown affair had killed me. I am living else where now at her request so as she can sort things out, but now i feel ive tried so hard to please her i think she has all the Aces and is doing just what she pleases. I confronted her about my new found info and she just replies with im not ready to deal with all this now and will contact me when she is ready..All i want is The Truth no more lies or secrets, this way i can deal with it all and nothing is going to come back to haunt me in months/years to come..Ive told her that i will forgice her and take her back as long as i get the truth but it seems to cut no ice with her. Am i trying to hard or should i not push for these details. I just feel without the details i wont be able to come home.
     
    I dont feel any bitternes to wards the other bloke as my wife is gorgeous and cant blame a man for being a man. He is single and my wife would make a great partner for him. I have spoke with him and even offered to go for a beer to see what his intentions are if they get together, i asked him about my kids and he is fully aware that he has to take them on. So any anger towards him has gone...I just want my wife back!

    Sat 22, Aug 2009 at 1:43pm
  • User-anonymous Fiona Flag

    Oh my God Philly. I dont know what to say to you. What a mess. So impressed that you confronted him, shows how much you still love her. From a womans point of view I can tell you that if a woman is getting great sex, she finds it very hard to walk away from it. Its a very powerful thing.Can I suggest that you google David Shade Masterful lover, and read the "about" page as this will tell you why women are attracted to bad boys and why being a good guy is not always enough. Hope this helps, and let me know how you get on. Its a bit american, but what he says is true, trust me!

    Mon 24, Aug 2009 at 6:34pm
  • User-anonymous Halo Flag

    [text formatting errors removed]
    Philly Just when you think it could not get any worse. I guess this explains the fact why your wife was not talking to you fully about it. She was well aware that you did not know the whole truth and I guess couldn't bare it.  You need to see tell her if she want to make it work you need to see someone together. You can even just start meeting on a neutral ground just to have a chat. (when the kids are at school of course)

    You need to stop trying so hard. Because seems to me she is not trying much at all. Sorry to say it but it seems you are making all the effort. She needs to want to try or it will all be at a loss.  I am so sorry to get about this Deeping deceit. You need to start holding the cards and calling the shots
     

    Mon 24, Aug 2009 at 9:41pm
  • User-anonymous Philly Flag

    Having spent the weekend away to gather my thoughts my children needed stabilty, i decided that if it was going to affect the kids then we will sort it out while i live there or i will go for good. The talking has started and she is opening up, i have for details about the first time and where and when and what was it like, she seemed a little shy to say at first but gradually she started to say. I feel with all the details they have no secrets between them, so hence its over betweent them. Nothing is just them 2, nothing for them to only know. It was very hard listening to my wife telling me the first time she gave him oral sex and where they where, but once we had spoke for around half hour ( interupted by kids) she felt better that it wasn;t there secret and i was happy knowning this. She has told me it wasn't about the sex but about it being a secret and getting away with it, she described as shoplifting, like a buzz, you do it once and get away with it so you do it again and again and then push it a bit more each time. Then bang you get caught, game over.
    We have spoke about him at great length and as a compromise i have offered them one more night to say there goodbyes and finish it for good. It may be un-wise but feel that this little compromise on my behalf may just so how much i trust her and i will see if she follows it through. It may come back to haunt me but this stage is all about trust and i need to start showing i trust her. She has told me that when she see's him she wont know how she will feel and that the feelings may come back, so i cant really help that, i need her to fully break the ties with him. She is going this week to tell him so fingers crossed she dumps him and we can start rebuilding our life.
     
    Will kepp you all updated as you all have been a tower of strenght with your support
     
    Thanks

    Tue 25, Aug 2009 at 4:11am
  • User-anonymous Halo Flag

    I hope you are fully prepared for what may happen if they do have there last night. It's like giving a mouse a piece of the world’s tastiest cheese with a lump of poison in it. My partner is sitting next to me saying I don't see why he does not do tit for tat. But that is him.
    Whatever happend you need to prepare yourself. We all all on her to surport each other.

