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my husband has had an affair, and has left.

User-anonymous
Posted by: Anonymous
Flag
Thu 18, Dec 2008 at 5:34pm
Categories:
Affairs and Jealousy

3 weeks ago my husband came upstairs as I woke up , I could see he was not himself, he bagan to cry as he told me he had been having an affair for the past 6 months. My world fell apart, Im shocked, sad, angry, worried, scared I think I must feel every emotion. This is the ultimate betrayal. He has been a good husband and dad, together for 25yrs.I just cant believe this has happened.My children and I are heartbroken.We feel he has chosen a life with this other woman over us.We have had finacial problems but are now sorted aswell as family probs like supporting illness in parents etc.He says he thinks he loves this woman, He says he still loves me?
He has said after two weeks that he cant come home because of what he has done he feels so bad, and the fact that his kids know.I dont know what to do first.

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Comments

  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    I am so sorry, that is the pits. I hope your kids are around to give you lots of hugs!
    Sounds like your husband doesn't know what to do. He did tell you which is better than just finding out, I think it means something, like he wants to be straight with you. he feels ashamed so that's good isn't it? Couples and families do get over things like this, if thats what you want.
    Don't do anything hastily. Is there anyone you trust to talk things through with? I expect your head is spinning right now. When something like this happened to me I found it helped to write down my feelings every day. We did get through it but it took time for my partner to work things out.
    Thinking of you

    Thu 18, Dec 2008 at 7:16pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Of course as I said my head is all over the place, I can't just stop loving and caring he has been such a big part of my life. I do love him so much, yes there are people I can talk to, its difficult telling people write on christmas.Thankyou for your comments it helps communicating with people who have been through similar experiences.

    Thu 18, Dec 2008 at 8:20pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    hi, i can completely relate. im 22 years old, I have been with my partner for nearly four years, we have a 17month old son, i found out from a friend on the day we came back from our first family holiday. He had an affair for a few months with his best friends sister, who was also one of my friends. I felt as though i was to blame for him doing such a cruel thing to me, i have never been so hurt, its been six months and i still dont feel like i can move on, i trusted this man and he totally abused my trust.. but then on the other hand i love this man. I have a baby to him and feel terribly guilty that if i end the relationship my son will have a weekend dad. To top things off it happened last new years eve, (the first time) i asked for all the details as i felt i had to know, but now regret it as i see what happened. I should be looking forward to christmas as its my son's first proper christmas opening his presents, but i think it will just be one big blurr as i will be thinking of what happened this time last year, i wasn't even away it was happening. My parents and friends won't give any advice as they dont want to get involved but im just so confused! Im scared of being a single mum!!

    Fri 19, Dec 2008 at 7:33pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    You are so young to have to deal with these circumstances, are you still together? and does he feel remorse for what he has done to you?Your little boy is very young so he has no idea of what you are going through I hope you have close friends you can trust to talk to. My children are 20,18 and 15 and cant believe that there dad has let them down like this they are so close to him and love him so much they are really hurting and are struggling having to stand by and watch there mum in so much pain. People keep telling me to remember that christmas is only a day! But of course its a time when we want to be with those people that we love and who love us.
     

    Sat 20, Dec 2008 at 9:56am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    he showed remorse for all of a few months, but he never changed, we have only just agreed to seperate as i can no longer tolerate his accusations of cheating.. it totally destroyed our relationship. I have always been brought up within a very strong family unit, but no one knows about the affair apart from my parents (not even my sister knows) i spared him from the remarks of family and friends. I thought by doing so we could work it out on our own, but he insisted that i was cheating, maybe the guilt got to him a little too much. It started to really effect both my health and work. Im hurting walking away and thinking about my son not being able to wake up to his daddy every morning. Im told that he is too young to know, i dote on him and only want the best for him. I desperatley wanted it to work, but in doing so i think i lost my identity. He is 30 and thought he would have known better... christmas is going to be hard for me too as i have never had a christmas on my own.. i am trying to be civil but staying strong is just so difficult, i really can sympathise with you.. i have felt like this for six months, just when i thought i had everything i wanted it came craching down. As they say the only way is up, and it will make you stronger on the way, keep your chin up you have your children, and they are able to comfort you, mine is 17 months and wonderful at giving cuddles. I can imagine the things going through your mind... for one it isnt your fault and there was nothing you could have done... i thought like that and with my son i came around and became stronger. what ever you do dont keep things locked up because it will get you nowhere, take care

    Sat 20, Dec 2008 at 8:26pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    however your relationships have broken down affairs or other its not a nice thing to have to go through. people change and no matter how well you think you know them you dont i was with my partner for 10 years i thought i knew him inside out however he wanted to throw me and our daughter then only 2 out of our home 2 years ago said he'd had enough of me and wasnt even sure if he had ever loved me and only wanted a child thinking it would keep us together I was devastated It was totally out of the blue i couldnt believe that i had thought everything was wonderfull however he obviously didnt. I managed to persuade him to give it another go and then August this year he threw a massive wabbler over something and nothing and walked out on us again. i was numb i just felt like i had wasted 2 years of my life. he came back but he never once said he was sorry or try to make up for what he had done. In october we seperated probably do to my resentment toward him i just couldnt forgive him this time. he will not walk over me a third time. You dont need men to survive, you'll live, as they say, no matter what happens. i understand the lady with the younger child i didnt want to be a single parent either i wanted to make my family work i was from a broken family and i didnt want that I wanted the rose tinted life that can never be.  Yes I could have stayed with him but for what for him to do it all again in 6 month, 12 months, its just wasting my life you only get one shot.

