Fancying someone else
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9 September 2008 @ 14:15
I'm married and want to keep my relationship going but there is someone who I fancy. I havent done nothing with her but we do flirt and I do enjoy her company. Sometimes i find it difficult to not kiss her but I honestly haven't done so. is this flirting being unfaithful to my wife or mean I'm having an affair? I have known this girl for about 8 years and nothing's happend and she is happily married too. I like this flirting cos I don't do this with my wife now. is this ok?
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hopefully since your last post original poster things have got better (or have not got worse) if they are no better then hold on it sounds as though this is worth hanging onto as hard as things may be. fancying someone else as you ommited urself is a sign that there are weakness's in the realtionship that need to be repaired.i would have said that you should tell your wife the truth and as hard as it is for her to hear at least you can both move forward. i wud rather my partner tell me he is having feelings for another as hurtfull as it wud be , than him struggle with it alone (i say struggle as i no he would feel terribly guilty) and then make a mistake that cant be gone back on. unless things have settled down with the other woman then tell your wife about the kiss because it means you cannot go on to do anything futher to hurt her with it out in the open. i would reccomend telling her either way. it is your desicion though. but if you havent already tell her the truth about the other woman as kindly as you can. you notice i say other woman as it is no longer just a friendship if even though it was before. if you were single it would be fine , but it is not the case. think about who is more important her or your wife? would you give up/ or cud you give up your wife for her without a flicker of regret? and not involving the children just yourself as a human being? if the answers no, then you need to put your wife 1st. it sound as though its hard to be a couple and find time together. but not meaning to sound rude you have found time to spend with this other woman even to be in tempting situations so you must be able to find time pockets for your wife. and remember what you love about her and how she made you feel like this other woman does, in the first place. y not when the days arise you find time together write it down or note it into a diary/ note book how it felt, it dosent have to be a novel just facts and/or put smiley faces for how happy u felt that day on scale 1-10 just being alone and rediscovering each other. sounds silly the smiley faces but does work as you can see at a glance how things stand. if they haven't already really hope thing's work out for you both and children. take care.
FLIRTING IS LIKE FOREPLAY ...........IT'S NOT ALRIGHT RELIGHT THE FIRE WITH YOUR WIFE, YOUR BEST FRIEND, YOUR SOUL MATE THE WOMAN YOU MARRIED AND SHARE SO MANY GOOD / BAD SAD AND HAPPY TIMES WITH ......
You have come this far so don't give up. Could you have an arrangement where you look after your friends kids in return they look after yours, if this is possible, so that you get a break, even if it is just a day at the seaside to blow away the cobwebs. Get the diary out and put dates in of what you are both up to then you get a general picture of how much/little time is spent on things. Draw a pie chart and look at percentages of time spent on everything at present (divide up into family time, couple time, work, socialising, hobbies) and then both think about how you could increase the percentages. Try and think creatively about possible solutions, could you get financial assistance with carers allowance so that you can get breaks? I'm not really great with this as my life is not as I would like it to be, but good luck. You've been honest enough to admit your issues and it sounds like you are still open to really making things work with your wife - you said you spent 3 days alone and it was fantastic. Hold on to that and I really wish you all the best.
Dear Anonymous,
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I will try to have a frank chat but sometimes even that is so difficult. A typical week would involve us being in for only one or two nights together - she needs her sports to keep her mentally sane from all the other pressures of being a parent and one that involves challenging times. When we do stay in, we're often both too knackered to do anything but watch tv. It seems that work, money, being a parent, having a disabled child really come first (and why shouldn't they) and we don't often have any energy left to invest in ourselves. Earlier in the year, for the first time in 8 years, we spent three days together alone and it was fantastic - really reminded me of what things used to be like - listening to each other, talking to each other etc. I'm clinging on to that to remind me there is a future - when I try to make suggestions about even a night away, there's always a reluctance as she (and to me to an extent) think that we can't ask anyone to help out because we often have to ask people at late notice if an emergency crops up. To me, we take about 5 hours to get used to being with other again and if we'd ever gone out for 2 hours we kind of don't know what to say? We're in a rut and I don't wann do what my parents did and separate but sometimes I think I should just do it, and perhaps all would be better off?
