2 years ago I got involved with a married man (dont judge me!) We both fell 'in love' deeply... anyway LONG STORY cut short, his job role changed within work and became more demanding, she found out about me, he changed... we decided that we would have time 'apart' so he could 'sort' himself out... which Im letting him do... situation is though, Im scared to move on as I dont wana hurt the next person I get with even though thats the LAST thing on my mind... I cant get him outa my head. I must clarify though that I do not physically sleep with him until 18 months down the line! It was very deepand meaningfull to start off with. We were the best of friends and shared sooo many happy times together.
Im left in limbo really....
Please Log in or Sign up to add your comment. You will still be able to remain anonymous if you wish.
Anonymous on 25 May 2009 at 12:59am said...
hi getting involved with a married man alot of the time leads to heartache im afraid.some men get bored and find it eaier to have fun with someone else than to work on their marriage.i think that you should go and lead your life and have time on your own for abit and work on you before you find some one else then you wont have any issues carrying on to a new relationship.keep busy and the time will come when you will meet some one that you dont have to share with.put this down as a learning experience.
PinkGirl09 on 25 May 2009 at 11:33am said...
awww thank you for that :-) x
sadgirl on 26 May 2009 at 12:00am said...
I unfortunately know your pain. Can I just say, ignore people who say men who are married blah blah blah! everythign is relative and what one person does is not standard to the next!
He may still love you, it is always complicated I know this only too well. But when I think of the pain I go through over the same thing as you I wouldn't wisj that on anyone. overwhelming pain and sadness and then.... he makes up with you he comes back and it all goes ok until next time! the things we do when we love someone and the things some of us go through for that love are such a cost! I hope like I do for myself it is worth it as agonising and pouring all you have into someone in this kinda situation is the hardest thing to do in the world, your heart crys out for their love and yet your feeling weak and afraid inside of whether you are that person to them and then, ... when they confirm you are it's still a battlefield cos of the ties. In my case children.
hows it all now? did this help you realise that I know your feelings very well? and good news Im a female so no games involved!
PinkGirl09 on 26 May 2009 at 8:36pm said...
Hiya Sadgirl,
many thanks for your perspective. I think its quite refreshing to hear someone who understands what Im going through. I havent heard a thing from him in a few weeks now :-( hes also changed his number. Im keeping myself occupied and have alot of friends around me who are very supportive :-) hes just started in the police so the training period was very demanding... that kinda put a massive wedge between us a all the spare time he had was spent on studying for exams. Im almost sure hes back with her now though, gut feeling tells me this. But you know what, more fool her! We had a full on relationship for over 2 years and every bit time he had was spent with me and my family. Im not sure she could ever forgive him for that. No they havent got any kids, which i find strange as they both 36-37... oh well we will see, every one keeps telling me he will be in touch but you know what, Im hoping that I move on and that I do have the opportunity to tell him to do one as thats my best form of revenge ever. I love him very dearly and dont think I will ever stop loving him x
sadgirl on 27 May 2009 at 8:49pm said...
I'm sorry he has changed his number, how cruel!? unless... she has uncovered it? and layed down the law? He obviously has had some reason why but even so, to cut you out like he has!
I agree with you that they are silly and you cant forget what he has had with you, but it is you he is hurting and not her because of their relationship and THAT is CRUEL! it almost equates to that feeling when you are first naievly used by a man for a one night stand, how they shame you for your real genuine emotions and you are left scarred! But harder like a kick in the teeth as they assured you they loved you and with that one would assume they wouldn't leave you broken hearted?
I understand the job change, was this to escape you too? did you meet at work? You know what he is kidding himself he will just forget you! Well done for being so strong although I bet you dont feel it right now? aww stupid man he was lucky to have you!
A few weeks may be time for him to reflect? but in the mean time how about the emotions and uncertainty it is doing to you? that is why he is not saying anything, he is hoping to keep you I reckon by not saying too much otherwise he'd say straight, don't want you? or did he, than agin that wouldn't prove it over if he did as he may be going through the motions and playing your emotions into turmoil at the same time! oh dear!
