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Help! Cheating Partner and Love Child!
Sorry in advance but this is going to be a long one.
I'm 23 years old, my partner is 29, we have been together for 7 years and have been living together to 5 of them.
In 2010, I decided that the career I was in was not where I wanted to be and I wanted to go back to college. After much discussion, my partner and I agreed that I would go back to college for 2 years and he would support us both.
Once I'd started college, I obviously made new friends and I would see them outside of college plus I would see my old work mates some evenings. I was probably out for 2 nights a week max though so nothing major.
My partner didn't really go out much and see his friends so basically I would be going out and he would be staying in on his own.
In October last year I came home from my day at college and he sat me down and told me that he had been seeing someone else for eight months and that she was pregnant!!
I was absolutely devastated! I moved out the following day but he broke down and begged me to stay saying that he loved me and always has and that he never wanted to be with this girl (only being 18 years old!). I moved out anyway and I'm still not living with him, I stopped contact completely to start with but we are now talking and meeting up sometimes.
She decided that she was going to keep the baby and she has now been born and he is seeing her on a weekly basis, paying maintenance etc.
I asked him why he did it in the first place and he said he didn't think I cared about the relationship anymore and he felt lonely. He used to go and see her every Saturday when I would volunteer at a cat rescue. Apparently he had met this girl off the internet, met up with her in January last year just to talk to and most of the time he was crying and talking about how upset he was about me! They then started sleeping together in the March.
Apparently he ended the relationship in August last year as I started questioning why he was acting strange and he basically didn't want to come near me sexually anymore. There were plenty of little things I would notice and spot and think that's not right but just put it down to me being silly as he really isn't the sort of guy you would think would cheat on anyone the way he did, all my friends and family were so shocked when I told them.
Anyway, now I have no idea what to do. I love him so much and I miss us not being together properly. He wants to make a proper go of it and try and make things work. We get on so well and have such a laugh together. There is just this huge infidelity, girl and child that I would have to deal with for the rest of my life. They live about 45 minutes away and as mentioned before, he sees this child on a weekly basis, sometimes twice a week, he drives there and stays for a few hours and then drives down again. He tells me that she tried to kiss him and that he told her that it wasn't what he wanted and she got upset etc etc and nothing like that has happened since. She obviously still wants him but my partner assures me that he does not want her as he would have gone there already which is a fair point I guess.
She knew me and my partner were together as obviously he used to talk and cry about me to her. Apparently she used to ask about me, like when I was getting a new car, she asked what I got in the end...I mean what the hell? Why is she even bothered about me when she was sleeping with him and wanted to be with him!
I want to be able to forgive him, work on us and then eventually accept and meet the child but awful as it sounds, I don't want to see the girl any time soon at all. I don't think I could stomach that. The only problem is that it is so hard at the moment to deal with it all which is obviously what is to be expected. I just can't help but think that if she hadn't have gotten pregnant then it would be easier but then again, I probably would never have found out that he had been seeing her for all this time.
I need advice and honest opinions.
Comments
You may be able to forgive him for his betrayal, but will you be able to trust him again?
You seem to be recognising the responsibilities he has to his child (and good on you for that) but if the mother is going to carrying on with tempting him to stray again when he visits, does he have what it will take to resist on a long-term basis?
It does sound as if your relationship may have lost some impetus due to the busy life-style, but the story about finding an 18-year-old to cry on the shoulder of, and to end up in bed with, does sound as if some thoughtful editing may have been applied in an attempt to mitigate his actions.
From what he is telling you, it sounds as if she is not too fussy about sharing him with you, which makes me wonder about her personal life and social circumstances. If she is lonely and a bit desperate for company, or is she into casual sex with guys contacted on the Internet, having a baby is unlikely to increase her options for meeting someone she might settle down with, which from your point of view, would probably be the best thing that could happen.
BTW, keep in mind the possibility of STDs if you haven't already.
Your post suggests that you are the more mature one in the relationship, despite the difference in age, and you also sound more socially active than your partner. I think the judgement call for you is whether you feel your partner has learned anything from what has happened, and whether he would deal with any difficulties in your relationship more maturely in the future.
He does sound quite committed to you, but he has dropped an emotional bombshell into your lap, and rather than crying after the event, he needs to be thinking about how he can ever expect you to trust him again.
You mention your Saturday pet rescue work, and I'm wondering if you have a tendency to rescue the two-legged kind as well? Which is not meant as a facetious remark, but maybe to recognise that you might be tempted to rescue your partner when really you need to think about the risk of him screwing up again when your back is turned at some future date, and the impact that would have on you.
