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Feeling Rejected
My partner & I got together a couple of years ago. We're both out of bad marriages and finding each other has been an absolute delight We're both in our 40s. We're virtually inseparable and needless to say our sex life up until recently has been brilliant. It's probably fair to say that I had a higher drive than her already high one but I sometimes suffer from performance anxiety in as much that I find it hard to ejaculate. In these instances, I would finish off by masturbating, often with her help ( :) ). There were other times when she was too tired or at the time not interested when I was or had to get up maybe, then again I might masturbate. She doesn't achieve orgasm by penetrative sex but rather by cunnilingus, which I am more than happy to give but again sometimes she might not be in the mood. With penetrative sex, she gets to a euphoric state, which she enjoys.
I came back from a few days away with (my family) & we made love that week virtually every night. She then was tired and stressed with work and nothing happened for a few days. Then I got the impression she was avoiding me. I had to go away again and the night before I asked her what the problem was and she said that there was something that had been for a while but she didn't elaborate. We parted feeling sad. The night I came back, she was happy to see me (not as much as usual) and just before we went to sleep, told me that she was no longer interested in having a sexual relationship with me, that I was more interested in masturbating and not in paying attention to her and that she saw me more now as an old friend and no longer a lover. She'd realised this some time back but hadn't thought/forgotten to discuss it with me. She still loves me and wants to continue the relationship though (as far as I understand).
Since then, she has been cuddly and reasonably flirty as before. She's quite happy to kiss and fondle me, indeed seems quite amourous & sexual inuendo/chat still happens. For my part I can kiss and fondle her breasts/bum but as soon as I make any move anywhere else, then I am firmly rejected, hand pushed away and once when I put my hand back, was told I was annoying. The couple of times I've dragged up the courage to ask her about it, she's not replied.
I love this woman to pieces but I am feeling very much rejected. She has come to the conclusion that she no longer wants to make love - with me only or just at all I'm not entirely sure - that she no longer fancies me but is quite happy to fondle me, receive affection from me, give it back etc but I've had absolutely no consultation in this process. I truly love this woman and fancy her very much, she is sexy and turns me on and I much prefer making love to her than to my hand, believe me.
Problem is that, as above, I feel rejected and I don't think I want a non (full) sexual relationship with her. I'm not the sort of person to force myself on someone and I only want it if she really wants to give herself to me, not because I want it. What can I do? Any advice welcome as its doing my head in at the moment.
Thanks
Comments
Hiya seems you are getting mixed signals, I think u need to take the pressure off and concentrate on your non sexuall relationship for the moment and see if you can get Her to come to u for sex, a non pressured talk or counselling might be helpful good luck
I personally think straight talking is the only answer.If she doesn't see you as a lover why is she letting you touch certain areas.It doesnt make sense.And you don't just go from lots of sex to zero ; its a gradual thing.Ask her straight why ?
I think you're right nicnic, though I'm frightened for the answer I guess. The last couple of days we've been very affectionate as in kisses/cuddles and she's quite happy to grope me and initiates it. I've not "pushed it" as it were but yesterday morning she seemed to allow me to rub her. During the day she was "cant wait to see you" etc and once we got to bed last night she grabbed me, played with me a while then rolled onto her back with her legs apart. I naturally went with her and ran my hand over her, with the intention of guaging her reaction. I found that she had shaved, which she hasn't done for a long time and usually only as a result of a request of mine. She didn't seem to mind me rubbing her, then rolled onto her front, still with her legs apart. I carried on. I made a move to go down on her and she said "don't try anything funny" (??) but didn't stop me. So I spent a happy time down there and she rolled over on her back again, so I continued. After a good while she just said "nothings happening" and it was like, that's it, no point carrying on. She says she felt absolutely nothing. There's no point pushing it so lights out and try to get to sleep.
Sure, perhaps my technique was not up to par last night and perhaps she wasn't in the mood but I had the distinct impression she initiated it deliberately and didn't make any attempt to stop me. She played with me a bit but otherwise lay there. I couldn't see her face obviously so I don't know what expression she may have had. But she didn't let me down gently either! She didn't seem to want to talk about it either.
So, is she playing games with me? Trying to make me feel bad for seemingly preferring masturbating to sex with her? (See first post). She's certainly succeeded there but I don't know why I should be feeling that. She says she loves me, is affectionate, makes advances and comments but last week said that she no longer sees me in a sexual way, rather more like an old friend. Or is it a genuine thing that she has suddenly completely lost her libido and is just seeing if she can re-kindle it herself. In which case she should be asking for my help in understanding and working it through not rejecting me. But the information that I have at the moment is that she doesn't find me attractive any longer, certainly not in a sexual way and that she has no desires herself. So not only am I being rejected, she doesn't fancy me either.
We do need to talk but I'm not a confident person, especially in confrontational situations and it will just end up my fault (yeah, I know all women have the capability of doing that to men!). But I also have to consider that she doesn't fancy me or want me sexually any more and that I would need to make a decision as to whether to accept that or not going forward. I don't think I can :(