Help - I don;t know what to do. I just found my boyfriend wanking over a girl online. He was using his webcam and it eas obvious they were both at it.
Please help, I feel so betrayed and don;t know what to do.
Julie
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Anonymous on 09 December 2008 at 10:14am said...
Hi Julie, That must have been a huge shock! You need to try to talk about this with your boyfriend - I guess he knows you saw him? Find out if he knew her in real life, if he was paying for it, etc. Almost all men masturbate, so try not to worry too much - if he didn't know her in the real world, for him it was probably not very different from watching a video of it.
Maybe you need to talk about what is and is not acceptable in your relationship - I'd be very hurt like you are and I'd ask my boyfriend not to do it again, but you need to find your own solution,
Good luck,
JJ
Anonymous on 03 January 2009 at 8:28pm said...
why can't girls just accept that all guys do this!
loobyloo on 03 January 2009 at 9:12pm said...
Oh please, so if you found your partner masterbating with someone of the opposite sex on a web cam you would be totally happy with it would you? Its just as bad as cheating, just because the other person isn't actually in the same room, its still doing a sexual act with someone else. The line has to be drawn somewhere.
Anonymous on 04 January 2009 at 4:51pm said...
no way is that acceptable its got to stop.men think just cause there men they can get away with anything an eveerything.
Anonymous on 28 January 2009 at 8:47pm said...
It's quite normal, I wouldn't read too much into it. Talk to him about it. Maybe he was feeling a liitle frustrated. If you don't talk you won't find out if there is a real issue there. So talk, I know its embarrassing.
Anonymous on 23 February 2009 at 7:46pm said...
I HAVE BEEN WITH MY PARTNER FOR 10 YRS I USED TO LIKE SEX BUT WILL PUT UP WITH IT IF I HAVE TO HE GETS VERY FRUSTRATED AND MAD WITH ME. I HAVE TO PUT UP WITH HIM WANKING HIMSELF WHEN WE ARE IN BED. I DON'T LIKE IT. BUT I DON'T WANT TO LOOSE HIM
Anonymous on 11 March 2009 at 9:37pm said...
Honestly if it was me and I'm male and in a long term relationship I wouldn't be doing it to betray your trust, I wouldn't want you to find out because generally I think men and women view porn very differently.
To us I think it's nothing more than a wank. An easy way of relieving a days stresses and entirely meaningless. Live shows are a prefference of some, just like fetish or boob size or any other form of porn.
I honestly wouldn't be too worried. I wouldn't say it's anything to do with the way you look or satisfy him in any way.
He is as most men are. A wanker!
Anonymous on 18 March 2009 at 4:29am said...
I'm not a wanker actually. I just like wanking
Anonymous on 19 March 2009 at 6:52am said...
i was away for a month and found out my boyfriend was on the webcam with other females that would masturbate on the cam for him. he knows some of them in real life. he also denies that he masturbated to it, of course i wasnt there so i dont know. The problem now is that since came back, he doesn't cum during sex anymore. I don't know what to do and i think he cheated, but i dont want to leave him without evidence. i know he cheated on all his past girlfriends, but he denies that he would do it to me. Even though i found messages of him telling a girl to come over and how he wanted to do her, what do i do?
Anonymous on 20 March 2009 at 12:45am said...
Coming from a bloke - your bf is being a complete asshole. Wanking over a girl he knows online is definitely cheating in my view, and if he has asked a girl to come over and said he want to do her while you're away, how can you trust him?
Makes me angry when so many guys excuse other men's bad behaviour just by saying, "we're blokes, it doesn't mean anything". Bullshit.
Anonymous on 01 April 2009 at 12:13am said...
I agree with the last comment, he's completely crossed the line, I think a webcam is bad enough but with someone he knows, it becomes too personal!
On a similar theme, went out for a looong leisure lunch with the girls on saturday, got home, boyfriend went to bed & I fell asleep on the coach. Woke up a few hours later & went to bed. He tried it on, I was too tired & said so. A few minutes later he went to the toilet & then into the front room instead of back to bed. I waited a few minutes & walked quietly into the room & he had a free sky 'porn' channel on sky & I swear he had his hand down his pants but it ws so quick, I'm not too sure now. If he wasn't he has certainly admitted he was about to have a wank.
