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help - we just cant talk without arguing

User-anonymous
Posted by: samy
Flag
Wed 24, Sep 2008 at 1:12pm
Categories:
Getting on Better with my Partner

My fella and I have been together for 8 years and have children together. Over the past 4 years we have be gradually been drifting apart with issues from work , neighbours from hell and me not sleeping.

I have tried to talk to him, he just balls up into a hedgehog and blames me.
We never do anything together not even talk and over the summer I decided for us to separate - the kids are inthe middle watching us argue and its killing me.

He is moving out on Friday and Im the one crying, distraught and sad. He on the other hand is cold, angry and uncommunicative as usual

What has happened, I have been so open, honest and trying to keep a handle on this. What more could I have done and have I done the right thing.
I am sad for him but why hasnt he made any effort! I need help.

  This was of help to 100% of people  

Comments

  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    I was just wondering what you have tired doing to save your relationship?
     
    Have you tried counselling or going to mediation?  I dont  know if it would help but it seems a shame to give up without trying everything first.

    Wed 24, Sep 2008 at 3:37pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hi Sammy - sounds as if you both need some help!
    I think counselling would be really beneficial for both of you, assuming you are both up for it.  Us guys sometimes find it difficult to engage in the process initially but generally find we can work through things if we are given a structured approach - we like that.
    You've obviously already identintified some external factors that have affected your relationship.  You've wanted to process by talking - he's gone into his shell.  This is extremely common for the way the sexes try and handle things.  So the first thing to recognise is that this is quite "normal".  Thousands of couples experience this on a daily basis!
    The question you both need to ask yourselves is this - do we want our relationship to work?  Forget about this issues for the moment and go back to basics.  If there is a flicker of hope in the embers then pursue counselling.  Try Marriage Care or Relate.
    Finally, remember just because your guy is presenting as "cold, angry and uncommunitative" doesn't mean to say that he is not "crying, distraught and sad" inside.  I went through a similar patch with my wife a couple of years back after 20 years of marriage and it turned out I was depressed and needed medication for a while to get things back in balance.  I must have been hell to live with but we managed to work it through together with the help of medication, friends, family and counselling.
    All relationships go through rocky patches.
    Good luck,
    Chris

    Thu 25, Sep 2008 at 10:52am
  • User-anonymous anon Flag

    Hi Samy,
    Not sure if i actually have any advice for you but I just wanted to let you know you are not alone.
    My partner does this all the time!!! It is so frustrating, not to mention heartbreaking at the thought that he does not care about you or the fact that your relationship is ending. Which I do have to agree with chris that it sounds like he has just gone into his shell and at the moment doesnt want to come out!!
    I myself too have tried being very open and honest about my feelings but sometimes all that has done is push him further into his shell. I would definately see if you can try some form of counselling so that you can try and find a way of being able to communicate with eachother on a level that you are both comfortable with.
    From what you have said about him being cold and angry suggests to me that he is most probably hurting as much as you are inside and just doesnt quite no how to deal with it all.
    I firmly believe that if the two of you love eachother then there has to be a way of making it work!!!
     
    Keep positive
     

    Tue 7, Oct 2008 at 4:21pm
  • User-anonymous Angela (moderator) Flag

    Dear Samy
    This is really hard for all of you - you, your partner and the children.  It sounds as though you are both stuggling separately with the difficulties that are affecting you both and that you have both got in to the pattern of not being able to talk and listen to each other.  I guess that finding the time and having the energy to talk and listen to each other has also been difficult.
    You say that your partner is moving out because you felt that you needed to separate and yet I am not sure that living separately is what you really want.  Perhaps you could think of this as a temporary move - a change that gives you both the opportunity for some space, away from the pressured atmosphere of living together with difficultes.  If you wanted to you could both use the space to think about how you would like your relationship to be different.  In the Work It Out section of this site there is an opportunity for you to work through some of the exercises e.g. What's your conflict style.  Your partner could do the same in his private space if he wanted.  And then there is also a couple space where you can 'communicate' with each other if that suited you both.  Recognising the different conflict styles that you both have might help you to undestand how it is for the other so that you can then make some changes.
    Conflict in a relationship is quite normal.  When a couple find the right ways for them to manage the differences and the conflict, the relationship can be richer. Additionally, the children can learn from an early age that differences can be talked about and resolved in some way.
    I do hope that together you can work it out Samy.

    Fri 10, Oct 2008 at 6:15pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    It's so great to hear that other people have the same problems!  However unfortunat that is.  I am going to have a look at the "conflict resolution" stuff that has been suggested.
    My husband and I fight around my daughter and I just cannot control that.  I am sure that it is my fault aswell because I just can't force myself to shutup!  I also have a problem with memory because I had a head injury 4 years ago, so I say things often at the time because I am scared I will forget.  I think I must find another way os dealing with that!
    The disagreements about my daughter and the fact that Jason has to help alot because sometimes I am just not up to it also contribute to the conflict,
    I am rather desperate to sort this out!  I am sure that living seperately is not the right way to do it, but with kids, maybe it is rather good.  I don't, unfortumately have the answers!
    Kathy (South Africa)

    Wed 15, Oct 2008 at 3:58pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    often the feeling that i have tried every thing is actially an illussion.
    we try one thing repeatedly n believe that we have tried all, because of the number of repeats
    often the thing being repeated is exactly what shud be avoided.
    we need to step out of it and treat it like somebody elses problem to do any justice to the situaton
    ...so try advising a friend with a problem n see what you come up with.

    Mon 27, Oct 2008 at 5:55am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hi samy here again. he has moved out and we are still arguing, by phone and email now. Silly but I am still in hope that he realises that me and the girls are the best thing in his life and not his plasma tv screen or laptop.

    Councelling fell on deaf ears, apparently I am the one that needs help - he says that not me. Need to let go and move on but it is hard.