    Wed 31, Dec 2008 at 6:20pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hello. I have been with my husband 12 years, and found out for 7 months he's been having an affair with his Chiropractor of 4 months.(No longer need her) We have 3 kids. 2, 3 and 8. This is devastating and I wish it on no one. He will not come home although the affair is over. Says he doesn't trust that I won't let it go. I told him I love him and forgive him and we'll go to counseling.
    He's been out for 2 1/2 months now and I grow angrier and less forgiving each passing day. He comes and goes with coffee and bagels, goodies and etc...Like it's his peace offering. He has kids every other weekend and takes our oldest to school each day. They do once a week sleepovers too. When I do bring up that he's not coming home and we need to talk about what has happened,  he says "We were doing good and them you bring the BS up again. You just won't let it go!!" I think he's waiting for me to just never mention it again. Staying away is my punishment. Well, the ups and downs are worse. The not knowing is making me crazy so I understand all of you other woman out there and wish there was a support person to live with us while we are alone and trying to deal with such a horrid situation. Especially with 3 kids in the house!
    To-Anonymous I think he won't come home because he really doesn't want to and wants you too feel sorry for him. As well as does my selfish husband. God Bless all of you and I wish you the best.

    Sat 17, Jan 2009 at 7:29pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    The thing about not letting it go is a toughie. I wanted my husband back but I wanted him to realise how much I was hurt. I dint want to keep pushing his nose in it (honest) I just wanted to be able to say certain thinga and then start again. This is where counselling or having a really good mate to talk to helps or even talking on this place. Unless all the feelings of hurt and anger get out of your system you can't start afresh can you. I can say that our relationship is now better than before from my point of view. Lots of things got said that before didnt.And I still loved him and he was orry he had hurt me. I am sure of that. Neither of us wanted to break up our family. You know what was the hardest thing to live with. I knew that he had been in love with her and I hate that. I also know that it wouldnt have lasted and he even says that. Ladies I wish you all the best.

    Sun 18, Jan 2009 at 5:54pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 8 yrs.  We have a 4 yr son and he is a stepdad to my 17 year old daughter.  He recently had an affair of at least 4 months that I'm aware of.  He wants to work things out, however I just know in my heart that I could never trust him again.  The fact remains that he would be with her and than come home to me (yuck) no thanks!  It's hard right now but in the long run not having to worry about where he is at or with whom is much better. The hurt will go away eventually and I feel that I deserve to be with someone that values and respect me.
    Remember ladies you are not responsible for your partners actions. They are in full control of their actions whether they are happy in the relationship or not.  If they are not happy than they should do the right thing and end the relationship before starting a new one. That's the coward way out.
    Good luck!
     
     

    Mon 19, Jan 2009 at 1:44am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Its the 22 year old (kizzy)
    Well an update being that since my last post. I found out in an argument that he had checked my mobile, and emails. Set little traps to find out if i move things in my drawers... oh and accused me of another affair. new years he went out and told his friends... they said he should forgive me... FOR WHAT?? to my amazement even my best friend asked why HE called it a day, funny to say i havent spoken to her since!
    Christmas was nice, with my son i didnt stop him from coming round but it was all pretend.. I just dont know what to feel anymore.. i dont know if i love him, or if i do, am i protecting my feelings because he has hurt me so much?? My little boy doesnt see any arguing as i dont want him to hear mummy and daddy falling out. We eventually sat and had a really good conversation, i thought. so the few days after were great only to find out as i told my mum that i felt ready to give it a go she revealed something that would leave me feeling no better off that before. He came home from work and was really down, feeling sorry for him i offered to listen/shoulder to cry on... anyway he refused, only to find out as i literally walked out of the door he called MY mum to ask for a chat. So now im totall betrayed again, still sending me messages- one of which he said that he couldnt be sure he could stay faithfull the longer i take to sort my head out. My answer was that there was no future if he couldnt be faithfull after everthing! after yet another chat he promised that he didnt mean it like that and he was scared about falling out of love while i wont say we can try again. only now he has been laid off from work. HOW MUCH MORE do i put up with i must feel something as i keep taking him back. My friends just haven't been there at all only to tell me how much they disslike him. other than my mum i have no-one thats willing to listen or cares enough about me to. Apart from you!
    what do i do?
    will he change?
    how can i stop him from manipulating me anymore?
    take care and thanks
    Kizzy

    Tue 27, Jan 2009 at 11:10pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hi a message from the other side of marriage aka divorce.  My husband left me over a year ago now.  Out of the blue he said he wasn't happy and didn't love me and hadn't for 2 years, although at the time we had been married for a year and half? We had been together for 7 years.  It was such a shock and totally out of character, I thought that he might have depression or something but on closer investigation it was the simple fact that he had left me for another women.  He never admitted it and continued to lie, and never once has asked to come back.  I am not sure I could have forgiven him if he did (although some people can and go on to have a good relationship), I trusted him completely and now that has been broken.  I have to say that on refection our relationship had drifted, but I am a firm believer in trying to work things out and feel robbed of that opportunity.  I am also deeply hurt that the man I married felt so little of me that he lied about the real reason he left, leaving me to believe that it was my fault. 
    A year on, I feel so much happier, you have to keep busy and for the first half of the process this is such an effort.  Eventually I began to bore myself with talking about my ex and have started to feel like my good old self and have some fun!  I realise that he was a bit of a nightmare and a boring old sod and I am better on my own than with him.  Don't get me wrong I am still a little confused and worried about being able to trust again but I am feeling more positive that I will.  The feeling of anger is still there and I am hoping that this will eventually subside, who knows?  You have to ride with your emotions, you will come out of it stronger and a better person no matter what the outcome.  Good luck
    Sarah

