Hi All,
I stumbled across this website by chance - maybe the contributors can help with my situation... I'm at my wits end.
I am a 44 year old british male, previously married for 16 years and divorced... now remarried to a gorgeous girl, for the past two years, who I love very much.... but our relationship is in serious trouble.
I have always been very highly sexed... which was the downfall of my previous marriage - eventually.
When I met my present wife, who is 8 years younger than me, our sex life was fantastic. In fact if we didn't have sex three times a night, SHE was the one who complained.
We have been through quite a lot already in our two years together..
My ex girlfriend found out where we were living, and physically kicked the back door in whilst drunk (the drinking being the reason she became my EX girlfriend.)
Then, we lost my fiancees (now wifes) house, and ended up moving in with her parents for almost a year - at which point our sex life dwindled (understandably so.)
During this time, my wife would still have sex with me occasionally when her parents weren't in the house. If they were, she would still masturbate me... and I, her. If she didn't want to do this, she would still let me masturbate over her breasts. (she is very busty, and I have a fetish for big breasts).
On the day of our wedding, she was quite ill.... she had cystitis, which developed into a severe kidney infection - which took almost 9 months to clear. I backed off completely sexually, and was obviously totally supportive at the time.
We are now living in a nice, three bedroom house, on a private country estate in a nice village....... so we have our own space again - a factor she quoted in our drop in sex whilst at her parents.
The problem - for me, is that our sex life has all but disappeared.
It is now June, and we have had sex three times this year.
My wife won't masturbate me at all.. even when we are having sex, as foreplay, its off the menu. She simply won't touch my penis.
She has always found it impossible to orgasm unless I masturbate her, or give her oral sex....and I always, without exception, help her to orgasm first... but these days, she will just lay there and go to sleep afterwards. For a while, she would allow me to feel her breasts, and masturbate myself... but never over her boobs... something which she was quite happy with previously.
Now, she will get up out of bed, if I suggest anything sexual, or start to masturbate myself with her next to me.
I ask her, maybe once or twice a week, if she'll relieve me, or allow me to touch her, while I do it, but she appears physically disgusted at the suggestion.
I should say at this point that, circumstances permitting, I masturbate at least once a day, sometimes twice - because I am highly sexed, but this is becoming more difficult - and less satisfying for me.
I am stable emotionally, work is good, and we have a good standard of living, but I have always needed a lot of sex, and this is now almost totally absent from our lives.
My wife knows that I look at porn... I was quite happy for her to review my collection on my laptop... but she said it was boring!.- doubtful considering I have most kinds of (legal) content on it!
I work away a lot - including abroad... I'm a professional bodyguard... and I frequently find myself in situations where I could have an affair - or uncomplicated sex with another woman, or even visit a prostitute - but I don't want to be unfaithful to my wife.
My wife comes up with a series of reasons - or excuses, I'm not sure which.. why we can't have sex, or she can't masturbate me, or allow me to touch her. She will even get out of bed an hour early in the morning if I try to initiate anything.
When I try to do the responsible thing, and talk to her about my issues, she deflects the conversation, or is too "busy" to talk to me right now....
I've suggested RELATE but she won't acknowledge that we have a problem (I guess it isn't a problem for her) and therefore won't go.
I don't want to lose her - or be unfaithful, but this is becoming untenable for me.
If we could get back to having some kind of sexual contact just once a week, I'd be happy for now.
I know that she loves me, and has had the opportunity to talk to and meet other men, including her ex - who is still keen! - but she hasn't done so... so I don't think she is having an affair.
I really don't want to lose her - but I can't continue to ignore my own needs.
Does anyone have any suggestions or advice to offer please??
I'm at my wits end over this, and its affecting other areas of my life.
Bob.
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DaveAngel on 03 June 2009 at 2:21pm said...
I am at my wits end just reading...
I think you have done well to cope, but as I am in the same class as you with the only difference that my wife is usually always up for it, I just dont know how to process your her situation. Needless to say, I can understand that you are devstated...
...you have my sympathy.
Maybe depression? Some kind of medical condition?
I wonder what would happen if you said, 'Hey babe, remember the time...' a time when you guys were both really happy and bangin...
Last attempt; do you kiss her and try to make it a kind of intimate, romantic, make love thing? Tell her 'I love you', 'you are sssooo beautiful' "think about you all the time' etc...?
daveangel.
faithful on 03 June 2009 at 2:28pm said...