    Tue 25, Aug 2009 at 3:30pm
  • User-anonymous Philly Flag

    After talking more its clear my wife is very confused now, she says now it not me or him but her and she wants to be alone with the kids. She feels since the events unfolded about 3 weeks ago i have become to close and am not the same person i was. I have explained that the reason is i was happ then and am not now, i need her close so i know she is with me. We spoke breifly tonight and i have now come to the point that i am not prepared to sit around and wait to see if she wants Me, him or no-one. I have asked her to choose so i can get on with my life. I have taked 2 days leave as i could not face work and now feel it is beginning to make me ill. She has refused to say her goodbyes in a " one last night " as she said that isnt right. We still have his car on loan so im still not 100% sure we are home and dry. I so want her back i feel i may have tried to hard so now ive got to do the worst thing and back off. Give her space andtry and be back to the care free laugh a lot bloke i was before. If all else fails then i will have to come to the conclusion that my marriage has failed after 14 years and a new beginning is about to start. I pray this wont happen but who know's...Why cant this all go away and lets get back to normal..
    I am at the 55% stage we can save the marriage
    I think its only a 10% chance she will end up with him
    ....and

    Wed 26, Aug 2009 at 4:20am
  • User-anonymous Philly Flag

    After talking more its clear my wife is very confused now, she says now it not me or him but her and she wants to be alone with the kids. She feels since the events unfolded about 3 weeks ago i have become to close and am not the same person i was. I have explained that the reason is i was happ then and am not now, i need her close so i know she is with me. We spoke breifly tonight and i have now come to the point that i am not prepared to sit around and wait to see if she wants Me, him or no-one. I have asked her to choose so i can get on with my life. I have taked 2 days leave as i could not face work and now feel it is beginning to make me ill. She has refused to say her goodbyes in a " one last night " as she said that isnt right. We still have his car on loan so im still not 100% sure we are home and dry. I so want her back i feel i may have tried to hard so now ive got to do the worst thing and back off. Give her space andtry and be back to the care free laugh a lot bloke i was before. If all else fails then i will have to come to the conclusion that my marriage has failed after 14 years and a new beginning is about to start. I pray this wont happen but who know's...Why cant this all go away and lets get back to normal..
    I am at the 55% stage we can save the marriage
    I think its only a 10% chance she will end up with him
    ....and you

    Wed 26, Aug 2009 at 4:20am
  • User-anonymous Philly Flag

    cont...
    can work the rest out....

    Wed 26, Aug 2009 at 4:21am
  • User-anonymous Halo Flag

    I think instead of saying "Why cant this all go away and lets get back to normal.."  You should be saying how can we work together make it better than before. You need to accept that this is a changing point in your reationship. There really is no going back. You need to look forward and figure out what would make you both happy.
    I am happy she refused the last night it means that she has went off the idea now its not a secret anymore.
    I think what guilty partners never really understand is whatever they do no matter how bad it is or even how minor. There partner will find out at some point most likely with out even looking for it. That is always the case in my experince.
    Best of luck Philly I check the post daily just to see whats happening.

