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Have I made the right choice?
So after weeks / months of debating it with myself I finally decided to end my relationship of nearly 3 years last night. There were a few reasons, nothing major like cheating, but just issues that I could only see getting bigger over time.
I was finally certain about my decision, although immediately before I did it I did have a bit of a panic thinking am I doing the right thing, but told myself this is normal before making any major decision. My boyfriend said he had known things weren't right but was devastated, he said he loves me so much and can't imagine living without me. It was so tempting to take it all back there and then.
I was expecting to find it hard, but thought I'd feel some kind of sense of relief or knowledge that I'd done the right thing. However right now I just feel unbelievably awful and quite sick at the thought of never being with him again - I almost feel like he's dumped me! Is it normal to feel like this when you leave someone or do these feelings indicate that I've made the wrong choice?
Comments
I think decisions you have made yourself over emotional matters can come as a shock when you turn them into a reality. In my opinion, you need to wait a few weeks for what has happened to sink in. Even then, 3 years is a long time, so it might take some time for you to make the emotional journey out of the relationship.
Personally, I don't think the way you are feeling is a sign of having done the wrong thing - I think it's an understandable reaction either way.
If in a months time it seems like the wrong decision, despite all the issues you considered before taking such a step, then maybe think again.
Sky
Thank-you Sky.
I think I figured that as I'd driven myself crazy for so long thinking about what to do, that I'd feel some kind of relief once I'd gone through with my decision. I know I need to give it time, as it's entirely possible that my feelings now are a result of seeing my partner so upset, and me just wanting to be able to make things ok again for him. As I said, there were no major catastrophes in the relationship, more ongoing niggling issues. We've been through some quite tough times and to be honest I'd just got tired of everything being an effort and felt like I no longer wanted to sort those things out. Now I feel like maybe I just didn't try hard enough. I still care very much for him and found it even harder than I thought I would to break the news to him. Guess I'll just have to be patient and see what the next few weeks bring.
Have you talked to anyone about the relationship?
If you are feeling very mixed up about your decision to end it, you could always have a couple of sessions with Relate (Relate.org.uk).
Although you feel torn now, if you got back into the relationship again would you start to feel it was a mistake in a few weeks time?
It sounds as if you have given the relationship a lot of thought prior to ending it, but maybe talking it through with someone impartial would help to confirm, or revise, your decision. Probably a good idea to allow a couple of weeks for your emotions to settle though. You will have formed an attachment to him, so I think you need to allow for feeling raw when you make the break.
Sky
I talked to friends and family before ending it. I know two friends who have been through similar ends to a long-term relationship, but they've both told me they felt really relieved to end things which has only made me feel more doubtful! My parents both have reservations about him and don't think he's the right guy for me. I do think this is worth taking into account as they obviously know me very well, but I don't know how much of that is just the parent type 'no- one is good enough for her' type thing (they're not keen on my sister's husband either).
My previous relationship lasted for 6 years, and in retrospect the last 2 years I was flogging a dead horse really. I know it's not good to carry on with someone when you know it's not working, but I did at least come out of that relationship feeling 100% certain I couldn't have done anything more to save it. As that's my only other experience of this kind of situation maybe I was expecting to feel the same this time round. I'm just really bothered right now by these feelings that actually I could have done more.
We did already take a break at the beginning of the year as I had moved to a new area and started a new job whilst waiting for my boyfriend to join me but nothing seemed to actually be materialising in terms of him moving. We had agreed it was a temporary separation, and when we got back together we had a bit of a second honeymoon phase, things were so great for a while, I think I fell into the trap of thinking, at least the hard stuff is behind us, and thought everything would be just fine from then on. But even the right relationships need work to keep them good.
I am definitely going to talk to a third party to try and clear my head a little!