I've been with my partner for about 1 year now and although he's never been very affectionate, things got even worst when we started living together. We always had a very different libido, to the extreme that most of the times I initiate sex and I'm the one who's in the mood more often. However, now we have serious sexual problems (most of the times he's too tired or he has erection problems) that are making me think that he is not the right partner for me. He claims he loves me and when I tried leaving him, he was desperate to get me back, but I'm not happy and not only he doesn't care, he also seems to be bothered and complains that I moan at him all the time. I really don't know what to do... I think I love him but I don't know how much of this I can take... Any advice???
Thanks, B
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Anonymous on 08 August 2009 at 10:55pm said...
I've had similar issues with my current boyfriend but it was me that wasn't in the mood and his libido led him to be hugely frustrated and our relatioship almosted ended. We have been together almost 10 years and the only reason I realised that there was a huge issue was through talking about it.
I think men find it more difficult to open up about their feelings than women. I can understand about feeling really tired, but erection problems sounds like there is a deeper issue that needs resolving. Perhaps he is avoiding sex for that very reason as its causing him some embarrassment?
Maybe you need to build up his trust and confidence in you. Do you find it easy to talk with each other? Is he happy discussing other issues in his life with you?
What else is going on in his life? Stress? Depression? Past experiences that have caused hang ups?
Also how are other areas of your relationship - do you spend plenty of time just for the both of you?
Also intimacy doesn't always have to mean having sex. Perhaps you could work on being intimate without it leading to anything sexual at all so as not to pressurise him. The worst thing you can do is leap in and be confrontational about it as its likely for him to just shut down, but I can understand your frustration . Just try and reassure him that you love him and intimacy is something that you want to share and enjoy with him. Work on this until he builds up his confidence.
Maybe when hes ready he should talk to his doctor about his erection problems as I doubt its anything to do with you. Theres lots of things that can cause a reduced libido but if he's not willing to try and work out why this is despite your encouragement then perhaps he's not for you. But don't ditch him yet, try and talk it out as it sounds like there is something deeper going on that he's not willing to address yet.
Good luck x
Anonymous on 29 August 2009 at 12:49pm said...
Obviously this is just advice and not meant to be hurtful but maybe try taking a step back? By this I mean try not to initiate sex so often or start arguments about it, maybe try focusing on being intimate by hugging and snuggling up together without the pressure of sex. If this is a serious problem for your partner but he still loves you, he'll appreciate the breathing space and feel better for knowing you care about him too. In time this will help him deal with his sexual problems and he'll start initiating sex again. It's important not to seem to not want sex, but to let him know it's ok if he's having a problem just now and that you're there to help and support him. Good luck!
xbeckymx on 01 September 2009 at 8:35pm said...
well iv had the same problem, but tbh iv recently found out my boyfriend cheated on me 6 times and he has had anothe girlfriend whilst iv been with him. he was with her for 4 months and he dumped her becuase he said he realised how much he loved me. during that 4 months we wasnt having sex at all, but obvs now i realise why and im sorry but the fact was that he had sum 1 else anmd was to tired to have it with me. he was always saying he is not in the mood or he is tired but now i know why. just keep an eye out and be carefull, maybee try looking on his phone or something cuz thats what i did and everything came out.
x
Hayet on 03 September 2009 at 5:34pm said...
Im in the position as you at the moment. well to be honest, i have pretty much been going through it for a couple of years now. im 25 and my partners 26 and we have had sex twice this year. not exactly how i planned to be spending my early twenties. i think the above post has a slight point although him cheating on you is not always the case as i found out. it turned out that my boyfriend was avoiding sex because i had started talking about marriage and kids (well we have been together over 6 years!), but he is dead against them and although he has said it in the past i honestly thought that he would change his mind as he got older. even though he had been telling me that he is happy to get married and have kids,it turns out he was just telling me what i want to hear so as to not have any arguments. not sure if you are in the same situation but thought it might be another thing that you can look at in the hopes of solving everything. hopefully we can both sort out our relationships, good luck.
tinkerbelll on 29 September 2009 at 4:09pm said...
I think you have to say to him that you are looking for a full adult relationship and not as "friends" living together one
being tired isnt good perhaps also the dsyfunction may have a repeating theme as he worries about it happening and is now maby at the point of not wanting to get himself in the position where it could occus and so its easier to avoid sex.
I would try and take away the pressure (masturbate secretly if you are desperate) and give him lots of love and affection and maby give him another 6 months and if you then still feel the same way or think there is an underlying issue whether health related or mental then i would approach it again then xx good luck xx
Tanglemiss on 08 December 2009 at 12:22pm said...
This has really helped, reading the feedback. I am going through this and feel it is down to depression. I will take the advice of giving some space and just see how things go.
I just hope that giving space is not the start of a habit