How is it I can advise you and see clearly for you but not myself? Hope your okay and hope he bucks his ideas up and gives you the biggest hug on the planet cos I bet you need that right now?!
sadgirl on 27 May 2009 at 8:50pm said...
Why did you decide to have time apart?
PinkGirl09 on 28 May 2009 at 10:08pm said...
Hey huni,
We decided to have time apart coz we were driving each other crazy! only because he was mega stressed and was always occupied with work, no we didnt meet at work, we met through his work colleague who I used todrink with many moons ago... Yeh he is crule defo! your right though, not saying alot is making it easier for him but alot harder for me. I did say that If he wanted it to be over then he should tell me, he kept saying 'I cant give you what you deserve' at the time my mind was set on trying to keep him. I got upset (couldnt help it) I was genuinely crying my eyes out and couldnt control myself. More fool her though!! There isnt much love there coz if she gave him everything he wanted he wouldnt have come looking for it right??? He isnt a greedy person at all, infact hes one of the most generous person I know. He always kept telling me 'I cant let you go coz I will live with that regret for the rest of my life' so it was very much emotional blackmail. I dont believe for one minute that It was a case of 'have your cake and eat it' as he never ever spent time at home with her. He did his own food shopping which id help him they even had seperate bank accounts!!!
I love him and think about him every day :-( xx
sadgirl on 01 June 2009 at 9:10pm said...
ahhh bless you, xxx that is a friendly kiss by the way, I feel for you and do know what you are going through. I have heard very similar things and when the man draws you that close to him and something tears them away it cuts like a knife, bet you feel raw?
He can give you what you deserve and has all that time! the question is why is he stopping right now? men are a little timider thsn us women and I'm sure he really loves you! I hate that saying that people say..... IS HE HAVING HIS CKE AND EATING IT!?!!! ARGHHH how dare people suggest this? what if thewy were the one in the situation would they readily say it then?! NO!
Sounds like he is torn over shoulds and wants? someone is making him feel he should do the right thing! well like me I think you know when this has happened there is no righting it! he is kidding himslf hunny. but for you please be gentle and kind to yourself, I know you miss the love terribly I would sweetheart! And no he wouldnt have gone looking if he was happy.
If you drove each other crazy it was cos you ;loved each other, been there and still there! do you think for a min he feels the intensity he had with you with her? nope! hang in there lil chick!
hope it works out keep me posted. I care.
PinkGirl09 on 01 June 2009 at 9:51pm said...
Aww huni, thats exactly how Im feeling! Ive had the 'cake and eat it' senerio ect ect... just doesnt cut it with me. He has sworn that if she 'made him happy' he wudnt have gone searching else where for a major piece thats missing in his life. Its hard to lose someone you deeply care about and love. I feel like hes died (only way I can explain it) The not knowing what hes upto and how he is was driving me insane. That was until I started to realise that things always happen for a reason. Not me hoping though just very optimistic really.
There wasnt a whole day that I never saw him or had contact with him. I feel that there is an empty piece missing inside me. Im crying inside all the time. I have never experienced love like that before, just the shear intensity of it all. Im 27 like so Im not a child and Ive experienced crap relationships ect.
He is a good man. Hes just very mixed up! I have no doubt in my mind that if he is back with her then hes just kidding himself. She has never been able to make him happy or laugh the way we did. I do think though at this point our age gap (hes now 36 and Im 27) is an issue for him. Shes probably told him that I wana 'play the field' ect??? Anyway, hes been with her 15 years since he was younger, married for 5 years and no kids. Maybe he wants to play the field for abit to 'discover' himself again.
I just dont know what to think. When I last saw him he asked me if I could give him space which I did. He also suggested in '6 months' would I wana give it another go?
Im just stuck in limbo and I am hoping for the best outcome but we will see....xx
Anonymous on 04 June 2009 at 3:40am said...