    Tue 3, Feb 2009 at 6:41pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    i have been with my husband for 6 years and we have 2 children.  Last week i found texts on his phone declareing his love for someone else, when i confronted him he told me it was a male family friend.
    He says he still loves me, that he isnt gay, but has feelings for this other man.  He doesnt want to try and sort it out, i dont want him to leave but i dont think i can cope if he stays!
     
    J
     

    Wed 4, Feb 2009 at 8:12pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hi,
     I'm in a similar situation. I have been married to my husband for 7yrs. Last Jan i suspected him of cheating and i questioned him. He obviously denied it, this went on until Oct when he told me he needed a break. We have a flat near his work as our family home was a 2 1/2 commute away, this made it easier for him to keep it secret. In Aug he told me he needed a break as he ahd fallen out of love for me. I still suspected him of having an affair with his work collegue. He left but called me after 2 weeks to tell me his missed me and our 2 sons (10 and 8). He called me every day after that and came home every weekend to visit. In Oct he told me he wanted to try again. I was over the moon, towards the end of Oct i found a mobile phone full of text messages from her to him and vice versa declaring their undying love adn then i found out our flat has been empty since Aug because he had moved in with her. I confronted him and told him he needed to make a choice, he chose us. For wks he was miserable and kept telling me he missed her and that he wanted to be with her. 3 days before my sons 11th b'day he left me for her. I was devastated even attempting to take my own life. He called me daily telling me he missed our life together and that he wasn't as happy as he thought he would be. Christmas was only 2 wks away and i told him if i could make it through christmas on my own, i can part from him for good. I think that scared him as he came home a few days before christmas. Since he's been back this time he has been making a real effort and we sold our flat near work and i make him commute which he is doing and i don't think he is in contact with her anymore. I just can't seem to let it go, i don't confront him about it as everytime i do he says how is he meant to get over her if i keep mentioning it. I keep replaying it in my head. Will i ever get over it? will i ever be able to forget? I love so much i don't know what to do. It's now been 6wks and i feel like i'm just waiting for him to leave me for her again.

    Sat 7, Feb 2009 at 1:46am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    I met my husband in March 1981 and this year we will have been married for 23 years. I am 54 and he is nearly 50 (is that the problem) He is a poser and very critical about looks, clothes, wrinkles etc. goes to the gym every day. I have always felt unattractive and insecure but I am not far from ugly and have even resorted to botox try to boost my confidence. I found out 2 weeks ago that he had been flirting via telephone and test messages to a so called new best friend of approx 6 months. It came out 2 weeks ago and they ran off to a hotel but both came back to their spouses after 2 days. He blames her, she blames him etc etc. I found out he spoke with her last Thursday but he maintains she rang him saying she did not want to stay with her husband. Anyway we went away this weekend, it was OK and we finally made love after finding out about the maybe/maybe not affair. He went to work this morning like normal but within 1 hour of him arriving at work i get a phone call from my so called friend with her husband saying that my husband had just rung her and would she ring him back but she refused. Also he is using a mobile number that is new to me. I am OK with letting go, I am intelligient enough to sort out the finances but without going into details I know he is trying to rip my off and I've just been made redundant.  We split up 5 years ago for 3 months but have been ok until now but I have just found out that he has never told one of his relatives (who I don't speak to) that we got back together and she thinks we've been separated for 5 years. PS we have a 21 year old son who still lives at home but will not take sides.I know I can move on but my biggest fear is being on my own and unloved till the rest of my days.

    Mon 9, Feb 2009 at 3:13pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    hi, im 22 and i feel the same after being betrayed. I no what its ike to feel like i will never find anoyone... as thats how i have felt over the last few months. Gradually i am realising that i an attractive, just that my confidence took one hell of a knock. You will start to fel better, when time goes by. You will find someone when you least expect it. Take care and stay strong !! xx

    Mon 16, Feb 2009 at 9:04pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hi i am 16 and my dad cheated on my mom about 12 years ago. She forgave him but she was always a little scared. A few years ago the lady my dad had an affair with came back to town. She and my dad met back up secretly. My older sister was driving home from school and saw his truck parked on the side of the road. She thought she saw this lady with him but wasnt sure. When dad got home all hell broke out. Mom told my little brother my older sister and me everything! My sister and i were yellin and screaming how much we hated him for hurtin our mom. Everyone was crying and my little brother was sittin in daddy's lap saying dont listen. They dont mean it. Well my parents worked it out. The other day i was at the school gym playing basketball with my friends. Daddy walked in and made me leave because he wanted to talk to my brother and me. We got home and walked in his room. We both knew what was coming. Daddy starts crying and tells us that he is moving out. He says he loves my mom but he is not in love with her.

