I have been married for 33 years in October, 3 kids all really grown up now. I work full time, so does my husband, but I am so unhappy and lonely.
It is only fair to start at the beginning to give a clearer picture, we married when I was just 19, my husband was 28 (think the gap maybe part of the problem). It was nice to be "looked after" by a husband who made all the major decisions, life was structured to an extent, but we had several good holidays a nice home and money in the bank.
1983 child number 1 born, and I gave up work
1984 had to move due to husband's promotion
1988 child number 2 born
Money starting to get tight, I was left to do all the financies, struggled, husband working long hours, overtime money used by husband for a holiday to the States, partly to do with a magazine he writes for - all the same it was a holiday,
1991 3rd child born
Money problems surfacing - I had taken out credit cards/store cards to help things go further. Then loans to pay them off - a never ending spiral as those who have been there will know. I was too scared to tell him then by accident one day he found out. Since then the last 17 years have been mainly hell.
I got a job and went back to work, husband got depression - became violent. Yes I should of walked away - but I blamed myself.
My husband's father loaned us enough money to sort everything out and we paid it back over 5 years at an affordable rate.
Husband always distant, now I am scared to talk to him in case I set him off again.
In 2007, same sort of problems rear their head, this time we have to remortgage house and we are now paying through the nose but at least have a roof over our heads.
Things between us very reserved, husband put me down whenever he can, his way is always right. He spends every evening on the computer writing articles for a magazine or blogs only one of it actually pays any money.
He does no housework, only the washing up. House is in a tip, as I can only get to do the basics after a 12 hour day (leave home at 6.15 get back about 6.15pm), shattered. I have chronic kidney disease which I am sure he thinks doesn't affect me but it does. House has not been decorated since we moved here in 1984 apart from what I have done.
Sex once in a blue moon as I don't fancy him and everytime we do I end up with cystitis, which is not a good thing with a kidney complaint.
Had enough eiter things need to change, or I will go and he will loose the house, me and everything. As it is I feel as though I can't leave until mortgage finishes in 8 years as I am blaming myself, despite the kids all telling me he is as much to blame.
Can someone help me?
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Morwenna (a member of the Talk It Out team) on 16 July 2009 at 10:29am said...
Dear Karent
I am so sorry to hear that you are so unhappy and lonely. I do wonder what you are getting out of this relationship as you say sex is not good, your children are grown up, finances are difficult, and you get little emotional or practical support from your husband. Also, violence, whether it be physical abuse, emotional abuse such as being put down all the time, or financial abuse such as not sharing money fairly, is never acceptable and you do not have to put up with it. You don't say whether you still love your husband, if you do you might consider telling him how you feel and suggesting you both try relationship counselling, if so see www.marriagecare.org.uk (tel 0800 3893801)or www.relate.org.uk for access to counselling. If you no longer love him and do want to leave, you can contact Womens Aid, who help women are being abused, at www.womensaid.org.uk (tel 0808 2000247), or the Citizens Advice Bureau, who give general advice such as your legal entitlements, find your nearest branch by going to www.citizensadvice.org.uk/contact. There is also a lot of helpful advice on the "Check it out" section of this website around "Money" and "Getting on better with my partner" which may be helpful for you. This situation is not your fault and you are not to blame, I wonder why you feel you have to stay in this situation for another eight years? Good luck with the way forward, I hope things improve for you.
maka on 18 July 2009 at 1:57am said...
He puts ou down because he feels that he has failed. I don't want you think that you have to feel sorry for him so he can still treat you bad. men in his generation thats the way they are though. You need to be happy and being with a man that makes you misserablee is really not worth it. See some councillers you may find it easier to make important decisions for your life. It seems like you have already given up a lot to try and make it work and its time to live for yourself now.