Dear Anonymous, You and your wife have had a difficult few years by the sound of it. It's not surprising that you've not had much time to spend alone together. Can you possibly approach her and ask if you could have a frank discussion together about how you are both feeling at the present time? Perhaps she too is feeling frustrated and bewildered at the way things are going. Have a look at some of the material on this site relating to bringing up children together; you might find some useful ideas. There are also some useful exercises in the Work it Out section which could help you to begin to get on better together. Have you considered asking your GP whether there is any chance of some respite care for your disabled child, even if it's just an hour or two, so that you can go out of the house together occasionally? Keep in touch and let us know how things develop - we'll keep trying to help you and your family.
Original poster - just read all the comments and even though most people think I'm an idiot I have taken some good advice. After that one kiss, nothing else has happened. It really is not so much that I'm attracted to her but I'm not sure I feel attracted to my wife either. Me and my wife have loads of history together and shared many good and chellnging expereinces (raising a disabled child). The spark seems to have gone (or very close to going) - we hardly talk, kiss, make love or spend quality time together. I sometimes wonder whether I'd rather come home and talk for 10 minutes or go out with someone else. I've been interested in being with other women (in a flirting way) which tells me the problem lies at home and I'm now determined to work on this to make it better - I know babysitters, weekends away etc. but we're skint, have no grandparents living near us and a disabled child. It just feels as if we're stuck. What can I do to get us back on track?
Personally I dont see what is wrong in your flirting only if it only that! do not get emotionally attached to this girl as you will get hurt. You say she is married but you dont say if she is happy. If she is the stay away and make it just flirting. Flirting is natural just make sure you know were you stand before any moves are made on your part.
If i ever found out my husband was flirting with another woman i'd break it off right there, fighting myself not to break him. you have children but you think its alright to flirt with another woman? what would your children think? If you have a daughter how would you feel if her boyfriend was doing that to her? or found out your father was doing it to your mother?
u mustn't love her enough to be getin atracted to another woman to THEN end up kissing. to end up kissin means thre was no resistance.
tell your wife before she finds out, its worse if she does because then it shows that your not only keeping secrets from her, your lying too.
what you did was cheat. no matter how you look at it.
I think some people are so moral about their relationships and they are not allowing to themselves to think about the relaity. Loads of people re-marry from a starting point of having an affair and also kids do better when riased in s single family or new step-family than being in the constant firing line of parents arguing. All the 'just stop it advice' and anger about people's own relationships are not relavnt to this poster. Ok, he's kissed her once, not since, and although that was abig mistake all he's doin is flirting a bit? Doesn't anyone else have an innocent flirt but still ove their wife?
i agree witht the person above.
i havent ever done anythin even flirt with other girls because i would never want to loose my gf and i think if she was flirtin with someone id be a mess so no its not right to do so especially if ur happy jus need to light the fire back up in ur relationship to get this buzz ur gettin!
I think what you need to ask yourself two things:
1. Would you be ok if your wife was doing what you are doing?
2. Would you act the same way as you are doing if your wife was there?
If the answer to one or both or these is no, then you need to stop.
Honesty is required. Honesty with yourself. If you are a grown person, reponsible for your self, I do not advise you to tell your wife - it will only hurt her. But, I do advise you to behave honorably. Either work to make your marriage better, or end it and move on.
You may enjoy the other woman's attention - but you are being played. Thought precedes action. Quit it. Fid what is missing in your relationship with your wife and create that pleasure with her.
I don't just understand why some of the comments above are so harsh. Beleive me mr post that people feeling like you do does happen and you are not abnormal. Having said that, may be talk to your wife or work out what's gone wrong - I know from having chidlren meself that things can go down hill. Work out whether you want an affir or whether you want out of your marriage. An affir is only short-term and will be damaging to you famly. I had a similar situation liek you but my affair turned into a re-marriage and now i'm really happy - thats not saying this is what you should do. if you still ove your wife and can see a future start putting more effort in
flirting is NOT an affair....that is a rediculous statment! the original poster hasnt done ne thing except kiss someone.. do not ruin ur marraige ova a kiss... as a wife i would not apprieciate being told about JUST a kiss.. you havent done ne thing wrong..yet. whether u choose to or not is a different thing.. but please do not upset her for sommat as trivial as a kiss...
oh and ihope ur not taking too much notice of some of the comments on here...they seem to be very negative.. hope u make the right decision for u..
nic.
flirting is an affair! it may not mean that for you. but ask yourself this: do you enjoy her company so much that if she led you on, one thing WOULD lead to another? if yes...then you ARE heading for a disaster. Stay away from her before its too late...