    Mon 10, Nov 2008 at 8:02pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    i am sorry to hear that you are getting nowhere i am in a similar situation baring my soul but getting nothing back but anger or indifference its both heartbreaking and frustrating. i tried to push for the counselling too with much the same results as you. it is very hard to know what to do next as you end up torn between doing what you think you should (i.e in my case move on i think) or trying to battle away to salvage anything at all because there are children involved (i also have 2 young children) i wish you strength through out all this and hope for all of your sakes that some solution can be reached sooner rather than later. my thoughts are with you!

    Mon 10, Nov 2008 at 8:55pm
  • User-anonymous molly Flag

    Hi Sammy I'm in a similar situation myself and I understand exactly how utterly frustrating it is! If I raise an issue with my man he sees it as my problem with him and feels hurt and angry and blames me for all of it.
    All I can say is if he's communicating by phone and email it is because he is still trying to sort things out. To some men going to councilling or seeking help is admitting they are a failure. That they have failed us.
    The frustration is how to get past that. Do you know any other couples who've been helped by counciling that he could talk to? It might help him to know that it's a positive thing rather than an admission of failure.
    Good luck :-)

    Fri 14, Nov 2008 at 11:08am
  • User-anonymous Fuddle Flag

    Hi Sammy. I'm a newbie to this site .. my partner and I have had some serious issues but we have managed to learn to communicate to each other alot better.  we both sat down with each and listened to what we both wanted without trying to interupt each other midway (that was difficult for both of us!). we both realised our love for each other and how much we wanted this relationship to work - once you establish this you can start to make certain changes. i had my first session with relate a few weeks back and i think this will help us both. in addition to this i have 3 step boys, aged 9, 6 and 4 and an ex wife to deal with along with a job, so i am sure there will be plenty of other issues that will arise but i will deal with it as and when. one thing that i do feel is that you do need to have that quality time together - can someone babysit the children in the evenings so you can do something you both enjoy or even go away on a weekend somewhere just the 2 of you?  if there is a problem he has to admit and want to seek help, all you can do is be there for him and support him - its take alot of strength for a woman to do this - you have to think positive and not on what if this happens etc (yes, difficult i know) but dont focus on the negatives.  hope my advice is of some use and good luck.

    Thu 20, Nov 2008 at 8:11pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    hi
    Ive also just seperated after 9 years with my partner and we have argued since the day our daughter was born 4 years ago we agree on nothing, he listens to nothing i say or takes my views seriously its his way or no way. two years ago he tried to leave and I begged him to stay and try again because i still loved him and for our daughter however he walked out in August this year and this time I didnt beg him to stay, why? well if you can walk out on your partner and child just like that then he obviously doesnt want to be here. And Its even harder for me now as our daughter is older and understands more and i now feel i have wasted the last two years of my life trying to keep us together. After reading your story and reading the replys i feel quite annoyed why should us women just keep trying and trying what happens to the men in these relationships shouldnt they be trying. Although i can tell you they wont because of their pride. I thought of counselling he's not interested and then I thought of going on my own to see if it would help me understand myself and the situation and was it something that i was doing wrong. I sat a thought about it and you know Its not me that needs the counselling I've done my best to make him understand how i feel and im always the one that keeps level headed and keeps us together and usually I just back down so the enevitable doesnt happen. but I just carnt keep doing it. men are the weaker sex and cannot deal with their own issues. while women have to do everything, I wont list everything as you already know how much us women do and all men have to do is go to work.   I know I dont wanna spend my life just trying constanly to make things work and more than likely at the end of the day not getting anything back in return. what happens if you keep trying and trying and it all happens again in another few years, you may regret not letting him go in the first place and how you've wasted your time. And lets face it if he hasnt said he wants you back and he's not willing to try and sort things out then i'd say it was over. you've got to make the most of life, dont live it by struggling on. I am still sad months on, that me and my partner have seperated and i know it will be a long recovery. It will take time to live your own life again, but you will, and you'll be a stronger person for it and your children will be happy, if your happy.

    Sat 20, Dec 2008 at 10:58pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Your comment has really helped me. We have been married for 10years, 3kids. I can't think of a time when he has never had issues. I am the level headed one. Picking him up, keeping us going,struggling.
    I loved him though. But I have had 10years of this and i think i have had enough, my shoulders are not that big and i am fed up of making things work. Now he says he is unhappy because i have changed! perhaps I am showing i am fed up without realising. The difference is he doesn't say he is going, he asks me if I want him to leave, very clever! But this time he could get a shock I realise i am nearly 40 and i want someone i can lean on. i just don't know if i have the guts. Thanks for your comments

    Sun 28, Dec 2008 at 9:29pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    I just want to express my support for the last two people who have commented.  It is so hard to be the one taking all the responsibility for making a relationship work.  There comes a point where, after the other person has yet again missed every opportunity to step up to the mark, you have to say I deserve better than this.
    I'd just like to say that counselling can still sometimes be a help.  It's not necessarily about 'where am I going wrong, what can I do better'.  It can be about 'I think I know what I need to do, but I find it really hard to maintain the determination to do it, in face of all the manipulation and emotional bullying'.  Having someone listen (not give advice) can help you to listen to yourself.
    If you have the guts to do it without counselling, that's great.  But counselling can be a help when your self-confidence wavers.
    I'm a counsellor, if you hadn't guessed!  I hope you stay true to yourself.

    Tue 30, Dec 2008 at 10:48am
  • User-anonymous littlemissconfused Flag

    my ex partner the other night phoned asking in me... to say it was deffinately all over and there was no hope for us, he walked out on me and now he's twisting it. so he can blame me I guess. i have just know idea how i feel about him or us anymore and dont know what to do i wish i could make a decision and stand by it. he says all he can see are the good times but all i see are recently bad times i guess thats whats getting me through. however i think he's  paniced as he wouldnt let me buy him out of the family home i felt i had not choice but to buy another house ive have now purchased another which i dont want to particulaly move into as its in a different area but it is due to complete any time and im scared of making the move incase its the wrong decision, I asked him what if in time i had made the wrong decision he said i would just have to live with that. Sounds like he really wants to keep us together doesnt it (not)

    Thu 1, Jan 2009 at 10:21am
  • User-anonymous allidol Flag

    hiya dont really know what to say yu was very brave for putting your children first hope it all works out good luck x