I'm making this statement as a married woman, not trying to sound or be judgemental, but as someone who has been cheated on, I think I can offer a unique and honest perspective. I find it interesting that you made the following comment: "But you know what, more fool her! We had a full on relationship for over 2 years and every bit time he had was spent with me and my family. Im not sure she could ever forgive him for that." If you turn that comment back on yourself, was he not also with another woman, albeit his wife, during that time period? He was never fully committed to either of you two. His love or profession of it, was guilty love, and he's talking bad about his wife to make himself feel better about it and to provide you with some justification with going along with him. True love is not a strong, fiery, impetuous passion. On the contrary, it is calm and deep in its nature. It looks beyond mere externals, and is attracted by qualities alone. It is wise and discriminating, and its devotion is real and abiding. This man is neither in love with you nor his own wife. The sooner you realize that, then the sooner you will realize just how he played you.
PinkGirl09 on 05 June 2009 at 11:41pm said...
being 'played' is not the case although I do value your opinions. I find it hard to think why he did feel the need to stray away??? But I have asked several male friends about this and most say sex (I didnt get intimate with him until 18 months down the line) It must have been for several reasons; Im more attractive than his wife, Im alot younger, I showed him alot of attention that he probably craved at that time?
What Im getting at (and I do understand all your opinions) is there was something missing in his 'marriage' for him to go activly seek out me.
I do believe he did love me, maybe not how he used to tell me and he did love his wife. He was torn between the 2 of us. I did not give him any ultimatums, just asked for total honesty. There was plenty of times I was prepared to walk away from him but he begged and pleaded with me.
Im not saying Im better than his 'wife' what Im saying is he found something in me that was more appealing to him...
You can't help who you love & fall in love with. I never imagined Id ever be in this situation :-(
Anonymous on 06 June 2009 at 1:40am said...
Someone who is married has made, in most cases, a committment before God and their family. They have taken vows to love and be faithful to the other person, in sickness/ health, richer/ poorer, ultimately until death. True love means to care for and treat another person in a loving manner no matter what. A man who has an affiar is betraying his wife and quite frankly he is spineless. Whether or not your relationship was sexual for 18 months is irrelevant. This man clearly wanted to stay married, yet deceived his wife for a very long time. To me, that says everything about his character- he is deceptive, only cares about his own needs, and does not consider the pain he caused you or his wife by his actions. He has not shown true love to you or his wife. Perhaps he came clean with his wife and they are trying to work things out. This would of course be difficult, but not impossible if he finally was honest with her, himself, and God. I would recommend counseling to help you move on. I am trying to help someone very close to me cope with the horrible, devastating pain of her husband cheating. I assure you that her pain is far worse than anything you could imagine since she was deceived for so long.
sadgirl on 07 June 2009 at 12:49pm said...
I am really cross reading these peoples advice to you pink girl!!! How dare they? BRING GOD into it! for heavens sake not everyone believes that and it is in fact a doctrination!!! a passive one at that but a brain washing reason for pain in life and an outlet source of release and escape from the hard crule natural world we live in!
To assume it is nothing more than SEXUAL is ignorant! so ... beacause he has a wife it cannot be anything more than sexual?! pah!
Trying to work things out with wife? really and god will enable that will he? hahahahahah madness!
He may care for this woman too actually! And he may not be caring for his needs only! he is teid down and unhappily if having an affair!!
oh lets all take the POOR WIFE SYNDROME, POOR POOR POOR WIFE.
sadgirl on 07 June 2009 at 12:53pm said...
poor pink girl, dont let these people who are supposed to be offering SUPPORT! get you further down! I don't get why people reply to others if they can't say anything positive, People dont come here hurt to be further hurt! durrghhhhhhhhhh
Anonymous on 07 June 2009 at 1:42pm said...
Sadgirl you equally have no right to dismiss the wife, do you! The wife is the one people should feel sorry for here! You are mad....
POOR AFFAIR PEOPLE EH POOR AFFAIR PEOPLE......NOT!
pinkgirl09 he has changed his number how clear is that that he is not interested anymore! What are you waiting for? You got what you deserved and from reading your story he has used you, and I wet myself laughing when they stick with their wives or husbands.
ALL GOOD THINGS COME TO THOSE THAT WAIT, NOT STEAL!
Anonymous on 07 June 2009 at 2:51pm said...
To the above poster... aww you obviously havent got the 'balls' so you remain 'anonymous' HOW DARE you slate this poor girl! I totally agree with Sadgirl, this isnt a site for bringing down people and trying to cause them more emotional hurt.