My advice would be to talk to your wife and face the consequences of your actions, surely it would be better to hear it from you than second-hand? You never know if the other woman may even spill the beans and then what? Surely if you've known this woman for 8 years your wife has too?
eh u guys are darm sick.............y cnt u guys just leave the woman alone???????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! wat have we done 2 u till u do this 2 us?????????!!!!!!!!!!!
I totally agree with the above post, im 22 years old and thanks to my partner i am just so lost because of his actions. HIS needs to feel excited and wanted. Not once did he think about HIS SON or me for that matter!! the lamest excuse was that he was drunk! not too drunk that he carried it on for 2 months and when i confronted her (which may happen!) her excuse was that SHE needed somone! so im so sorry if im being blunt, but between them they have destroyed one relationship, two friendships, and a little boy lost his daddy because mummy doesnt trust him enough anymore...The fact that IF your wife ever found out, would destroy your marriage, from what i can gather you have a child/childern, so GROW UP!!! im passed feeling sorry for the idiots that made a 'mistake' - a mistake is a one off not when your going back for more!! harsh maybe, but when your (anyone in general) destroying lives you need to wake up and top being so god damn selfish, immature and inconsiderate. If you have problems in your marriage then get some backbone and BE A MAN! talk to your wife, but please dont come on here to ask for advice and then just totally ignore the advise given because its not what you want to hear! some may disagree and think im being unfair, but coming from a person that has been EXTREEMLY HURT because the man she planning a wedding with got 'bored', the same man that pursuaded her to have a baby in the first place. So yes i am bitter and confused because a guy (like you) broke my heart everywhich way possible... as all he thought about was himself!!!
Do you actually understand the feelings that you wife will probably go through because you wanted to be 'CONNECTED' with this woman that is in NO way a real friend, if she was she wouldn't let you destroy lives like you are: Anger, hate, resentment, confusion, devistation, betrayal ontop of loosing self confidence, trust issues, insecurities, AND THATS JUST YOUR WIFE!!! what about your child/children??????
I hope now you can justify the affair?? I hope you finally see what it is your looking for.. and i actually hope you find it... because i sure as hell feel sorry for your family!
My husband redently done a very similar thing to you - we are married with three children and had a great life before all this hapened. All i can say is you complete idiot. You have no idea the hurt you have just caused and what you have just destroyed. Trust is the making of a good marriage and a happy life. You need to take responsibility for your actions, grow up and stop thinking about yourself.
this 'friend', what good is ever gonna come, your gonna have a few kisses every now and then? Is that worth riskin your marriage for? My advice, dont have anything to do with her, remove yourself from temptation and be a good boy, for other peoples sakes :) PS. i do think people have been a bit harsh on here but thats nowt compared to what your wifes gonna say if she finds out you been having an affair. Put your time and energy into your wife instead, shes prob fed up as well but doesnt sound like shes off cheatin
I'm not sure what the issue is here really - is this bloke cheating in the sense that if everyone tells him to be stupid, not honest etc and to be blamed for his actions. I don't think this situation can be solved this way - I don't think he's gonna sit down and think yes I'bve been an idiot, what am i doing etc? Perhaps ths issue is more working out whether he wants to be with his wife, if so how can things imporve but, if not, how to go about moving on whilst not damaging others around him. People splitting up is common and I would reckon many start like his expereince. Satying dont do it may not be wnough here. I think it's so easy to blame him but maybe we are missing the point
People on here are not selfrightous they are probably people that have been hurt in the past and thats why they are commenting on this thread the way they are.
We are not the only living creature on this planet that thinks we should only ever have one partner, may i remind you that swans mate for life! But saying that I agree with you on one thing that people do change but its how you deal with that change is what shapes you. Everyone thinks that the grass could be greener but it takes a better person to say maybe its not.
well i think all you responses are pretty horrible this guy is asking for advice admitedly he didnt take it and went that bit futher . I think if you were happy with your wife then you wouldnt be doing what your doing however your the only one that can make your decisions. we all make mistakes. I understand the excitement that this other women gives its fun and scary, naughty but nice. but you really should try and make a decision as to what you want and if it is to stay with your wife then you must put in everything you've got into getting it back on track like the previous poster said weekends away etc.