Maybe he’s a late developer, and maybe he will learn from this mistake, but I do think you have to recognise the risk of something similar happening in the future. So do you walk away and deal with the grief of splitting up now – or do you try again, and hope that you will never be put in this position again?
I think those are your options – neither being easy, but the latter being the risky one.
If you do decide to carry on with the relationship, as hard as it may be for you, I think it would be a good idea for you to meet this girl so that you can form some opinion of what she is about. In my opinion, the more you know about her, and your bf’s relationship with her, the better. Much as you might like to turn away, meeting her will bring home the reality of what has happened, and will help you to make the best decisions re the longer term.
Your partner now has a child, and if he is going to be a good father, and if you intend to keep the relationship going long-term, you will probably be required to act in a parental role towards his offspring – how do you feel about that?
My guess is that you are the sort of person who could come to terms with the above, but I reckon you will need to feel that your partner fully understands and respects the boundaries around the relationship with the child’s mother, and that he appreciates the efforts made on your part re the practical and emotional adjustments required of you.
I think you need to tell him in no uncertain terms that if you do take on the emotional challenge he has brought into your life, that he needs to grow up and start managing his emotions in a more mature way than he has in the past, so that he can give you good cause to eventually trust him again.
Good luck - I hope things work out for you, whichever route you travel.
Sky
Thank you for your comment Sky, it really was very helpful.
Being able to trust him again is obviously going to be one of the problems. It won’t happen overnight and he really needs to prove himself and I believe he has learnt from his mistake. He has begun to see his friends and he goes out a couple of nights a week with them which will improve things a lot as far as me going out with my friends is concerned. He will no longer be sat at home with no one to talk to which was one of the reasons this whole thing happened in the first place. I have told him that if we give things a proper go then he must continue to see his friends on a regular basis.
I do believe him when he says that he doesn’t want to be with her as he would have gone there by now especially when we officially broke up but I understand what you mean about the fact that he might not be able to resist to sleep with her again, although he has told me that she did try and kiss him a couple of weeks ago and my partner and I weren’t together but we were contacting each other and seeing each other one night a week which she didn’t know about. So her thinking he was a free man, went in to kiss him and he tells me that he told her it wasn’t what he wanted etc and it hasn’t happened since.
I don’t feel comfortable with meeting her to be perfectly honest. She is as much a part of this mess and he is and it just turns my stomach when she would openly ask him questions about me and then sleep with him! Makes me feel sick and I have a pretty good idea what sort of person she is just from that alone. She is someone who doesn’t have any friends or any ambition as far as a career is concerned apparently so having a baby has probably brought some purpose to her life. She was looking for someone for company as she was lonely due to her lack of friends and I would definitely say she is desperate. I know exactly what you are saying about finding out exactly what sort of relationship they have now rather than just turning away but should a meeting be arranged then I wouldn’t even know what to say to the girl?
I’ve told him that if we do give things a go again and it works out and we go through a rough patch again or he becomes unhappy then he must sit me down properly and talk about it, not bottle it up and go and find someone else to talk to as that will never solve the problem simply because I don’t know what the problem is and in this case he created a different and worse problem to deal with.
As for acting in a parental role for the child, I’m taking that one slow. He has told me that I don’t need to rush to meet his child and that once I’m ready we can arrange something. I want to work on us first though and then move onto that. I have no negative emotional feelings towards the child as it is simply not its fault that it has been brought in this mess, but I do believe I have a right to take it slow with regards to meeting it.
This may sound silly but I also can’t help but think that should we work everything out and want to start a family of our own that it won’t be that special for him or his family as there has already been a child of his born.
You clearly think a great deal of this guy, and it seems that you are being pulled back by the connection you have with him.
Your posts are very balanced and rational, and I suspect that you have filtered out the strong emotions that are part of the pull you feel towards reconciling matters with him. I wonder if your retraining involves a caring role - you come over as someone who would be drawn to such work.
I get the impression that despite the very rational approach in your posts, that your heart will tip the balance on this decision. I wonder what your friends and family say about a reconciliation, and to what extent you are using them as a sound-board, if not for straightforward guidance, which I suspect may not be your way because you seem like someone who likes to be independent and in control of your life.
