Insecure
Hi all,
I have been in a relationship with my partner for 3 years and 4 months now. My partner has two children, they are 5 and 11. I have been in the children's lives since they were just 2 and 8.
My relationship with the children is great, I love them as if they are my own and although we only see them both at the weekend, I would love to have them stay at ours every night.
The concerns I have are with my partner and perhaps if the children were not involved then I would have walked away years ago.
My family and friends live over 200miles away, which means that I often feel lonely and as though there is no one close by to talk to.
When I met my partner he was in £28,000 worth of debt and had two failed relationships, a failed marriage and two children with two different mothers.
I was only 20 when I went into the relationship with him and naively thought I could take on everything.
We both have good jobs and I contribute to the child maintenance and the debt, in fact due to the debt I don't really see my wages at all.
The main issue is the divorce that my partner is going through, him and his ex have been separated for over 4 years now and she keeps threatening to stop us from seeing her child (currently 5) she has done this once before and stopped us from seeing my partners child for 6 months.
Every time he raises the issue she threatens that she will not let him see his child. She has moved on and is with a new partner, but it is almost like, well I haven't got him...but I don't want anyone else to have him.
She constantly causes problems between myself and my partner and I have said to him that he needs to proceed with the divorce as the longer he leaves it the worse it will be.
Every time I say that to him he raises his voice and makes me feel bad for asking.
I don't want to grow to resent him or the children as the kids are the victim's in all of this.
I understand that he is scared and he keeps on saying that he has to brace himself, but he filed for the divorce 3 years 10 months ago...6 months before he was with me.
So it was his decision in the first place. His ex has no debt and always has nice new clothes, doesn't work and we both work full times, I have even taken on additional hours at work so that we can provide for the kids.
Nothing we ever do is right by her, and sometimes I feel as though my partner considers her more than me, as I say please sort the divorce out and he says "you know she will kick off".
I can't go on like this, I also want children with my partner, but know that it is not the right thing at the moment. With all the stress as well, it is just going to cause more problems.
I feel as though I am being held back and I don't know what to do....please help.
I feel insecure because I think that my partner is only with me because I put up with everything, I earn more than him, cook, clean, wash, iron, do the shopping, help with the kids, pay the debt and child maintenance and everything, so feel as though he is only with me because of that and that he doesn't really love me, if he loved me then he would have sorted the divorce by now, it has gone on long enough.
Please help.
Thank you
Comments
If your partner's ex is using the contact with the children as a lever to manipulate him, I wonder why he hasn't applied to the Family Court for a Contact Order?
It sounds as if there is a clearly defined and well-established pattern of contact in place, and I would have thought he would have made such an application to the Family Court as soon as she stopped the contact previously; presumably not?
He doesn't need to be represented by a solicitor, and he can make the application himself. It may also be possible for him to have a lay adviser, known as a McKenzie friend to help him through the Court process.
The legal rights are with the children, i.e. they have a right to a family life, which includes regular contact with both parents, even if they are not living together, and whether divorced, or not. The relevant law is: The Children Act, and Court of Human Rights legislation.
If he can’t afford a solicitor, then the best place to get advice, guidance and support is here:-
http://www.fnf.org.uk/
They do have a membership fee, but it’s around the cost of ten minutes of a solicitor’s time, and he will have access to everything he needs to know about making an application to the Family Court. He might also be able to make contact with a McKenzie friend through fnf.
Another way of approaching the problem is to draw up an agreed Parenting Plan within a mediation session. This can be done through some solicitors, or some branches of Relate offer such a service. Depending on his disposable income, there may be a charge for such a service, but the CAB will give further advice on that.
http://www.relate.org.uk/life-channel-divorcing/index.html
http://www.adviceguide.org.uk/index/search.htm?pr=adviceguide_index&query=mediation&Search.x=0&Search.y=0
Has he checked out all of his options re his debts?
The best place to do that is through a debt adviser at the CAB.
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