Hi Daveangel..
I tell her that I love her all the time... I've tried the romantic evenings, I rub her feet for her when they are sore, I wash her hair for her, I scrub her back, we watch films together, we go out to dinner..
- The only thing I can't do, is discuss sex with her, or try to promote it in any way, without getting knocked back.
This has had me almost crying with frustration.
- The best advice my friends and colleagues have for me, is have an affair - or go and get it somewhere else.
Yeah. Thats really going to help.
DaveAngel on 03 June 2009 at 3:06pm said...
Dude, Get some counselling help! Now!
It has helped me immensely in the past, so go there...
Good luck mate,
Dave.
missrosy on 03 June 2009 at 4:05pm said...
Well you dont have much choice really as sad as it sounds. If she really does refuse councelling and talking then there isnt anything you can do. Relationships are two way and she has to put the effort in as well. I hope you can persuade her to go to councelling, or suggest she can go on her own if that helps.
Something has clearly changed, upset or is bothering her to change so dramatically, and your job is to find out and both try to fix it. I know where you are coming from though as I have a husband that clams up.
Good luck with sorting the problem.
Just had a thought. You know people hate being told what to do mostly. So maybe with you aksing for sex so much you might be going round in a vicious circle with her thinking that is all you care about.
Maybe try and not talk about sex for now and try and get her to open up more about how she is feeling and that could be a good start.
Hope it works
xxx
DaveAngel on 03 June 2009 at 4:12pm said...
Hi Rosy...
Hows stuff?
DaveAngel on 03 June 2009 at 4:15pm said...
Oh yeah Bob,
Hey dude, if you wanna, I have really sore feet...would you please...just for a few minutes...
...but dont even think of asking me for a hairwash, ok?
knaveangel.
missrosy on 03 June 2009 at 4:33pm said...
Dave I will post under my post 7 months on as wouldnt want to clog this up for this poster! xxx
loobyloo on 03 June 2009 at 4:47pm said...
I think its a case of not having a good sex life for a while sort of makes you asexual and you lose contact with your own sexuality and sensual side. Do you think that she pleasures herself? If not, I dont think its anything personal about you as much as in herself.
Its hard to try and make someone re-connect with their sexual side but I think its about time that you let her know that this is really effecting your relationship and that you have needs that you would like to have met by her as you love her. Put it in black and white, tell her that your marriage is in trouble and you want to put it right, if not then tell her that you wont put up with it forever.
Sex isnt just a "bonus" in a loving relationship, as far as I am concerned its another way to connect with your spouse/partner in the most intimate way any 2 people can possibly be. Its needed to strenghten bonds with each other. A fire needs three things to keep it burning, air, fuel and heat, take one of those away and the fire burns out. The same can be applied in a relationship, it needs, love, commitment and sex, take one of those away and it has the same effect as a burned out fire.
I am rambling on here, and i dont think i have really helped you with your problem, but i really hope that you and your wife can sort this out. Take care, Looby x
sadgirl on 03 June 2009 at 6:39pm said...
I think she is aware she is depriving you and is scared of her own emotions and you are suffering due to it and also she must be agonising over it prob telling herself she is no good for you etc. cognitions can be quite scary when it is matters of the heart.
I think the reminice idea that dave had was a great idea too, was she terrified when she realised you get off on porn sometimes as that can make us feel a lil insecure and feel even tough you give your all to the guy they still watch porn.
faithful on 03 June 2009 at 11:43pm said...
Hi again all,
Thank you for all your comments and suggestions to date.. they are helping me to understand my situation and decide on a course of action - and are much appreciated.
To reply to a few of the comments so far...
missrosy - we have discussed the counselling option this afternoon ... well, I suggested it, and my wife flatly refused, saying that if she won't talk to her doctor about personal issues, she certainly won't talk to a stranger about intimate ones.
I can understand her point to a degree - but it still doesn't suggest to me that she wants to make the effort to sort things out in the bedroom.
We spent almost five months not talking about sex... because, she said, I was pressurising her. Maybe subconsciously I was, but anyway, I didn't broach the subject at all - and we didn't have any kind of sexual contact - at all. So I've given that one a shot.. rather unsuccessfully I would say.
Both your comments are relevant, and have helped me perform a kind of self check of my situation, so I thank you.
