Welcome!
Use the menu on the left to navigate the site, you might find some interesting advice in the Relationship Forum
Or why not explore the the Relationship advice section
How much is too much...
My girlfriend of 1 year and 9 months wants me to destroy everything that has to do with my one and only ex whom I spent 4 years with, in a relationship. We broke up because we knew there was no future for us together. I moved to another country and that was the end of it. We still maintained contact and I met my current girlfriend. I made the terrible mistake of telling my ex-girlfriend that I missed her 6 months into my relationship with my current girlfriend. I was confused and I didn't even know if I was gonna be able to stay in the country. My girlfriend found out about my feelings when she went into my Facebook messages and saw the conversation I had with my ex. I accept I made a terrible mistake and I assumed all the consequences. I was keeping this very important feelings from her and being very very selfish and I learnt my lesson. If I was going to loose my girlfriend because of that, I would have assumed the loss, I knew I deserved it and I knew my girlfriend deserved so much better than a confused little person that didn't know what to want. I know I made a very bad mistake and hurt her. Fortunately we fought through it and she gave me another chance, I cut every communication with my ex as I knew I needed to move on and gave 100% of me to my girlfriend. Time passed and my ex-girlfriend (even when I told her I needed space) kept contacting me. Everytime she contacted me for whatever reason (most of the time just to say hi) I talked to my girlfriend about it, learning from my mistake and trying to be completely honest. But every time this happened I got into an argument with my girlfriend and it always went back to the "Facebook messages incident". So one time I was contacted by my ex I didn't tell my girlfriend. That specific time my ex asked me if I was going to go back home for the holidays (back to my country) and that she wanted to see me. Indeed I was going to go back home for the holidays but of course I told her that wasn't a very good idea as I was trying to respect my girlfriend and that would most certainly hurt her. I didn't tell my girlfriend about this conversation as I was trying to avoid an argument, I wanted to be in peace and just love her. Few weeks later I realized I couldn't keep it from her so I told her, and as expected we got into a HUGE argument, almost ending our relationship. I realized that it was a mistake to keep it from her because keeping out the truth is almost as bad as lying. I learnt from it and we fought through it, promising to myself that even if we get into an argument honesty WILL always be the better choice. Time passed and my ex didn't try to contact me for a while. Then after a few months I got a phone call from my ex. She just wanted to say hi, but I made it very clear that I didn't want to talk to her ever again (as it always brought arguments with my girlfriend). Till this day I still feel very guilty about that phone call, as I was very very rude and probably my words hurt her, but I made the decision to respect my girlfriend. I told my girlfriend about it, she got mad, not at me but at the whole ex situation and the whole she won't leave you alone, and of course we got into an argument. By this time I decided to erase everything that had to do with my ex and block her from contacting me. I erased all her pictures from my computer, all her emails (even the ones when we were together), everything visual I erased. the only two things I didn't get rid of was a tattoo I have and my diaries, for one very special reason: My tattoo and my diaries are not about my ex but about me, my tattoo is about growing and discovering myself (this tattoo has a hidden initial of my ex's name unfortunately) but it represents a phase of my life, IT DOES NOT REPRESENT HER. And my diaries I didn't destroy because my diaries have a lot more stuff and not just my ex. Few months have passed and fortunately I haven't heard from her, but every few weeks my girlfriend asks me if she has contacted me, and of course I say NO. Today we got into an argument again! about my ex…I haven't heard from her I haven't contacted her. We were listening to a radio show and they were talking about tattoos…my girlfriend now wants my tattoo GONE! she wants me to laser remove it because she says it reminds her of the "Facebook message incident", and she wants EVERYTHING that has to do with her destroyed. I don't know how much longer I can feel guilty about it, I've tried everything and I have done everything that she has asked me to do…I want to make her happy, but today I am soooooo afraid of even thinking about my ex. How do I destroy her from my memory???????? Is going through a laser removal too extreme???…..This hurts in every level. Someone please help, any outside point of view would be very much appreciated.
Comments
I understand where your girlfriend is coming from. My boyfriends ex still tries to contact him and he tells me all about it, but we don't get into arguments. Coming from the girlfriends perspective, it hurts to know that the woman you once had feelings for is talking to you. There's a fear that talking to her would remind you of the good times you had with her and that you would miss her. I read a text message on my bf's phone and she said she missed him and wanted to see him for lunch. I asked for him not to see her because it would hurt me so much. No matter how much assurance you can give your girlfriend she will never feel peace until everything about your ex is gone. My bf's ex has a tattoo that she got with him, and i really wish she could get it removed because when she sees it, she probably subconsciously thinks of him. I know you say that the tattoo doesn't represent her, but your going to always have thoughts of her in the back of your mind. Getting the tattoo removed might be extreme, but maybe you should look into adding on to the tattoo so that her initials aren't so noticeable. I'm not sure if your girlfriend would think of that as a good compromise but its worth a shot.
she probably feels very confused herself. she lost trust for you and is now paranoid. it is even harder for her because the problem keeps proceeding every time the ex contacts you...also you kept it from her again even tho it was for only a short time.
although all that is more than enough reason to feel uncomfortable with you, it is still wrong of her to want you to get rid of tattoo and diaries.
is there an option of going back to your ex?
reassure your gf that if you wanted to be with the ex you would be there and not trying to make it work with her.
tell her you love her and you really want to earn her trust back. give her access to your facebook, tell her that if the ex trys to call you will ignore the call and contact the ex immediately.
tell her that you learned from lying and that you understand that the relationship will not work if you lie.
but the diaries and tattoo stem further a trust issue. she wants them gone because she is angry with the situation and never wants to think about it again.
do you still use a diary? tell her youyou are too busy making new memoriesthe with her to think about the past.
also, if she made the decision to forgive you then it was wrong of her to keep making you feel bad.
let me tell you from experience tho, after so many lies, even if she wants to give you another chance her logic wont let her. if you care about her you will do anything you can to make it work, so will she.
please comment on my post if u can !
its called , should i break up with him
I agree with the above poster - you need to reassure your girlfriend how much you love her as she is becoming paranoid - but it is asking too much of you to get rid of your tattoo and diaries.