    Thu 1, Jan 2009 at 8:56pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    can anyone help me please?? my boyfriend and I cant seem to stop bickering.Its mainly when I meet him with his friends. I had an exam today and he had planned t take the day off. Only when I had finished and had though/ expected he would be there to give me a hug, he was in the Tate with one of his friends. I had to gp and meet him and his friend and wasn't in the best mood. I think I cam off like a bitch infront of her cos i just didnt want to even acknowledge that he existed. 
    I know I sound really uptight but it has been a shit few months and thought that after everything he would have though ahead and come to meet me. we've been together for three years. Maybe i expected too much and i know the best laid plans dont always go to form but i seem to be either expecting too much and am disappointed in what he doesnt do.
    When I told him how i felt it came out wrong aand he got even more pissed off with me acting like a brat!When i dropped him off home he said he was scared of our situation,meaning he was scared of being miserable and then took it back. 
    Now it has stuck on my mind and i know i am making him miserable. dont know what to do. I have tried to be more positive like he wants and specifically want to be more like his friends. but i find that when he is around his friends he is alot happier with them than he is with me.
     
    I feel like i come second best. I have told him this but neither one of us have really changed anything. 
     
    I think i have just made things alot worse with me comments. 
     
    Please help I dont know what to do and i dot want to loose him. 
    :(
     
     

    Wed 21, Jan 2009 at 12:36am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hi, reading all these comments I didnt realise there were so many people having the same trouble as me.I too am struggling with my partner who seems to prefer the TV and laptop to me.We are barely speaking these days, and if he does speak to me its to use sarcastic comments and put me down. Yet he says he loves me and wants to make it work. Trouble is he wont talk much, and whilst I am civilised he just starts having digs at me and making out that I am the one with the problem. He has made me feel totally unwanted as he never touches me. He keeps telling me about my apparant bad points but when I try to explain that its my frustration with our relationship he just wont talk about it. I dont know whether I can salvage this, It seems like I am putting all the effort in!

    Fri 23, Jan 2009 at 2:18am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    I am in exactly the same situation.  The verbal and emotional abuse have done so much damage to my self-confidnece and esteem. The attacks seem to come out of nowhere with no provocation such as me criticizing my husband or doing anything to make him feel defensive. He has never apologized once during our ten years of marriage--just tries to act the next day like everything is just fine. I just don't know what to do as he refuses to talk about anything. I live with nothing but avoidance and lonliness. I long for a little affection, respect and love.  The Stosney and Love book on fixing marriage without talking did at least shed some light on why many men won't talk. I think their insights on the SHAME men feel does help to explain their behavior. Perhaps he is hurting and it comes out as anger toward me. This may be similar to your situation. The problem is that I don't see anyway to change this kind of situation when there is no communication (at his insistence). I've tried writing him letters also but he eigher refuses to read them or will not respond. Is there anyone reading this who has found any successful way to communicate and connect when one partner refuses?  I've asked him to read Stosney's book on emotional abuse and how to change anger and resentment with compassion. He read part of it but refused to particpate in the program outlined in the book. He saw a counselor ONE time last August by himself but never went back.  Just like others on this site have said, as the woman, you get so tired of being the one to work so hard to make a better relationship. I think I've read so many books, listened to instructional CD's, tried everything I can think of. Is the only option to simply end it all?  I don't want a divorce, I want friendship and a loving marriage where I am not constantly told what a terrible person I am.  I think I am running out of energy.  Suggestions anyone?

    Sat 31, Jan 2009 at 5:05pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hello all! I'm reading all your note with tears streaming down my face. I was alo n a non - communicative relationship some time ago and suggested counselling - again , It appeared I was the only one with a problem. Sadly we divorced as I feel I had tried everything to make it work and I got absolutely no response from him. I remarried and now have three fab children, only to find that I am encountering similar problems. Nothing I do is ever good enough, the world now revolves around his mother and he's behaving like his father who he doesn't really like as he's a bully and controlling man. Hubby can't see that he is behaving in the same way and I am now completely battle weary. He cannot take responsibility for his actions and I am now making hurtful comments to him as I am so angry it's quite frightening. He's constantly hurtful to me in comments ie: didn't want children (they are all under 5), listens to my phonecalls and then questions me incessantly - I just can't go on like this. I'm attempting to sort out some counselling but find myself to be exremely emotional as I have just had a baby. Would appreciate someone telling me that I'm not losing the plot! All I want him to do is be a little more onsdierate towards me and the children and to recognise that sometimes I need a bit of support.

    Thu 12, Feb 2009 at 11:36am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Please don't try and take this all on your own try to find someone to support you. "YOU ARE NOT LOSING THE PLOT" you have just had a baby your hormones will be all over the place and you will be very tired believe me i know about this having had 5 children myself with very little in the way of help or support. 
     Although i hate to generalize i do think that it tends to be (in my experience anyway) a man thing when it comes to not wanting to take responsibility for their actions, but this does not make it right or excuse it.
    At the moment the main priorities are to take care of yourself and your children in that order because if you don't take care of you you'll be no use to them anyway. If you have a trusted friend or relative who you can talk to that may be helpful especially as it can take some time to sort out counselling.  
    Maybe when you recover from the birth of your most recent child and your hormones/feelings are a little more settled you will feel stronger and be in a better position to fight your corner for what you want /expect from your relationship.
    i hope you are able to find someone to off load to in a bid to lessen your burden a little.
    Stay strong my heart goes out to you knowing what its like to have children close together with little help/support. i hope things soon improve xx 

