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advice about my girlfriend and myself please
hi,
i am 23 and have just finished my intern job for uni. my girlfriend has just moved jobs and has just moved into a houseshare with 3 other ladies. all fine by me.
we have been going out for almost 3 years, but have been close friends for nearer 6 or 7 years. we got together while we were both at separate uni's. so far we have worked. sure, there have been ups and downs but nothing i can't handle.
in april she was feeling down about her old job, and about life in general. i found out she liked a guy at work, which i can't help, but i trust her. she had to go away for training, and i am willing to bet that guy was part of the group going. she told me before she went she wanted a break, time to sort her head out (which she later perceived as a break up, a grey area i suppose) i found out she must have told this guy she liked her but he turned out to be a jerk.
from reliable sources i found out she broke up with me because she felt i wasn't committed enough and we used to argue about the small stuff. but it takes two to argue. when we had our break i realised how much she actually meant to me. i am gonna be honest it tore me apart. i didn't go to work for 3 days. she said she didn't want me to change, and we started dating again. we both got the fizz back. it was exciting. i loved it!
she now has a new job and a new house. i am fin with the distance. but she said she needs her space to get settled. my job has just ended and i need someone who an be there for me at the moment. and i tried to talk about the new insecurities i have in our relationship. but she said she can't deal with that at the moment. am i getting a raw deal here.???
i was texting her yesterday, but she wasn't making the effort to text back. i mean they were nice texts. but infrequent. and i asked if i could phone her to say goodnight (as we always did) but she said she was to tired.
she has booked a weekend trip away, just her and i. and she wants to see me this weekend.
honestly i am jealous or her new male friends. i am insecure about myself, the future and the future of our relationship.
shall i call it a day, or stick it out and see where it goes. i just wish she would think of my needs sometimes too.
cheers for reading!
Comments
Sounds to me as if your gf has commitment issues, which could say something about her relationship with you, or maybe just more about her and her ability to commit to someone long-term without developing doubts and wanting to disconnect and reconnect in order to up the fizz.
People tend to see the world differently, and so I think some arguments are inevitable from time to time. As long as arguments don’t get too below the belt, I think it’s best to take the view that some spoken disagreement is about two people having minds of their own.
You have known each other for quite a long time, so maybe it’s time for some really honest discussion about where things are going?
My guess is that she didn’t want to hear about your insecure feelings because she might feel unable to provide the reassurances you might be looking for.
I think you have two main choices: 1/ Sit down with her and have a heart to heart that cuts to the chase. Trying not to make things too hard for her by pushing her into a corner, which might mean that she ends up saying what you want to hear. The bottom line is that you need to know what she wants!
Or 2/, Just ride things out, and see where this current phase leads.
Personally, I think sooner or later you will need to have some honest talk about what the future could hold for this relationship.
You know how you feel - but what expectations does she have, and how far are they being met in his relationship; that’s what you need to know, imo.
I suspect the ‘honeymoon’ period for your relationship is over, and so now, having got to know each other over quite a long time of time, is there enough in the relationship for her to build her life around?
The thing is: do you really want to know?
If not, just go with the flow for a bit longer and see how things pan out.
Sky
hi sky.
we have openly discussed getting a flat together when i have finished uni. so that will be this time next year.
she seems excited by it.
was the on a break phase just a bump in the tracks??
i love her and i want things to work out. i am just not sure if she considers me the easy option.
i think i shall keep my options open. i will go with the flow. even if it is not my preferred choice. but if someone i like comes along, she has made it easier for me to explore that possibility. (not that someone hasn't come along before, i just never acted on it the way she did)
You could try some couple counselling with Relate - perhaps there is a problem with being close, or perhaps getting closer (re needing space).
Sounds as if time working on the communication between you would be time well spent, particularly in view of your commitment to her.
Sky
listen she is obv scared of commitment but that dont mean give up it means try harder show her that u will go to great lengths
lauryn