PinkGirl, don't listen to these few narrow minded people. I sympathise and understand your situation totally. These people obviously have yet to experience this kind of hurt in there lifes and god help them when the table turns!
This girl isnt to blame, its this man who have distroyed this young individuals life not to mention tarred his own image too. I dont think his 'wife' will ever trust him again and to be honest Id be quite suprised if she isnt actually looking into divorcing him in the near future.
Dont worry pinkgirl, not everyone on here is pathetic and negative towards your feelings and hurt...
Anonymous on 07 June 2009 at 3:19pm said...
What a joke and why exactly have you stayed ANONYMOUS!!!!!!!!
I am perfectly within my right to express an opinion. This is also not a site to "Big up" liars and cheats.
Funny how she hasnt heard from him though, he has probably had the shock of his life, the thought of losing his wife, you know the one he MARRIED, and is probably trying hard to work thing's out with her which I hope he is doing.
DaveAngel on 07 June 2009 at 9:48pm said...
'I assure you that her pain is far worse than anything you could imagine since she was deceived for so long.'
Wrong.
Because the nature of her commitment was different- the implied and shared dreams, hopes, fears, responsibilities, challenges...and the risks etc...are what sets them apart... ...not deception over time...
I challenge you to not get gods wishes and your own confused...
goddit?
Hope so,
Allahu akbar, shalom, namaste, peace...
daveangel.
Anonymous on 07 June 2009 at 9:53pm said...
Oh, and guys,
...the only reason to put a tag on your post is for clarity and continuity...dont forget that we are all anonymous after all...
daveangel.
Tuck on 07 June 2009 at 11:43pm said...
Attacking people for their decisions probably doesn't help in any situation. I don't feel I have to pat everyone on the back - if you read my posts, they're as likely to be challenging as straightforwardly supportive - but I strive to be gentle. Discussing affairs is difficult, because there are as many people on here hurt because their partners have had affairs as there are people having them and getting hurt because they don't work out. That will need a lot of restraint on both sides if we're to avoid angry, unpleasant fallings out.
PinkGirl09 on 08 June 2009 at 12:02am said...
you all entitled to your opinions which I understand but blantantly 'attacking' me and making really nasty comments is hurtful. Shame on you more like!
Anyway, thanks to all the nice people on here who havent got 'cold hearts' and are more human than the minority on here...
sadgirl on 09 June 2009 at 12:04pm said...
mannn, strong reactions on here I have provoked! hahah nice one dave angel (you proved a very good point about differences and deserving a sort of unbearable pain). god will sort us all out yeah? hahah
sadgirl on 09 June 2009 at 12:06pm said...
I just know one thing, when you get women on here saying think of wife etc etc etc it means one thing, they are AFRAID! we all have needs MARRIED OR NOT. I personally dont agree with marriage only devotion you CANNOT OWN ANOTHER HUMAN BEING EVER! FREEEEEEEEEEEEDDDDDDDDDDDOOOOOOOOOMM
sadgirl on 09 June 2009 at 12:10pm said...
I make myself laugh, ironically I am in pain. I try to help others and to open peoples eyes to situations only to find others are not so caring like myself. hey ho we cant all be BRILLIANT! seems to me some GET IT ALL rest of us travel hard lonely paths. my heart is officially breaking as my partner says let me have two lifes, ok what if I asked requested the same thing to him when he was giving his whole entire heart soul and being. maybe after all I am ALONE?
PinkGirl09 on 09 June 2009 at 4:35pm said...
sadgirl; your extremely spot on :-) everyone always says 'awww poor wife' what about me?!! Ive been hurt too! Its the whole deception of being in love with someone. I know its really and I
PinkGirl09 on 09 June 2009 at 4:41pm said...
haha above post conitnued;
I think about him every single day. I miss him sooo much it makes me cry inside as I feel lost without him. I do know she has never and never will be able to have the relationship we had. It was genuine and the only lies he told was to her. Infact, not even being big headed, his mates adored me (most still do!) she has never met any of his work colleagues or friends as she has simply said 'Im not interested' clarified by his sister & other mates. He is very outgoing as I am, I love to socialise. I fitted into his circloe of friends as he did with mine. It didnt feel like for 1 minute some sordid affair. Unless people have been in a similar situation I dont know how people can judge me. I am human after all and I have been hurt more than you can ever imagine. This man has made me the happiest person alive and I feel as if hes 'died' :-(
Anonymous on 09 June 2009 at 5:48pm said...
