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Arguments, bad news, depression, and blame
Hi there, hoping you can hellp please!!??
Me and my boyfriend have been together just over 3 months. We told each other we loved each other within the first 2 weeks, and it has felt like a whirlwind. We have progressed with things very quickly, and were both very lovey dovey. We did know each other a little bit before dating, but not hugely well.
Now, we seem to argue a lot. We had a chat about it, and decided that we are seeing too much of each other, and we should reduce it and have time to ourselves. Fine...then got to last Sunday and we had a massive argument beffore I came back up to Cardiff, where I am University. As usual it was about nothing. I do have issues with paranoia sometimes, but when I do I don't accuse. I ask 'have you noticed anyone recently', things like that...I am a lot beter than I used to be. Since the argument, my boyfriend was told that his step-dad (who was suffering cancer) has a few weeks left to live. He has now become a recluse. He doesn't want to talk to me, and says he feels angry when he thinks about me, and simply has no patience with me. I have tried to get him to talk to me about his step-dad but he refuses. He is stressed at work, and has issues with his family life. He has told me that he is struggling with emotions, and with me. He doesn't love me as much as he did, but does still love me.
I can't work out what to do. He is behaving so differently to the guy I know and love. He is not the same person, which I thought was due to his recent bad news, but he is completely cutting me out, and pushing me away. He is really grinding me down, and I don't know how to stay strong for him anymore, and the things he says to me are really cutting deep now. He just gets angry at the flip of a switch and I don't now how to calm him down anymore. Is it because of me, or because of where his head is at at the moment? Will things be different when see each other. The arguments have been fine this week, no issues, and I have been very passiv, and let things go when he has said things to me, but he is completely glazed over to this fact. He cannot see that we haven't been arguing, he can't see any good in me, or the things I do (his own words), and he deson't want to talk or see me.
What do I do? Do I insist we talk on the phone? I am going home Wednesday, do I try and talk to him then? Do I let things go, and let him jsut work it all out. do we have a break? What would a break involve? Any advice kindly received!! I don't know how to stay strong for him or us anymore. He is pushing me away, yet he loves me, yet he feels anger towards me......I'm soooooooo confused!! I just want to be there to support him with his recent bad news. I fear he may have a breakdown when the step-dad dies, and he will have pushed me away too far ( I know sopunds harsh, but can't help how you feel, by how far you've been pushed).
Thank you for your anticipated help!!!! :) X X X X
Comments
Dear Cheetah,
What a difficult situation for you - you'd like to be a support for him whilst things are difficult but he keeps rejecting you and closing you out. Sounds like he might need a bit of space to sort out what he's feeling. He probably needs a good friend to talk to, but doesn't know that! Have you thought about letting him know you really care about him, know he's going through a hard time and will be there for him when he needs you - and leave it at that? He's making it clear, from what you say, that he's finding it difficult to show any positive feelings towards you - so maybe taking a step back would help him to see how much you've been giving to him and appreciate it's value. Hard to do, but it might be worth a try. I hope it works out for you.
Hi,
Thanks for your comment, but by the time I had a chance to implementt this, he dumped me, telling me that he couldn't have a girlfriend at the moment, it wasn't me, it was him, he loved me, but wasn't sure if he was in love with me, which he later changed to he loved me, but wasn't in love with me (What does that mean)!?
I went round to his house 2 days after the breakup, with a letter, and our scrapbook...we had a wuick chat, went to his bedroom, where I watched him play a game on xbox (he always said how nice it would be to have me there whilst he was playing), his body language was angled to me, and he looked in my eyes when he spoke to me (he can't do this with anyone else for some reason). We went out to the shops, and when we came back I held his hand. He didn't flinch away, so I asked him 'come on, lets give us a go', and he got really angry, saying that he didn't think he could forget our arguments...HE JUST KEEPS GIVING ME DIFFERENT REASONS FOR ENDING IT WITH ME!!!!!! I'm getting confused by this, and DO NOT know what to do. I am currently keeping my distance, and will text him in a week to ask how his step-dad is. We were meant to be going to Cardiff for a few days mid-june...he said he would be happy to still come, as long sa i didn't push him, but I'm not sure if it is a good idea...
I truely love him, but I'm not sure if he really doesn't love me, and thus wants nothing to do with me, or he is so stressed, that he is shutting me out. I am an absolute mess weithout him, I can barely eat, cry all the time. I really miss him, but he said he doesn't crave or miss me.
What am I going to do?! e both said were the love of each other's lives!!!!!! How can that change in 2 weeks, where 10 days of those are spent apart, and he told me he missed me in that time!!!!???? x
id give him breatheing space and back off just a touch it will be hard i know but it sounds like his got alot on his plate to deal with and your relationship wont be helping his situation hun, send him a txt to let him know how much u will be there for him and how much u love him, u will be there if he needs a shoulder to cry on just offer all ur support u can try not too add anything or put about any problems ur having within ur relationship all this can come at a later date, then last but nt least. this is the hard one todo,and beleive me i know hun ur nt alone. tell him no further contact by phone or txts will come from u untill his ready,to contact u in his own time as u contacting him will only do ur head in and his, he will contact u withn a month or so im certain of it and he will be a different man one that will be greving still but more incontrol of things offer a olive branch but let him take it in his own time hope this helps good luck hun shell x
Aww!! Thanks!! I was giving him space, but my mum is now going through a very rough patch, and I let him know that she is unwell, as they always got along. We ended up texting, a lot, until I tol dhim I had been talking to a male friend that had told me i was cute whilst i was with the boyfriend. I ignored the comment, and him, until the relationship broke down, where I spoke to him a bit more. The ex HATED this, and said that he guessed we would be togehter soon, and hoped we were very happy together!! CHARMING!!!! The friend means nothing to me!! Literally. I reassured the ex of this, but asked why he was getting so annoyed about it. He couldn't or wouldn't reply about it, but did send me another text to wish me luck in my exam today...Does this mean he still cares?! CONFUSED!!!! x x