I'm not married myself and recently seperated from a 10 year relationship not due to having affairs. Im not a believer in marriage, we must be the only living creature on this planet that thinks we should only ever have one partner and stick with that for the rest of your days whether they are good or bad, and thats great if thats want and you can live by your vows no matter what. but you do only get one life. people change lives change everything changes and thats life. I think some of the responses are from very selfrightous people, have they never looked or thought about someone of the opposite sex. i think not.
Perhaps think about what you once had with your wife and do you think you could ever get that back, do you want to get it back. I wish you luck in making your decision.
YOU CAN NEVER TAKE IT BACK. ONLY A LOSER WOULD GO THERE.
Man...
I dont think that its right although you say your mates of bout what 8years it still doesnt mean nothing could or would happen...sometimes the smallest most innocent sittuations can lead to a devastating hurtful ending!! And i doubt you want that..
I take it your a little bored with the way things are with your wife because yer settled and comfortable..but come on like..spice it up a little..go for weekends away or if you cant afford that why not have get loads of things in at home and have a weekend indoors together just ye ALONE no kids or anything if you have any! You can still flirt with your wife send her flirty emails or texts and pictures..flirting can be innocent, but in fairness like think about your wife and how she'd feel..you dont say your NOT happy so it seems youve got a good thing going with the wife..DONT SPOIL IT OKAY!:) As for wanting to kiss this woman!!! Not acceptable kiss your wife instead mate!Trust me dont let someody spoil you marriage you could end up one sorry sorry man if it led to more than a kiss...
Good Luck
x
Nothing can excuse infidelity no matter what way you dress it up.
try and look at this another way - I see this person as a bit confused. Let's get real here, marriages do suffer now and again and people do have affairs. I was married, since divorced and now living with a new woman - me, my partner, my ex-wife and her new husband and my children (who now do not sure arguments all the time) are all better off as a result. I agree that he should be honest with his wife but in reality thhat can be tricky if he's not sure which way to go. I would like to hear what others think about this view
Your some piece of work, basically your saying blame the game not the player, your totally at fault here, you owe it to your wife to be honest with her, do something right for a change, the only reason you wont tell her is cos you know that she would probably kick you out, its nothing to do with putting the guilt on her shoulders, your just worried you will lose everything and so you should. When you married your wife, did it say in your VOWS that you were to forsake all others apart from CONNECTED FRIENDS! What does that mean anyway?
I believe in what goes around, comes around.
Your right, we shouldnt blame you for your actions. How callous are we! I know we should blame your wife for your actions, after all she knows nothing about it. No no, we should blame this other woman for your actions, as she is beholden to your wife! Oh, how about we blame your parents. They taught you what was right and wrong and your actions are not wrong. Opps, yes they are cos you feel guilt for your actions. Your wife would blame you as it was your choice. This other woman would blame you for encouraging her. And i am pretty sure your parents would not be happy you placed the blame on them. You get 4 replies from your original post and they were clearly not what your expected to hear, and it shows from your responce to them. Then 2 more before you kissed her. Then 7 more cos people were blaming you. Oh how my heart bleeds!!!!!
Poster again - Thanks for the comments - I do think it's easy to say 'stop' and blame me for my actions. The advise has been used and i am taking time out. I saw her again the other night in a big group of mates and she asked me to walk her home but I said no and had all your words in my head. It's not easy to talk to people about this but on the website its easier. Please don't blame me though cos I don't deliberately go out to screw things up. I still don't know whether to tell my wofe though - if nothing else happens am I just putting my guilt on her shoulders?
I feel for you. im in a similar situation. Although im sure you and this women both want more maybe not long term but I think you know what i mean. However if you were really happy in your relationship with your wife then you wouldnt be doing what your doing. maybe take some time out from both sides to find out where your heart lies.
Good luck
i have just found out my husband went out for a drink with a woman, found out the next day before it went any further, says they didn't have sex, but to me theres not much difference, he went out with her thats enough, we haven't been getting on that great for ages and not had sex, 2 young kids, i packed his bags but hes devastated and says he now knows what he would lose and says it was a one off - she pursued him and he wouldn't let it happen again, i've told all my family you can imagine what theyre saying, theyre right but i feel maybe we should try for the kids
Your a complete dickhead. I've just found out my wife has been having an affair. She says she's only had sex with him once recently but they have been having text sex since march. At the time she has said she didn't think this was having an affair but she says she does now. We have a young daughter that i have to consider and I don't know what to do my head is so mixed up. I do know that i would not like to be i n your shoes if her husband found out. You need to do one of two things end it with your wife or if you want to stay together you need to tell her right now, the only way you have any chance of saving your marriage now is telling her before she finds out......so stop reading and go and do it.