    Wed 26, Aug 2009 at 12:24pm
  • User-anonymous Philly Flag

    Thanks again Halo, I work nights so during the night last night i sent her a heart felt text for her to wake up this morning. It said everything i was feeling and how hurt and upset this whole episode as made me. She was quite touched by it this morning and things seemed a little better. She said last night about just being alone and she didnt need a man in her life. I have told her she cant keep changing her mind now it has to be a choice between me, him or no-one. I do feel now she has gone off the idea of being with him as the stres and hassle that will cause with her family will be to much for her.
    I was allways a happy go lucky bloke who gave her all the space she needed and now i have to try and trust her all over again. Thats whats is going to be hard. I have asked for more love and affection from her in return for this to work as she doesn't really do random kisses and hugs during the day. I love all the touchie feelie stuff and am very highly sexed, un like her.
    We have talked about the sex she had with him and she said it wasn't the sex itself it was the risk that turned her on. I have tried to ask what will work for her in the bedroom, I even sujested she talk about her experience's with him during sex. I dont know that if she imagine's where she was when she was doing it may excite her agian, this didnt realy work as she was quite grapic about what they had done but she is not prepared to bring it into the bedroom with us. I'm not sure if its wrong or not but the thought of my wife with another man gives me a little buzz, i know its wrong but when i look at my wife she just isnt the sort to do this, she was always against people having affairs and cheating. I think that she is such a good mother, wife and friend it doesn't seem right for her to do this.
    One time in particular she was telling me that she was a little tipsy and she sujested to him that they leave early and go back to his, she even told me that she was trying it on in the taxi on the way home. Now call it wierd for us to speak in detail but i find it easier to know they have no secrets between them. When she told me this story i just couldn't see my wife being like this as she has never done anything like this with me. Is it wrong for me to find my wife even more sexier for doing stuff like this.
    As in earlier post's i have said we have tried everything in the bedroom wothout any joy, so is it wrong of me to ask her to think of him ( she probably is anyway ) to turn her on. I am off now until monday so we have some time together and hopefully chance to talk more and get a little closer.
    This is a bit of a waffle but the sex thing is a tricky subject to talk about and not something i can speak to close friends about. Feel free to be blunt or open about your thoughts on this.

    Wed 26, Aug 2009 at 1:08pm
  • User-anonymous Halo Flag

    I think I know what's going on there is a very key word being repeated again and again. That word is bedroom.  You need to take things out of there to add the risk factor. Ones one mind can do so much. You are not wrong at all for feeling how you do about it after all you said your wife is a very good looking women that men would pine, nor are you alone for finding your wife sexier for this if you have never experienced it from her, It's all about the thought of the unknown. My guy does not like the idea personally about a lot of men do.
    I think there is one thing wrong about most couples sex lives we talk about it to much, Never just get down to it.  You shound not ask her to think of him that is just admiting defeat. You need to take it out of the bedroom and add a bit of thrills. There is no such thing as planned passion.
    If you thinking of doing anything more extreme like sneaking up on her when shes getting something out of the car to give her a thrill. You need to set up a code word something short that you can say to each other if you don't like what is going on. It is a handy fail safe that prevents any wrong doing.
    As for trust she need to work on doing things that will help you trust her again simple things like texting you we she is out. Calling you from where ever she is. I am not saying do that forever but you need to have your mind rested.

    Wed 26, Aug 2009 at 3:52pm
  • User-anonymous Philly Flag

    I know what you mean about taking it out of the bedroom but she isn't interested in that. I have said about going out one night, just going out of our city we live and just pretend we are not a married couple but a couple having an affair. She always seems to put things in the way like , who will have the kids and what if someone see's us. I have said to her about being with him and getting caught but she said that was the fun and turn on. Being caught with me would be embarrising as we know we are married. I even sujested about getting a taxi home and stopping short by 5 min and jumping into a field but again she says she couldn't. I have been out tonight and come home ready for some us time. She seems a little distant which is her " I dont want sex look "( Ive come to learn that one ) I still feel this is not sorted and that there is a certain percent of her does not know what she wants, which is hard when she says one thing one week and another thing the next week. Ive have explored plenty of avenue's on this subject and i am going to try foot massage, back massage etc on the sofa while we are alone. Although she will be thinking im only dong this to get sex later. I do feel like a right sad hopeless case by running round after her but she is my life end of. I have been told by plenty of friends ( Male/ Feamle) not to worry as if i became single i would not have to worry about finding another woman as im not that bad looking. Its just so hard when you think the world of some one and i have told her that even just watching her undress and dress is still a huge turn on for me. She is amazingly sexy and fit..5'10 size 10 38yr old italian with dark skin, no stretch marks and a peach of an arse, perfect breats to finish it all off. How can i let that go. She is amazing and still as sexy as some of these young 20 year olds i see in town on saturday nights. If i could post a pictutre i would as im that proud of being her husband.
    Anyway more talking to get done later tonight so lets hope we are gettig some where and not no where.....fast!! 

