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A turbulent mind
For the past couple of months I have been incredibly confused emotionally. It is affecting my home life and my work.
I have been with my wife for over 14 years and married for three. We have a beautiful little daughter of two and have what most of our friends perceive as the perfect relationship. But recently that has changed. A couple of months ago I went away with friends and one night I met and got chatting to a girl in a pub. We spent the next few hours talking and getting on before my mate and I walked her and her friend back to their hotel. Then we went back to ours and that was it. Nothing inappropriate happened at all. I thought no more about it, other than 'that was a cool night.'
But when I returned home I felt like something had shifted inside me. Like a switch had been flipped. My wife noticed and we had some very frank discussions about our relationship. I admitted that it bothered me that she is the only woman I have ever slept with and, with the exception of one brief 'relationship' at college, the only woman I have ever even dated. I have recently lost weight and got much fitter, and while away, women were taking notice, which has never really happened to me before. I think this is what flipped the 'switch'. I told her this and through the course of the conversation it became apparent that she had been feeling frustrated too and that we were both feeling very similarly. We discussed the concept of an open relationship and both decided to see where that might lead.
Then, the real problem began. The girl who I had met on that weekend got in touch with me on Facebook. It started harmlessly enough, but over a few weeks we chatted almost every night and we discovered we had so much in common. Far more than we were able to discern in the hectic environment of the pub and club we'd been in together. We struck up a genuine friendship - something that is seemingly possible in this digital age! In honesty, 95% of our conversation was harmless; exchanging music, talking about books and films. But there was an element of flirtatiousness and we both agreed that, however unlikely it was and despite only actually having spent a few hours together in person, we missed each other. It is frankly the strangest and most intense connection I have ever had with someone - other than my wife in the early days.
I don't think I would have let things go as far as they did if my wife and I hadn't had the discussion about an open relationship. But I suppose I thought I could 'have my cake and eat it'. I even asked my wife if I could go to a gig with this girl. But then she became suspicious and read my emails and saw some of the conversation I had been having. At this point my wife realised that the open relationship thing was not for her at all and she was deeply upset by my conversations with the other girl. I immediately broke contact with the girl, realising that my marriage and more importantly my little girl's stable home is the most important thing. And I love my wife deeply, even if the passion has faded and we argue far more than we ever did before.
But the real problem is how I felt when I broke contact with this girl who I now considered a friend. The thought of literally never talking to her ever again evoked a feeling like I was grieving. As absurd as it sounds, when I hit 'unfriend' on Facebook, it felt as though my heart was breaking. There have only been a few times in my life I have had such a visceral reaction to something or cried so hard. And since then I have thought of her every day. I am not a teenager moping about after someone they can't have. I'm a grown man and father who is desperately trying to do the right thing, but feels as though things are slipping away from him. I don't want to feel this confusion or feel the awful guilt I have about my wife. But equally I don't want to forget about the girl either. You only live once don't you? In my gut it feels wrong to let that friendship go. I sometimes wonder if I'm in love with her. But then realise that's absurd. Whatever it is, it won't let go and it's bringing me down every day, knowing I can't ever see her.
I love my wife, but I feel as though we are drifting apart. And an awful part of me (a part I hate) is fine with that.
I haven't slept with anyone else. I haven't had an affair. But I have connected with someone who is not my wife on a very emotional level - and perhaps that's worse?
Thanks for reading (sorry for the verbosity!). I really just needed to vent, but any comments would be gratefully received, even if they are just 'pull yourself together man'.
Comments
Honesty is always best when dealing with such emotions: honesty to yourself and the others. Have you asked your wife what attracted her to you first or try to reignite things? It's easier to give up and get carried away buy other people than to fight and reconstruct what you have... Believe me in a lifetime you can meet many people of the opposite sex that can bring sparkles... it's how you deal with it that matters. It is hard to maintain a healthy relationship (both physical and mental) for a lifetime, but not impossible. You are a great man that you haven't had any affairs, loved and still love your wife; so many man no matter what they have next to them can't wait to try something new. Your wife is lucky and she should know that!
It's up to you if you want to risk your domestic happiness to try something new or stay were you are now and try and make the best of it. The answer is in you!
Dear poster,
It is not abnormal to feel these emotions. And I feel that you have likely handled this well. I try to remain very impartial when listening to people's perspectives of their relationships and their experiences with affairs and try to see both ways. I offer only anecdotal 'advice' and offer a better understanding human behaviour, in hopes that they can understand themselves and chose who they wish to be (I am an applied neuropsychology masters student, with the hopes of one day focusing in relationship counciling. I am also in the process of submitting a proposal for qualitative research in infidelity).
From what you are saying, it seems as though you hold a perspective that promiscuity is a right of passage into adulthood. You seem to be resentful of the fact that you have only had sex with one woman. It is interesting to see that back in the 1940s and 50s this was the noble thing to do. Now it seems that society has conditioned people to embrace promiscuity as "natural human instinct". But let's go back to this world view you have, that promiscuity is the right of passage into adult life. You used the quote "you only live once" implying 'why no do what you want to have fun'. But you need to stop and think, does 'fun' and 'living life to the fullest' require one to be promiscuous? Is promiscuity something that you feel will complete your life and make you happy? Or is having a meaningful relationship with your wife and establishing a family your overall life goal? (Bot hare completely fine, in fact, I have, at one time, chosen a life of promiscuity for myself. So I am in no way judgemental towards your choice).
Basically what is comes down to is, what do you want in life? Where would you LIKE to see yourself in 5 years? Sleeping next to your wife? Sleeping next to this facebook woman? Or sleeping next to some random girl?
Are you sure that your given choice is really the appropriate choice? What makes you think that having an open relationship or having an affair with this girl will bring you happiness? Like they say "the grass is always greener on the other side". People generally feel remorseful when they feel that have done something wrong. Right and wrong is dictated by society. And though society flaunts a sexual, promiscuous demeanour, it still maintains that infidelity is wrong and unacceptable. Thus, you may be likely to feel remorseful.
And the reason I think you handled it well is because to me, though you may be confused about your overall life goals (which I feel is your overall problem, that you are unsure of what your goal in life is) is that, deep down, it seems as though you value your wife more than this woman and by disconnecting, however abruptly, from this other woman, it makes it easier for you to get on with amending a relationship and living a life with your wife.
You say the connection you have had with this girl is the most intense you have ever had other than your wife in the early days. This kind of intensity is usually felt at the start of relationships when you are just finding out about each other and it is all very exciting, heady and romantic - most often this intensity changes over time. Take reassurance that you have already experienced these feelings with your wife. It seems that now you have 'connected' with someone else you are withdrawing from your wife and this may be the reason you feel you are drifting from your wife. Somehow you need to recapture that emotional closeness you once had with your wife - that is if you decide you are going to give it another go. There are lots of articles on this site that may help - have a browse and see what you can find - changes and stages of a relationship may help. One of the key things is spending quality time together - rekindling the fun you had in the past. If you feel it in your gut that this girl is the one for you then that is a tough call and my heart does go out to you. Yet you already seem to have a lot going for you with your wife and daughter and perhaps you owe it to them and yourself to give it a really good go before you take an enormous leap into the unknown.