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Honeymoon is over already!
Dear Forum,
I could really benefit from some advice. I feel I am going around and around not reaching any real conclusions.
My husband and I married this April, and even though we had the perfect wedding I didn't expect to feel so jaded already. It feels the stuffing has been knocked out of our recently married euphoria, and I feel we have both landed back down to earth.
History; we met online 4 years ago, we quickly fell in love and our relationship shot forward to living together after being together for 5 months. I was 30 he was 27. Neither of us had achieved a happy long term relationship that had been positive as such. So after years of always not quite getting what we wanted, we both talked about how lucky we were to find each other. We've both said that we feel we are soul mates.
Skip to present day, over 4 years later we are married with a 18month old daughter who we both adore. Unfortunately life has given us a few bumps along the way, I quit a very stressful job to start my own business, whilst being a stay at home mum. We managed to navigate having no sleep, babycare, and getting married, my career change. But then my parents decided to separate, and my dad moved nearer to us to ensure I could help him find a place to live. The problems started when the stress of being the only child propping up two very emotionally needy unhappy parents and trying to keep normal life going took it's tole.
I have lost a lot of weight and found myself in the middle of my parents marriage problems. Consequently our relationship as newly weds was put on a back foot. My husband works hard, and has been supporting me and the baby whilst I build up my business
My problem is I feel we should be happier as a newly married couple, my parents have decided to reconcile, and we have some time to us again. However I think we have both neglected our relationship, we relate to each other as parents.
Our sexlife is really non existent and not fulfilling for me. I've told my hubby how I feel but I think he thinks I over worry or psychoanylise our issues.
Our issues:
When we decided to commit to each other we nearly split up because I was unsure about starting a family. My partner always wanted to recreate his happy childhood where I wanted to forget mine!
In the end I decided that we would try for a baby, and took a period of counselling prior to this to help me untangle my feelings regarding my childhood and moving forward in my adult life.
However, I still have quietly feelings that I had my daughter who I adore to appease the impasse in my relationship before we got married. I had a lot of fear about being a neglectful mum, repeating some of the not so ideal aspects of my childhood. However therapy really helped.
Now my girl is here in my life she is my world, and I love being her mummy. I feel as though I have been given the perfect daughter I always wanted.
During the point when my folks separated and I was starting to feel depressed and anxious due to the amount of pressure my dad was putting on me to support him practically and emotionally...my hubby decided it would be a great idea to talk about having another child!! Irrespective of our financial difficulties on mainly his wage, whilst I set up my business.
Because the decision to have a child was a massive decision for me, I am now worried my hubby will put pressure on me to have another child when I feel happy as we are. I love our family of three, it's manageable I fear I will be massively overwhelmed looking after two kids and the increasing needs of my elderly parents.
I feel our sexlife and communication has suffered as I haven't felt heard by my hubby
when I have talked to him and told him how I feel.
For example I said let's reassess the situation in a year from now. He took it as we could try for a baby then.
My mind veers from panic I don't want another child ever, to maybe. Either way our relationship feels on shaky ground.
Shouldn't we be happier this early into our marriage. I worry this is the sign we will end up getting divorced.
Any thoughts welcome
Comments
Wow, you have been through an awful lot in these last few years....and at a time when you could have done with the support of your parents. ..they were looking for support from you...no wonder you feel you are going round and round. In circles. It is easy to lose touch with your husband when a new baby arrives anyway...even without all the other stuff you have had to deal with. It sounds to me that now that you have some time again you and your husband have the opportunity to learn more about yourselves and each other. You can do that by looking at the really good material on this site...start with the relationship insights videos...they are very short and I find therm very helpful in understanding what is going on in my relationship. If you are up for it a relationship counsellor can help you listen to each other in a way that deepens your relationship, as you get to know your vulnerabilities and how you can help eavch other. I hope this helps.