    Wed 26, Aug 2009 at 8:20pm
  • User-anonymous Halo Flag

    Doesn't seem to me that she is making any effort.  I turly think you have done everything you can. Apart for being an arse about it all. Maybe she would react better to than and try and make an effort, But who knows.
    Philly all I know is if I was her I would be so happy that you made the effort and is trying everything to please me. But from what you said of her reactions so far that just not what she wants.

    Thu 27, Aug 2009 at 10:55am
  • User-anonymous Philly Flag

    We have now decided to split, she still loves me be doesn't want to married anymore. The whole bedroom saga has been the main issue and she feels she cannot comprimise at all. I belive her when she says that her and him are over, as the whole excitment factor has gone now as she has been caught, plus the hassle with her family is far to much for her to deal with. She has told me that they are over and that he was never going to be a replacement for me. We own a couple of propertys in our city so im in the process of moving some tennets out and i will move in on my own in around a month. We have discused finance's and the kids and i am going to try and be around for the kids as much as possible. The strange thing is i decided all this and told her this is how its going to be from now, guess what? she looked at me and said i find you so more appealing when your like this, just being forceful and telling her what is going to happen. I couldn't bloody belive it. She said she may miss me that much and feel that a compromise in the bedroom will be a small price to pay to get us back together. I have told her i will not come back once i move out as it is to much to deal with, being messed around like this. ( Its a lie but im not telling her that, i would come back straight away...but that for me to know and her to work out)..
    The releif now is so refreshing and i actually feel 100% better for it even though my marriage as just finished. I am looking forward to living on my own and being my own boss. The strange thing is we had amazing sex last night and again this morning...if only it could stay that way the whole situation would be great...
    Anyway never mind the split is in progress and thats what we have to deal with now..Its just the kids we have to tell and the parents. Not sure which one will be worse.At least her Mum thinks the world of me and it might not be to bad.

    Fri 28, Aug 2009 at 10:13am
  • User-anonymous Halo Flag

    I am happy you have come to a conclusion. You are right some women do prefer the men to take charge and tell it how it is. I am one of them well at times. It is good to now know where you stand. You having good sex I think because you now no longer have the stress of a marriage.I think as long as you tell the parents and the kids together. So they are 100% there is no love lost between you. You going to be your own man again, Your about to start a new chapter.  I am for you because I can tell from the tone in your comments that you are happy. I really do think you are a lovely level headed man. You could have dealt with this in very immature way but you didn't. You have been respectful to both parties involved. I don’t know you other than what you have said. But I am proud of you proud of how you coped and proud that you have a plan. I wish I could say I would act the same way if it had happened to me but I know for a fact I would probably end up being out for blood.

    Fri 28, Aug 2009 at 1:45pm
  • User-anonymous Philly Flag

    Another small chapter as arisen between us, she has admitted that the reason is that she is embarrased when we have sex. After 20 years tgether i find this hard to take but she says her friend is the same. She says when she is with the other bloke its like she is not herself and lets herself go, she just feels she cant with me. She has also said that she doesn't really fancy me anymore which is the reason for the fling. I have told her i dont really want to leave but i will if i have to, i have asked her to get some help on this and she has agreed to talk to someone about her feeings towards me. I may be sounding a little desperate but i want to make sure when we split we split for the right reasons. She just keeps coming up with more stuuf the more we talk so i want her to completely be honest with everything so at least we can find the reasons for the split.

