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Lack of affection is ruining our relationship

User-anonymous
Posted by: Anonymous
Flag
Mon 6, Jul 2009 at 4:45pm
Categories:
Sex/Intimacy and romance

I've been with my partner for about 1 year now and although he's never been very affectionate, things got even worst when we started living together. We always had a very different libido, to the extreme that most of the times I initiate sex and I'm the one who's in the mood more often. However, now we have serious sexual problems (most of the times he's too tired or he has erection problems) that are making me think that he is not the right partner for me. He claims he loves me and when I tried leaving him, he was desperate to get me back, but I'm not happy and not only he doesn't care, he also seems to be bothered and complains that I moan at him all the time. I really don't know what to do... I think I love him but I don't know how much of this I can take... Any advice???
Thanks, B

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Comments

  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    I've had similar issues with my current boyfriend but it was me that wasn't in the mood and his libido led him to be hugely frustrated and our relatioship almosted ended. We have been together almost 10 years and the only reason I realised that there was a huge issue was through talking about it.
    I think men find it more difficult to open up about their feelings than women. I can understand about feeling really tired, but erection problems sounds like there is a deeper issue that needs resolving. Perhaps he is avoiding sex for that very reason as its causing him some embarrassment?
    Maybe you need to build up his trust and confidence in you. Do you find it easy to talk with each other? Is he happy discussing other issues in his life with you?
    What else is going on in his life? Stress? Depression? Past experiences that have caused hang ups?
    Also how are other areas of your relationship - do you spend plenty of time just for the both of you?
    Also intimacy doesn't always have to mean having sex. Perhaps you could work on being intimate without it leading to anything sexual at all so as not to pressurise him. The worst thing you can do is leap in and be confrontational about it as its likely for him to just shut down, but I can understand your frustration . Just try and reassure him that you love him and intimacy is something that you want to share and enjoy with him. Work on this until he builds up his confidence.
    Maybe when hes ready he should talk to his doctor about his erection problems as I doubt its anything to do with you. Theres lots of things that can cause a reduced libido but if he's not willing to try and work out why this is despite your encouragement then perhaps he's not for you. But don't ditch him yet, try and talk it out as it sounds like there is something deeper going on that he's not willing to address yet.
    Good luck x 
     

    Sat 8, Aug 2009 at 9:55pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Obviously this is just advice and not meant to be hurtful but maybe try taking a step back? By this I mean try not to initiate sex so often or start arguments about it, maybe try focusing on being intimate by hugging and snuggling up together without the pressure of sex. If this is a serious problem for your partner but he still loves you, he'll appreciate the breathing space and feel better for knowing you care about him too. In time this will help him deal with his sexual problems and he'll start initiating sex again. It's important not to seem to not want sex, but to let him know it's ok if he's having a problem just now and that you're there to help and support him. Good luck!

    Sat 29, Aug 2009 at 11:49am
  • User-anonymous xbeckymx Flag

    well iv had the same problem, but tbh iv recently found out my boyfriend cheated on me 6 times and he has had anothe girlfriend whilst iv been with him. he was with her for 4 months and he dumped her becuase he said he realised how much he loved me. during that 4 months we wasnt having sex at all, but obvs now i realise why and im sorry but the fact was that he had sum 1 else anmd was to tired to have it with me. he was always saying he is not in the mood or he is tired but now i know why. just keep an eye out and be carefull, maybee try looking on his phone or something cuz thats what i did and everything came out.
     
    x

    Tue 1, Sep 2009 at 7:35pm
  • User-anonymous Hayet Flag

    Im in the position as you at the moment. well to be honest, i have pretty much been going through it for a couple of years now. im 25 and my partners 26 and we have had sex twice this year. not exactly how i planned to be spending my early twenties. i think the above post has a slight point although him cheating on you is not always the case as i found out. it turned out that my boyfriend was avoiding sex because i had started talking about marriage and kids (well we have been together over 6 years!), but he is dead against them and although he has said it in the past i honestly thought that he would change his mind as he got older. even though he had been telling me that he is happy to get married and have kids,it turns out he was just telling me what i want to hear so as to not have any arguments. not sure if you are in the same situation but thought it might be another thing that you can look at in the hopes of solving everything. hopefully we can both sort out our relationships, good luck.

    Thu 3, Sep 2009 at 4:34pm
  • User-anonymous tinkerbelll Flag

    I think you have to say to him that you are looking for a full adult relationship and not as "friends" living together one
    being tired isnt good perhaps also the dsyfunction may have a repeating theme as he worries about it happening and is now maby at the point of not wanting to get himself in the position where it could occus and so its easier to avoid sex.
    I would try and take away the pressure (masturbate secretly if you are desperate) and give him lots of love and affection and maby give him another 6 months and if you then still feel the same way or think there is an underlying issue whether health related or mental then i would approach it again then xx good luck xx

    Tue 29, Sep 2009 at 3:09pm
  • User-anonymous Tanglemiss Flag

    This has really helped, reading the feedback. I am going through this and feel it is down to depression. I will take the advice of giving some space and just see how things go.
    I just hope that giving space is not the start of a habit

    Tue 8, Dec 2009 at 12:22pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    I have the same problem with my girlfriend. She seemed to enjoy making love (not sex for about the first six months. Then it started to dwindle. The excuses started. I moved in over a year ago. We have had stresses but I have never pulled away from her. I feel like I have to beg for a hug. She never starts anything. For the last two months nothing has happened. I feel I have a room mate not a mate. I will add that I am White and she is from Africa. I am 53 and she is 37. These have not been the issue. I try to talk with her but she shuts me down. I just need the showing of love and affection. There is none :-(. This is killing me because we love each other yet by what she is doing is killing things for me. Any advise (email address deleted as contrary to terms and conditions of site) would be greatly appreciated.