    Thu 19, Feb 2009 at 7:49pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hi I have been with my partner for nearly 8 years, we were engaged to be married this June but last year in November I could detect a change the usuall simple ways you know something is wrong and like most women I trusted my intuition. One night I rang his mobile number whilst I was out, by complete chance as he can not get a signal from our house, I was shocked when he answered the phone, I knew straight away he had driven from the house to get a signal, when I got home I congronted him and could tell straight away he was lying to me, after a while he gave in and told me he had been having an affair with a woman from work much younger that me, like a lot of people on here I felt my world had just caved in, all the usuall crying screaming why why why, he was quite honest then, he had feelings for her and she had just ended it, the phone call he made to her was to tell her not to feel bad at work!! I since have had really bad days when I hate him, days when I can't bear to lose him, he is selfish now in as much as he does not want to talk about it, refuses to answer any of my questions, says he wants to put it behind him, he says he made a mistake and regrets it, but there is so much water gone under the bridge so much confusion, I am still in a place where I don't know if I am doing the right thing, the only thing I do know is there will never be a second chance, as I grow stronger maybe I will end it anyway, one thing I do know is I will not rush I will do it my way. I have lost respect for him, he knew exactly what he was doing, he has to redeem himself somehow ,but time will tell. Don't rush girls , ladies be strrong and know HE is the one ultimatly to blame NOT you. If You feel things had gone wrong between you before the affair be sensible address them, but don't blame them, don't get your own back, it takes you to his level, forgiveness can happen time is the key.. LOL K xx
     

    Fri 20, Feb 2009 at 10:01pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    I wish my story was different from everyone here but it is not
     

    Thu 26, Mar 2009 at 1:59pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    I like your comment LOL K. Im in that place right now. All hit the fan on Thursday and made him move out to his mothers that day. Getting constant calls to beg forgivness and come to see me and the kids. Im so angry I dont want to see him or even talk to him but i miss him so much and the house seems so lonely. However your comment mirrored some of my initial thoughts so I will try and be strong.
    TT

    Fri 27, Mar 2009 at 7:40pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    i fell in love with a married man and thought yes he did really love me and for the first time in my life i felt complete, i was will to leave my husband and take my three kids and start a new life with this man and he turn around and told my he just bull shitted me and never loved me after all, the hurt i fell was unbearable i thought about killing my self for it to go away but my kids needed me and i slowly started to learn the day after day, my heart is broken i feel dirty and confused im unable to make love to my husband any more and i dont think i cud ever let another man touch me,, how can a man i knew spoke with ever day and for nearly two year say by the way i regret you!!!!!! as for his wife i do feel sorry for her i think she knew all the time and was will ing to forgive him and forget it he got away with it and im very certain he will do it again but i know for sure i wont i learn my lesson, i nearly lost my life my kids and i have lost my relationship with my husband but im getting my life back im able to sleep at night and im able to smile when my kids are having fun that i thank god for...........................

    Mon 13, Apr 2009 at 4:53pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hi its kizzy, posted a bit a while back.
    The update with my situation was that i ended it two days ago... his affair just wrecked eveything, and its 12months on and only now have i been so clear minded. I must admit that things have been on a slippery slop, as i found him planting traps to find out if i move objects, checking my mobile, emails etc as if i were the one that was unfaithful. Now i finally know what it is i want im so very happy like a weight has been lifted. All i can say is that you will eventually make sense of you rfeelings, it does take time and effort. wising you the best of luck!!

    Tue 14, Apr 2009 at 7:27pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    My husband left me seven weeks ago.  He said he had not been happy for 2 years and that he wanted to be single again but that was a lie he moved out and moved in with someone he had only known for a week.  He said he loves her and no longer loves me.  Our 12 year old daughter is heartbroken as it turned out it was one of her friends mum.  She cant forgive her dad and neither can I he has told so many lies since he has left and he has tried to blame me for all of it but I am not the one who cheated  he is. It is hard to get my head round all the emotions that are running away with my life.  How can someone say after 13 years they dont love you and that they now love someone they had only known for a week.  I wish I could understand it might make things easier for me and my daughter.

    Fri 24, Apr 2009 at 3:09pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    hi
    i found out 4 weeks ago that my husband of 5 years has had a 1 week affair ,he started hiding his phone etc so i knew something was wrong.he left straight the way and i was a total mess,it was so out of charactor and i didnt see anything coming as i thought all was ok, i later found out as at last he had the decency to tell me that it was a 1 week affair with a lap dancer,we have 2 young children and i was devastated,he also knew that he had made a big mistake and was wracked with guilt.
    he has since came back to us but i am really struggling to deal with things at the minute,i cant sleep and am having panic attacks,constsntly worrying where he is and what hes doing,i love him so much and always will but this is so hard,i dont know what to do and because he feels so guilty if i get upset he gets angry cause it reminds him of wat hes done...but what about me??? i am so angry at the minute,confused and life is a struggle but i am trying my hardest to rebuild things,but the way im feeling at the minute i dont know if i can,i know its early days and just hoping that in time things will become easier

    Mon 27, Apr 2009 at 4:27pm
  • Cc Esme (moderator) Flag

    Hi, Anonymous,
    Right now things are really difficult for you. You have been so hurt by your husband's affair and naturally feel angry.  You still love him and understand him well enough to see that guilt is behind his angry responses. It may take time for you to trust him again. You both may find it helpful to speak to a counsellor. Both www.marriagecare.org.uk or www.relate.org.uk would be able to help you. You may also want to speak to your GP about your panic attacks and difficulty in sleeping, and many surgeries also provide counselling.
    I wish you well.
     