Yes but you are still on your own, he changed his number and has basically dumped you! So looks like wifey won eh! You say it yourself you love him and are sad, he has made no contact has he? Surely it doesnt matter to him how you feel now does it otherwise he would contact you wouldnt he?
So do you really want to stay loving a man that doesnt give two hoots about you? Get a grip and get over him, he did use you, you just dont want to admit to that!!!!
DaveAngel on 09 June 2009 at 9:46pm said...
Perhaps all that experience will be treasured on the road to finding lasting fulfillment Pink...
I think it is alot like having a death in the family and that grieving will be a necessary part of that. I think it is worth smiling as you remember all the good things, and just perhaps you will start to see the happy times ahead.
Take care mate,
Anonymous on 09 June 2009 at 11:03pm said...
to anonymous above DaveAngel;
Listen here right now, You sad pathetic loser! You OBVIOUSLY are extremely narrow minded to pick on someone who is extremely hurt and down. How cruel and inhumanian are you?!! What good is that advice? NOTHING!
This girl needs PROPER advice from adults who have 'been there and done that' not small minded miniority who think its 'clever' to bring someone down even further.
PinkGirl, I say always follow your heart. This man may have a valid reason as to why he changed his number, maybe hes giving you the space he needed??? Its cruel I know but men are very strange creatures lol. Yes hes been a divvy for hurting you Im sure hes sorry in his own way but you MUST definately concentrate on yourself and do yourself a favour DO NOT LISTEN TO THESE PEOPLE WHO CRITISIZE SOMETHING they know very LITTLE about.
Keep your chin up and what will be will be :-) Peace & Love, Angel x
sadgirl on 19 June 2009 at 5:47pm said...
Finally i see the minority can influence a majority! woohoo, I stuck up for you pinkgirl and may have got some fighting talk back but the minority influenced the majority with her good rational non emotive talk and managed to get people to look at what really matters here, support, non judgment ears and maybe some advice and caring views. I would like to say this; most people are not aware of the way they communicate it just spills out and all sorts come with it, meaning in psychology terms people talk emotively loaded and dont think of the big picture. these thoughts can be building and stop others getting you down.
And good does come out of bad dave angel is tres right! I learned all these things through others making life painful, I reached for answers and found strength beyond needing others to agree with me, i dont need them and neither does anyone of us. here here.
PinkGirl09 on 24 June 2009 at 10:22pm said...
My heart still bleeding :-( I know I love him with all my heart and there isnt a second that goes by that Im not missing him or thinking about him... I still havent had any contact now :-( x
sadgirl on 26 June 2009 at 8:50pm said...
still no contact? how long pink girl? xxx sounds like he's ran away what a heartbreak for you, xxxxx i feel really sorry and i bet it makes you damn cross it would me! type us back x
DaveAngel on 26 June 2009 at 9:23pm said...
This comment has been removed by the Talk It Out Team
PinkGirl09 on 27 June 2009 at 10:11pm said...
yes still not contact :-( Im proper hurting now... really sad inside... but i take great comfort in believing he thinks of me everyday as I do of him xxx
PinkGirl09 on 05 July 2009 at 10:54pm said...
Im still sad... just wish he would get in touch really. Guess things happen for a reason? x
PinkGirl09 on 10 August 2009 at 11:40pm said...
UPDATE; Its now been over 5 months now, still no sign of him. But on the plus side I have realised just how nice looking I am by all the attention Im getting from alot of men (upto 10 so far lol). Its done me the world of good and Im now starting to realise that I was FAR TOO GOOD for him... its his loss x
Greenman on 17 October 2009 at 9:37am said...