Affairs destroy so many lives. The hurt you feel when you find out your whole life is a lie.
Try and think of it like this. 'Did you know your wife is having an affair?' Can you even consider how YOU would react if she were? 'She has been really warm to you lately, she couldn't be!' How would YOU feel if you caught HER just kissing another man? Would you really believe it hadn't gone further than a kiss? Would YOU belive a story like 'We are just CONNECTED FRIENDS!!! I have never heard so much bo****ks in all my life. You will be found out. Stories always get bigger and by the time it gets to your wife, you will have a home set up already with her! You are trying to glorify your affair with this other player in your little game. How can you look to somewhere wanting a round of applause?
Bro - this is decision time. What do you REALLY want? Fun of flirting with your connected friend or to keep your wife and kids?Your connected friend is playing games ( whether she knows it or not) all this 'connected' stuff.Yeah you can get in deep now and you can choose not to. Your choice mate.
Don't go there. My husband has been having an affair with my friend for the last 5 months and I found out. It has caused so much hurt to myself, my husband, my children, my parents, my mother in law, my friends, I could go on. My husband is so torn up about it all and doesn't know which way to go now. He also said that he felt we were getting on better since he started this affair, like you said. Believe me she will find out and there will be hell to pay. DON'T GO ANY FURTHER.
Your actions are of a very selfish person!
You have overstepped the mark and destroyed the connection you had with your wife. Why can't people like you just leave your wife and children? They would be happier without you. You have destroyed so much. Trust, love, support and the list could go on.....
You will be found out and you will definately realise what you have lost....good luck you are going to need it!
It's the original post person again - things have been getting heavy between me and her recently and we kissed last night. She wants to be a 'connected' friend and still wants to stick by her hubby. I enjoyed her comfort and strangely felt less tense with my wife than normal today. Can we really be 'connected' freinds and kiss every now and again or am I getting in too deep. I don't want to lose her as a frieind and if I admit it I enjoy her company - but I love my wife and kids too!!!
I dunno - is there any harm done? Why is flirting a crime? If all are happy and nothin's goin down then I say fair play
yes it could be alright but you must talk too your wife and let her know what going on she will either under stand you if your marriage is stronge and there are feeling between you both but you must remember it is not going to be easy for your wife to hear Give!!!!! it a go it can only go one or the way
I've made it clear wear we stand and although we see each other evry month nothing has happened between us and I'm sure it wont, just wanted to know if flirting an nothin else was ok. thanx for advise.
dangrous stuff. Alright fancying someone keeps you on your toes but know the risk.I nearly losy me partner cos I thought i could handle it.the girl i fancyed started to come on strong with texts and my partner found out. She said she can't trust me and you know what i think she's right.not sure i can trust myself but sure don't want the other girl.i cant go back but you can stop it happning to you mate.
I am not sure if there is anything wrong with what you are doing / feeling, really. I do not believe that there is only one match for us. After all, the world is so huge that it would be sad to think that you would end up meeting the only person who suits you.
I think it is only natural that you will find other people who you will fancy. Also, I do believe that enjoying that feeling for a little while and realising that, even that person, is not perfect, will only strengthen your relationship.
I am not suggesting though that you seek these flirting "activities" and specially not suggesting that you move on to the next step (and affair).
Just don't feel bad about yourself and, as the last person mentioned, it may be worth discussing this with your wife. She may want to start the whole flirting thing again ;-)
Flirting seems to mean a lot of different things to different people and I can't guess what it means to you but it seems really sad that you don't do it with your wife any more. Whose choice is that? Yours or hers? If it's yours then perhaps you need to think more about what you want from your marriage. If it's hers then she needs to understand how important it is to you and how tempting it is to look elsewhere. If nothing else you'll find out what 'faithfulness' means to her and that might answer some of your qyestions. I guess you might not like the answer!
Hey - smack yerself around the head for me and wake up from your fantasy!!!
Keep away from the fire dude - you'll burn yerself and your wife..