(Advice Needed) Is It Possible To Be Too Stressed For A Relationship?
Hi guys. My girlfriend of 3 years just broke up with me after a nasty argument. She forgave me for it but she said that she doesn't want a boyfriend because ever since she started studying this intense course, she hasn't been enjoying the relationship.
She said I was the best boyfriend ever until she started her post-grad course and we often talked about Marriage and moving in together, now this kind of talk doesn't interest her at all.
She called me up drunk last week daying " I love you and I miss you, please hold on for a little longer" then we got in an argument because I said it's unfair to say these things and not be with me. I met her today and she said lets be friends but didn't wanna kiss me to give me mixed messages. She does not want to be with me at all and she says the degree is what changed her.
Is it possible for her to not want to be with me just cause of the stress? She says she doesn't want me as a boyfriend right now and isn't planning on seeing anyone else at all. However we are currently on good terms
Do you guys suggest I move on and forget about her or try to be the best friend I can be for her and prove to her I can support her? Is this the end of our love or just a temporary thing?
I am convinced and beleive it is the stress that is holding her back. Part of her wants me back, I know that...I just want to know a way to get that part out of her...hence why I wanna know if we should be friends or cut contact?
I am grateful for all the help you guys can give me, this is a difficult period for me. My wish is to have her back but I understand if it's not possible.
(If it helps she studies law, which requires a lot of studying)
Comments
The most common cause of stress is environmental pressure. So I think that to answer your question you need to look at the pressure your gf is under.
It does sound as if your relationship is not going well, which no doubt is causing her additional pressure, which in turn is likely to push up her stress levels.
The positive function of pressure and stress is that it works to motivate people, but only up to a point, once the optimum level is exceeded (the optimum level being a personal thing) the chances are that a person’s performance will start to decline, i.e. their ability to concentrate is reduced, and they are likely to start making mistakes. Putting mistakes right usually adds time to the task, and when people start making mistakes they tend to start checking themselves, which again adds to the time it takes to complete the task. This also adds to the energy required to complete the task, and so is more tiring, which can be de-motivating. It’s a vicious circle that can drag people down.
Most people find that their stress levels rise and fall during the day in relation to the demands made on them, and that when they relax in the evening their stress levels will fall back to what they were, more or less, the day before. But if for some reason that stops happening, then their residual baseline of stress starts to rise. Sleep helps to relax mind and body, but if someone’s residual level of stress has risen, then the quality of their sleep may be reduced, which becomes another element in the negative cycle. If they start work the next day with a higher baseline of stress, then they are likely to reach their optimum level of stress more quickly than the day before. If this keeps happening and the baseline ratchets up slightly more each week, then they are more likely to become disabled by stress rather than being motivated by it.
Sometimes it’s possible for people to manage stress better by the way they think about the demands made upon them, i.e. their perception of pressure, but if someone has more demands made on them than they can cope with, then they are likely to end up very stressed, particularly if it goes on for any length of time.
Lowering someone’s residual baseline of stress can be quite difficult, but it can be done by learning to enter a deep state of relaxation, but that does take some time to learn.
You may not be putting practical demands on your gf, rather it’s likely to be the emotional disturbance and upset that constitutes the demand.
Lots of people have happy relationships when studying, but if one starts to negatively affect the other, and stress levels get too high, it can make studying very difficult, and also make relationships rocky.
It could be that the bottom line for your gf was a choice between giving up her course, or giving up the relationship, and maybe she’s chosen the latter.
Had she not been under such pressure, it might have been that she wouldn’t have got into thinking so deeply about how much she valued the relationship, and so could have just carried on with it.
My guess is that her course hasn’t wrecked your relationship per se, rather it’s caused her to think hard about how much the relationship mattered to her because there were competing demands, and so she’s decided to end it. Which isn’t necessarily a reflection on anything you have done, it’s just the way circumstances have panned out.
Studying for a degree is a long-term investment, and it might also be that she has been thinking ahead and so has reappraised the kind of future she wants.
If she thinks again,and changes her decision, then maybe you can support her by making less demands practically and emotionally, and by helping her to relax – massage is a very good way to relax the body, so is sex (well usually anyway).
If you are strongly emotionally attached to her, then staying friends could well mean it takes longer to come to terms with the separation.
I think a good test is to imagine seeing her next week on the arm of a new bf?
If you think you can handle that without being too upset, then maybe staying friends is a good option. If not, then maybe making a clean break until you have come to terms with the ending is a better option. Possibly looking to being friends one day.
Don't feel cheated if you do find she gets into a new relationship sooner rather than later - a long-term relationship that has become troublesome can feel like a burden, whereas a fresh and new relationship can be uplifting. Food for thought if you are thinking of staying friends.
Sky
It's quite simple you see.
Although she wants you, she knows she's unable to provide you with the attention you want while studying. You'd be a distraction in a sense. When I was in a relationship while in school there were plenty of times that I choose to go with the boyfriend instead of studying or times where he'd insist that we go on a date or complain that we aren't spending time together, all while i had to study for finals ( I was in accounting btw). Of course wanting to keep him with me and also maintaining our relationship I unfortunately ended up failing my semester.
Certain careers require more attention than you can possibly imagine. Give space and support if you want her to succeed. If you walk away from her now because you don't understand the type of focus she needs to obtain her education, then you probably don't deserve her anyway.