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My boyfriend feels like a roommate.

User-anonymous
Posted by: Anonymous
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Fri 16, Jun 2017 at 8:07am
Categories:
Finding Time for Each Other, Sex/Intimacy and romance, Getting on Better with my Partner, Making a Commitment, Life transitions, Communications in relationships, A Psychologist's Perspective

Hello, thank you all for taking the time to read this, I'm sorry but it it going to be quite long, but I do feel like this might help me.
So, I have been dating my boyfriend for a year, and after 10 months we moved in together. We were practically living together already; I was currently in a lease with a former friend and he was staying there with me every night. Just to clarify, this roommate of mine was completely anal about anything and everything, which intentionally made things uneasy between my boyfriend and myself. My lease was coming to and end and we both agreed that would should get a place together. Also, just to be clear, me and him have not had sex in 4 months. I myself have a prettt high sex drive and its putting a damper on our relationship.
About last month, we got into a full blown argument and I was ready to move out. We pretty much broke up and I was looking for an apartment to move into right away. Fast forward a couple days and we forgive each other.. blah blah blah. Tension has been brewing between us even more lately since then and I honestly feel like we both are not getting the attention we deserve and want from each other as a couple.

He works 40 hours a week every week and we have no time together. I get off work 2 hours before he does and when I come home he is still very busy with what he had been working on since he got home. I feel distant from him emotionally, physically and spiritually. We feel like roommates. He also shuts out all forms of intimacy physical and emotional. He will laugh or fidget nervously if the topic gets too emotional or serious. He has actually fallen asleep on me while I am pouring my heart out to him; it doesn’t matter if I am talking about my dreams, my work, relationship issues, etc. I try to get him to talk to me about his stuff but he never has anything to say. I do confess that I myself don't really know how to get through to him, and it makes matters worse and end up getting so frustrated that I put him down and yell. I feel like I've tried everything possible to try and get him to understand how I'm feeling and get him to show emotion, that it's making me go crazy. So now I really don’t talk to him about those things and keep the subject light. It is a very strange relationship and I know there is a lot wrong but can’t seem to pinpoint it.
He is very satisfied with having a superficial, on the surface relationship. I want a deeper relationship with a good connection. We can’t even share a conversation anymore because we converse like strangers; ‘So what did you have for lunch today?”. Sooooo boring. From the outside we look like the perfect couple but I am just not feeling it. He gets hostile when I bring things up, all he ever knows wht to say is that he is sorry and that things will change. I know he wants to change, or for things to get better between us, but he doesn't know how to try. He sometimes is just a big kid. He is sarcastic alot and he really needs to do some internal growth. I know something is wrong but I don’t know how to fix it. Here is some background:

On his end:
-He has sexual intamicy issues since he was young because of something that happened to him. He's had about 3 other girlfriends before me, one of which he loved. Then he was single until he met me at 22.
-Both parents were never around much and let him do whatever he wanted. He pretty much raised his younger brother, so he is very much a slob around the house and doesn't really know how to take care of his things.
-He was on drugs before we met, heroin, but was taking methadone to get off it when we met. At first I did not know he was taking methadone and he was hiding it from me. I was suspicious as to why he was acting different and he finally came out and told me. I wasn't mad, just a little hurt that he would hide something like that from me. I would never judge him.
-After about 4months of dating, I found out he was sexting other girls and I kicked him out. He begged for forgiveness and I gave him another chance. (So far I haven't found out he has cheating on me again, but I am kind of suspicious as to the way he has been acting.)
-He is very passive. Never states his needs.
He is a very picky eater and always eats junk food, he has put on some weight since we have been together and I think all the stress is to blame.
-Although he completed his basics in college, he never really knew wht he wanted to do after that. He doesnt want to go back to school at this point. He actually won’t go for much of what he wants.
-He also claims he wants to be close to me but doesn’t know how. He doesn’t ever seem to know what he wants, feels, thinks, etc. He changes them depending on what he thinks I want to hear. So I feel like I don’t truly know him.
-I conclude he has severe fear of intimacy not just physical but intimacy at all levels. He distances people emotionally. He is nice and conflict free, which prevents people from investigating into him further.

