My girlfriend won't admit her lies. Should I ignore this or leave her if she doesn't confess?

Categories:

Sex/Intimacy & romance, Affairs & Jealousy, Making a Commitment

I have been with my girlfriend now for a year and a half. When we met I never had a proper relationship before, and she told me that she previously had a six year relationship with her first boyfriend and was engaged to her next boyfriend. Also her ex-fiance was abusive. I wasn't intimidated at the time, as she didn't know me then, and I knew at 23 years of age, most people have had past relationships. She also asked me how many people I had slept with. I told her three, and she was suprised. I didn't ask her then, as i never would have thought she had slept with many people, as most of her life she had been in relationships. But later into our relationship I heard a rumour that her first relationship ended because she cheated with some guy ten years older than her. I didn't believe it at first, but it was torturing me so I eventually asked her. She broke down crying and confessed that it was true, but said she did it because her boyfriend cheated on her first. I was secretly disgusted, as I knew the guy she cheated with and he is vile and I couldn't understand why my girlfriend would ever want to sleep with him. But I didn't want to show I was upset, because I know everyone can make mistakes. I lost my virginity to a prostitute and I am deeply ashamed at this. The only positive that came from my mistake is that I learned that sex can be a dirty and disgusting thing if you are doing it with someone who you don't have loving feelings for, and I never slept about later on in life when I came out of my shell and found that girls were more interested in me, and if I hadn't had my first sexual experience in the way I did, when the oportunity presented itself to sleep with random girls I might have acted on it. However, I knew that someday I had to confess this dirty secret of mine.
After I learned about my girfriends previous cheating, I couldn't help but worry about her. She had left her phone in my car one day, and I checked her messages. I saw that she was texting a few guys with kisses in the messages, but didn't get carried away, as I didn't know who the guys were, and I had no right to be looking at her messages. I asked her one night how many people she slept with and she refused to tell me, even though she thought it was appropriate to ask me earlier in our relationship. She assured me however that it wasn't many so I shouldn't worry. I accepted this at first, but eventually realised it was unfair of her and insisted she told me. She told me she slept with five people. I was relieved (and naive and stupid as I never stopped to think why she didn't tell me this in the first place). That night she also confessed that when she was with her ex fiance she got pregnant, and had an abortion. She was really upset and said that her fiance forced her to have the abortion. I was shocked, but felt that she could trust me as she said it was the first time she told anybody this.
Things were going good in our relationship. I still had small doubts, but put it down to jealousy, and felt I had no right to judge as I had a secret of my own. The big changing point in the relationship came when one day, when she was checking her emails she had wrote her password where her username should be by accident. She didn't realise I noticed, and then I knew her password. Really sneaky of me I know, but I couldn't help myself, and checked her messages. I had told myself that I wouldn't see anything upsetting, and that I would confess that I looked after. But what I seen made me feel sick. She was flirting with a guy from Dublin, who I already knew that she had dated before she met me, but thought it was nothing serious. While she was with me she went to Dublin with a friend, and a message that the guy sent her a few days after the trip said that he just wanted to be friends with her and he is sorry that she wanted more. Also seen a message from her sent the week we started seeing each other. In the message she wanted to meet up with the guy and she was dying to see him. And there messages to and from another guy just a few days before we met, arranging to meet up. This guy is the same guy who she was exchanging messages with, whilst with me. And in the year between she left her ex fiance and met me, there were countless intimate messages with numerous guys, so it became clear that my girlfriend, who apparently slept with only five men, was a complete slut. But it got worse. The messages between her and her ex-fiance claim that he wasn't the abusive monster she claims, that yes, he retaliated sometimes, but that she usually started the fight, and she was usually drunk, or on pills, and that he heard that she cheated on him, and that they had threesomes involving them and another guy, and she would perform oral sex on the other guy whilst her fiance watched, expecting him to enjoy it.

I told her that I checked her emails and she got really mad. I said I was sorry for checking her emails and said we needed to talk about it. We sat down to talk and I said we needed to talk about what I saw, but she refused and said we were discussing what I did wrong. I finally stood up for myself and said that we needed to discuss her lies. I told her what I saw and said it was time to confess everything. She confessed that she slept with more that five men, but didn't want to give me an answer, but I insisted she told me. She said twelve, which i don't know whether to believe or not. But she said that everything else was lies from her ex-fiance, and she was nothing more than friends with them other guys when she was with me, contrary to whatever the messages said. She also said that when she went to Dublin with her friend she talked to the guy from the messages for about five minutes and that was all that happened. She was crying and seemed really sincere, so I accepted what she said. Looking back I can't believe I was so gullable. About a month later I found her camera and found pictures of her with the guy from Dublin on a night out together, which made them look like more than friends. And the date on the pictures were the exact same date that she was in Dublin whilst with me. I confronted her about this but she insisted it was a coincidence. I couldn't believe that she was still denying it. I decided that I would let her know about how I lost my virginity, as it was the only secret I had from her. I told her this, and said that I had always intended in telling her eventually, even if the subject didn't come up, but the main reason I was telling her was because I wanted her to stop the lies and confess what I already knew. But still, she stuck by her story. I had enough and later I broke up with her. But it didn't last. I couldn't cope without her. I begged for her back. She agreed to have me back on the condition that I accepted that she was telling the truth and we didn't mention the emails again. I said I couldn't agree to that but I promised I wouldn't leave her because of my doubts again.

It's been months since this all happened. I never bring up my problems now and just try not to upset her. But im less affectionate. I love her, but every day I think about her flaws and when you put them all together it makes the characteristics of a bad person. I find it hard to say she is beautiful. Her weight would go up and down throughout our relationship, and I still found her attractive. But now it's really hard to find her attractive, not because of her appearance, but because of her past and what she did to me. I reflect on everything I read in the emails, and can't believe that I thought that she may have been telling the truth. I wish I had been more wise and had more sense and dumped her as soon as I confronted her and she wouldn't own up to her lies. To be fair, since I last broke up with her, she has been a really good girfiend. She has always been there for me, and has given me no reason to mistrust her since. She isn't completely naive, she still knows that I don't have complete trust in her. She hasn't changed her email password since I checked it, and would ask me to check her emails for her if I was on the computer, and she would ask me to check her phone if she was driving or busy. I honestly don't think she has hurt me in any way since, and don't think she intends to. But she is moving to Liverpool in two months to study. I don't think she intends to slip up and cheat on me. But there is one thing i'm sure of. If she does betray me, I know she won't confess to me, and I will never know. It's bad enough knowing about how she hurt me before and won't confess to it, but she knows now that she doesn't have my full trust, so if she does cheat on me again, she will make sure that I never find out. I know from what I have said, anybody that reads this will realise that i'm a lost cause, and I don't have the strength to get out of this relationship, and I will end up staying with this woman for as long as she wants me, but i'm just sharing my problem in hope that somebody can give me a new answer that will help me, if even just a little.