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Getting over the affair - 18 months on

Posted by: cheshiregirl
Thu 7, Oct 2010 at 6:35am
Affairs and Jealousy

Hi - just found this site - and working my way round it. We have been married for 29 years and have had a happy and good marriage. Two years ago my husband started an affair with a contact he had made through his business, she lived in Italy - and was looking for a way out of her marriage...- suddenly he was travelling there every month - for 'business reasons'. I had no suspicions or mistrusted him in any way and never questioned his reassons for going there, he had always done some travelling with his business. in the past To cut a long story short, I found out about the affair after 7 months - confronted him and he finished with her there and then. Since then I have been to hell and back but we are both determined to make our marriage work again - we have too much to lose. But the journey is not easy .
He still admits to having fond memoried of the affair and has some contact (e mail) with her through his business. I have now insisted that he breaks off this contact - as I am still suspicious and cant trust him totally. Knowing he had this contact makes me ask about whether he has had any contact with her - and that keeps her within our marriage - which is very damaging for both of us. he is trying to forget the affair - and I keep reminding him!
I hate what he has done to our marriage - but I love him and want to stay with him. Life would be no better appart.

I agree with comments I have read on this site, that it is an emmotinal roller coaster - we have had some great times over the last 18 months, and some dreadfull ones as well. He has behaved impeccably since the discovery, and has done all he can to show his remorse, but sometimes this is not enough. He wants me to forget and put it all behind us - and I want that too - but putting that into practice is not easy at all times, there are triggers and flashback which still eat me up.

If there is anyone who has been through a similar experience< I would be pleased to hear how long the pain and mistrust continues....

thanks for listening!

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  • User-anonymous watford87 Flag

    You will never forget completely. It's not something that can be erased but like any traumatic experience the pain recedes over time. There will continue to be occasions when you suddenly remember and the pain comes back to hit you but over time perhaps its less intense, less raw. I read somewhere that it takes up to 2 years but for me it's a process, a journey to what will be a better relationship I hope. Good can come out of bad but both of you must want the same thing. You must be allowed time to grieve for what you have lost but his complete remorse and future commitment is all you can ask for. Good luck

    Thu 7, Oct 2010 at 1:50pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Thanks for your comments - I am trying so hard, but find it at times so hard.  We have good times and then I spoil it all by becomimg emmotional or upset.  he is so patient - but I worry that his patience will run out, I must contril myself more..... 

    Mon 11, Oct 2010 at 7:31pm
  • User-anonymous watford87 Flag

    I know what you mean but it's good that he is still patient as that must mean that he wants it to work.
    You might find that you get upset at certain times or in certain circumstances. Try to see if there is a pattern. If you feel yourself sliding down with upsetting thoughts counter them with positive ones; how you are both working to a better future. It's not easy; in fact its much easier to remember the bad stuff and feel down again.
    After a certain time I found that it was better to go away in private and let it all out - scream, shout, cry whatever - let the pressure release and the pain wash over you and then get back to normal life(whatever that means) and focus on the positive....

    Tue 12, Oct 2010 at 9:12am
  • User-anonymous cheshiregirl Flag

    Thanks for your helpfull comments _ its a constant focus for me - and i hate spending time on my own now - - far more needy - but I dont want to let go of our larriage or our good times - so need to keep at it.

    Wed 1, Dec 2010 at 3:59pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    watford's comments were so right, and really helpful. I just wanted to add that there are a lot of us in the same boat. It is a long hard struggle back to a healthy relationship, but well worth the time and the effort in the end. Hang in there, and stay strong!

    Wed 1, Dec 2010 at 6:10pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Same boat, same type of man.  We have been together for 23 years, and had a great love affair and partnership , one of the best.  An old friend of mine, who also happened to be an old girlfriend of his, who had cheated on him (I know, it seems so obvious now) with multiple men, came back into our lives, at my bidding (!!!) at what, in retrospect was the most vulnerable time we have ever had together, with business and lifestyle changes happening very rapidly, and a busy young family, me trying to re-establish a career, independent of the business we had run together, for nearly 20 years.  They had a 16 month long affair, right under my nose, she even came on family holdiays with us!  Whenever I felt suspicious, he calmed my nerves with love and reminded me of how much we mean to each other, and how awful she was in the past.  All lies.  19 months on, I am still consumed by it, despite his complete remorse and disbelief that he was such a mid-life statistic, I am in hell more than I'm not.  Initially I was pretty damn great, at least six months of, this is going to be better than ever, but then fell into the mother of all holes, embarassingly, I even attempted suicide.  I've had counselling, hypnotherapy, everything I could think of.  Even ended up, very, very reluctantly on a pretty high dose of anti-depressants for a while, but thankfully have got myself off them.  It's the trust that I can't push through, I know everyone says 2-4 years, but you hope for improvement, and it's jolly hard to see it most of the time, despite this man doing everything he can to show his remorse, and stick this horribleness out, and he so very obviously loves me.  I never knew it would be this hard.  I have asked him to leave in the past, not for me, but because this is so hard on him, too.  There is stuff from my past that I know has affected me now, that I wasn't as affected by at the time.  I just live one day at a time, and try to be the best me I can be, and I deeply appreciate the good times in life, and notice the small pleasures.  I hope all out there in this same hell, are getting better faster than I am, and that this too shall pass.

    Sat 29, Jan 2011 at 6:49am
  • User-anonymous James Flag

    Dear Anonymous,  Thank you for contributing to this discussion and sharing your experiences.  You have been deeply hurt and has been in distress emotionally.  It is true that it takes a long time to recover from a broken trust in a relationship.  But it is good to see that you are taking a positive look and trying your best to move forward.  Please remember that if you are desperately low and in need to talk to someone you can contact 'Careline' on 0845 122 8622 or 'Samaritans' on 0845 790 9090.  Best wishes

    Sat 29, Jan 2011 at 4:32pm

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