I don't love him, I love his child
My boyfriend and I started dating in Febuary of this year. I really liked him and thought I had hit the jackpot on this one. I had only been single for 6 days from a previous 3 year long relationship. I was not at all expecting this to happen so soon. Everything about him was so likeable. He was constanly showering me with gifts and money and never expected anything in return. In April, we decided to move in together, only after 2 months of dating. I knew it was a little to fast, but I really liked him at the time and we were getting along wonderfully.
Now 6 months later, I no longer feel the same way. That "fire" really burned out quick for me and I find myself trying to force falling in love. I want to love a man like him, he's that guy that every girl wants. He still acts the same way he did when we first met. Always gifts, telling me I am beautiful, and doing everything & anything for me. But, I am not happy with him at all. I can't figure out why I can't be happy. He's not doing anything wrong. I pull away when he hugs me, I roll over when he tries to cuddle, I can't bring myself to kiss him longer than a second. I want to leave.
The reason it is so hard for me to leave is because he has a 4 year old son that also lives with me. I quit my job over the summer to get to know his son and spend time with him. Obviously, we grew very close. I take care of him 24/7 while my boyfriend works 14-15 hours a day. I am only 19, and being a parent to a child is very new to me. I love him tons and I think of him as my own child, and it will kill me to leave him. (His real mother litterally left him on a doorstep) I'm not only leaving my boyfriend, but also a child. I think of him being confused and hurt. I have been like a mother to him since day one. When he gets hurt or scared, he runs to me for comfort. He wants to me to tuck him in bed.
So, how can I do this? I need to put myself first, and concentrate on making myself happy. But, I can't help but feel guilty about it. I need answers.