Pinkgirl and Sadgirl both, as a man who has been on the other end of this, I would just like to say one thing. If after developing a relationship with you, the man was not willing to IMMEDIATELY look into divorcing the wife, and get the ball rolling there, odds are, he was with you because something was missing in his marriage, and an affair being brought to light made his wife realize what she needed to do (if she planned to try to work things out). If he has not legally seperated from the spouse at this point, odds are he is not going too. I understand the pain you are in...believe me. I went thru this for almost 8 months while my wife was with another man, and I sat at home with our children while she was with him. But, she NEVER once said she was ready for a divorce, and in the end, came back crying about everything that had happened. In both of your situations I truly feel sad for you. The best advice I can give you is to move on, and if the man comes back, tell him you are not interested until he can show you some paperwork on his pending divorce. Best of luck to you : )
PinkGirl09 on 17 January 2010 at 10:04pm said...
Greenman, yes such strong advice! You know what, they say times a great healer! and god damn it its right! Instead of feeling bitter about this situation I found myself, Ive turned it into a life 'learning curve' which in turn has made me a damn sight stronger than ever. Theres NO WAY on this earth I would EVER take him back into my life, not in a million years! his wife may 'have won' but I tell you now shes the one who has to live with this not me. Im lucky that I had an escape as I was far too good for him.
The majority on here are extremely small minded to think the 'poor wife' symdrome' well get over yourselfs, lets hope you experience severe heartache then complain about it???
Sadgirl, can you message me your email addy???
Thanks people...xxx
misspimpus1999 on 07 February 2010 at 5:43pm said...
Pink Girls having just read your last post I am so glad that you moved on and you are not grieving after him... I so understand your situation. i have been having an affair with a married man for nearly seven years now, we lived together for the majority of this time. He worked away from home in a different city and rented a flat near his workplace and I lived with him there. In the first year of knowing him I did not know he was married and was soo heart broken when i found out.... that I did not have a strenght to leave him... I stayed... before I knew it seven years have passed... he was my everythign, my social life was limited to him, I graduated from the unversity and got a good job from Monday to Friday, every evening I would spend with him becaue he would go back to his wife on weekends.. Weekends i was cathcing up with sleep and waited for him until he got back suday night.. I had a few close friends when it started and I told them about out relationship. They did not approve it and I am not in contact with them anymore... He lost his job in our city and he had to move back to his wife six months ago. I suddenly found myself alone where I had to find a new place to live and face life without him. He still calls me often and comes to see me because he know how I miss him and that overal the years he became my only close friend. i miss him so much... although I know we are not going to be together ever again, I can;t pull myslef together, it;s been six months and I cry so often and feel so lonely, i try to help myslef but it is so hard to move on and forget after such a long time... I am still very young in my twenties, I did not know what I am getting myself into when our relationship started, I was very young then.. he was such a support for me, not just lover, the only person close to me ... It is just getting worse because there is no one i can't talk to about it.eh..
PinkGirl09 on 18 February 2010 at 8:49pm said...
Misspimpus, your situation sounds very similar to mine. time is a great healer and as time goes by you WILL get stronger. These men are the lowest of the low. I actually feel sorry for his poor wife who has took him back to 'make' things work. Well its never going to work other wise he would never have strayed in the first place. I have learnt that a man who cheats will cheat again. He is obviously extremely selfish, greedy and most of all he doesnt give a damn about who he hurts.
I can only speak from my experience. Its took me alot of soul searching to realise that it wasn't meant to be. For once in my life I am living it for 'me' not anyone else.
Make short term and long term goals for yourself to help you get by. Surround yourself with happy people. Don't sit and dwell on things as they will only consume you. Get out and start enjoying yourself and find the real you babe!
This was a very big traumatic time for me but I got through it with all of the above.
Hope this helps you xxx
sadgirl on 30 May 2010 at 12:44pm said...
hey pink girl, my email address arghhhhhhhh i cant type that on here i will get hate mail! how do we contact one another? perhaps u can create a new email address? and let me have it?
I also have been left, he has cut up his sim card, i have no contact anymore and many many things have caused this, I am struggling like hell as he was a part of my life daily a huge part! now he wanted to split, now he has it and i cant help but cry when i think he can do this to me my life and what we had.