In your first post you come over as very conscious of the fact that you were very busy when your partner started to stray, and while it may be wise to recognise all relevant factors, he is 29 and an adult with choices, and not a home-alone child who got up to mischief due to being neglected – I think there’s a risk that you may be taking on too much responsibility for that particular aspect of this, which may have led you into working out things for him on his behalf somewhat prematurely?
He needs to work out why he put your relationship at such risk, and he needs to see how much he has hurt you, and he needs to work out how to make sure it doesn’t happen again. The working things out bit *for himself* is part of the learning - likely to be more emotional learning than the cognitive kind.
He does sound like a nice guy who has made a mistake and done something very stupid, but I suspect that in his desperation to win you over he is playing the sympathy card whenever he can because he knows it will work with you. So I suggest you sit on your hands and let him struggle to convince you that he can bring you to trust him again in the future, given the chance. My guess is that he knows by now that you will take him back anyway – if I can see that, I’m sure he can.
I think you are wise to take things one-step at a time in relation to the child, and the mother. You seem like someone who has a big heart, and with a lot of love to give, and no doubt you will come to terms with it all in good time.
But my advice to you for the short-term is not to hurry this reconciliation, let him see the damage he has done, and the emotional upheaval he has caused you, and allow him the time and space to convince you that he will never let you down again in such a way.
He is very lucky to have someone who cares about him as much as you do, and also someone able to contemplate coping with the results of his infidelity, and he needs to take responsibility for protecting the emotional investment you have put in his hands - you can't do that for him.
If you do eventually have a child together, I feel sure that it will be special to him, because it will be a baby that you have made together in a very special relationship.
Sky
Thank you again Sky, you seem to completely get what I am thinking and the way I am in fact. I really do care a great deal about him and I did go back to study to be able to get a job caring but for animals so you may be right when you say I want to rescue him too.
Not a lot of my friends and family know what I am doing as I'm seeing if things work out first. A couple of them know though and they have said that they will support me in whatever I decide and that it is my decision and no one elses.
I hope he does realise how much he has hurt me and to begin to think about ways in which he can gain my trust again. I also hope that he never ever does anything like this again. If he has learnt anything from this surely it would be to never do anything like this again due to the huge risk of losing the relationship we have and the risk of having another baby on the way if he impregnates someone again!
If he does this again then I would have wasted my time, he would have hurt me again and he's a complete idiot. I simply won't forgive the same mistake twice.
He wasn't expecting me to stay at first and especially when I left and contact stopped altogether but now that we are back in contact and talking about making a go of things and how I would plan to cope with all of this then he may be thinking that I'm back for good.
I've made it clear that he can't just sit around and expect everything to just come into place, he has to work hard. At the end of the day, this is a lot easier for him to deal as its his child and he can easily just go and see her and the mother and take the baby round his parents etc and be fine with it. He needs to realise that I have to accept what he has done and forgive and try and trust him again which is obviously very hard and I have to accept the child.
Its obviously quite upsetting when he takes the child round his parents to see them and his brother which is obviously normal as they are the child's grandparents and his brother is its uncle but when the time comes when I see his family again, I just hope they are sensitive to my feelings and don't openly talk about the child until I am ready to fully accept it.
It's a big decision for you, because even if you can come to accept his love child as the innocent party in all this, the child is going to be a constant reminder of him straying.
If you have children with him, then there will be the issue of keeping his current child within the family mix.
All these things are possible of course, but you are the one who will need the confidence and the wisdom to follow through on any decisions you make now.
I think you must be very grounded and secure in yourself to have got this far – you seem like someone who will do all you can to follow through on any decisions you make with some commitment.
Hopefully, his family will show you 100% support if you do take him back, because that’s what you will deserve.
There is also the issue of how the mother of his child will react when she knows he is back with you, i.e. will she use the child as a way of making life difficult for him, and you? Which is leaping ahead perhaps, but allowing for the possibility is better than being caught on the back foot.
As mentioned, I think you need to make him work hard for any reconciliation, so that he does realise how close he has come to pushing you too far.
Sky
Hi
This post is very interesting to me, my story is almost identical except the otherway around. I posted a brief description under "Am I attempting the impossible? (Affair Aftermath)" it was me (the 29yr old guy) who after 13yrs just started seeing body else. I also stopped the affair but the other person was hugely attached to me which made that very difficult.
I also came clean and for the past 9months have been deperately trying to show my girlfriend how sorry I am and how much I want to be with her. Except you sound very different to her, my girlfriend cannot come to terms with my mess up. We have been to regular relationship councelling and I have changed jobs to get away from the other person. We talk almost every day about it and I give her all the reasurrance and support I can.
