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Jealousy issues with bf

User-anonymous
Posted by: Anonymous
Flag
Tue 1, Nov 2011 at 6:45pm
Categories:
Affairs and Jealousy

Ive been with my bf for almost 9 years, and although i've always been a jealous person i feel like its now getting out of hand. Just some background info... Years ago I found out he was having an inappropriate relationship with another girl from university (texting, emailing innuendos etc) although he promised that he never cheated. We got over this and that was that. However, i think maybe this hasn't helped with the way i am now...

I always check his Facebook (he doesnt know that i know his password) and ive recently seen emails to friends where he posts pictures of other girls etc, which drives me nuts, especially when he's adamant that he doesnt check out other girls!!....are all men like this and should i just accept that thats what men do?!
I get paranoid if there is good looking girl in the room that i know would be his 'type', i'm sure i catch him looking several times although he has denied this!
I am paranoid that he goes on nights out because he knows certain females will be there.
I have barely even looked at another guy in 9 years...except famous ones! so it drives me nuts to think that he has feelings towards other girls, flirts etc.
Am i going nuts?! any advice from people who have been in a similar situation would be appreciated. Thank you.

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Comments

  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hi There,

    Firstly you're not going nuts. What you're feeling is a natural insecurity caused by what happened a few years ago. I've been exactly the same with my boyfriend, not because he did anything though, but because I'd been cheated on during the 2 relationships I'd had before him. Once you've been hurt like that, it can be pretty hard convincing yourself that it won't happen again, hence, we go into overdrive trying to make sure it doesn't happen again. This usually involves the activities you've described, checking Facebook, phones, feeling insecure around other women.

    Anyway, my behaviour almost caused me to lose my boyfriend. I literally pushed him away with my insecurities and accusations. I realised that I can't tarnish the future with something that happened in the past and that I needed to appreciate what I have now.

    So, I first started dealing with my thought process and decided that when I had some paranoid thoughts, I'd distract myself. I'd read a book, watch the TV or phone a friend and before I knew it, the thoughts were gone. I also started focusing more on my life instead of his and started going to the gym more, going out with friends, doing my own thing. This helped me realise that I am my own person and while I love my boyfriend to bits, I don't need just him to enjoy my life, this stops you feeling needy and clingy, which guys hate!!

    I'm sure you can get over your insecurities. However, if you really and truly believe your boyfriend is not being honest and faithful, try and talk to him about it.

    Good luck to you xx

    Wed 2, Nov 2011 at 12:57pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    It all comes down to trust at the end of the day and if he has abused your trust in the past then it is no surprise that you are feeling this way. I have not ever been cheated on before so I am afraid I cannolt give you any personal advice, but agree with the other commenter that you should maybe go out with friends and gain an independant social life?

    Oh and in case this helps, my boyfriend looks at other girls, as do I look at other guys. We are both aware of it and actually joke with each other about it. "Oh shes hot" he'll say. "Corr yeah she is" I reply. Should have seen his face the first time I came out with that!

    Wed 2, Nov 2011 at 9:29pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hi to both of you.

    Thank you both so much for your comments and advice. It's good to know that other people may feel this way too or can at least relate to my feelings. I have been taking on board what you said and have been making more plans with friends for the coming weeks. Before, i would have turned down a lot of nights out and now after reading your advice, i've been saying yes to them all! lol.
    I definitely felt like I was pushing him further and further away and I am determined not to do this anymore. I am sure he is 100% faithful, so the rest is up to me to get over my insecurities.

    Oh and to the second reply - I wish my boyfriend and I could be this open without the insecurities! maybe one day! :)

    Thank you both again xx

    Sun 6, Nov 2011 at 10:55pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    You ask him y is he posting girls photo in others walls...........

    if he says a good answer then ok...... or else..... ask him what is wrong with you....... talk to him......

    Mon 14, Nov 2011 at 7:05am
  • User-anonymous stephy315 Flag

    I totally understand how you feel... i feel like one day this is just going to kill me. I am 20 years old and have been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years and although we don't live together we are ALWAYS together. It drives me insane sometimes because all we do is argue because of all of my issues. He makes me feel like if I am crazy and i hate it because he makes a lot of sense. I hate being in a place where there is other woman especially more than anything. I can't help but to compare my self to them and how he thinks they are hot or whatever goes on in his mind. He tells me he doesn't check out other girls that am all he needs and that I am perfect but noooo i don't and can't believe him because i seen him looking at other girls when we are together but in a way where he does not make it to obvious and all I do is wonder what he does when I am not there or when he is with a male friend. idk what to do as well.

    Tue 15, Nov 2011 at 1:36am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    I have been in the same situation.

    My husband was a big cheater when i first met him, so much so that we niknamed him dirty! I knew he liked to flirt but this was part of his personality and it never bothered me. When we got together officially, we spoke about it and i let him know that if he ever cheated on me or lied to me it would be over. He promised he never would and i believed him.

    About four weeks before our wedding i was looking for a picture on his phone that his brother has sent him when i saw a text from a girl he worked with. It sounded a bit suspicious and my curiosity got the better of me so i looked though his inbox. there were a few half conversations, nothing naughty but as though some messages were missing. so i looked in his sent messages. he is a bit of a technophobe and obviously didnt realise these were saved on the phone. there were his half of the conversations and they were definately naughty! I was mortified and confronted him straight away.He swore nothing had happened, that he was just flirting. he cried and said he now realised how stupid he had been and begged me to forgive him.

    we kind of moved past it although i let him know he would have to earn my trust again. I think i was only so lenient because it was just beofre the wedding and i felt like i had no option. We have been together for six years now, married for three and i am still completely paranoid. i check his phone and his fb all the time. I've never found anything else but in my head i still think it may be because he knows to delete things more thoroughly now.

    The truth is that once your trust has gone, you cant get it back 100%. You have to make a decision to stop winding yourself up and getting jealous in order to save the relationship or to end it.

    Sun 18, Dec 2011 at 12:53pm
  • User-anonymous smiller Flag

    Hi there,
    I found your post interesting and I was Just Curious to know if you have made any progress with yourself?

    Thu 5, Jan 2012 at 3:29pm

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