Loobyloo - I agree with what you say about losing your sexual side.. or maybe becoming asexual. I think you may well be right to a point. She hasn't pleasured herself in a year or so - I know because I asked her today. We've managed to have a bit of an open conversation - of sorts. We have toys, but she isn't interested at all in using them on herself - or having me use them on her either.
I have tried to explain that our relationship is broken, and that we need to fix it...and also that I can't put up with the current situation forever... not won't .... can't. Unfortunately, she just sees that as me threatening her... I.E threatening to go and get it somewhere else... or threatening to leave her. So that one meets with a complete stonewall. I agree with you about the fire=relationship analogy.. a relationship DOES need all three components to function properly. You have helped, because you've confirmed my actions, and I thank you for that.
Sadgirl - I'm not sure she knows exactly what she feels at the moment... or why, and that must be pretty terrifying in itself for someone... to not understand your feelings regarding something must be almost a time trip back to puberty - never a good time for anyone. I think she does suffer a bit with low self esteem issues... She is a size 18/20 38HH top, with a size 16 bottom, and she is conscious of her size and shape, although I love her the way she is, and tell her this regularly. She used to be a police officer, and I wouldn't be surprised if she didn't suffer at the hands of her male colleagues as a result of her bust size - although she has always denied this to me. She doesn't like me watching porn.. but doesn't seem interested in stopping me.
Thanks for your help so far.
RE: THIS AFTERNOON......
I feel for her... I really honestly do, but I can't ignore my own needs and desires any more.
I initiated quite a frank chat with her this afternoon... a rarity, as she usually gets upset and angry with me when I try to discuss our sex life with her.
My wife told me this afternoon that even the thought of having sex makes her feel physically sick... and the thought of touching me, or me touching her has the same effect. I think I have exhausted just about every permutation of possible physical contact and sexual gratification that it is possible to do.
She also told me that she doesn't find me physically attractive - or any man attractive for that matter.
That was a hard one to deal with.
I asked her if she would rather masturbate me for a couple of minutes, or have me touch her while I masturbated myself - Or would she prefer that I looked at porn, and "sorted myself out" as she calls it.
There was no answer given, so I left it.
I work abroad a lot... and have even asked her if I - or she, could take some revealing pictures of her, so that I could pleasure myself while looking at them..... thus, in a kind of perverse way, keeping some small part of our sexual relationship alive. You can probably imagine where that one went.
We cuddled, and told each other that we loved one another.... and I so wish I could just leave it there... but its so hard not to get aroused by the person you are attracted to, especially when they are near. The sight of her naked in the mornings is beautiful and yet unbearable at the same time.... because I can't reach out and touch her.
I am a former Royal Marine - with combat experience in four theatres worldwide.... and nothing I've been through is as tough as this is - I swear.
I can't drag her screaming to a councillor... I can't seem to explain the severity of the problem... and I can't seem to find a solution which is acceptable to myself...
In short.... I'm stuffed really, aren't I ??
DaveAngel on 04 June 2009 at 6:00am said...
First off, I think if you lived with your in laws as a married couple, then by rights all should expect some healthy sex to be going on in there. The attitude that it is inappropriate might work for unmarrieds but not for a couple...
Has she got an ideological problem- guilt? catholic, new age, other dogmas about ppl? What is the situation with her girlfriends? Does she have some good supportive friends?
Somehow relaying pity, compassion and tenderness to her seems important Bob. No strings...
I think the photos to take with you travelling idea is very affirming for her if she chooses to see it the right way but in the end, her aversion and revulsion is a serious problem.
It is a mystery Bob. would you ask her to log in here and explain how she is feeling about all of this because I am seriously perplexed by it all.
cheers mate,
dave.
Morwenna (a member of the Talk It Out team) on 04 June 2009 at 10:57am said...
Dear Bob
I am so sorry that you are having such a frustrating time. It is actually very normal for a lack of sex to be a symptom of other difficulties in a relationship, for example your wife may be feeling angry with you about something completely different, or both of you may not be able to talk about your feelings because you have been in "macho" jobs. Could you both consider "standing away" from the subject of sex and just practising having honest conversations about other (more neutral) subjects, being open about the feelings you both have and building your communication skills - it may then later be possible for your wife to feel "safe" in sharing her feelings around difficult subjects like sex and self-esteem. Clearly counselling could help enormously with this process, could you reassure your wife that a counsellor will never force her to talk about anything until she is ready to do so. See www.marriagecare.org.uk or www.relate.org.uk for access to counselling. You might also want to have a look at the "Sex/Intimacy and Romance" section on the "Check it Out " section of this site, which has lots of useful information and discussion that may help both of you. Good luck, I hope you are able to rebuild your relationship.