    Sun 15, Feb 2009 at 12:13am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    I am hoping that by just writing this down it'll clarify a few things in my mind and perhaps return comments might help me further?
    I have a wonderfully intelligent and beautiful woman in my life and together we have a beautiful daughter of 9 months. Sleeping at the moment is tricky - my little girl wakes in the night if my partner is too close. My partner now sleeps on the inflatable mattress alongside our bed with our daughter in the double bed with me. (We have tried the whole crying out thing and it just feels too mean for both of us and our little one always ends up being sick so we wont try it again).
    Recently I have been feeling powerless about the slow drift my partner and I seem to have begun. Previously (few years ago) we had a very long period of little/no intimacy which culminated in me demanding RELATE meeting. She very reluctantly attended only to utterly dismiss it afterwards as a waste of time and money and that nothing she didn't already know was said. Things didn't get much better for a long time and finally we seemed to find a balance that suited her more than me - but I accepted that perhaps she didn't want/need the intimacy that I had previously so enjoyed with her and that the occasion would be better than none at all. We both recognize that she finds it hard to relax whereas I am pretty chilled at most times. We both work demanding jobs and have a lot of responsibilities at work. Although we now have a wonderful entertaining and brilliant little girl, and despite my suggestions to the contrary, my partner insists that she returns to full time work - i know that she hates feeling that she is the 'little housewife' so must do something to financially contribute. This is fine by me as it means I have to take 1 day/wwek off extra to be with my little girl. 
    The issue is really this; recently in arguments my partner has said things like - 'I could cope better on my own' and 'we are drifting apart'. Basically negative comments that are besides the issue currently under discussion/argument. Because of our sleeping arrangements and general tiredness we have no intimate time together (which is more of an issue for me I think). She has taken to being very curt with me and on some occasions actively ignoring me when she leaves after saying bye to our baby. Whereas before we would discuss what we had for dinner she won't even bother with food - meaning that I end up cooking for myself and she has toast or something - she wont eat what I prepare? 
    She is due to return to work next week which I know she is going to hate - first time away from our baby. I have tried to talk to her about this - she just says I can't understand because I am a man and it is different me having to go to work (I accept this to be true to a degree although I would like some acknowledgement that it is hard for me too?)
    And very generally she is pretty uncompromising, certainly very loathe to apologise/accept partial responsibility for fault, finds it very hard/impossible to empathise with anyone who holds a different perspective on the world to her. I think the plus side to this is she is very determined and single minded in her pursuit of life but combined with the current tough time we are generally having with 1st year of parenting, I am feeling powerless to improve our situation and attempts to talk so far have been met with criticism (all my fault) and stoney silence. 
    Any advice as it seems she is more typically male-minded than me (see above comments)? 

    Tue 10, Mar 2009 at 8:39pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    My partner of 8 years left me with three children and he acted like your man, i was broken. the age of him having nothing, how could he walk out on his family and not even care... but when we sorted things he said he was just as broken. He just wanted me to say stay, and he suffered once he went out the door but he never let on, he found it just as hard as i did. men don't show their weekness' good luck x

    Mon 16, Mar 2009 at 6:23pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hi Everyone:
    I have been married 37 yrs and expeiences all of the above and in the last 6 mos with the financial crisis he is so much worse! We have what we need and are OK for now, and he victimizes himself!! Poor Me, it's really old and many therapsit have seen us and his control runs so deeply, he cannot allow himself to be vulnerable, It's really sad to watch and I am thinking about ending our marraige now.
    Getting out of my own head and focusing on myself is all I can do these days. I have a support group and have developed some new interests like organic gardening, photography and birdwatching! :-) this really helps.
      I have always done the "emotional work" taking care of his emotional needs is tiring and has enabled him to go inside of himself and not look at his piece of destruction in the relationship and on top of this, admitted that he could see what it was doing to us and takes no responsibility to change it, so I see his priortizing is himself over the relationship more than ever. I won't go back into the ring( a pattern of abuse ) and duke it out and get emotionally beat up anymore and he sees it and reacts by witholding all his emotions and finances when he can get way with it... I know he is depressed but I can't control it anymore and shouldn't...I tried everything! Life is way to short and I need my energy to live my life now!
    Patty J.

    Tue 24, Mar 2009 at 1:28pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    I have been married for 46 yrs, in emotionally mentally abusive relationship, I have to repair the damage everytime I have been through breast cancer, an d i am emotionally exhausted and depressed' my health is suffering who can i turn to for help? i will be 70 next year,

    Wed 25, Mar 2009 at 3:23pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    My wife and I have been having problems since we were married 7 years ago.  It's gotten progressively worse between us.  We've got three beautiful children 5 and under but we just can't communicate.  FOUR different marriage councellors.  I feel taken for granted and neglected and she feels disrespected and like all I do is treat her poorly.  On the contrary, I've been working really hard at being understanding and patient.  Now it's to the point where she's so emotionally fragile, she starts sobbing if a conversation breaks down.  She's plays the victim and lashes out with angry insults and put downs.  Very tit-for-tat if I'm to have my needs met.  I've been told she has Borderline Personality Disorder, so I bought a book and it described her behavior almost completely.  I think I have to get out and am scared for my kids.

    Mon 6, Apr 2009 at 9:56pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    I am in the same situation at the moment, been together 2 years and everything seems to be my fault and nothing is never his! he tells me that i need help, and i always have something to moan about when he does not do something, i dont know whats for the best anymore, as its always me that is hurting and does not seem one bit bothered what he says to me!!! he calls me names and is mentally abusive to me!! and calls me names that i would never dream of calling him!
    he has gone behind my back in the past and was texting one of my friends and then denied the whole thing, and when then she then come clean and told me to look at his phone bill, i then found out! i just so scared and dont know whats best? any ideas pls? x

    Tue 7, Apr 2009 at 3:55pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    I came back home feeling extremely unhappy as it is my birthday and also my first wedding anniversary (althogh have been togther for longer) One might say that i should be happy but how can i - my husband did not even get me a bd card. When i asked him he started coming up with all that he thinks is wrong with me and how i am material and how it is just another day. I have read a lot of the comments above and i feel the same. If it is not something to do with his mother or fAmily then it is something to do with his friends. I am so confused and dont know what to do. All he thinks about is his mums and dads feeling. Even if they do something wrong it is always my fault. he says that i forced him to marry me and that he hates me to bits.
    I know i am to blame as well as i have done wrong in the past, but i have tried to move on - he just goes back to the past.
    I know he wont go for councelling because he thinks i am the one with the problems. I just feel so useless, lonely and sad. And i am sad because i have become so emotionally attached to him- i used to be strong independent and now i just feel like someone who is heavily reliant on my husband for everything even though i earn and make a decent living. This morning after our argument he said he is not going to come home to spend my birthday with me - i need to learn a lesson and see how it feels not to get what i want.
     I just dont know what to do

