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Controlled
I'm 58, male and been married for over 28 years during which time I have experienced many of the symptoms described as 'controlling behaviours' on this website. This has led to constant rowing. Generally speaking I'm fairly easy going and will try to avoid confrontation but my wife just goads me until the cork pops. I'm not proud to admit that when the red mist comes down I can be childish, with lots of screaming and shouting. It's frustrating because I know that once I start shouting I've already lost the argument. A typical situation that has occured many times is: I would come in from work (I was a senior HR Adviser before I retired) feeling like I just wanted to relax.
She: "What's wrong with your face?"
Me: "Nothing, I'm just tired after a hard day at the office"
She will then keep on at me insisting that there must be something wrong and then the abuse would start. "You always do this, you never do that etc. I would try to ignore it, even retreat to a different room but she would follow me and keep up the tirade. Then the cork would pop and I would slip into the childish mode with name calling and another row would ensue. Over the years I've put up with being belittled, compared unfavourably with others; "So and so does this, that and lots of other things but you're just a Council worker." I took voluntary redundancy / early retirement last year which enabled us to pay off the mortgage etc and still have a sizeable sum of money in the bank. From the start she kept telling me about others who's marriage has ended up in divorce after he retired and she seems to have focused on that ever since until it's reached the point where it's very probably going to happen. Over the years I've tried many times to discuss differences to find a new way forward. As an HR Adviser I've been trained in counselling, conflict resolution and similar skills but none of that works with my wife. Whereas I'm always willing to listen to the other person and compromise if necessary to reach middle ground my wife has only one point of view: Her way or prepare for another row. She is extremely volatile and I'm always wondering when she will kick off next. Everything is my fault. I could be at the far end of the country and she would find some way to say that some mishap was my fault. It's reached the stage where I dread coming home or when she's out I dread her returning. If we split up now I'll be left with virtually nothing. She expects me to move out and leave the house to her. It's got where I feel I'd rather live in destitution than spend the rest of my days treading on egg shells.
I willingly admit I'm no angel and that during rows I've said things that I regret and which could equally be viewed as abuse depending on the context. In my defence I have to say that my poor behaviour is in response to her continual attacks. I don't set out to cause arguments! I'm totally opposed to violence though and would never resort to physical abuse
Comments
Anon, I am interested in your post because you have thrown up several points which describe your current relationship. After 28 years of marriage and following on from your early retirement, no doubt you are now having time to reflect on your situation because you now have the free time to do so.
Even though you have been trained in counselling, conflict resolution and similar skills it is often difficult to bring this into your own relationship when 'all hell is breaking out'. You also admit that you are no angel either so you have recognised that there are two sides to every story. I am wondering why you have put up with this behaviour for so long and have you and your wife thought about couple counselling to help you both look at your relationshhip and see how you can repair your relationship or seperate in an amicable fashion. MarriageCare.org.uk and Relate.org.uk both offer couple counselling.
I am also wondering if your relationship has always been like this or were there times when life went well for you both? It is often difficult to respond to our partners in a calm way, when someone is shouting at you but it is a good starting point and may cause your partner to adapt their behaviour. If you think it is too far down the line maybe counselling and an amicable separation may be the only answer.
This site can be very supportive and the community will often offer their own experiences of life which may help you get your relationship in perspective and also encourage you to take the steps you need to keep you safe and okay. It may also be a good move to check out your own position if you move out of the house. No doubt you have both invested in your house and I am sure The Citizens Advice Bureau (CAB) will be able to offer you advice.
Apologies if this all seems to be about taking action and doing stuff but sometimes having things to do and really thinking about what you what want, if anything from this realtionship, is a good place to start. I wish you well and please keep in touch so the community can support you.
I get the impression from your post that you feel in a no-win situation?
I also get the impression that your wife knows which buttons to push to get you on the back-foot.
When at work, I expect you were calm, cool, and collected, and in control of yourself and the situations you found your-self in?
But when at home, you get knocked clean off your perch by your other half.
My guess is that your wife could have low self-esteem, maybe she gets bored and frustrated when at home, or perhaps she's just plain neurotic?
In TA terms, it sounds as if she has a hyperactive child within her personality who likes a good scrap, and if you don't want to play, then she'll keep working to hook your 'child' in until she triggers the interaction she's looking for.
If you go into parent mode, as maybe you did at work, she's going to rebel even more, and kick the .... out of your good intentions?
If she wants conflict, she's going to have conflict, and woe betide anyone who tries to deny her?
I think the question to be asked is: 'What does she want from you?'
Does she want more passion; a greater sense of contact maybe; perhaps a more emotional response and less rational communication, or does she just like kicking the .... out of you for the pure hell of it?
Think back to when you first met, were you attracted by her slightly immature ways? Were you perhaps a calming influence for her, and did she perhaps have a wild streak that made your heart flutter?
If she has always been the way she is now, but the dynamic between you has become more negative than positive, then to be honest, I doubt that anything much will change. If you give her an ultimatum along the lines of "change or I go", she might give up the power she has used to cut you down with over the years, or she may be unable to let go and refuse to renegotiate the power balance with you.
Counselling might help if she's able to engage with it, but I see counselling as a form of self-help, rather than a treatment that fixes people.
If she wants to carry on playing the same old game, and you don't, why not sell the house so that you can both buy a cheaper property?
Or split the house into two separate flats, so that you can get on with leading a more positive life?
If you have some DIY skills, perhaps it could be a project to take your mind off the domestic upsets?
If there is any hope of her changing, then maybe once she sees that you are serious about ending the game, she will think harder about making changes.
There is a book that you might find interesting if you haven’t seen it already, it’s written by a psychotherapists and it contains short accounts re some of her clients who were faced by dilemma’s over whether to stay or to leave their partners. One of the accounts involves a counsellor who found it hard to decide because they felt they should be able to fix the relationship.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Too-Good-Leave-Bad-Stay/dp/0718141776
I don't think it's ever too late to start again if you are in a miserable relationship.
Just tell yourself that you are only human, and that you can't fix everything, and that having worked all your life you are entitled to some happy years now.
Sky