In limbo & can't decide what to do
My husband of 13 years (& 20 year relationship) finally admitted to having had an affair with a co worker for almost 4 years, last October. This announcement came after I had been subjected to almost 4 years of suspecting his affair & his constant denials/lies/manipulation/coldness/sexless marriage. I stayed because we have a 12 year old Son together (who has not yet been told about our problems because Husband won't let me), a beautiful home close to loving/supportive family & because my Husband's subtle abusive & manipulative treatment towards me badly affected my self esteem/confidence & without a full time job I was terrified to leave. I also lived in hope that I would come to terms with the situation & feel better about my Husband, but I never did.
It was a shock to receive this crushing news but also a relief that I was not going insane & that my suspicions had been correct all along.My Husband only told me this news because the OW was pregnant & was obviously in a very sticky situation! I was absolutely horrified about this. She has since miscarried & my Husband says he has finished with her & loves me ! (I saw text messages a while back which rather confirmed that they were still in loving contact & my Husband was even using a decoy mobile to lead me off the scent!) I just can't trust anything he tells me & each time we try to talk he is minimising the length & severity of the affair! My problem is that despite reading loads of books/having relationship counselling/talking to lots of friends & family, I still seem unable to make a firm decision whether to return to the marital home & see if we can live together as a family again or whether to file for divorce.
The fear of having to tell our Son about us splitting up & then dealing with the fallout of that plus all the hell of divorce is freezing me in to inaction. I keep reading stuff that says I should give my marriage 'one more chance' as my Husband says he is sorry/loves me & wants us to be together but I am so livid about the affair & feel like I don't want to try and yet something is stopping me from ending it also. Questions: Is it normal to feel like this when you know your marriage is over or the fact that I'm questioning what to do - does this mean I should stay? Should you stay with someone no matter how much you love them if they have lied/deceived so profusely for so long even when there was almost concrete proof that they had strayed? Have I put up with enough? Have I tried all I can & will I regret leaving?