    Tue 7, Apr 2009 at 4:01pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    hi guys ,reading these letters makes me know that im not the only one in this situation,im suprised to see men writing in here too,but thats fine .
    i am in a relationship dats strange ,i know he loves me n ofcourse i do ,but some how i feel like im alwasy teh one doing everything,he's alwasy waitin for me to call him or anything else.we talk about it everytime but it keeps on happenin,im not really complainin (well i am ) cuz im happy its that situation n not he cheating.he always talks about livin together n havin a family but im scared that things get worse,you know things always change when u go livin or havin kids together.
    for some reason i am excited to have kids now which i never wanted but as i met him i do.
    i thought comin here will allow us to talk to each other n mayb help each other out by telin each other wat to try or do.but this is better than nothing

    Wed 8, Apr 2009 at 2:36pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Anonymous on 07 April 2009 at 5:01pm said...
    this is for u.
    honey y r u making him treat u like this ,mayb u should just give him wats he wants i bet u're beautiful,yea i know about the family's feelings things ,when my bf n i started it was like that then i spoke to him about it n now everthings ok,mayb we can talk some more mayb we can exchange email adds.
     

    Wed 8, Apr 2009 at 2:43pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hi, Im new to this.  Ive recently realised that my relationship is fading away.  Have been with my husband for almost 7 years, married for 4.  We have a son who is 18months.  My husband had a lot of issues that surfaced after we moved in together - after only a year of being together (very soon I know).  Basically, I was a shoulder to cry on for years.  Since my son came along, we thought things would be great - but sadly they are not.  Now Im not acting as counsellor to my husband anymore, I feel exhausted!  For years I was reassuring him of his life and now I realise I was neglecting my own needs and feelings!  I think in the beginning I felt sorry for him.  Since becoming a mum its made me realise lots of things.  We bicker and argue all the time.  And to be honest, I just dont have the same feelings for him anymore!  I think I took on so much at a young age (there is an age difference between us and my husband has twins from a previous marriage).  Ive got to the point where I dont want any intimacy from him either.  I initially blamed this on having a baby, but now I think its more than that and I just dont have them feelings for my husband anymore!  This isnt a recent discovery in my mind - its something that has been on my mind for ages.  We have spoke about it and a few weeks ago were on the verge of splitting up - but then decided to try harder to make things work.  But things are just the same again!  He is such a troubled person I think.  He is generally an angry and negative person - which gets me down because he is negative about silly things!  There are lots of things that have added to my feeling this way.  Im now debating speaking to my parents about it all and going to stay with them for a while with my son.  Im so miserable and feel trapped because I cant afford to live on my own.  And above everything else, Im scared that if we carry on like this, its going to start affecting my son.  I want to do whats best for all of us.  Anyone in similar situations?!  thanks xx

    Thu 16, Apr 2009 at 12:03pm
  • User-anonymous Jenny Flag

    I was very interested to read the above contribution because several things came to mind. Firstly, even if your husband is as difficult as you say he is, and this must be very hard, is it possible that because you feel trapped and miserable you are putting all the blame for your feelings on him? Life can be very lonely and isolating as a young mum, even in the happiest of families, and it is tempting to blame our nearest and dearest for negative feelings. Many young parents work so hard at doing their best for their children that they forget to make some 'me' time for themselves as individuals.  The occasional evening at a friend's house, or a trip to the shops without toddler in tow can help to put things in perspective - if your husband won't help, perhaps your parents might. Thinking forward a bit to what you want to do with your life once the toddler is less dependent upon you and taking a small step towards achieving it can be another way of giving yourself a boost. If you really do want to split from your husband eventually, working a little towards some extra training for future employment might help to prevent you from feeling so trapped. Who knows, your old man might not appear to be such a grumpy old devil once you have some interests outside the home!

    Thu 16, Apr 2009 at 5:38pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    I just want to reply to the above (who replied to my post above that).  I have taken some time out the past two days and stayed at my mums with my son.  Im back home now and me and my husband are going to have a good talk today about sorting things out.  There once was that attraction there, so there must be a reason why its disappeared on my part.  I dont blame everything on my husband, but I know (and he admits this too) that due to for so long I was consoling and reassuring him with his insecurities, it has taken its toll on me.
    Also, I suppose I never mentioned this before, but to clear it up - I am a 27 year old working mum. I work three days a week for a big company in London Docklands.  I dont need training for future employment as I have worked my whole life and am qualified and experienced in the line of work I do.  I think it was easy to assume from my post that I was a 21 year old who was being bogged down with suddenly becoming a mother and being stuck in at home, but thats not the case. 
    Anyway, hopefully I wont be on here again if things get sorted out.  But we have spoke about possibly seeking some marriage counselling if we really need it.  We will make some changes and hope things get sorted out.

