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My Boyfriend Relocated to Be With Me, But Our Depression is Ruining Our Relationship
So about two months ago, somewhere around Late July, I met a wonderful man whilst visiting my friend. We had immediate chemistry and quickly fell for each other. He was everything I wanted in a man - we were so similar in many ways. We were both happy and confident. We used to stay up all night just fooling around and laughing, and enjoyed every minute with each other. He lived 100 miles away and we would switch off driving to see each other every weekend. We couldn't wait to talk to each other on the phone ... we'd spend hours talking about nothing. When he looked at me his eyes lit up like I had made his whole day. He'd tell me I was beautiful every day, and would tell me how precious I was to him. Everything we did together was fun, even if we were just going to Walmart.
Lately, I've been having a "quarter life crisis". My career is failing, I'm trying to figure out where to go next with college, my dad is sick, I'm broke, and somewhere in between I've fallen into depression. My boyfriend has also fallen into depression since he relocated to be with me. I know he is having similar problems with his life - not knowing where to go next.
Its like our spark is gone. He doesn't listen to me like he cares anymore. His eyes don't light up when he looks at me, or even when he smiles at me. He said one day "sometimes when you smile at me I just smile back to be polite." We argue daily, mostly because I feel incredibly misunderstood and every time I try to talk to him calmly and find peace he says something even worse to make me feel more hopeless. I miss the man I fell in love with - the person I'm with now is not the same. I even feel like having sex with him is to just get off, and not connect like we used to when we shared it.
I know our depression is feeding off of each other's, and I'm not as fun as I used to be, but his whole mode of communicating with me is different. I miss him like crazy (even though I see him every day) - sometimes I feel like the man I fell in love with was fake and this is how he really is.
I've told him I couldn't do this anymore and that we'd have to change and asked him what he thought he could do better to understand me and all he can ever say is "I don't know." and it drives me INSANE! Sometimes he says nothing. He claims he loves me, but my basic needs aren't being met and I'm starting to feel suicidal because its just too much. I'm not happy.
What can I do?
I just want US back. I know its possible but it feels so far away. Should I take time away from him to get better and come back when I can be what I need to be for him? Is that a bad idea?
Thanks guys <3
Comments
If you are feeling suicidal, then you need some professional help with your depression. Medication combined with cognitive therapy has been shown to be effective in the treatment of depression. Also, learning how to relax the mind at a deep level can be very helpful, this book shows how to do it:-
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Mindfulness-practical-guide-finding-frantic/dp/074995308X
From my reading of your post, I get the impression that a number of factors may have combined to drag the relationship down: maybe the first flush of romance has lost some of it's edge, and perhaps seeing so much more of each other in difficult circumstances (career, etc) seems like an anti-climax to how things were at the beginning of the relationship, i.e. you've gone from 'the honeymoon' to the hum drum of daily life and the dispiriting effects of feeling that one's ambitions and aspirations are being weighed down by adverse circumstances.
The fact that your partner is also depressed makes things even more difficult - when he's down on energy and dispirited in himself he's not in a position to support you. Feeling depressed probably means he' struggling to help himself, and so he's quite likely not 'hearing' much of what you say.
Depression numbs the senses - if you have a heavy cold you don't expect to walk in a flowered garden and inhale the fragrant scents that surround you. Depression makes it harder to reach and interact with the environment, it can cause you to feel unnoticed, not heard, and even invisible. If you both have this problem, then making a connection that feels like solid contact may be impossible.
Depression often coexists with anxiety - while the subjective experience of depression may be lethargy and tiredness, such symptoms have been shown to often be the product of an overactive mind (the book on the above link explains more on this). Learning the techniques of deep relaxation takes time and does require persistence, but if you stick at it, there are benefits to be reaped.
One of the problems with depression is that it makes it harder for people to anticipate positive outcomes, so while remedies might get considered, they may not get acted upon, or perhaps not followed through on enough to make them effective.
If you don't like the thought of medication, then maybe Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT) would be more acceptable to you? Combining CBT with deep relaxation methods can be very effective, but every treatment has to begin with the first step, and taking that first step can be hard when feeling depressed.
Depression is sometimes mistakenly thought of as a sign of weakness or idleness, whereas in reality it is often experienced by people who are very conscienous and strong willed, which has led to depression being referred to as: 'the curse of the strong'.
If you get really low, the Samaritans operate 24/7, and if you want to talk to a counsellor about your relationship, then Relate have lots of experience of listening and advising.
My advice to you is not to make any major decisions about your relationship until you feel better.
Sky
I have been where your boyfriend is now and where you are. After 15 years I found the same with my partner, the sparks gone, things become mundane, everything gets a bit samey, whats next, what do i want from life.its hard but realising you have reached this point and aren't happy is the main thing as you can both do something about it.
My relationship is at breaking point because me and my partner didn't do anything about it soon enough. I suffered with depression at this time also.
Coping with depression is very very hard initally but once you start doing something about it it becomes easier, and you and he will need to speak to your gp, please seek help with this i wouldn't want anybody to go through what i did. Depression gives you moods swings, makes you withdrawn and uncommunicative at the best. The problem, with depression is that its not that your don't feel anything but you feel to much and your body and mind can't handle it. Things do change and they do get better. but as the previous post said please do not make decisions about your relationship whilst you both feel this way. I was told this also a now can see why but because of me becoming ill, my partner was unhappy as I couldn't give her what she needed and this has deteriated. to breaking point where she is seeking that emmotionally ties and sex with other women, she can't see this and I can only hope she does, because she doesn't understand what depression really is. Cognative behavoiur treatment does work and once you realise how it does you will realise that anything is possible in life. I used this and medication for a short while to balance me out. so i could think clearly again. with depression things become muddled in your mind and can in cases suffer memory loss and you can't concentrate on things very well.
The man you fell in love is still in there but it will take time to come back, and hopefully he will see himself differently as i do, sex is hard when you have depression you have little or no sex drive and can be hard emmotionally you mind and body do not connect properly and this why it may seem like just getting off. Neither of you should force this and maybe holding each other or being close to each would be a better try- i've been on both sides and it feels pants.
I guess you feel like my partner did very unhappy but when he says he does love you believe him - because he wouldn't say it i think if he didn't mean it, I told her the same but its hard to believe when you look at he person and it seems hes not there, its hard to show somebody you love them when you cant feel anything yourself because of this illness. What depression really screws up is your emmotions they overwhelm you in parts to where you have to shut down inside this is difficult to explain, decisions seem impossible to make and I only coped on a day to day basis, but stick with him if you can it will be very hard and i'm not kidding you that. But he needs to seek help and so do you, before it gets any worse. Understanding depression isn't easy, on the other side of it you reassess life and realise what is and what isn't important in life.
I am slowly becoming a better man than the one i was but my partner will probable move on because of this, it takes time to heal from depressiona and isn't a overnight fix, and it may be sometime before you and him feel better in yourselves, everybody is different but from what you described about him sounds like i was. My partner like you. He won't be able to connect emmotional for a while, and i suspect that its his love for you that is keeping him going.
Seeing counseller about your realtionship and where you are in life and the after effects of depression will help you but please both you seek help. You may find that your depression is bought on by what he cannot give you at the minute, he can't cope himself so will not be able to give you much right now, i know this is making you unhappy but he is ill and this in turn is making you ill it maybe a idea for just you to see a counseller and talk now this will probably help you.