    Tue 28, Apr 2009 at 8:52pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    I wish I had the foresight to tell you how your life will play out or how mine will.  I do not.   If I had such a good view of the world, I would have seen the demise of my marriage coming.  I did not.   I was happily married for over 32 years.  I have three children and my husband's job took him on the road in the last five years more than a marriage should bear.  I stood by and patiently waited for the nightly phone calls to check in. which he did faithfully.   what I did not know was that for the last year when he called me, it was when "she" was in the shower or he had a moment to spare.  Perhaps she was sitting right there when he called me.    I have no idea.  He lived two lives for a year.. one with me and our adult kids back home and the other one, in Mexico with his girlfriend and his job.   His priorities shifted.  His main concern was himself and her.   She was cheating on her own "lazy" husband and two children.  She gave the kids to her husband so she and my husband can live a beautiful life together.   Now, where to go and what to do?  I'm on my own.   I have fabulous children.   My life was not in vain and when I look back our marriage was a good one.  I felt depressed and shocked.   The truth is my husband has run away from home, from his resonsibilities and from life.  Not just me; all of it.  so like many of you, i struggle to think the man I loved with all myheart and soul, has betrayed me.  He has chosen someone over me and our kids and it hurts a great deal.   But, it's time to do what they say.. live life to it's fullest. is  your greatest revenge.  there is nothing I can do to change what has happened.  I have offered to take him back and work on our marriage.  Surely it's worth fighting for.  He thinks not.   I do not hate this man.  I still love him, but have decided to let him go.   I'm letting him go, the memory of him go and the future hopes go.  He is NOT the man I married.  He is someone else.  I'm letting the new guy off the hook.  If the old guy shows up... with some recovery plans, it's possible.  but each day that goes by his behaviors put him futher in the ditch.   The hands outstreatched to reach him are slowly being withdrawn.   He is his own worst enemy.   I feel bad for the family that we will not have what we thought we would.  I feel bad for my kids that they have to deal with a dad that has fallen from the pedestal and grace.   I feel bad for me... as I am having trouble falling out of love iwth him in spite of all he's done.  And I feel bad for him.   He has destroyed his life and until he repents or has any remorse, he will not recover from this.  Eventually the guilt will eat him up and she will leave him.   She is fourteen years junior and when he is in his sixties, unless he's like the richest man arond... she's going to shop around.  He really believes he loves her.   that's what is shocking.    hang in there and realize that you are not resonsible for someone else's fall from grace.   Life is choices.  He chose to be with another woman.  He chose to not love you and your family enough to fight for what's right.  He chose what FELT right rather than do the RIGHT thing and make it work.   choices.   we all make choices.   Make sure yours are for you and your children and CHOOSE to chose instead of being handed your future... go make it.  you can do it.   sun high in the sky, back tall and head held high.   You can do whatever you want to .. and know that you are loved by God and your family.  A wonderful support team.

    Wed 29, Apr 2009 at 2:52am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    To the woman above married 32 years and husband leaving for another woman.  Your letter was almost identical to my life.  I was married nearly 32 years, my husband left and calm as could be telling me he learned he had to live life to the gusto, and wasnt happy anymore.  He lied about having someone else,she was a coworker he had been confiding with at work about her unhappy marriage.  She left her husband and my husband left me the same week both moved to the same town. She found him the place to live and she lived 6 blocks away.  They couldnt live together then because the worked the same place and were trying to keep their affair a secret,cuz its a small town.  My husband lied to me and our 3 grown daughters about his relationship with her, saying were just friends.  It will be 2 years in August since they have been seeing each other. Since then she filed and got her divorce, and my husband filed on me when hers was final.  Now my husband is trying to blame me, and continues to say they are just friends.He is lieing and trying to take me to the cleaners with the divorce settlement. Hiding assets,etc  I dont know this man. He is definately a different person and so decietful. I have alot of faith in God, and can see the viscious sin invloved when spouses cheat.  I still love my husband I married, and yes it is extremely hard to let go of 32 years, and the fear of the unknown.  Trust is totally shattered.  But I also feel sorry for him, and the wrong road he has chosen,but you do reap what you sow.  He has totally distanced himself from our grown daughters, and grandchildren.  It is so sad.  I dont feel I did anything that would cause him to cheat.  God Bless All of You going through the same thing.  God will take care of us.  

    Sun 24, May 2009 at 12:46am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    annon
    About 3 weeks ago this happened i was dumped and with my ex partner for 7 years he told me he hadnt loved me for 2 years and should of ended it along time ago, its a copy of sarahs story except i wasnt married we have a 4 year old son together.  I knew there was something wrong with him i asked him if he was ok, looked at him and asked if he had met someone else he said yes and hung his head, "I was going to tell you he said" you can imagine all the emotions,I had a fear of going to bed, couldnt sleep, eat, wanted to know where he was, what she looked like? why her and not me & our son? I felt i was getting obssive thats all i thought about him, i knew i had to stop,  he met her on the internet and been talking to her for a few weeks he said i think its been going on for a long time, then i found out she was local and someone i knew and had two young children I found out by myself who this woman was he finally said i was right, all the lies, so i wouldnt find out who it was he was shocked at how i found out but i was bound to sooner or later.  He sees our son every night for an hour, He wants to stay friends why?..........however i have good days and bad. i dont feel the need to text him or drive past his house. no matter how much i miss and love him i wont have him back ever! i have my pride but im a true believer in what goes around comes around, there was life before them there is a life out there after them........good luck!