    Sat 18, Apr 2009 at 10:55am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    I have read through all these comments in tears, so many people struggle with the same relationship issues its quite scary! Me and my Partner have been together for 3 years and we are really struggling at the moment and if I'm honest have been for a while. He is very verbally abusive towards me, regardless of whether or not we are in company. He says very inappropriate things, nasty comments, comments related to our sexlife very personal things that he broadcasts in front of friends and family...well mostly his family! He is quite an insecure and senitive person so when I bite back, when he pushes me to far he takes offence...he tells me that I am mean to him and that I treat him badly when we are in company, but in all honesty that is not the case...my bad feelins towards him always stem from a reaction to his verbal abuse, always!
    He has suffered quite alot in recent years, he is only 26 and his brother was killed in Iraq just over 5 years ago. I am uncertain whether this has made him more reliant on his family or whether their home situation wa simular prior to his brothers death. However from my point of view the family is quite dysfunctional. They are very dependant on each other and although live in seperate houses, (his parents are seperated, and sister lives alone with her 3 year old son) they have a need to see each other almost daily! I realise that I have no idea what they have been through and could not possibly begin to understand how they feel. However this close knit relationship causes severe problems for our relationship.
    The entire family always interfere in our arguements, mainly his sister (who is younger) and mother, and they always take his point of view even though they realise that he is never willing to admit he has done anything wrong, but they encourage him even if they have told me quietly they disagree with him.
    I have recently graduated from University and am seeking employment, however I want to move away to a city...we live in(location removed to protect identity) and since I was a child I have always wanted to move. I moved away to University but had to move home after graduating due to lack of funds. However he has known that I want to move away since day 1! And he has said repeatedly that he would love to move too. Yet everytime I apply for a new job he qickly informs his family and they start having a go at me for trying to take him away. He has even said during arguements that he thinks the only reason I want to move away is to get him away from his family...which is simply not the case! I was always very honest with him and told him before we got together (during my final year of my degree) that when I qualify I am goin to move away! 
    It has come to the point where the verbal abuse and the fact that he never admits he has done anything wrong is too much to take... I love him soo much and cant imagine my life witout him. He really does have some very good qualities to but these are so often shaded by his nasty behaviour, which he says is simply jokes! I have asked him to stop and explained that it really upsets me and he says well I didnt mean to you should know I am joking! But quite often these are hurtful comments about my appearence, my weight, my family etc. thing that people dont joke about.
    when I talk to him he shuts me down says he doesnt want to talk about it, and his new development is take me home I dont want to see you you are a horrid person! He doesnt drive as he has an eye condition for which he has had several operations. But this is pathetic, I just think that he is acting like a spoilt child who cant get his own way. However I see a very simular pattern with his siblings! I know that he has had problems and has suffered andI have made allowances for that, but I simply cant take anymore. I consider my self a strong person and am a true believer that if you have respect for yourself then others will have respect for you also...and allowing him to treat me this way is sacrificing my self-respect and also damaging my self confidence!
    After writing this and reading the above comments I think that my only option is to end the relationship...even though a very large part of me wants to hold on so tightly! I just cant handle the abuse anymore, especially if he refuses to talk about our relationship and try to resolve ou problems.
    If anyone has managed to get a man to open up please let me know how?   

    Mon 27, Apr 2009 at 1:45pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hi there i am new to the site and in a slightly different position in that  i am not looking for advice for me but for my sister whose husband of 16 years has just turned round to her and said their relationship is over.  He says that at least for the last two years he has had these feelings and he has now decided the relationship can not be rescued as he has gone through this in his own head for the last two years and this is his conculsion  To sum up their circumstances my sister is the main breadwinner and works 4.5 days per week, the husband works full time, there is a seven year old child.  My sister is in total shock and i want to do all i can to help her.  In terms of their personalities my sister is very open, her job has been stressful and she can be a negative person and this seems to be the part of it as husband says he feels totally drained and is not interested any more in solving or helping to solve her issues .  He is very black and white and avoids conflict (which i understand is a family thing for him) whereas my sister does have a fiery temper and can explode - i can imagine how over time this negativity has drained the husband and i am sure he thinks he has given her hints and clues as to her behavouir which he maybe thinks he has communicated and with hindsight my sister admits maybe she should have seen these hints more clearly, but to me the communication has obviuosly been ineffective.  However husband believes that nothing can be done to save the relationship.  All my sisters dreams and hopes are shattered and i feel angry that he seems unwilling to believe anyone can help him.  He has agreed to go to Counselling but seems to be just doing it as my sister has asked him.  He believes he has asked himself everything and that no one is going to be able to make him see things differently - i think he believes you cant change yourself - .  My sister is also going to Counselling and she knows she needs to address her anger and stop being negative - she is willing to do anything to save her marriage but realistically given her husband will not give her any hope that it can be saved i feel its over unfortunately.  I tell her to focus on herself and become the person she really wants to be (she has put weight on over the last few years which although husband says is not an issue i doubt he really thinks that).  In my view the weight is result of 1) birth, 2) moving from job in City where lots of walking involved to one where driving involved  (decision made due based on whats best for child) 3) focusing on child rather than on herself 4) her husbands job has led to him being overseas for 10 days at a time every six weeks in a rather dangerous country during the last seven years (although that has come to an end last year) 4) illness and death of mother (2002 to 2005).  Anyway the weight can be lost (with determination).  My sister has allowed her husband the freedom to do a job he enjoys whilst she moved from a job she loved to one which has been stressful but she has done it so they can afford a very good lifestyle, so she can be near to the child to provide the care(which she has done 90% of the time).  He says there is no one else involved (he is a very honest person and at the moment i am giving him the benefit of the doubt because of this) However dont most men lie convincingly if they are having an affair and dont want to admit it ??. They are both going to a Relate meeting together shortly but again his resistance to thinking things can change is worrying.  Comments above about getting man to open up is very relevant here .........

    Fri 8, May 2009 at 9:51am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    been in a relationship for 10 months its pure mad he has 2 kids that stay with him who i get on great with but its him hah he never shows any love we have finished about 9  times since we met should i move on pls help       hope every1 is gettin better