    Fri 4, Mar 2011 at 3:08am
  • Cc Morwenna (moderator) Flag

    Dear Anonymous
    I have deletd your email address from your comment as it is against the "rules" of the site to try to make personal contact with other site users.  Can I suggest that you put your concern on the site again as a new post, you will find this gets you a good response from the site community, sometimes comments on other posts can be overlooked by other users.  Good luck, I hope you get some good responses.

    Fri 4, Mar 2011 at 9:37am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    I'm a senior who has been living with my better half for twelve years.  The first six or seven years were great.  We went out together, did things together, held hands and sex was good.  Slowly the affection on his part diminished.  In the last six years I can't remember once when he has hugged me, kissed me, held my hand or for that matter said anything nice about me.  When the affection was withdrawn I slowly began to lose any interest in sex.  Now I am being totally blamed for our relationship falling apart.  I am willing to take part of the blame and have told him that but he feels it is entirely my fault.  I still love him and would do anything for him but at this point in time I' afraid I have reached the end of my rope. 

    Fri 4, Mar 2011 at 10:55pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    It must be frustrating for you.  May be there is something that is not being said.  Sometimes just talking might help, but in some cases a professional like a counsellor can help you explore what is going on.  My experience of counselling is very positive.

    Sat 5, Mar 2011 at 2:20pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Thank you, I have tried everything I can think of to get him to go to counselling but he refuses.  As far as he is concerned I'm the one with the problem not him.  I have seen a counsellor on my own but nothing was resolved.  I also neglected to mention that I have been called a number of things by him including a smart ass bitch and have been told to shut my f------ mouth.  At this point in time I think the only way to keep my sanity is to leave.

    Sun 6, Mar 2011 at 12:01am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    but.. what if talking just isnt an option? i've tried.. i've talked, cried, begged, screamed, ignored, got him treatment (which he messed up on purpose), made excuses, gave him affection (which i didnt get back), dressed up, dressed down.. we havent had sex in over a year, we share a bed, but thats it.. hes pretty much happy with it like that (tho he says he isnt and that he'd like us to have sex occasionally) he lies and denies stuff constantly, i think he lives in a fantasy world most of the time.. its certainly not a world where i exist.. are we past help? i have soooo much resentment towards him. he cant seem to get it into his head that to gain intimacy i need answers as to WHY??? before i can move on and forgive. oh also he had a sort of breakdown/psychosic episode last year where he thought that i was having internet sex with some guy and my best gay friend and that it was all over the internet (i wasnt)

    Wed 15, Jun 2011 at 9:37am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Dear Anonymous,
    You sound as though you're really hurting. It seems you have tried everything you can think of, and it's not making any difference in the bedroom.
    How about counselling? If he would go with you it might help to see what's going on for him - he may have a problem he finds difficult to talk about, or even know what it is. Also, I wonder if it might be worth his talking to your GP. Depression often has the effect of supressing libido - he may need time to get back to feeling more healthy and sexy after his breakdown.
    I hope it works out for you.

    Wed 15, Jun 2011 at 1:38pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    he is receiving treatment for depression, and has been on and off for years.. he says he feels no better. he also wont get a job, which is another huge problem between us. there is no conflict resolution, he avoids anger which then goes unexpressed and therefore never gets sorted. he has tried councelling, he went for one session, which as i say he messed up, ie made out there was nothing wrong.. he just seems happy to wallow in his rut. i feel so trapped and unfulfilled, and most of all not listened to. i have tried my best to be patient and supportive, but tbh its been a one way street.. i think its got to the stage where i just leave him to it. i know for a fact that he wouldnt go to couples therapy, i guess what i'm saying is that he doesnt see that there is a problem. we were only ever ok for a few short months before anyway..
    thank you so much for your answer, it makes such a change not to be ignored, and yes i am very hurt. i consider myself a good, intelligent person whos willing to learn and grow. what do you do with that if you are alone in a relationship?

    Wed 15, Jun 2011 at 3:57pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    My experience of depression is that one is in such depth of despair that there is no understanding of what is going on around.  As in your case it is the person close to the depressed person who also suffers. I really feel for you and what you are going through.  But at this time your partner needs someone close to drag him out of this hole.  In depression one feels useless and self esteem is at rock bottom.  This is why there is no motivation to do anything.  Your desire to help him is testimony how much you care for him.  It is understandable for you to want to give up, but before you make a decision please contact the following organisations which can help and support you and your partner: Mind National Helpline on 0845 766 0163 and Rethink-National advice Service on 0208974 6814.  It is only by tackling your partner's depression and improving his mental state that both of you can concentrate on your relationship.  Good luck

    Wed 15, Jun 2011 at 9:55pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    your first sentence has him in  a nutshell. i do want to help naturally. but i also want him to want to help himself, which has to come from him.
     
    thank you very much for your help and support. i will try both organizations, it cant do any harm at this stage.

    Wed 15, Jun 2011 at 10:22pm

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