On my end
– I have trust issues and a fear of intimacy too. I have issues trusting that others won’t hurt me, manipulate me, judge me etc, once I open up to them.
-I have a hard time feeling vulnerable. However, I learned this really messed up past relationships so I have been very vulnerable in this relationship, which has resulted in lots of hurt. I finally open up and he shuts me out or falls asleep. Men in the past would beg to get to know more than just my body. Now I feel stupid because I finally decided to take a leap of courage, open up my heart and his emotional distance feels like rejection. At the same time I feel brave, the only reason I am opening my heart up to him is because I could finally open it up to myself.
-I struggle with feelings of shame and guilt regarding sexuality. The lack of physical intimacy has me wanting sex, then I go into feelings of shame and guilt. I suppress my sexual desires but then become frustrated or depressed. I have been feeling depressed about the lack of connection, I realized that I was feeling so hurt and down by it because I subconsciously felt I didn’t deserve love or connection. So this relationship served as “proof” of that belief. Had I been more centered, I could have just said, “OK, I am not getting the connection I want and deserve so I am moving on and wishing you well”. However, I just internalized all of this, made it out to mean I am unworthy and caused unnecessary suffering.
– I don’t like myself in this relationship. I have become so bossy and demanding. I have become demanding because my needs aren’t being met and this also makes me feel needy. I have become so critical of his every move. I hate nagging him all the time, but I constantly have to tell him to pick up his stuff or remind him of the easiest tasks on the regular, because he has no concern for wht happens around him.
-I have low self esteem and am unmotivated to do pretty much anything, especially around the house. I would rather lay in bed and sleep all day. I am depressed and have been for a while now. When I was 14, I was diagnosed as anemic, which is a low count of red blood cells in the body, which in turn is low iron. Having an iron deficiency has taken a toll on my health and well being as a person in society. Mixing this with depression and made me lose weight, I have no interest in anything anymore. I work and come home that's it. We also smoke alot of thc, I just like to be numb to the world and smoking helps calm my anxiety. I honestly don't have many friends where we live because I moved here only 2 years ago, went to a trade school and went straight to work, me and my boyfriend don't drink, we don't go out. I am only 20, so even if so did want to go to a bar, I wouldn't be able to. All-in-all, every day feels like "what's the point of even getting out of bed today?"
– I feel unattractive. I find myself wanting another person to fulfill my needs, but I could never do that. I have never been unfaithful to him nor do I plan too. I am so fixated on him. I get a lot of male attention and I just brush it off because it means nothing to me if it isn’t coming from him. I point it all out to him as a way of saying “you see I am wanted, I am worthy, I am valuable, look other people desire me”. However, when I catch myself doing this, I feel ashamed and like I have such low self esteem. Besides, it doesn't seem to bother him that much anyways; he's told me in the past that he isn't worthy and wouldn't be surprised if I cheated on him..
-For the most part, I am very caring and nurturing of him. Sometimes I feel like a mother to him. I don’t mind supporting my partner but I want it to be mutual. I feel like I am coddling him at times. When I think of leaving, I feel like I can’t because I begin to think who is going to take care of him. He has told him he wouldn’t know what to do with himself. I left him alone for a couple of days. The house was a mess, he feed himself on junk food (real junk food like Twizzlers), wore swim trunks the whole time. I know he just needs to take care of himself and I just need to take care of me.