DaveAngel on 04 June 2009 at 4:37pm said...
This is todays relationship drama for me Bob...have you 'been there'?
M*%^#M (a letter), I am feeling pain about you going to a party with the ppl at work (too many unspoken, uncommunicated, undefined boundaries...). I imagine that if you are not certain about deflecting and killing other ppls energy you might begin to think about others, find them attractive, act and have an affair saying things to them, things like;I am (a letter from my wife to me) "as attracted to you as I was when I first met you. I still get warm fuzzy feelings when I think about you, I still feel shivers when you touch me, you are the most hansome, smart, funny special man in the world and I love you more than words could ever express.You are a beautiful person -------, and you deserve to have everything your heart desires. I hope you know this."......maybe even txting them with messages or having dalliances. (I think you know where I am coming from.)I wonder whether someone/s might be attracted to you, and that the opportunity to go out and socialise might be an opportunity for- whoever- to take new opportunities to seduce you.The biggest question is not so much whether you might want that, but whether you might not have the boundaries to withstand someone who is determined.Everyday, when I see the females where I work, I see that ALL of them are attempting to communicate/flirt with me. They are all attracted to me (much to the bewilderment of the males)- I have no doubt. Honestly? I think that is a sign of connection, respect.I am working with this behaviour to let them to know that I am attached, (which anyone who asks knows) as well as being a person who is alert, aware and can communicate at work. I also feel a paternal sense towards ppl there- to help them to develop character/ boundaries/ social skill…Perhaps it is the power to communicate and take charge, but whatever it is, ppl are paying a lot of attention and are slowly learning to translate my passion for my job into a work focus that stands for profits, teamwork and self respect. I am trying to relay this to them…Often I see that the women I work with are mixing work interaction with flirting, other times its all about work.Cindy for example really enjoys the fact that I challenge her to look at the way she does her job and the way she communicates (often she is negative and expecting the worst). She is married, never introduces her husband and both of them become very uncomfortable when I talk business with Cindy when he comes to work in the afternoon. He feels left out. I don’t want to embarrass him, so I decided to bring it up. (Today I decided that I would tell her that she has not introduced me to her most significant other (which sends him the signal that he is excluded unnecessarily- and that is rude), and that it necessary to do so asap.Some of the females at work are just surprised that they find someone who has no interest in flirting and can deflect their own flirting behaviours (want the untouchable). Holly, who is in a relationship, finds this a challenge, and is learning to tone down her attitude. Her boyfriend comes in several times a week ( suspicious- for good reason)) and even still she has attempted to try to seduce me…Katie has been ‘checking me out’, testing me, and then badgering and teasing me… ...to me it is part of the routine which I have to address and work with.I told both her- Katie and Holly- to do their ‘work’, ‘focus on the job’;, ‘take pride in your job’, ‘think about how to please the customers’ … I don’t understand why WE don’t talk about these things, (I imagine every single guy finds you attractive, as well as every other guy who is distracted from their own relationships)… Women are obviously attracted to me.I tell EVERYONE that you are my wife (because it is the best answer, and what I want for us- sorry if it upsets you, but that is what I want) , and I talk about you and tell ppl (mostly the blokes) that you are the person who I think about, relate my experiences to, and that you are the most beautiful woman in the world if they talk about girls. I cant fathom that, if this is kind of stuff is what I have to face on most days, then why doesn’t it happen to you even more!I am suspicious because if that is what I have to face, then what you have to face must either be; way more than mine and you are either repressing awareness of it, or are hiding it from me so that I don’t worry… a secret life.I guess I must be an attractive person, but I know you are too Miriam…So I guess am hoping that I am ‘the guy ‘, The person you talk about, the guy who kills the flirting, the man who you feel special with… that you can send the right signals, ESPECIALLY if you are getting excited about going to go to the pub/club/restaurant and hanging out with the crew- getting in the mood to get loose and friendly...I need to know how to feel comfortable with you (my girl) being out and about in the world…So, in a nutshell, I want to know that everyone knows where you stand, what your status is, and how you feel about me… (take the activities officer Ta&*8na for example… she thinks u should dump me (same as D$%i)… maybe she thinks if she sets u up with a guy from work she will be doing you a big favour…and maybe everyone in the whole place is taking her lead and thinks you are single or ‘need to be saved’ from me.Same thing with D$%i- who hates me (and all the other females we have met who didn’t like me...). Imagine what she says to her boyfriend after you leave… ‘lets invite her out to meet &*$%! I wouldn’t doubt it from her for one second…out of spite, wickedness, moral superiority, whateverrr…)I know that I must be attractive, and I know that you must be attractive too… I need to be able to let you know that I can deflect all the unwanted attention, and I NEED TO KNOW that you too can handle all the ppl you see at work everyday and in your social melieu, and let them know where u stand.I want to be with you, no secrets, no lies, complete honesty. What do u want/think? Love,
faithful on 06 June 2009 at 8:30am said...