    Sun 30, Aug 2009 at 11:08am
  • User-anonymous Fiona Flag

    Hi philly. I dont know if you read my last comment, but what you have said since has made me contact you again. You said that she liked you better when you were more forceful with her and the sex was great. Please have a look at what i suggested, because thats what this guy is telling men. You said shes italian, so she might be more comfortable with men who know what they want. I dont mean this in a bad way to you, but a lot of women are getting a bit bored with men who are a bit metrosexual and want a man who acts more forceful and dominant and takes the lead and makes the decisions. You could easily do this, and she would see you in a different light. Im speaking from experience here, as i used to nag him and treat him with hardly any respect. You said that shes being more talkative now, which is good, but she will say positive and negative things to you. Believe me, the stuff that we've talked about has been all over the place, but it has helped us both in the long run. Dont give up yet.

    Sun 30, Aug 2009 at 2:12pm
  • User-anonymous Philly Flag

    Hi Fiona. Thanks for your reply, i have read your last entry again.
    This will make you smile probably, i have just been out for a couple of drinks with my friends and i met an old friend from a few years back. He had a funy story for me..he told me that his marriage had just ended after his wife had been cheating for the past 4 years. I was a little un interested at first until he told me the name of this fella and guess what...its the same bloke that my wife has been seeing. I never mentioned anything to him about my problems and i am now currently waiting for my wife to come home and tell her. Its not that i wat to brag its just that i want her to know what sort of bloke she is getting tied up with.
    Any way we are going to try and see a marriage / sex counselller and see what has taken the sex drive away from my wife. Without going into detail and i may have said this before but she is so fit, 3 kids and not one strecth mark still a size 10 and she keeps all the fluffy parts neat and tiday, so when she is getting dressed and she is naked, what a perfect picture she is. Sorry to get a bit personel there but for all your help you have given me i think you lot deserve to know.
    Right we will keep going and see where the next step takes us,i still think its over but fuck me im going to fight for it..... 
    Best wishes to you fiona/halo and once again thanks

    Sun 30, Aug 2009 at 3:11pm
  • User-anonymous Halo Flag

    Oh my gosh Philly you last post made my gasp out loud. Not even Eastenders gets this bad. I must admit I can't wait to her what she thinks of it.
    Take controll and fight. At least if you do split you know you have done everthing in your power. You clearly love her to dearly. It is very refreshing to see a man care so much about his wife.

    Mon 31, Aug 2009 at 12:17pm
  • User-anonymous Philly Flag

    When she got in i told her what i had just heard, she was taken back at first but then she came out with something i didnt expect. She said i cant belive he would do that to me, after all he had sent some rather loving and future planning text's. In one he even thanked her for helping out with his work and he put " Thanks so much for you help today, how can i survive without you ..marry me " That one really hurt when i read it.. So i asked her what did she mean? She explained that they had feelings for each other and where very close and she thought they had somethng. I went on to tell her that she knew he was a womaniser and he always would be, if you two are together you will always wonder where he is when he goes out because you met the same way. My wife has een asking me to find out who this woman is as she will confront him over this, i not sure i want to as he wont tell her and she will just be left in the dark, like i have been...
    I text him last night against y wife's wishes and just thanked him for fucking our lives up. I said i hope my wife knows what she is letting herself in for and hope they will be happy...
    I felt better after that..As the days goes on i look forward to moving out and i am already making plans and planing what my flat will look like. Im quite excited really. I cut my wedding ring off yesterday, i told her it got caught up at work and broke but she aint stupid...I think these small message's are slowly getting through to her, the fact im not bothered about leaving and the fact i may get some one is starting to hit home i think. I not going to push my luck with and push her away completely but showning my strenght is my plus point, my ammo and its working. She feels low anyway and now with this news he could have cheated on her as well it is all swinging in my favour.
    She said something this morning that was a plus point for us as well. She said " While we are together and im the way i am she is starting to feel happier and things are getting better. She hasn't seen him for 2/3 weeks now although they have spoken on the phone..She said she doesn't miss him anymore and we are starting to feel close again. I replied with " Thats great i feel the same but im still leaving ". I cannot go anywhere for a month as we have to wait for the people to move out, so when i say im still moving i know i have a month for us to sort us out. I feel now i have control of this and i am making her want me, and its working. Between the 3 of us here i think we are going to ok but im not telling her that.
    Until next time all, have a good day........