To sum it up (sorry for the long post), I don’t know to leave or stay. I am scared of leaving because I don’t want to make the wrong decision. I know that I have relationships issues of my own and want to make sure that I am not just running away. I also don’t want to hurt him and know that he has already gone through alot with his drug addiction and his past relationships with people. Furthermore, my past relationship was kind of like this, only he was more open, but I am afraid of making the same ill choices in the future. Sometimes I wonder if maybe I am staying because if we do connect, then it would prove that I am worthy of connection. What if I am not strong enough to make a mature decision? I don’t want to be desperate. I am almost afraid of a relationship working out too. I am scared to leave at this time because I don’t want to be alone. However, I don’t feel like I am being supported. If anything I feel terribly isolated. The lack of emotional connection and our sexual issues has made him build up a wall against discussing his feelings with me. Him being emotionally unavailable just brings a lot of old feelings to the surface. In a way this was good because it made me see where I was hurting and what needed healing. I tried to remain mature about it by evaluating myself and realizing what pain is from the past and what pain is from now. But I feel like it is enough pain and just want to connect with someone. I know the connection needs to start with connecting to myself first. What should I do?

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Comments

  • 20170422_131809 kevin_yates Flag

    There's a lot in your post so I just made comments and notes when certain things came up for me. You are free to take any of this or none of it if it doesn't help.

    no sex in 4 months
    not getting attention
    no time together
    no communication
    desire for deeper connection
    *I noticed this as a 'theme' for you which seems like your main 'language' of communication is through connection with physical connection playing an important part. However, his 'language' seems different and he may not realize that's what you want and need and respond to.

    Communication issues often play a huge part in relationships but more importantly is recognizing each other's 'language'.

    Both not getting attention we deserve and want from each other
    *is this related to both looking for him to fulfill your own wants and needs? Becoming dependent on other people to fulfill your own wants and needs is bound to end up in more frustration, anger, resentment and unhappiness as other people are bound to fail at some point. Also, he may not know what you're looking for or what you need from him in order to feel that you're getting the attention you want and need

    You mentioned trying to get him to understand how you're feeling however have you tried to understand how he's feeling? The very thing you're looking to get must be given first. Does that make sense?

    So, if you seek to be understood by him then you must first show him understanding.

    Nervousness, fidgety is a sign people can display when they're under 'threat' and when he's there his reaction will either be fight, flight or freeze (seems like he's a freezer where he doesn't know how to respond)
    *he needs safety to be able to talk - safety is created in the absence of threat
    *engage him in small talk about stuff he likes to talk about (hobbies, interests, himself, etc) - that's a great way to get someone who doesn't communicate to start opening up. The more he opens up, the more he's feeling safe and then you can start to move the conversation toward the real issues you want to discuss with him. If he shows signs of threat then just back off a bit.

    Are his wants and expectations from the relationship different from yours?
    *he may not want what you want
    *doesn't know what he wants? then how can he help give you what you want when he doesn't know what he wants? He can't give what he doesn't have himself
    *you cannot fix his issues
    *he will only change IF and WHEN he's ready and willing

    sexual intimacy issues from what happened when he was younger
    *may have nothing to do with you but with him
    *was he hurt from a past relationship? If so, he may not have gotten over that and carries it with him into your relationship (again this has nothing to do with you)
    *his past drug addiction was a coping mechanism to deal with deeper pain within him

    His distance feels like rejection
    *his distance has to do with his own issues not about anything to do with you

    Wanting sex and intimacy is a part of how we are 'wired' and there's nothing to feel shame or guilt over.
    *suppressing your desires will not make them go away but will make them become stronger because they are coming from within you. A part of you that this type of physical connection is important to. It's not good, bad, right or wrong but just a part of who you are and an important value to you.

    You are aware of your subconscious programming running the 'story' that you're unworthy of love and connection which is HUGE. And, it is ONLY a story (a.k.a. a belief). When you have awareness you have choice meaning you can choose to allow the story to run you or you can see it for what it is (a story) and choose a different belief that supports you.

    Is this relationship trying to show you your belief system so that you can overcome it by knowing that you ARE worthy of love and connection. That you DO deserve to have your wants, needs and desires fulfilled?

    Do you expect him to fulfill your needs? If so, you'll never get what you want because that can only come from you. A relationship (and the person you're in the relationship with) can add to your life's experience but it cannot GIVE you anything.

    Are you staying with him because you're worried about what might happen to him if you leave or are you staying because you're in love with him?

    Again these are just what came to me as I read your post.

    Hope some of it helps :-)

    Mon 19, Jun 2017 at 7:55pm

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