Broken up/On a break with boyfriend...potential to get back together?
Hi there,
My situation is very confusing and could really use some help and perspective to see what's going on.
I started university over a year ago now, and met possibly the most amazing unique guy I have ever met in my life. From a physical point of view we hit it off straight away but he always wanted to take things slowly which was great and fine. We got to know each other so well and I honestly have had the most amazing year of my life with him.
He is 2 years older than me, and has been in a long term relationship before, for 3 years and was heartbroken when she finished with him. They travelled the world etc.and since they broke up a year before he met me, I was the only girl he'd ever been close to at all.
He did so much for me, I thought that we were truly meant to be together. I was ill in hospital and he stayed with me for 4 days and 4 nights. Throughout a lot of my illness last year, he was always there, no matter what he had to do (he's an insanely busy guy constantly, has a lot of responsibility) He was the only guy I've introduced to my family, and they all loved him. He introduced me to his family too, and told me that compared to his Ex, his dad really liked me and that was a big deal. This was a particularly big deal for me because of my Indian background. He even came to stay at my house for a week (he lives abroad, so doesn't have a "home" per-se in the UK) We had the most amazing relationship and wouldn't go more than a few hours without talking to each other in a day...he would tell me how much he missed me and how much he needed me in his life, which felt completely true and after a long while apart, I missed him more than I could possibly imagine.
Over the summer, I was working in America and we had an argument on the phone about him not calling for a few days...which was admittedly wrong in the heat of the moment, but this was a very heated argument. I apologised and told him how much he meant to me, but we still spent a vast amount of that conversation arguing. After a year, at this point, I decided to tell him that I think I was falling in love with him. This wasn't the right thing to say at this time as he was on a plane to go back home and reacted by saying "yes i know lets speak about it later" - I was so delirous and asked him again and again to which he said yes I feel the same but let's not speak about it now. The following day I sent a lengthy apology and over the next month wanted to talk about things and move on from our argument but he kept saying he wanted time to think. Every time we spoke in that month (probably 2/3 times) it resulted in an argument about how we needed space. I decided to wait until the start of October to broach the subject again and then I rang him one night drunkenly at 3am to tell him how much I missed him and needed him. The following day, we spoke and he told me how he couldn't be in a relationship so deep at the moment and that he wanted to take this slowly and couldn't understand why I didn't see that.. I said I wanted to make things work but he said he didn't know if I had feelings for me anymore and decided we were better off as friends for now, and to see what happens following this.
After speaking to a few friends, they think that he's scared by the commitment and even though we said we would take it "slowly" he was insistent on meeting my parents and things did move fairly quickly in this time. However both his friends and my friends agree that he is making a mistake and will realise in time that we are so good together and it's not worth losing. I realise now that by telling him I loved him in that particular context was definitely a wrong move and I did apologise for this to him directly but think that scared him off also...when I look at how much his ex hurt him after he gave her absolutely everything, I can understand why he's probably held back ever so slightly when it came to us. That and the fact that I'm a girl and we make everything more emotional anyway... it's generally acknowledged.
This was just over a month ago. We spoke about it again recently on the phone and said that if we still both felt we had made a mistake, that in the new year we would talk about things again but until then we should just get on as friends and see.
I know the whole situation seems completely ridiculous, but from having been in a long-ish term relationship before (8 months) I can truly say I have never connected with someone on so many levels as him. He means the absolute world to me and the thought of not having him around is so hard to handle. I am finding it hard to go to being friends and have had to block him out of my life for the moment. It's his birthday in little under 3 weeks and I don't know how to respond to that either (thoughts on this would be much appreciated, I had bought him headphones before we broke up but don't feel I should give them to him anymore...).
He is, as I mentioned, a really really busy guy. He get's very stressed very easily and is graduating this year. He runs lots of different clubs/societies and has a lot on his plate at the moment which I fully understand. Usually I help him deal with this but now I feel like he's pushing me away to deal with it all. I'm really not sure what to make of it all, or whether he still has feelings for me. I doubt he would have said we'll talk about things in a few months, if he didn't truly mean it. He's not the kind of guy to mess me about, like I said he is the most amazing man...I would never dream of putting myself on hold for anyone but him. With him it just feels completely different and I genuinely know that I will never meet anyone quite like him ever again. I hate to jump the gun, but he's exactly the kind of guy I would want to be with for a much longer period of time, just because to me he is perfect, despite how badly he is handling this situation.
I miss him so much and cannot understand how he doesn't miss me either. To talk about things in a few months is a step I'm willing to take, I sincerely believe he is the one for me at the moment and that we have so much to still give each other. Is it right for me to hope that we could still have a future together? I'm trying to leave it in the hands of fate, cause ultimately I know that's the only thing that is going to determine whether we are together or not...
I could go on, but I tried to keep it brief.... I really would love to hear from anyone in a similar situation and anyone who could give an objective point of view on this. Thank you so very much.
Comments
I suspect he may find the intensity of your feelings somewhat overwhelming, which might be why he is putting the breaks on things, and keeping a distance between you.
The early days of love can lead to people having idealised images of each other which contain elements of fantasy, arguments can remind people that they, and their partners, are far from perfect.
The arguments that you had may also have reminded him that there is always an element of risk in relationships, and this may have caused him to revisit the pain of his last break up, and made him more cautious than he was previously.
Whatever the cause, it does sound as if you are in different places at the moment. The only way you are going to discover why, is to have some honest and very open conversations with each other, i.e. "cards on the table".
I wonder how you feel about the intensity of your feelings?
Do you find them hard to manage, possibly even a bit frightening?
If you think about how you will cope if this relationship is not to be, what feelings come up: panic, fear, sorrow? How in control do you feel?
Can I suggest that you work on the feelings that come up when you consider the possibility of things not working out as you hope? With a good friend if possible, so that you get to hear yourself speaking the words, while also sharing the strength of your feelings with someone else.
If you can come to terms with your feelings, he will pick that up when you next talk, and it might signal to him that it is safe for him to advance a little, rather than retreating as he has been doing.
The reality is that relationships are always risky, and the more you can get to know the other person, warts and all, the better the chances of managing the highs and lows that will inevitably come along – for 99% of the population anyway.
My advice to you is to put your own brakes on how you feel about this guy, by following the suggestions as above, and then take time to get to know him better than you do now. By doing this you will also get to know more about yourself, and become more aware of how to manage your feelings when in relationships.
If it turns out that he is not the one for you, then others will come along, and you will be more the wiser for having known him.
Take care, and good luck, I wish you well.
Skywalker
Reading your post I wondered if he thought you were perfect too before you had 'the row' It is hard living up to an image of perfection...is that part of the difficulty? I remember the feeling of relief when I realised its better to be interesting than perfect.