    Tue 1, Sep 2009 at 8:39am
  • User-anonymous Fiona Flag

    Well done philly! Youre dealing with her so well at the moment! You were so right to tell her that if she carrys on with a womaniser, why would she think she was the only one in his life? And she likes the fact that its now you who is in control. Its obviously making her think about losing you. If shes shown you some texts, thats a good sign too. Shes more comfortable opening up to you about that scumbag. You are right to stay firm about leaving, even if you might change your mind, because she now sees that you are not a pushover and that makes you more attractive to her as a man.Again you are right to say that you dont want to push her away too much just in case, but showing strength of character will make her want you more. Good luck!

    Tue 1, Sep 2009 at 1:45pm
  • User-anonymous Halo Flag

    Hello Philly Hope things are working in your favor. I have had a lot of my own stuff on so just checked your post today. How all is well.

    Thu 10, Sep 2009 at 5:46pm
  • User-anonymous lrwilliamsjr Flag

    I only read the initial post. I didn't read any repsonses so forgive me if I'm reapeating the advice of others. Having been in a similar situation (actually, going through a divorce right now) here is my advice--short and sweet:
    Your wife can't be trusted anymore. Get rid of her. It has to be "all business" from here on, my friend. Get yourself a private investigator to track her movements, document EVERYTHING. Get yourself a good divorce attorney and file a complaint for divorce. If you're in a no-fault divorce state (as I am) you're going to get screwed even though you did nothing wrong. So, legally speaking, you must do whatever you can to gain the tactical advantage over your wife. Again...it's just business.
    Grieve the loss. Get angry over the betrayl. Get over it. Move on with life. You're on a journey that you didn't want--but you must now make.
    Don't agonize over "why" it happened. Don't fuss over "how" she could do something like this to you. Don't beat your self up over her behavior and wonder "what" you could have done differently. It isn't your fault. It's not about your inadequecies--it's about hers.
    Remember this...you deserved better than this. You deserve better than her. She's not worthy of you. But somewhere out there is someone who is.
    Good luck.

    Sun 25, Oct 2009 at 7:43am
  • User-anonymous Philly Flag

    Thanks for all the great comments from you all. 
     
    The reason for not being on here for a long time is that we have tried one last attempt to resolve our marriage, unfortunalty it hasn't worked. While i sit in with the kids she is out with her other man and it just dont work anymore. I will be moving out in a couple of days for good. People are right in saying i didnt deserve this and i deserve better. Its hard to acccept at times but people tell me it gets easier.
     
    Once again thanks for al the support...

    Sun 15, Nov 2009 at 12:22am
  • User-anonymous Halo Flag

    Sorry to hear that Philly.

    Mon 10, May 2010 at 11:43pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hey... You should feel PROUD that another man lusts for your wife. And, while she is having total satisfaction of another man screwing her, you might wanna realise that maybe you are half the man she wished you were when you married. Face it man, her pussy gets wet for other guys. Just resign yourself to the fact that you are a BORE to her. Prince Charles offering 3-somes and such, is still Prince Charles.
    It's not what you do or say. It's HOW you do or say it!
    Right now... You seem like a cuckold to me. So my advice is to embrace reality and realise you're pretty much a panzy. So beg her to let you watch as she is fulfilled by a real man. Then go wank it and pray she lets you watch again.

    Thu 1, Jul 2010 at 5:46pm
  • User-anonymous Halo Flag

    Hope all is well Philly.

    Mon 7, Feb 2011 at 6:41pm

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