Welcome!
Use the menu on the left to navigate the site, you might find some interesting advice in the Relationship Forum
Or why not explore the the Relationship advice section
A sexual addiction that is affecting both lives
Hello and thank you for stopping to read my post.
It is very hard to put it in a few words because of the complexity of the problem. But here it goes: my now husband admitted to be having a problem, and that is internet sex: sending naked pictures of himself and receiving from other women, going on sex chat rooms... basically anything that has to do with this type of activity. We have been living together for almost two years and there were several occasions when I caught him looking for women, porn and so on. So yes, in a way I did know about it and believe me I have tried to communicate as much as possible and be as understanding as I could (as besides this he is a caring man, great sense of humour and passionate). But recently he has admitted himself he feels he has a problem, an addiction; the moment I leave the door he just gets urges.
His first sexual experience apparently was online when being a lot younger and since then he has had this type of activity into his life, whether he was in a relationship or not.
He has poor self-control (even when driving for example) and not much of self confidence (a thing that I thought I could boost, but somehow it didn't happen)... that I can say in addition to this. He said he would never cheat with someone in real life... but obviously doesn't understand that online cheating is as bad as real life, at least to me it is. He says he doesn't feel anything for the women he looks for, it is just a relief and so on. He likes the thrill of it.
But the worst thing of all is that he said he would never go to speak to a therapist/counselor (as I suggested many times). He can't talk about these things and he won't go! And I am completely lost.
He avoids discussing these things with me, it's very hard to get him to confess anything. He knows how much I cry and it hurts me and yet he cannot stop... or he will not stop.
I don't know what to do! I so want to make things work, I have never cheated or talked to any other man online or in real life to raise any suspicion on his side. In fact he claims he trusts me with all his life and I am a trustworthy person. It's just that I cannot trust him the same way and I feel disappointed. We don't have any children at the moment but we do plan to in the nearby future, and also to move from where we currently live.
If anyone has been through something similar or can give me an introspection, it would be much appreciated!
Thank you!
Comments
Your story is not dissimilar to mine and mine was over a span of 18 years. My H is a well-liked person and I know he is basically a good person but went astray. He had an addiction and sadly it was not just cyber sex but in real life too. If he cared one jot for you, he will do anything to stop, the first being to acknowledge that he has a problem. The next is to seek professional help.
The questions that will put it in perspective for you are - is this the man you want to be the father of your children AND do you want to raise children under these circumstances? You both will be the guardians of the morals that you will want your children to practice - honesty, trust, respect, love, decency, etc. You cannot preach and practice completely the opposite unless you're comfortable being hypocrites.
Also, you appear to be the one wanting your relationship to work. Does he? If so, what is his contribution? You both need to talk and address this issue and arrive at an action plan. If he can't stick to it, seek help. If he won't, then believe you me it gets worse b'cos your knowing hasn't stopped him either, so what is? You need to be able to look at him and say he had a problem and we overcame it together because we love and care for each other. AND I'll be proud to call him the father of my children b'cos we put our relationship first and overcame the starkest of adversity any couple can face.
Good luck to you both.
Thank you for your comment! I feel for you. And do know that it could get worse but it also could get better. I always keep my spirits up and believe that everything can be conquered in two. I am trying o inspire the same thing to my husband as well. He is going through a difficult time as he lost his job, is a bit depressed, spends all day on the computer and online playing games... it is very frustrating, but I don't want to become a nag either.
Today he went for a run instead of staying home in front of the computer. He always acts better if he gets to do something rather than sitting and doing nothing - as he states himself.
He said he would change, he doesn't want to be the horrible person that makes me cry and breaks my heart... but until I am proven it I do not believe it much. I don't know what to do, I was even thinking of separating from him for a while to give him a chance to see things differently... and hopefully to go to a therapist.
I am sorry to hear your husband went astray... no good person deserves that!