Her obsession with a man who doesn't love her is keeping US from loving each other
This is a bit long (sorry!). But believe me, I've left a LOT out to keep it shorter!
I met a lovely lady last summer. We got on very well... you can probably guess the rest!
We were “going steady” for about 2.5 months, and were very much in love. Everything was wonderful. Except one thing – she wouldn’t "give herself to me" entirely – sex, whilst we were very well matched in that I knew *just* what to do to her, was a very one-way thing. Making love was right out.
In February this year she finally told me why – she had been seeing another bloke for 2.5 years! She couldn’t bring herself to make love with me because of her guilt for this bloke. Being polyamorous, I didn’t immediately blow up – I understand the need of many people to love and be loved by more than one person. But I asked her right then (this was in online chat) if she loved him – "yes".. and if he loved her – "I think so..."
And she said that whilst she felt romantic Love for him, she really wasn’t so sure about him. And no, he didn’t know about me – "If S ever finds out about us, he’ll be terribly hurt and will rightly dump me, and that would destroy me!"
Knowing that his guy – whose love for her was in question – was not only receiving what she termed "the ultimate gift of a woman" AND was the reason I wasn’t, was very, very frustrating.
Nevertheless, we Loved each other very much. Indeed, in my 28 years of dating women (about a dozen in all), I have never known a woman who loved me as much as I have loved her – and I am a very affectionate, romantic fella! There was no way I was leaving her!
I managed to grit my teeth and bear it for a further 7 months, but then the last piece of armour around my heart fell and I ended up sobbing on her shoulder, pleading with her to "please stop hurting me"
I could no longer bear the thought of them together, and pleaded with her to only do with him what she could do with me.
After that, she seemed to withdraw a little. And then in late August announced that we should only be "best friends". Except that didn’t really work, as we were both very much in love and couldn’t resist each other ;)
She STILL said, many times, that I loved her far more than he did. And yet she was choosing him - a man who NEVER demonstrated his affection and that she ADMITTED didn’t Love her as much as I did – over me. WHY?!?!?!?!?
Soon after this, an opportunity arose for me to talk to S. I asked him about the nature of their relationship: "star-crossed lovers?" To which he said "oh, no, nothing like that!" I told him how much she adored him, and he spoke these VERY important words: "Yes, I know. I’ve been wanting to cool things down actually."
The following day, not quite believing what I'd heard, I asked him by text for clarification, by asking 1) if he truly loved her and 2) would he object if I got closer to her?
His reply: "1. I’m not in love and she knows it. 2. Get as close as you like, not my business."
I told her; she said she'd confront him about it. She came to see me the day after and said he'd denied all.
My heart broke. I wailed and I sobbed. This was SO unfair. And he was telling us two different stories.
I lost my cool and texted him, telling him we’d been in love for 9 months and that guilt over him was the only reason she wouldn’t sleep with me. No reply until later that night, when he texted both of us with “I’m sick of this nonsense, sort yourselves out!”
He said he was going to take "time out" (originaly intending for us to "do whatever you want with each other and she can choose which one of us she wants after", but at that piont he didn't realise that she'd already "chosen" him).
She became quiite distraught at the prospect of losing him, and made it quite plain that she needed to be with him to be happy even at the cost of our relationship. Nevertheless, we still Loved each other, hugged, kissed, cuddled… everything but sex, in fact. And sometimes that slipped ;) She said once in a very memorable text: “I Love you, I find you incredibly physically attractive, I want you, but I can’t have you.”
So I had to try to be content with her friendship – it was better than nothing - and as the only way to make her happy again was to get her back with S, did all I could to help, even though it broke my heart to do so.
Then it all got nasty. She lied to him, she lied to me about not lying to him, everyone got hurt. He ended up asking me what had gone on – I told the truth, all of it. And she finally confessed to him. After that, she was back to being the G that I Loved, and was once more affectionate with me, hugging me very tightly and telling me that whilst S was her 100%, I was her 99.999%.
So then he took his “time out” for “a week or two”, and would decide after that if he’d take her back. She, full of fear and apprehension (“I can’t imagine my life without him!”), went off to her villa in Spain for a week. Meanwhile, I had heard from an angry S, who sounded like he was definitely going to dump her and we’d find out on the Monday after she came back. Despite having promised her I’d tell her if I heard from him, I didn’t tell her this – she would have just got more and more anxious as the day approached. I really do CARE for her.