    Sun 24, May 2009 at 1:10am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    I am in utter trauma, After an 18 year marriage i found out my husband was having an affair in february, after flitting between the 2 of us for 3 weeks he finally left in the early hours of the morning on 23rd March. For 2 weeks our relationship was over, one evening i was going out and he came round to take our daughters aged 19 and 15 out for something to eat. He was in the bedroom as i was getting ready. I rested my head on his shoulder just to feel him next to me again,he put his arms round me and started kissing me and was all over me. We did not have sex but if i had let him that night we would have done. Since then i have now turned into the mistress. We go out together when we can, we meet before work for 5 mins each day, go to lunch together when we can, he tells me he loves me and has never stopped loving me. Our relationship was good prior to and during the affair. The only thing it lacked was affection, not sex affecton. I believe that i had just got out of the habbit of showing affection as that is now al i want to do.As our children had grown much of my attention was directed at them and i did not give what i should to my husband. Since our relationship has rekindled He says he did not beleve i had the capacity to show affection any more. She had given him affection flattered him made him feel good. he hadlooked at his life and seen this as an opportunity for happiness in the future. He says if he knew then what he knows now about how i feel about him and my capacity to give affection that he would never have left.  We talk about when he returns but he says he has to be sure that he will not want to leave again before he can actually come back. I try so often to let go and make my self move on but i cannot. I love him totally and can not let go. My life is s mess  wait for every text, every phone cal and evry moment that i can spend with him. I don't think he understands the emotional and mntal trture that he is doing to me. We now have sex regularly,I have currently said that that must happen no more but i know i will weaken again. he has stayed at home one night since he left lying to his partner that i was away for the nightand he needed to stay with the kids. He plans to come on holiday with us at the end of June. When we come home he will wave bye bye and go back to the arms and the bed of his lover ad leave me all over again. I believe his new relationship is infatuation. She has left a difficult marriage and her  children to be with my husband, but i believe shehas engineered and manipulated the whole thing. She has a good job but my husband told me yesterday he has discovered she has £20000 of debt on credit cards etc. My husband has a good job but is careful with OUR money and i find it shocking that he would consider taking on someone who is so lax when it comes to money. He likes 'boys toys' motor bikes, cycling, etc etcand has always had what he wants. He is setting himself up for a life of debt and unhappines the absolute opposite of what he set out to achieve!! I keep going because i love him and i believe we have a chance. What i don't understand is why he just doesn't come home. Any rational thoughts would be apprecited. Thank you Katie

    Mon 25, May 2009 at 1:01pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hi Katie,
    Really feel for you as in a similar situation myself. What a lucky man, he is truly having his cake and eating it! The only hope for your future and your sanity is to STOP sleeping with him. If you have a future then you must do it honestly... tell him you are no longer going to be his 'mistress' and if he wants this he needs to return to being your husband. He obviously has feelings for you and with help you can get through this and maybe be stronger than before but it WILL NOT HAPPEN if you continue as you are. If he won't commit to your relationship and leave the other woman then you are unable to move on with your life too. What a LUCKY man to have all the comforts and loving of a wife and then be able to return to his mistress!
    It won't be easy for you to be strong enough to stop the cycle that you are in but you can't continue as you are.
    Really hope this helps.
    Julia

    Wed 27, May 2009 at 8:05am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    I've been married 12 years but with my husband for 17 years. We married young and had children very young - they are 14 and 15 years old and I'm only 32. Anyway, I just discovered that my husband has been having at least two affairs one emotional and sexual and one emotional. I was so angry and hurt and cried hysterically. It's been almost a week and I hardly eat and have trouble sleeping. I keep thinking about the other woman. I love him so much and so scared to be without him, I've been with him more than half my life. He says he only loves me and initially  begged me to go to counseling and work it out but a few days later (last night) said he doesn't know what he wants and if he really wants to work it out - thinks he needs to be alone. He said he does not want to be with anyone else but doesn't know if we can be happy - that we are so disconnected. We've been sleeping together and carrying on to the world like nothing is happening. I'm afraid and embarrassed to tell my family. They will all have an opinion. I wonder if what I'm doing is backfiring - making myself so available to him. I wondered if I should have kicked him out and forced a break but I was afraid that would just drive him to the other women.
    So Very Sad

    Wed 27, May 2009 at 1:17pm
  • User-anonymous Jenny Flag

    Dear Anonymous, You sound very isolated and lonely. Is it possible for you to go to a counsellor on your own for the moment? Your husband is very confused and unable to make any decisions at present. It sounds as though you need some support for yourself. Relationship counselling services generally prefer to see a couple together, but if that is not possible, they are quite happy to to see individuals and offer their services on a one-to-one basis. Keep in touch with this community too - they are very kind and supportive. 

    Wed 27, May 2009 at 4:59pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Jenny, was your response to me?  Seems everyone is anonymous. I don't know how to add a name. I'm taking it one day at a time. Crying everyday.

