Ive been with my partner for 5 years. During this time i have ended our relationship on approx 4 occassions sometimes for a few weeks, but on one occassion we split for a few months, i even went out and bought a house!
The spllits are usually due to my partners attitued, He doesn't understand other peoples feelings and is not in touch with his own feelings.
On the last split i wanted to settle down, get married, have children and felt that we would never get this but he said he did and that he wanted to spend his life with me, a few months after getting back together we got engaged!
We always get back as my partner states he'll change and has shown this.
He now constanly tells me that he is getting married as its what women want/ what they need and if not for me, then he would never get married as its not what he believes in, and its what i want. He also states that i can arrange it all, show him plans to agree on but other then that hes not interested. He just repeats how he'll be drunk before, after and during service.
I have asked him if its a forced marrage i was that worried but he says no, hes doing for me.
When talking about kids he also scares me, stating which ever one of us works will not get up with the baby during the night (which i agree) but he then goes on to say that if him that works, because hes a shocking sleeper and cant fall back to sleep, he will probably sleep in a different room/Even a different house so that not to be too tired and shattered all the time? Is this normal, it doesn't seem like a good base for a relationship never mind one witha new baby?
Last major issue is i asked him if he fancied me still as we really have sex, It used to be me not initiallising it due to low confidence but i know have tried on numerous occassions and we either both tired or because of the next issue:
I asked him if he still fancied me, He stated that when i was training (i used to go to the gym and weight train so was very toned) he fancied me. He stated that he always said that if i was not in shape or fat he wouldn't fancy me (which he did!) and that he couldn't help that.
I stopped training as my doctor said my body was in fight or flight mood all the time as i was under stress etc. and i was off work with stress related sickness He has since said i can start again but im struggling to get into the habbit of training again and dont want to go back on the strict dieting/no socialising that goes with it.
When i say im not toned, im still lots thinner then all my friend and still slightly toned and everyone says im not fat! a size 8/10 clohing.
When i said what about after ive had children he said he thought i respected myself and would always train etc but also said ihe did ove me and said, "do you think our parents still fancy each other now their old? they love not fancy"
What else...... oh yeah, he said, even though he knew doctor stopped me training, that he feels angry because before this he signed up for a training programme so that he was also eating healthy and not drinking as the sametime as me to support me, but then i didn't even do my trained figure competition and then stopped training and hes annoyed that im spotting (again due to do with health issues) as this makes me look like a child and that i sit picking at myself making this worse and so he feels that he looks like hes with a child not a women.
so what im wanting to know is is this a normal relationship, ive been with him that long and cant now work out if to walk away now or if this is normal and its part of working together? Help anyone, all my friends have advised i get out now and that hes controlling me but i need an un biased oppinion.
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Anonymous on 09 July 2009 at 3:09pm said...
since writing the above ive done alot of thinking, chatting and trying to look into the future and ive decided that its not a healthy relationship and there are far too many issues with it so Im leaving, in the next few hours, scary but i feel its got to be done, now im just lost on how to start this move, what to say to my partner etc.
If anyone reads this in next hour of so please feel free to put your advice down, thanks
littlemissy on 09 July 2009 at 3:36pm said...
Hi, I just wanted to say that I think you've realised you're right. This isn't a healthy relationship - and I'm glad that you're aware now.
Your partner is controlling, and dominating you, and until now you haven't been aware of the effect of him on you.
In my opinion the best way to leave is to be honest, but not sensationalist. Say your piece, and leave the door shut - no hope of a resolution. You're going to need courage, and strength, but I think you're ready to leave this abusive relationship (control of a partner is abuse too - not just violence).
Good luck, please update your post when you've done it - I really feel for you and hope all goes well x
RMG5150 on 10 July 2009 at 4:34pm said...
I cant beleive what he was saying to you!!! you made the right choice, it is scary but you've made a giant leap of faith, you deserve better and to be treated with love, respect and equality! you dont need him to keep putting you down anymore you have a very bright future ahead of you, so live it.
Be lucky and let us know how it went. be positive because you have a lot to be positive about now!.
Anonymous on 11 July 2009 at 7:09am said...
well i did it, it took me a day longer then i wanted to but at least its done.
got to remember ive been in this position over 5 times before. In the past hes done the im sorry, didn't mean it, love you, happy with you, im just stupid and dont understand feelings etc, and after a few weeks its worked and ive gone back, believing it was on my terms and that he'd chenge each and everytime! He actually believes what he says which makes it hard.
Well last night it was the same thinigs, as well as he'd been tired and bad day as his new hated job and took it out on me, He tried to say i bottle it all up and dont talk but I strongly pointed out how id been trying to talk to him for day, weeks even but he's impossible (he acknowledged this).
Anyway, im at my parents, off round in ten to get some more things (it was his house) whilst he's at work, leave him his ring etc
Thank you for your advice and words, helped alot, now i just need to stay strong and remember it never works.
Anonymous on 01 September 2009 at 10:40am said...
well its been a whilst since ive been on here but if any of the people you put there advice on here read this THANK YOU.
Ive not got back with him, even if all his trying and begging for relationship councilor etc!
Ive been enjoying finding out who i am, what i want and smiling!
Oh and ive been on a few dates just to give myself the well deserved confidence boost! (one guy im very keen on but staying single for a while!)
i am unfortuntely still waiting for my house back (tenant to move out) but that should happen in next 4 weeks and my parents aren't too bad.
thanks again guys and anyone else who in my position, get out, you can do it and life just starts getting better when you do! You dont need them!
Halo on 01 September 2009 at 12:59pm said...
Well done how doing the right thing by yourself its a hard thing to do. I am happy to her you are enjoying life.
Sometimes all you need to do is write things down to see the bigger picture.