    Tue 12, May 2009 at 6:56pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    I am going to write things down now and try to decide where our relationship is heading. We have been together for 14 y and have son aged 5. I was ready to have children sooner than him and decided to wait until he was ready, respecting his choice.
    He is a fantastic dad and will always put his child first, however he is an awful partner to me.
    I Would have wanted to marry but his family values are not to give any importance to marriage, I proposed to him before having our child and we got engaged, our child came along and he decided that his commitment was big enough. I have now totally dropped the idea too. Because of so many ups and downs we do not feel that we are in th eposition to have more children and this is breaking my heart too.
    Our current problem is that we no longer communicate, we argue a lot and tear each other apart really badly. I have had issues with his family's mentality to criticize and put people down. I thought that an honnest approach and talkling things through would help but it just turned them against me and made matters worst. He always sides with them even when they are disrespectful and make serious and unfonded accusations..
    Last year, he moved out for 6 weeks as he was getting agressive and was pushing me around, he has since swapped to mental abuse and puts me down, he knows how to be very hurtful and uses things I have mentioned to him in confidence after year of life together, back when I fully trusted him.....
    He has explained and admitted to me that he will go as far as he can to hurt me. These days he is cruel and I have had enough of his abuse. I suffer badly from his lack of support, I actually believe that if he loved me he would side with me no matter what! The insults are now really getting me down.
    I feel totally unsupported and I have recently announced that we need to seperate for good as I cannot see how we are going to comtinue our life together. As far as I can see there is no partnership, no trust, no support, and we are no longer close.
    On several occasions, I have managed to tell him how hurtful he's been and that his bullying attitude is just unacceptable but he added that I deserved it and never apologise..
    We are currently sleeping apart, which isn't a new thing due to extreme snoring which is amplified by drinking sessions. I cannot bring myself to talk to him, and find myself not willing to make up.
    I think that I owe it to myself to break this relationship and try to turn my life around.
     I am broken inside. My little man keeps me strong... 
     

    Fri 31, Jul 2009 at 10:32pm
  • User-anonymous James Flag

    Dear Anonymous,  You are feeling unsupported because you have nobody to talk and help you in your situation.  Violence and abuse of any kind have no place in a relationship.  There are people who can help can I suggest you contact the National Domestic Violence helpline on 0808 2000 247 or contact Women's Aid Foundation website : www.womensaid.org.uk. ; I wish you good luck.

    Sat 1, Aug 2009 at 8:04pm
  • User-anonymous speak_your_mind Flag

    Been there ..done that.. got the teashirt.. read the book...I was married 16 years...we did nothing but argue ...he constantly put me down ..everything was my fault yadda ..yadda...the final staw was when he punched me in the face during a row...left him...guess what..it was the best thing I ever did...been with my bloke for 18 years ..married 8  ....it was hard at first as there were consant rows over the kids etc...but time sorts things out...I even invited my ex and his mum and sister to my wedding....but my life couldn't be better...we never argue..we discuss things...infact we don't need to argue ..we are like a pair of old slippers ...comfortable in each others company and happy with what we've got....sometimes the grass is greener on the other side..

    Thu 20, Aug 2009 at 4:43pm
  • User-anonymous VikH Flag

    Hi there,
    Seeing all of this is breaking my heart.  Had hoped that I might find more positivity but I see so many people going through such sadness.
    I would be wrong to say that everything with my partner is bad.  We have an amazing sex life, he does 'more than the average guy' around the house, we have a laugh.  However, every weekend without fail we have a blazing row and he is the most vile human being to be around (sometime there maybe a spat midweek...funnily enough which is why I am on here now).  I try to talk to him about things that are bothering him, and as soon as there is any mention that it could be something he's doing wrong, or not doing at all, he goes off on one big time - yelling, slamming things, breaking things etc... etc... Sometimes the rows last for several hours.  He constantly interrupts but then if I do the same I get "Will I ever be allowed to finish a sentence in this relationship?!".  He tells me not to shout, but then yells at me.  During the rows he frequently brings up my ex husband, telling me how perfect he must've be (I was the one who split with him!)  And a load of other bull comes out.  I tell him that I don't like the way I'm being spoken to, even try walking away (which we were advised to do at a counselling session) and I get comments like "Everyone's always speaking to you horribly" and "That's right walk away, typical .......(inserting my married name - spitting it out likes it's muck.  I haven't changed my name since the divorce as I don't feel a great need to right now, and of course my children share that name...I intend to change it if I ever get remarried)  After it's blown over and I've shed a billion tears, he'll be remorseful and telling me how much he loves me and wants to spend his life with me and how sorry he is.
    The issues are generally the same...money, my children, lack of support around the home.  It's never anything else really.  I struggle quite a lot as I'm a working mum and my job requires me to do a lot at home too.  My days are very long, and when I do finally get to bed, I am trying to have an fairly active sex life with my partner, therefore meaning I don't get what I would class as a lot of sleep.  My weekends are hectic, and I genuinely feel like I'm beginning to suffer from exhaustion...however my partner has recently hurt his back badly so is able to do less.  He continues to cook and make the packed lunches every day though, which I am always very grateful for.
    It worries me that I am reading about couples that have lasted for 30+, 40+ years and are having the same types of problems.  Is there really any hope for someone like me who's been having these problems for most of their relationship of less than 2 years?

    Thu 15, Oct 2009 at 8:00pm
  • User-anonymous James Flag

    Dear VikH,  Thank you for sharing your experiences on this site.  This site offers people the opportunity to share relationship problems, experiences as well as providing advice and support.  Couples can have problems at any time during their relationships.  Arguing is one of these issues that can happen at any time.  There are various reasons why people argue and sometimes it may feel for the least simple thing.  But very often they argue because they do not know how to deal with conflicts so they show a lack of respect to each other and they do or say things which are hurtful.  Conflict is a necessary part of life.  The key is to learn how to resolve the conflict.  In relationship there are sometimes underlying or hidden issues which are not discussed by either partners and couple counselling is an effective way to bring out these issues.  I am sorry you have not found counselling useful.  It may be worth to try again even with a different counsellor.  There are also some very good articles and videos on the "Check it out" section of this site http://thecoupleconnection.net/articles/126 ; http://thecoupleconnection.net/article/101 ; http://thecoupleconnection.net/article/81 ; I hope these will be useful to you and you have my very best wishes.