    Thu 28, May 2009 at 10:33pm
  • Cc Morwenna (moderator) Flag

    Dear Anonymous (the comment above at 11.33pm on 28 May)
    Just to confirm Jenny's response was to you - if you want to go with her suggestion of seeing a counsellor (on your own if necessary, that would be fine), have a look at www.marriage.org.uk or www.relateorg.uk for access to counselling.  If you want to be able to post on the site with a name, you need to register on the site - go to http://thecoupleconnection.net/users/new to register, it is very easy to do - remember to register with a name that can't identify you, e.g. Talker or YellowLady.  Good luck with the way forward.

    Fri 29, May 2009 at 9:46am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Ok thanks. I will register but do you know of a site for access to counseling in the US? I didn't realize this was a UK site.

    Fri 29, May 2009 at 11:10am
  • User-anonymous Rachel Flag

    I dont have any direct experience of counselling in the USA so sought advice from colleagues and can pass on the following recommendations.
    http://twoofus.org/married/index.aspx
    http://www.smartmarriages.com/
    Hope this is useful

    Mon 1, Jun 2009 at 4:06pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Ok, I met my husband in 1979, we lived together and were married in 1981.  He retired from his job, and that is when we started having problems, the new job offshored his job, he was out of work, he got a new job, I got cancer.  The houses were so expensive where the new job was we were to wait (me and our daughters) and this went on and on.  In Dec he said he wasn't sure how he felt, I drove down there to see him and a woman in our family car.  Well, he admitted he was having an affair and had moved in with her.  Xmas from hell and hell ever since.  He comes home, says he loves me, goes there and is confused.  No counseling, then counseling, his drinking came up, he stopped counseling.  Now, I had a surgery and then an emergency surgery, and he loves me, two days later not sure.  Now he came up for our daughters graduation and he says we can stay marriade, get a home, we will each have our own rooms no sex ever again.  Hello, I love this man, we have been together for over 30 years.  Our daughters are so pissed at him, they want to never see him again, I am trying to not have that happen, he is their dad.  Anyone think this will work out?  I think we have been living apart so long that he has forgotten us.  He also says the past doesn't matter to him, he won't even spread his moms ashes with me and our girls.  What is going on with him?

    Thu 4, Jun 2009 at 2:22am
  • User-anonymous westcoast Flag

    Also, he never calls our daughters, like several calls a year.  I don't know what to do, I want him to be in his body, to not be this other strange man he has become.  I see glimpses of him, then it is gone.

    Thu 4, Jun 2009 at 2:24am
  • User-anonymous another Flag

    I am sorry to read such distressing messages.  That said, although my personal situation is very very similar, it makes me feel that I am not alone.  I am male, 34, with a wife who has cheated on me for 7 of our 8 years marriage...subsequently I was fathering 2 children born during our marriage that were not even mine.  However, I decided to remain as the children would be distaught without me and my wife has been extremely apologetic and has said that she so did not appreciate me in the past . One thing that strikes me is the selfishness of you ex husband.  I have been cheated like you, and we are both willing to stick it out despite the pain, but your ex, what an idiot.  How can he leave you and your kids for someone else.  See how long it lasts.  If he stayed with you then one can acknowledge that he made a mistake and is doing whatever to make up for it (like my wife is).  I actually do not only feel sad for you, but  feel quite angry at your ex.  It seems you may not feel you can move on.  Talking will definitely help you.  TA

    Sun 5, Jul 2009 at 6:03pm
  • User-anonymous jonolo Flag

    So many confused men - makes me feel that the non-committal and cold talk of my partner (we are currently separated) was actually nothing I should fear but rather pity (but in a nice way - as nice as is possible when he clearly did not care how much I was hurting). If the partner is feeling cold, confused...maybe they are to be pitied more than the one who has been betrayed or left or rejected. In my next relationship, I am going to avoid expecting divine behaviour and be realistic in my understanding of human nature. Anything is possible, and ultimately me and my heart are the only things permanent. I will do my best for the other, but know that it could all change tomorrow, and be at peace with that.
    Jonolo

    Tue 16, Mar 2010 at 7:29pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    I am so sorry to hear that that happened. It is such a sad thing when a man is selfish and stupid and does something like that. (Advertisement for commercial website removed as contrary to terms and conditions of use of this site.)