However we are 9months into the aftermath and she is on anti depressents and almost lost her job because of how she is now. We've been to see doctors but she is reluctant to take thier advice and our counsellour has told me in private she cannot assist or give anymore advise than what she has already done.
I really do regret what I have done, and trust me if your boyfriend truely does too I hope you can see it and he keeps it up. I must admit reading your reaction, you sound alot more willing to forgive and work on your relationship. With that attitude and if he truey wants the same, i know you can work things out. I truely recommend relationship councelling, it really opens up your eyes and helps you both see things fron another angle.
I have learnt alot from my mistake, and I strongly believe in myself that I would never do somethig so stupid and hurtful again. As hard as this is, with the right help you can both be a much stronger and more open couple.
There are glimpses of positivity coming from your post which 9months on for me, I'm not seeing or hearing from my gf.
I just wanted to let you know that I am a guy that has been through a very similair situtaion to your boyfriend. And for despite everything that has happened, I want to be with my girlfriend and not that other person. I too could of left with her, but choose not too and choose to come clean. I did that because I knew I messed up and who I truely loved. From the sounds of things I imagine your guy is in the same boat as me, that combined with your reaction to the news tells me you guys can work it out.
It takes time but you'll know its worth it in the end.
Take care x
Thank you for your comment Guilty101.
I know exactly how your girlfriend feels. It is a huge betrayal and will be really hard for her. People are different and can forgive more than others. I know I personally will find this incredibly hard and it will play on my mind for months to come.
Unfortunately even though my partner tells me he wants nothing to do with her again, has learnt from his mistake, regrets it and will never do anything like that again, there is still the trust issue and I find myself asking him the same questions over and over about what happened because part of me doesn't believe him. It sounds awful but he did openly lie to me for 8 months while he was having the affair.
It sounds like you've worked really hard to try and get your relationship back to the way it was or near enough and you have even changed things in your life to try and improve things. You clearly want things to work and regret your mistake. Has the other woman been completely removed from your life now and isn't contacting you?
Your girlfriend sounds like she is really struggling and I'm sure you have tried everything. The problem is that maybe 9 months still isn't long enough to get over this sort of thing. She is giving you a chance which is something, do you ever have good days where you can just act like you used to and the betrayal isn't really mentioned? Bless her for being on anti-depressants and her job being affected, it is clear from that that she can't move on from this at the moment. Does she just not believe that you won't do it again? Was she contacted by the other woman? I know when my partner told me everything, a few days after her sister and family started contacting me and even threatening me! It was awful and I am honestly worried that once the girl is told that my partner and I are giving it another go that she may try and ruin things and her family will begin to try and contact me and make life difficult. I hope that doesn't happen.
I hope it all works out for you as I believe that you want to make things work just from your post.
We all make mistakes but some are worse than others. Keep trying to work things out and build that trust up again. You don't want her getting even more ill though but she must really love you to give you a chance. I really hope she gets better soon. Is there anything in particular she's struggling with? I just know that I'm struggling with him having to go and see the other girl on a weekly basis as she decided to give birth to his child and I obviously don't know what he gets up to when he's up there! Like mentioned before he told her that it isn't what he wants but I can't help but doubt it.
I'm only giving my partner a chance because he seemed genuinely regretful and sorry for what he did and I really do love him and I bet your girlfriend is the same.
Thank you so much for your reply.
You are right, 9 months is still very early days. Our therapist said it can take up to 2years to regain that trust.
If your bf is genuine then maybe you can suggest he does what I now do. That is, my life has too be a completely open book. I have given her access to my phone, email account, fb etc. I even ring from and email from work to prove where I am, if working late etc. Posting on here is the only thing I keep from her.
I know this seems extreme but as you said, I have completely destroyed her trust and that is what she struggles with the most.
By making my life an open book is really helping her regain that trust, and helps her to stop asking the same insecure questions.
I must admit we are starting to have more and more 'normal' feeling days, the only problem is that after a few good days comes the down ones. Down ones are triggered by certain 'triggers' for her or simply because she feels like we are moving on and that I have forgotten what has happened, which is not the case but that is how it can make her feel.
I do believe she loves me, but after not hearing her tell me that after so long makes me feel like i'm failing. Especially after an episode of really dark and down days. It is very up and down, with positive days and negative days.