    Sat 17, Oct 2009 at 7:35pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    OMG, most of these posts realte to my own situation, argimehts which come out of nowhere, apart from my partner seeming really defensive and paranoid about any statement or request i may make, there is anger and shouting and when i stand up for myself i am the horrible person, and i am pickong on him or nagging or having a go about silly things. It is all the ther way around but things are twisted around and he makes himself to be the victim. I once asked him to make me a cup of tea, in a very pleasant voice as i was doing the hoovering, i got shouted at and was told to be pleasant, and that he often made me cups of tea etc. There seems no justification as to why he attacks and always assumes i have a hidden agenda, i get accused of all sorts of things, he occasionally apologises if i manage to make him see his error, but it's such a struggle and the fighting and shouting is horrendous, not to mention the name calling, the stubborness and the sarcasm, he used to be a lovely guy whom i could discuss naything and everything. I am told that i have changed, that i nag, and order him about and that i want control. I questioned why we had to have lights left on in rooms which were empty, and was told that's what he wanted as he liked them on, but the rooms were not being used so i don't think he is reasonably justified whe he justs wants them on, it's choldish and controlling and pointless. I am also told that i am stingy becasue i don't like wastage of gas/electricty or anything else. It's commmon sense and does not make me a bad person and nor do i derserve to be called stingy. It's just turning it around onto me as he wants the control but tries to make me look as if i have the problem. I am so sad that people like us have to puit up with such anger and futile attacks when we are just making normal everyday conversation or requests. It is very sad that these once wonderful people have personality disorders which turn them into Ogres. Theby usually have wonderful qualities but becasue of their innated Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde demeanour they ruin themselves and any relationship they have. The answer is to get out, tell them straight, and not put up with any odd behaviour from day one.

    Tue 20, Oct 2009 at 10:27am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hi everyone. Its a very common problem but leaving or trying to change partner is not the answer. you will running away from yourself instead. With new partner you may have it again if you hadnt sort it out already. Problem is simple. When living together couples start talking with their bodies , actions more than their tongues. Which causes genuine communication problem. If you think you have abusive relationship problem . Just take a break , communicate positively and above all show your committment to change for your partner instead asking your partner to change and be accommodative. It may look painful to some. But in relationships which are also for long time couples behaviour get rigid and selfish and the weakest of them try to flee. You will gain instead of losing by being flexible. Good luck.

    Mon 11, Jan 2010 at 2:16am
  • User-anonymous momof3 Flag

    Man, nearly every one of these posts hits home. I am 7 years into our marriage, 3 kids under 5. So tired, work full-time, take care of the kids nearly full-time as well. Husband works, does "more than the average husband"- which is still not enough, and certainly not half the work that needs to be done.  What he does he only does after nagging- do the dishes every other day, take the garbage out, talk nicely to me, please....  It seems that our money issues have him constantly in a bad mood, ready to snap at me for any little thing I could say to him.  I could even say something relatively nice to him, and if he's in a bad mood, he will turn it around and be sarcastic.  He is not loving anymore, hasn't tried to snuggle with me in an eternity, snaps at the kids at the slightest provocation, and calls me every name in the book during arguments.  We were in counseling for 2.5 years- it helped some, but at the end, we decided to separate.  A few days later, he begged me to take him back, promising major changes, and finally admitting fault with himself.  Here we are, not 3 months later....we are back to "f&%* b*%*!!" in the morning when we are getting the kids ready for school.  I have a stomachache from it all, and my little girl is distraught for days after our arguments.  I told him this AM that I would not take it anymore- to please leave, 6 month separation: GET OUT.  It is 10pm and he is still not home, so I'm thinking he took me seriously, for the first time ever.  I have a stomachache, am depressed, sad, tired, want to cry, want to sleep for the rest of my life, but I can't because I have 3 little ones that rely on me to be their sunshine and show them that the world is not bleak.  So if I don't smile and read them stories and sing songs with them, I feel that they will be as broken as I am, which is the LAST thing on the planet that I would want.         I have a place picked out to move to---- if it gets to that. Would have to sell our house, a little devastating, as we chose it as our "forever" house and spent years and tons of $$ making it like we wanted it.  That is not the issue...the issue is...we had years of fun, we had years of love, we had one of the most memorable weddings of all time, according to our friends, and if you asked our friends now about us- they would say we were a super-fun, happy couple that can joke with each other and has love.  It is the most lonely thing on the planet to be on the  inside of this terrible, terrible situation.  I have to be strong and stand up for myself and for my children and hope and pray that I am making the right decision in asking him to leave.  He disrespects me constantly, is rude to me daily, snappy, angry, honestly even wakes me up in a terrible mood at times- rudely. I never thought I would have to deal with this. Who does?? I thought I would find love, and that it would be great.  He never knew how much work taking care of 3 kids was...and now he is a bitter man. I would give anything sometimes to go back to a warm, happy place in our relationship- after 13 years together, 7 years married- it seems like it HAS to work out?? I can't have wasted all this time?? I can't share my kids with someone else, not in my home. I can't, I can't. I am a wreck.

    Fri 17, Sep 2010 at 5:59am
  • User-anonymous Sinead (moderator) Flag

    It all sounds pretty heartbreaking and tough to live with. I wonder if you are still in the same situation it would help to post as a new post on the forum. Others are then more likely to respond to your particular circumstances.

    Tue 3, Jun 2014 at 10:44am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    I am in an abusive relationship and i am thinking of leaving. I believe if someone truely loves you they would not want you to be unhappy. I am sick of making excuses for his behaviour and sacfricing my thoughts and feelings to please him. Life's too short. I might not be happy if i leave him but i am certainly not happy with where i am now, therefore I have nothing to lose. If he gave a damm he would change his ways anyway. I have a child and i do'n't think its healthy for him to see his parents constantly arguing.

    Sun 7, Sep 2014 at 11:54pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Reading your post it sounds to me like you are coming to terms with what you need to do for you and your child. You deserve to be in safe place so take care.

    Mon 8, Sep 2014 at 2:27pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Reading your post it sounds to me like you are coming to terms with what you need to do for you and your child. You deserve to be in safe place so take care.

    Mon 8, Sep 2014 at 2:27pm
  • User-anonymous Ladybug Flag

    This sounds so familiar I could be writing it myself. I don't think you can push him to be more communicative. Maybe just give him the space he needs and concentrate on yourself and the kids for the moment. If you want to try again tell him so, that you love him (if it's true) and that you are hoping he'll feel more able to open up and talk at some point in the future. Then try to let go of your anger and resentment, as it will only hinder future attempts at communication.

    Good luck!

    Wed 11, May 2016 at 9:51am

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