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Boyfriend of Four years is now searching "Sex Finder" Sites
MY boyfriend and I have been dating for four years.
In the past, I found him searching a "sex friend" site on his phone. I confronted him, and through a little backtracking I found that he had never made contanct with anyone and didnt have any pictures posted blahblah. I told him this made me feel uncomfortable and after him giving his reason of " I wanted to see if anyone from my home town was posted on sites like these" I understood. I mean, I wouldnt do something like snoop around to see who I knew was feinding for sex. But hey to each his own right? I still asked him to get rid of his account. He said he did. Two years later *give or take* and I have found that he is on these sites with renewed vigor. Our sex life had been a little ..stressed.. whereas I wasnt getting enough and had complained about it. Im very sexual and am always willing to do anything. I mean anything, as long as my guy wants to try it out. I had complained, we came to the conclusion that it was stress related, and I eventually calmed down, and eased up on pressuring him. Very recently our sex life has come back to normal. And I have been elated. That little pressure at the back of my mind about our relationship was blissfully going away. But my thoughts werent totally soothed. So through a little snooping... I find out that he has created a profile on three different sites, and I have found him sending messages to women. None of them responded, but I feel really hurt. As the most sexual of the two of us... I havent even engaged in any "harmless" flirting. This was all in the past week of our recent "reconciling" sex life. I find that very strange, and hurtful ( I dont know why its hurtful? Thoughts?) that after having amazing sex, he decided to sign up for sex partner sites? Did our good body chemistry give him a little fluffing up of his "man ego" and thats what caused it?? I think its so out of his character and I cant even understand his reasoning. I want to wait and see if he would actually cheat on me, not so I can "nail" him with proof if he does, but so I can know who he truly is inside as a person, and if this really is "harmless faceless internet" flirting. Even if it is harmless flirting, I wont tolerate it. I have a lot invested in him and want to know his true self, so I dont want to just blurt it out. I know some people may think of me as being sneaky, but that isnt fair. Privacy is as easily gained by changing a password, when where trust is broken, it takes far more to mend. Sometimes finding out who a person really is, is harder than simply asking, when the person may not know who they are for themselves.
I think of myself as self aware, and through our conversations about sex-less-ness, I said, " Im fine with it now, and I will be for awhile, but I cant promise you that if this goes on for a really long time, and someone happens to catch my eye, that I wont become interested in them. But if that does happen, you have my promise that I will tell you how Im feeling before anything comes of it, and I would hope you would do the same thing." His response was " Im a person who, when something is broken and it cant be fixed, I know when to walk away from it. So yes, I would tell you"
I just dont know if I should tell him, or wait. I know for a fact that now I wont be able to act normally. Right now I feel like venting all my anger and smashing a few plates in my kitchen ahah but thats what we call self control!! :) (joking here)
I think what the most hurtful was him saying he was "spontaneous" in a profile description. That's me. That's who I am in our relationship. And because he is so against doing certain things, I have quelled that part of me because I want to be with him. And here is he.. saying he likes to be spontaneous. I know you shouldnt look into things like that because he is being a "fake person" who doesnt really exist, and if I were doing what he was doing I might say I'm a " jet setting trendy stylist" or some fucking shit who knows aahha
Really I didnt mean for this to turn into a novel, so I still hope someone will read it! I need suggestions, should I just come out with it? *he will know I was snooping....there goes my security blanket* Or should I wait? If I cant help myself from acting strange...he will notice. What should I do?
I hope someone answers soon, Id really like some advice :( Thank you for listening.
This sucks.
Comments
Hi
I know how you feel, ive been there. I met my bf online we have been together 2.5 years and now have a baby.
I found out that my bf was on loads of dating sites ( he joined them before we met) that he joined when he was withhis ex. Basically i too could write an essay but im not sure if thats what you want to hear. Ive been where you are where you think a) do i confess about what ive seen or b) keep quite.
All relationships are so different and the dynmaics within them are, i know this is snaeky but at aleast you would get your answers and it would help you move on, have you thought about setting up a fake profile and contacting him, find out what lengths he will go to to. If this is the only problem with your relationship yojat get through it, all men 'perv' on teh net and this is his way, he may have no intention of ever meeting anyone.
I know what your going through.
Thats a good idea really, and I did think about it.
Long story short- all messages where pre-made that the site supplies, you cant message unless you pay- which he didnt (if he did that would be AWHOLE other story)
I could get into it more but he was basically curious, I talk about people i know who hook up this way and he cant believe that attractive people do things like that. He never ever everrr (frustratingly so) believes anything unless he sees it himself, and during his explanation I saw that part of him coming out. He doesnt even believe in one night stands and is still iffy that I have had them in my past and that Ive had a three some before. aha Im more of a perv than him , so to me if I was going to do something like that, I would mean it. But I suppose in a nutshell it comes down to him being more innocent than me. I could really get into it more but we would be here forever :)
I guess I went into this whole long thing to say to everyone, give someone a chance before your mind runs away with its self.
If you can talk to someone about what's bothering you, DO IT. Be aware of what they are saying, and be on the look out for untruths, slip ups, and nonsensical logic.
Dont let your mind twist things to fuel what you think is truth. Be open to finding out the truth for yourself.
Stop trying to put yourself in their situation, instead try to think like THEM in their situation (did that make sense?)
People are naturally curious and you cant blame someone for being human.
Sometimes, when feelings are hurt, some people get a "holier than thou" attuidude in order to justify why they are feeling hurt.
Remember that the person you are with is still human, and no one is perfect.
Maisey-I hope things are working out for you. :)