Insecurity!? Being paranoid?
I have been with my boyfriend for a couple of months now. He is a very genuine person, he makes me laugh and we have generally a good time together. I like him very very much and am prepared to do a lot for him.
There was one occasion where he let me down and we spoke about it, he was very sorry and he told me he would do anything for me and that he loves me. I think people would say, what is your problem, be happy!! The thing is, is doesn’t make me feel special that he would do anything for me, he would do anything for anyone. He is too nice and he doesn’t want to hurt anyone and can’t say no if he is asked for something. In fact, I don’t want him to do much for me, unless be there if I need someone to talk to and care about me. I also never ask him for anything, but so many other people do (money, help with repairs, even sorting out threats someone made to someone he knows who was not even a friend of him). He does everything for others who just use him and even though I don’t want him to do much for me (I don’t want to use him), I feel I am the least person he does something for, considering that he said I am the one he loves.
I know I am probably being paranoid about this, but because I am generally a very insecure person and need a lot commitment I am worried that if a girl asks him out he can’t so no. He just can’t! He would probably tell her that he is already seeing someone but many people are not worried about that. If she says, that doesn’t matter, let’s just have a drink (and then of course take it from there), can he say no then??? He told me on several occasions, when people ask him to do something for them, he doesn’t feel like but he doesn’t want to hurt them, so does them the favour. How do I know that he can so no to a girl who asks him out? He can’t hurt her feelings, right? And he probably wouldn’t tell me, because that would then hurt me!
Am I being paranoid?
Also, his family is racist. I never met anyone of them and hearing what he tells me I would be even scared as I know they would say something about my skin colour and just discriminate me on that ground. It makes me often very sad to think about it, I am not good enough for him because I am not white. I am such a loving person and would never hurt him but that’s not good enough. His family would accept a girl who probably went to prison and cheats on him and treat him badly as long as she is white. I am more educated and have a better job than his family members. I never went to prison, unlike some of his family members. His sister even took out a loan and put my boyfriend’s name on it. She couldn’t repay it and my boyfriend is now marked and not allowed any loans from banks. I would never do that! How can they judge me, how am I not good enough for him, when they are such scum bags (sorry).
I never wanted to be in a relationship if it wouldn’t go anywhere. I don’t think I have a future with him, his family won’t accept me and he won’t leave his family. That makes me feel very lonely and insecure, how am I not good enough for him? I would never hurt him and support him with all that I can, why can’t that be enough.
It makes me question, whether I should continue seeing him??
Comments
Based on what you say, it sounds as if your bf is not very assertive, which could be changed with some help, if he sees it as a problem. I think it's best done in a group situation so that the techniques used to bring about the change can be practiced and reinforced as progress is made. There are a number of books available, which you will find on Amazon, but just reading a book may not be enough. In order to become assertive people need to change the way they think about what they do, and also change the way they behave. They also need to feel comfortable with their new way of relating to people in an assertive manner. This involves learning new skills, and developing new attitudes. It doesn't mean that they become any less nice, just they become less of an "easy touch".
I don’t think you sound ‘paranoid’, rather I get the impression that you might be over thinking issues, while using a lot of pre-emptive thinking and coming to rather negative conclusions.
Do you suffer with depression?
Have you discussed how you feel about your bf with anyone?
My advice is for you to discuss your thinking about this with someone, and to take things one step at a time.
Perhaps the first step could be to discuss your concerns about your bf’s assertiveness with him, and see if he will consider doing a course.
However, your bf becoming more assertive might not mean that you feel less insecure, so I think you need to work on that alongside any effort he is making, and if you do suffer with depression, then to get some help with that.
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