Help, can't see a way forward
I don't know what to do...
I've been married for 6 years. Gradually we have become more and more unhappy. He's one of those strong silent types and I liked that at first but over the years I've felt more and more alone with no empathy or connection between us I have no one to talk to at home. We've tried counseling for quite a few months. If I stop thinking about wanting more of a connection and just say the day to day niceties my partner seems totally happy, he's an aloof guy, doesn't talk to any friends or family much. If we argue he usually heads for the door. We've had sex once every 6 months since our 18mth old was born.
The thing that hurts most is if I tell him any of my hopes or dreams he tells me all the reasons why they are not possible, he says he's just an analytical person but I feel like it's negative and is rubbing off on me I want to get away and give myself some positive space. I end up being careful not to tell him anything dear to me. I've asked him not to do it and he says he'll try but it happens again. Today I suggested we go for a coffee, but he said it wasn't in the budget. I could have paid with my money I'd kept aside this month though.
I moved to this country last year, the recession hit and we were out of work for 7 months and living with his parents for a bit. I'm from a different culture so feel isolated enough without our problems. It feels like I live with a flatmate.
Anyway, we've started fighting in front of our little girl and she hates it. I would rather leave than have her listen to us. My friends and family are on the other side of the world so I feel trapped, I don't want to take our child away from her Dad but he can't find work out there so I feel like I have to stay and make the best of it without the people closest to me. I feel like I can't face that.
Cheers. T
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makarov on 13 July 2009 at 2:04pm said...
I'm sorry to say that he sounds a lot like me. I never realised quite how disillusioned I made my wife until she fell for some bloke she worked with. I made myself change for a while and it made life a whole lot more rewarding, but after a while it slowly began to slip away again. I'm not convinced I went back to my old ways; I think she's just the kind of person who always wants more than is actually there, and consequently when she got more of what she wanted, she wanted something else. She's longing for someone to be her soulmate, just like her friends have, but seems not to notice that her friends are arguing, having affairs, and generally moaning about their partners a lot of the time.
Like me, he needs to see the effect his way of seeing things has on you. He isn't wrong to see things this way though, and it's important you say that to him, it's just that his way and yours are different, and somewhat incompatible sometimes.
Of course, it could be that he's suffering from depression or stress related illness. No libido, no friends he can talk to, money worries; they may be circumstantial, but it's possible. It may be that if he is, then that's what needs looking at.
Anonymous on 16 July 2009 at 8:56am said...
Just wanted to say thanks for your comment and honesty. It's good to hear from the other side, at the same time though I'm so sorry you went through this.
My partner is trying to change things and I'm trying to look for parts of my life I've let go to fill some of the gaps and enjoy things in other areas more, hopefully taking the pressure of a little.
What you said all rings bells. I find it hard to accept what's there. It's hard for me as I had this relationship when I was younger which was all perfect (in hindsight) but it was never tested and he died in an accident. Makes it hard to know what the reality would have been.
I know I got myself into this and chose it, I think maybe me and my partner could both do with some changes. I'll talk to him about depression but yes our circumstances have been really bad the last year.
Thanks for your help.