Long distance relationship & sex issues
I just came across this site while looking to see if other people have experienced the same thing I am currently going through with my boyfriend. Truth be told, I found one thread where other people were sharing their (similar) experiences, and it was good to see that I am not alone in experiencing this stuff, but it would be nice to get some input from you guys on my situation in particular.
I'm in a long-distance relationship with a guy I met 2 months ago. He lives in another country,but his company sends him over almost every month, for work. Since we met 2 months ago, he's been in the country 3 times, about 3 weeks every time. He works from 9 to 6pm, but we meet up after that almost every day, have dinner, watch a movie at home together, etc. I sleep over at his place, and leave for work with him in the morning. We have A LOT in common, have nearly the same interests, and he is very respectful. When he's not in the country, we text each other a few times during the day (there' a 5 hour time difference). He almost never calls me on Skype though, even though he's online quite often in the evenings. I always wondered why he never bothered to call me, but figured he was busy or something, so I didn't wanna bug him. He went back home for a week last week, and did not talk to me on Skype even once, except for the night before his flight back.. When he came back, I asked him how come he never calls me on Skype when he's online, he said he often has it online when downloading stuff on his computer, but has the volume turned off, so he might not hear it if I rang, because he might be away from the keyboard. I told him I don't ring him because I don't want to bug him in case he's busy, and he said, you can try calling me, it's fine... he said that usually there's not a lot to say, so he prefers not to talk for a while so we would have more to talk about when we do talk.. I told him, well, that's understandable, but it's not like I'm expecting to talk for an hour every day -- more like, 5 minutes... Anyhow, I guess I can see his point, though I am not sure if that justifies the fact that he doesn't even give me 5 minutes on the phone per day. Sometimes I have crappy days and it would help a lot to just hear his voice and ask him how his day was.
Also, before this conversation even took place, on his previous trip here, he told me that he needed a few days of the week to himself, because he needed some "space." At first I was really offended and upset, though I didn't show it in front of him. But eventually I got used to the idea, because some of my friends told me that their bfs also did that sorta "space" thing at some point. I am not entirely convinced, though.. I mean, I know we haven't been dating for a long time, so it would make more sense to spend less time with each other than people in longer term relationships would, but I really don't feel like I am a demanding person; I don't exhaust him when I'm around; we just relax and spend time together. When we're gonna watch a movie, I even let him pick the movie, becaue I am very flexible and I want him to see something that he likes, rather than get bored. I don't watch movies a lot, but I know that he likes doing that when we don't see each other, so I always suggest that we do that when I am around, so he would feel like we're doing the same stuff that he would be doing if he didn't invite me over. He would probably be watching the same thing, if we didn't meet up that day. So I really am not entirely convinced with his need for "space". I understand that when you know a lot of people and have a lot of friends, you might have other people to see/meet up with, but he is here on his own, has only been in this country for less than 2 months in total, and knows no one other than me and the people he works with (and he never socializes with them outside work).
At any rate, that does not upset me half as much as what happened last night and today: last night we were in bed, watching a movie, and once the movie was over, I tried to initiate sex. He rejected me on the grounds that he was too tired (even though he got home at 5pm and we stayed home all evening). He said, "it will be better in the morning" (something that he says often; and in the morning he usually says, "tonight.") I said ok, and turned my back to him -- maybe to show my disappointment -- and went to sleep. In the morning, he tried to initiate sex and I didn't turn him down even though I was a bit upset and not in the mood. Anyway, after like 5 minutes, he stopped and said, "it's too hot" (he says this often after stopping halfway through intercourse.... not sure what he means by it -- whether he's getting too hot/sweaty, or if it gets too hot "in there"). Anyhow, I was even more annoyed at that point. He got up, had coffee and a smoke, and after about 15 minutes, got back in bed and lied down next to me. I did my best not to show that I was upset, so I got closer to him and put my head on his chest. He then took my hand and tried to get me to touch him, which I did for a bit. Then I thought, OK, maybe he's ready for sex again... so I tried to initiate intercourse, but he said "no, no.." So I sat back down in bed, and took a sip of coffee. 15 minutes later, he did the same thing (taking my hand), and this time he said, "OK, we can do it now", but I wasn't in the mood anymore, so I just said, while still touching him, "no it's ok, maybe later." He said: "tonight?" I said: "yeah, I guess." I continued the handjob, but he pulled my hand away and said "then you gotta stop". I did, and he got up to get ready, and I got dressed as well. He then noted, twice, that I was acting a bit strange, being too quiet, etc. He hates arguments, so I was just not saying anything about what happened, because I didn't want it to end up in an argument. So I said I was feeling sleepy. 5 minutes later, he again noted that I was "quiet" and said that it was "weird." Anyway, I hugged him and kissed him, but I couldn't do more because I hate faking emotions. I think he realized I was upset, though he didn't say anything more about it. I feel really bad about what happened, though, because I feel like I'm always the one initiating sex, and he's always the one rejecting me. I feel like I'm pressuring him, and when he rejects me (which happens quite often -- about 75% of the time) I feel really bad and start wondering if I don't turn him. He's also very "lazy" and likes receiving and rarely "gives" anything in return. It's a very one-sided relationship when it comes to sex. He always hints at blowjobs, which I gladly give, but at this point I feel like I'm just giving and not getting any satisfaction in return so a few times I pretended not to get his hint that he wanted a blowjob. It's extremely frustrating to want sex and be turned down so often. Maybe I have a higher sex drive than he does. I'm 29 and he's 40. But I have yet to see a man who turns down sex, at least as often as he does. His excuses are either "I'm tired" or "it's too hot" or "in the morning" (which more often than not does not happen)...
I like him a lot, and don't want to break up with him. I have tried talking to him about some of this, to the best of my abilities, keeping in mind that I have to be extremely careful so that we don't end up arguing about it.. I am now wondering, though, whether he's using the "I hate arguing" thing as a way to stop me from talking about things he does not want to talk about... It really hinders my ability to communicate with him.
I also don't know how to interpret his disinterest in actually having sex with me, in contrast to his interest in watching porn (I have no problem with him watching porn; I even watch porn with him, and have told him it does not bother me that he looks at porn even in my absence).
I really don't know what to think of the situation and how to deal with it short of moving on to someone else. Any thoughts on how to handle some of this stuff?