I wrote to him – 2 pages of A4 – pleading with him to be lenient, not to blame her for everything, how she just needed more love (quoted her: “R loves me, S loves me, I just needed more and you gave it”) and how she’d be so badly heartbroken if he left her. And how I was content with being her friend so long as he didn’t mind that – I promised I’d tell him if she tried anything more!
His reply came as a text: he said he’d been feeling “uneasy” about her for a while and so what he said that first time we talked was true. So it seemed he really DIDN’T love her that much, he WAS wanting to cool things down!!!
She came back on the Friday night, after midnight. I surprised her by meeting her at the airport and she gave me the longest, tightest hug she'd ever given me. And she took my hand as we walked, and kissed me on the lips as we parted. Yep, she Loves me still :)
The following day, S texted her telling her he’d see her with his decision on Monday... So despite my best intentions, she had 48 hours of hell, waiting, after all. Nicely done, S.
I texted her late on Sunday evening to say “tomorrow one of hearts will break for the very last time in this sorry affair. I suspect it’ll be mine, but at least you’ll be happy”. She replied “Oh, sweetie, I don’t want my happiness to be at the expense of yours!” She didn’t realise?!?!?
Still, she did say that if he took her back, we’d still be close friends. I was content with that. And yes, I hoped that it’d fizzle out anyway, and that would leave her to me.
Monday came. He said yes.
Tuesday came, he texted me to say that SHE had to decide which of us would be out of her life completely – “don’t think u2 can do just friends”. This, I have since confirmed, was her decision, despite what she said to me 2 days before.
S texted me the day after saying it was actually very close – “head said dump, heart said keep, still not sure I got it right!” I broke. To think my last hope of friendship with a woman I Love SO MUCH had been severed because of something that he’s THAT UNCERTAIN about!!!
I wrote him an 8-page letter full of stuff about just HOW close we two were, that I hadn't been able to say before for fear of influencing him away from her. He telephoned me after this, and it was most revealing...
* He reiterated something he’d said earlier - that he would have willingly “stepped aside” had he known there was something going on between us before. Yes, he would have been “sad because I love her too” (not, I noted, utterly *&@# heartbroken as I was) but he’d had 3 good years etc.
* He said that before this had all gone pear-shaped, she had started to demand more from him than he could give – “I can only give so much, and she wanted more.”
* He said that initially he was fighting my corner – he could see that we were in love and, as previously said, wanted to cool things down. This was an ideal way out.
* And he said that the ONLY reason that he took her back was to make her happy – like me, his aim was to make her happy, and she had obviously chosen him despite it making no sense to
either of us, so that was the only way to do it.
* She had NEVER CONFRONTED HIM about his "cooling off" comment - she lied to me about that. But then... I guess she didn't want to hear him say it, so made up her own "fantasy version" which went the way she wanted it to. Oh dear....
* He finished with "bide your time – I’m getting old (he's 60, 13 years her senior!) and won’t feel like doing this much longer anyway!"
So here I am, nearly 3 weeks later. Utterly heartbroken. Waking at 3am every night, thinking of her. Getting anxiety attacks 2/3 times a day. And it seems the only person that wants her to be with him, is her. Both he and I think she should be with me!
And I absolutely cannot stop wondering why ON EARTH she was/is so completely fixated on this older man, who very, VERY clearly doesn’t love her, to the point that she rejected a very Loving relationship with me for the sake of him. It just doesn’t make sense.
Can anyone (especially women) explain to me why this is???
Could it be related to her father having left home when she was a kid? That worries me – it's scary psychological stuff.
And what worries me more is that she has no-one she can talk to about this if (when!) it all goes wrong, as her affair with S, as well as me, is secret – whilst I'm sure he suspects, her husband (oh, yes - I briefly alluded to him as "R" earlier ;)) has chosen to turn a blind eye to her affair(s).
I want my friend back. I have a primal urge to love, care for and protect her, and it hurts SO MUCH to be prevented from doing this by her own mindless obsession with him, and his soft-heartedness in stringing her along in a relationship that his heart just isn't in.
So my questions are:
WHY did she reject the certain Love of a man for the very doubtful love of another, who was back-tracking anyway? Why is she so... obsessed with him?
Should I worry about this obsession?
What the heck can I do???