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my boyfriend works with his ex and when I ask for reassurance he doesnt give it.
I've been going out with my boyfriend for 4 years and living with him for 1 year. I have always had a niggle about the ex that he works with, but it has grown out of all proportion and has started affecting my daily life and his, I am not a particularly confident person but I would say I wasn't a particularly insecure one either. When I have had a bit of a wobble (when I say wobble I mean thought to myself she is an attractive person who is very flirty and was once attracted to my boyfriend and he was to her) I have felt I have needed a bit of reassurance from him to make me feel more comfortable. When I have asked him for some reassurance from him, he doesn't know what to say to me... he just says that he is with me now and that was in the past end of, I don't know why but this doesn't particularly make me feel any better and a lot of the time if I have asked for reassurance and that's all he says it usually ends up in an argument because I don't feel any better about the situation. I can not sort my mind out as to whether I have trust issues with him, or I am insecure or its just a natural thing for me to be feeling threatened by the situation.
Just to put you in the picture a bit more clearly my boyfriend had an affair with the woman at work before I met him, he was single she was not, he sees nothing wrong with this because he was single (so I know he has different morals to mine), she is married and has a child and is apparently very flirty with all of the men there and has had other affairs with men whilst she's been married, recently my boyfriends office had to move and so now there is only the three of them in one office, my boyfriend the woman he had the relationship with, another woman and the boss has his own office.
I have no problems that there is another woman in the office I don't feel threatened by her at all, but I do feel threatened by the woman who has all the affairs and had a relationship with him in the past.
If anyone has any advice as to what I can do in this situation for my own sanity I would greatly appreciate it!
Comments
You say that the niggle you've always had about your boyfriend's ex has grown out of all proportion-it's good that you recognise it so you can be more objective about the situation. I can understand why you feel uncomfortable about him working with her, but she is an ex, and he is with you now. I know that once doubts surface they can be hard to push down again. It's much easier to prove that someone has done something than that they haven't and sometimes we just need to trust. What would help you to do this?
Thanks for replying :)
I think if I had his ex put into perspective more for me when I was asking for reassurance it would help me feel a lot more comfortable in the relationship and would eventually fizzle out as a problem, as at the moment I don't feel like I am in reality where she is concerned, I see her as a total threat because in my head she is a perfect beautiful woman who's hilariously funny with an outstanding personality, incredibly sexy, never has a bad mood and who can have any man she wants, which I know can't be right because nobody is like that surely. I know that she is an ex and it makes it all in the past and that she can't be a better match than me for my boyfriend because I am the one whos with him and I don't want him to start saying a load of bad things about her I just want her put into reality for me, which I have asked him to do and it never happens.
Heres an example of something he said the other day when I asked what other people thought of her as I was still trying to get some perspective of her... it didn't help... he said that one of his work collegues said that she is better than his wife and if he was single he would be with her...
I obviously thought this was horrific on more levels than just one.
I am worried that at some point nothing will be able to reassure me as I feel I have had to fight so much to get anything out of him at all. I think I am getting more and more insecure in this relationship and maybe its not just one thing that's contributing to that.
I feel such a threat from this woman and I can't work out or get my mind straight as to whether its just some torturous game my boyfriend is playing for some kind of validation for himself on a subconscious level or whether I do actually have some kind of issues myself....? And if I didn't have any issues before I actually feel like I am developing them now, I really have no idea anymore of how to deal with this. help.