Fortunately for us, we have removed the other person from our lives. It wasn't easy as I'm not normally horrible/rude to people and although I didn't love her in that way I couldn't help caring for her well being. Especially after seeing each other for 6months or so and getting to know her. However my GF comes first and after explaining this to the other person, it too became ugly which turned us to hate each other. In the end I had informed the police and reported her as harrassing me. The police were very helpful and we had to do it because i was at a critical point of explaining how sorry I was. At the same time she was still contacting me and making threats, therefore the police ended up having a polite word with her and I eventually left my job (we worked together....typical) and now all contact has ended.
After seeing what my GF is going through, I cannot imagine how you are coping with a new baby in the mix. With him visiting her is already testing your broken trust to the max. That is something I think you need to explain to him, if he doesn't listen or take what you say seriously. then I suggest relationship counselling as this really changed the way I thought and really got me to understand what my Gf was going to go through.
One thing that is important is that you now know what to look out for, you'll remember all the little signs that were happening when his affair was going on. Only this time, no matter how small the sign is you'll question it and question it deeper. He too also now knows the true consequences of his actions and if he is filled with regret like I am, then that is one of the best '99.99% realistic' guarantees that this wont happen to you again with this guy.
At the end of the day, you clearly want to forgive him. Nobody's situations are the same and there is no right or wrong way to tackle what we are going through. Friends and family all have thier opponions on what 'they would do' but they have no idea unless they have experienced it and again, everybody's relationships are different. My best advise as someone from the otherside 9months down the line is, give it a go. Without trying to save the relationship you'll never know and you'll be left with all the 'Why's?' and 'What if's'. If its ment to be it will work out, regardless of the other person and the baby still in his life. There will be a way and you will find that neutral ground if its ment to be found.
I'm unfortuantely nearly at my limit and that is not something I say lightly after all the hard work I have been putting in. I do still love my gf massively but this is the lowest I have been in my life and everybody has thier limit no matter how much they want something or how strong they are. However all I can do is keep pushing until I break, hopefully before that happens we'll take a positive turn which will boost me on further.
Hope you can take some real positives from these posts, I know it is helping me as none of my friends/family have a true understanding of this.
All the best
Hello again, its been just under a month and I'm still with my partner.
I have a major issue, well its major to me because its driving me insane, and the only issue.
Its the mother of his child. She was told that me and him were together and she wasn't too happy, I don't know whether she thought that she perhaps had some sort of chance even though he'd told her she wasn't what he wanted or now that he wasn't single there would be problems or whatever.
Anyway, my partner seems to feel that he needs to text her pretty much every day. I think that's odd personally. I asked him to stop or at least decrease it and he said that he felt he couldn't because while I was off the scene they would text each other for company and he feels horrible if he just ditches her now that he's with someone. The texting is usually about his daughter or just stuff you'd text your ordinary friends but she sometimes comes out with inappropriate comments and it makes me uncomfortable and very angry.
The other day for example, my partner was feeling a bit better after feeling poorly for a few days and he told her that, she then said "I'm glad to hear it.....shame I wasn't there to make you feel better" - what sort of comment is that?!
She's a complete idiot and its driving me mad. She sends stupid comments like that quite regularly and moans about him not texting him in the evenings anymore (because he's with me) etc. and I just don't know what to do about it. I just want her to back off and let us be happy. He's seeing his daughter and paying his way towards her etc so why can't she just stop now? Is she still after him?
My partner is being quite annoying about it in that he doesn't wanna just stop the texting as they are 'friends' and he doesn't wanna just ditch her and wants to keep everyone happy but surely if she was intelligent and mature enough then she'd realise the reason behind it and begin to get in touch with friends her own age and not continue to hang on to something she shouldn't.
Hey
This sounds very complicated for you and I can imagine exactly how you are feeling and why he can't just shut her out. Having the little one involved makes it almost impossible for him to cut her out aswell.
I must admit I struggled to shut the other person out of my life at first, not because I had feelings for her but just because of my nature, I'm not a nasty person and I knew she was lonely etc. However I knew i wanted my gf back and therfore had to be strong and ignore her texts. Eventually I got the police involved and they put a stop to her contacting me. Its been a year almost since I last spoke to her and I don't look back or miss her.
With you, this would be very difficult as your bf has agreed to support the baby and chooses to be involved in its life. And she doesn't sound like she is respecting your decision to sort stuff out.
I wish I could be more help as this sounds like hell for you, sitting down and talking together with a proffesional would be my best advise to start solving the problem. Will probably make him realise that he needs to make a descision about what is most import to him etc. Wish I had the answer for you on this one.