    Mon 21, Feb 2011 at 6:54pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    I don't know where to start, i have been with my husband 22 years married 18 years this year. We have two children. We have been struggling together for a couple of years, he has a really stressful job in the police force. I have been in and out of jobs for a few years having been made redundant twice, and i feel so useless because he was telling me i was. I was also having problems with our oldest child, behaviou has been awful and no respect has been shown towards me.This has all added stress and pressure for my husband who took 6 months off work and had some counselling. He started going out a lot with friends and wasn't coming home until 4.30, 5.00 in the morning. His councellor recommended a lady colleauge for me to see last year so i went, hoping it would help. It only made things worse because for one reason was i didn't know why i was there! I felt so stupid when she asked me on the first session how she could help me. All i could say was i'm coming because my husbands councellor recommended him to refer me to one. Not to go together though which i found strange. Counselling made my husband worse, he hated me and resented me and decided to go out even more one thing led to another and he met a woman he was in school with.He hasn't seen her for years, but she had recently split from her 3rd husband. They exchanged telephone numbers and went their separate ways, for a few hours at least. Then he realised he wanted more so he phoned her 4 times and met her at midnight. His mum was looking after the children for him in our house because i had gone away with my friend for the first time in all our married years.It was sat march 13 mothers day was the 14th!!!! I grew increasingly suspicious throughout the next few months. Our childs birthday was in april and i wanted to do something special for him like drayton manor or lego land,he didn't want to go anywhere and kept saying we couldn't afford to go. He earns over 40 grand a year! He was texting her on our sons birthday when we were at the seaside together as a family! We had a lovely day out together and of course at this time i knew nothing. Throughout april he continued to go out with the lads and stay out increasingly late. He also claimed he was doing a lot of overtime in the town centre on saturday nights 7pm until 5am. Perfect timing for a shift he could have been meeting her and staying over until the end of his supposed shift then making his way home to us. He was so cold duringthe next two months and used to play squash at every given opportunity. He went away for a weekend for a tournament and didn't want me to go because again we couldn't afford it. It was going to cost 280 pound for a room, the day before he went away he withdrew 280 pound exactly out of our account in three transactions from three separate machines in different areas near to where we live. He didn't phone home at all in 4 days. He didn't even text our oldest child. He was too busy texting the other woman or should we say his tart! He didn't sleep for two nights he was texting her and sending photo messages of himself all through the two nights. He had to check out of the hotel early on the monday and had a four hour journey back home. He was texting her all the way home during driving and didn't come home until nearly seven. The last text to her was at 4. The timings don't work out, he told me he was in tescos but i think he went straight to her. Lets face facts his family weren't on his mind the whole weekend! They were probably dying to see one another after all that contact. This was april 19, on 24 he mentioned that a few of the boys were going out but he didn't think he would go cos he was away all the last weekend. We were sat on the sofa together and he was on his computer, His phone was going like crazy and i asked him who it was he said it was one of the boys he works with. They'd been together all day so i didn't believe him,i tried to have a look at his computer and he got all defensive and within ten minutes he was upstairs getting ready to go out. I lay on our bed crying and pleading with him not to go out, He just told me to go to f.....ing bed. i watched him shave and spray his perfume and i was breaking my heart. I watched him from the bedroom window walk away he looked back to see if i was there probably knowing i would be. That was 9.40pm and he didn't come home until 4.55 in the morning. His jeans were undone being held up by a belt and he wasn't wearing the jumper he went out in.What am i supposed to think? He was also buzzing of womens perfume. I asked him if there was someone else and he lied and said no, but he did say that he wasn't sure if he wanted to be with me and he didn't love me anymore. The truth comes out when you're drunk, i only wish he could have told me the truth that night. I didn't find out until may 28th his phonebill arrived along with mine and our oldest childs and i opened his by mistake, they are all in his name. There it was in front of me 10 pages long and he was texting himself as well it was then i realised he had two phones on the go one for me and one for her. Iam broken hearted struggling with every day. He stayed with me and says he loves me and the children. He won't talk about it and goes mad if i mention it because he wants to forget that chapter it was the worst time of his life he says. I can't forget it or forgive and i'm dreaming of them together, i see them together when i'm awake too. I want to have counsellling together but he won't go because he says it made him feel worse last time he went for stress related illness because they turned it all around and made out it was his personal life causing all the hassle. I keep bringing it up and want him to suffer as much as i am. We have booked our summer holiday, and he's also making plans for other trips away with and without the children but i am spoiling it all because all i am thinking of and focussing on is her. He has had enough and he left 3 days ago. I am absolutely so devastated. I cannot sleep, eat of function properly. I am trying for our younger childs sake only being 4 and missing daddy so much i keep telling him dads in work. He has phoned and spoken to us both and he says he doesn't know if he's coming home he can't see me getting any better even though i realise i have pushed him away. I am so afraid he is going to go back to her even though he keeps telling me he ended it weeks before i found out and she was long over. I'm afraid of losing him i love him so much and don't want my children to grow up in a broken home and have step mum and dad. Today i have phoned the counsellor and hope to see her as soon as i can but i don't know if it will heal my broken heart, he has done this twice and the first time it was also with this tart of a woman so how can i get over it? We were newly married when he first went home to this divorced womans house and stayed the night. I have been feeling really ill lately because it's coming up to a year and mothers day is looming, so i paid the other woman a visit a few weeks ago to hear from her lips what exactly went on. Everything he told me ,she clarified there was no sexual relationship, they were just friends going through the same breakdown in marriage. She did reveal to me that he had set up a fake facebook account in a womans name so they could keep in contact after 9.00pm he has always hated me using facebook and says how dangerous it is. She also told me he had downloaded photos of her and printed them off so he could take her away with him when he went on his tournament, he slept with her on his pillow. When i told him where i'd been and i asked him if all this was true he admitted all and still keeps telling me it's me he loves and wants to be with, but i think he's only with me because he was knocked back by her. She told him she didn't want to be involved with a married man but she already was for nearly three months that i know about anyway. She told me he went to her crying saying he'd made the biggest mistake of his life, was that marrying me or going with her again? She's had her fun, messed with both our heads for the second time and she apparantly wants her ex back but he's now with someone else and moving on. I'm afraid i'll never be able to do that. I am so destroyed inside but hide my feelings so well to all my friends when really i'm so angry and devastated betrayed and humiliated. Everyone knew about it because they didn't hide it they were in a couple of our local pubs together. Why did nobody tell me at the time? I really want him to come home to us, am i crazy?

    Wed 23, Feb 2011 at 12:45am

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