Hi again...
Yes Dave, I have been "there"!
We are stuck in a total "catch-22" situation...
My wife knows that I need a physical side to our relationship - Loobyloo was right in her comments earlier in this thread... sex is NEEDED to strengthen the bonds in a relationship...and I can feel our bond slipping away day by day.
We had another "Chat" late last night........ I spent nearly 40 minutes, trying, yet again, to explain how I feel - about my wife, how attractive I find her, how much I love her, how much I want things to be right between us....
I told her yet again that I needed to have a physical relationship with her, and again made some suggestions about how we could do this.
she was on the sofa, I was sitting on the floor, leaning gently on her lap.
I talked, until I was almost in tears - I'm ashamed to say.
She was watching television over my head for almost the entire time. I honestly don't know whether or not she was paying any real attantion - although she assures me that she was.
I go away late sunday night, for the next phase of a fairly dangerous, security contract... the contract lasts until september, I'm supposed to be away for a week. I'm seriously wondering whether I shouldn't stay out there for the remainder of the job. This no sex thing is really getting to me now. Maybe absence really does make the heart grow fonder? - or does it just raise suspicion?
This morning, my wife went for a shower, and came back in to the bedroom. I was still in bed.
I watched her dry herself, and then apply talc to her upper body... her towel dropped, and I was looking at her as a whole, as well as her breasts.
I'd been doing this for literally a few seconds, when I was told " don't look at them!" quite firmly.
So now it would seem that I'm not allowed to even look at her naked... she even threatened to get dressed in the bathroom in future.
I really don't know how to fix this. It seems that on top of everything else, she now has a real complex about her appearance-or her body.
Can anyone answer me this -
How do you help someone, or get someone help, when they won't admit that they have a problem?.
I'm so close to the end of my tether...
Harrybean on 20 August 2009 at 1:29am said...
This situation is very familiar to me, but from the female perspective. I have recently been the woman who is repulsed by her partner trying to initiate sex, and the woman who gets angry with her partner for looking at her when she is naked.
Obviously I cannot speak for your wife but for me, it was my partner of 6 years. I loved him (I still do love him), very deeply, but I just very gradually stopped wanting him and it took me a very long time to acknowledge this because it was so devastatingly painful. I think your wife is in denial about her feelings. She tells you she is not masturbating and this may be true, but if so, it could be because she feels so guilty about her feelings towards you.
I wanted to want him so desperately because I loved him so very much and every other aspect of our relationship brought me fulfilment and joy. I felt guilty and I felt angry.
She knows something is wrong, she knows you have an extremely serious problem. She needs to work out if she really has lost her desire for a sexual relationship or if she has lost it for you alone. I don't know either of you but I believe that if she had lost her sexual desire altogether she would be more willing to communicate this to you and go to you for help in the hopes she could get it back. It sounds more likely that she no longer wants you and because she cares so much for you it is tearing her up as much as it is tearing you up.
I left my partner because I began to fall in love with someone else, and to be honest I think it was a symptom of my relationship at the time rather than the cause of the end of my relationship at the time. Nothing happened with this other man, and it still hasn't, 3 months down the line, I wasn't unfaithful or deceitful, but I totally desired somebody else and then I knew I could no longer be with my partner.
You need to be with somebody who wants you.
Good luck.