I'm furious & hurt. I feel it's sleazy, I masturbate occassionaly (when he's not at home). I'm open minded & don't expect that he'll never wank again but I find it sinister that he 'crept' off for a wank while I was in another room. He doesn't seem to get that!
Now if he goes to bed before me or I want to go to bed, I want to make sure i'm in the same room, other people can't trust their partners when their out of sight, but will I be able to trust him again at home?
I was a lap dancer & worked on chat lines, so like to think i'm open minded, I'm open to porn if it's used a couple, but I don't like him watching porn in what I feel is a sneeky way. Am I over-reacting?
DaveAngel on 01 April 2009 at 7:46am said...
This comment has been edited by a member of the "Talk It Out" team
Part of this comment has been deleted as it contravened para 3.1.6 of the Terms and Conditions of use of the site.
MEANINGLESS is the perfect personality descriptor here here in my opinion...What the heck? How blatant can the justifications get? Loser...
Personally if I was going out with someone that low and skanky, I would be asking myself- 'how did I get here and what is this low-life doing in my house?" Dont you agree?
I wouldnt take it personal at all, not one bit, as I threw their skanky gear out on the street...I mean really, there is the carpets to consider...
daveangel.
DaveAngel on 01 April 2009 at 8:01am said...
...look, if I have to go down the local internet cafe and everyone is 'doin it live' because it is not really sexual or anything... I am not gonna be happy ok?...
Anonymous on 21 April 2009 at 3:54pm said...
its onlly in his head most men wank and think of some girl
Anonymous on 23 April 2009 at 2:44pm said...
get it into your head that he doesnt find you attractive (although you probably have a great personality) and needs something a bit more aesthetically pleasing to get him off? once you can overcome that your relationship should be back on track.
hope this helps
Anonymous on 23 April 2009 at 3:42pm said...
Ignore the person above - he/she is just trying to be controversial.
Anonymous on 03 May 2009 at 3:10am said...
hmm. really im not too sure. it depends on the extent. in my opinion, a man has the right to wank over who he likes, since he has been doing it for ages he may not see it as meaning as much. other men may see differently. the fact is, if hes wanking over an someone in his head, he is not cheating. but the whole webcam thing is too far
Anonymous on 15 May 2009 at 2:38pm said...
my comment would be, if your boyfriend had asked you to masturbate him because he was horny at the time, would you have said yes? - I'm not making excuses for men, but some of us seem to be wired differently to you girls.
My wife isn't that fond of sex - she finds it quite painful and she would rather masturbate me for a couple of minutes until i orgasm, than have me lay in bed and do it next to her.. and she certainly wouldn't be keen on masturbating over porn -or over a webcamming girl!
I should add that I'm very highly sexed.. and my wife relieves me two or three times a week. yes I know, I'm very lucky!!
Anonymous on 22 May 2009 at 2:05am said...
This comment has been edited by a member of the "Talk It Out" team
(Comment deleted by a member of the TIOT as abusive, contravening para 3.1.6 of the Terms and Conditions of use of the site.)
melonstar on 29 October 2009 at 2:35pm said...
This post has raised some issues in my head. I have always found it difficult to deal with the fact that most men like to look at porn on the internet or on videos but really, I don't understand how modern men say 'well its just cos we are men and we have needs' - I mean how did men cope for years and years in the past without it? Also if I was going onto dating websites and chatting to men online, even using the webcam, he wouldn't like that! At what point does it become unfaithfulness? It's alright saying 'its just a picture' 'its not real' but every pic or video is a real woman! For me being live makes a big difference, it's like phone sex with pictures and the real-time reacting to each other of the webcam means it is a consensual sexual act with another person, regardless of where that person is. But then I wam left wondering what is my line? Are videos ok? Are pictures ok? Why is it that men need this visual stimulation to wank off? As a woman I touch myself when I feel the need, its not like I have to spend an hour online with strange men telling me I am sexy and that they want to be with me so I can get horny! I don't understand why guys are so precious about it! If my man is horny I want him to call me or come to me to have his needs met. I think men use porn like this simply because it is there and it turns them on to feel rebellious. The trouble is that it affects the way their ladies feel in ways they cant really understand and in that way I think it is a dangerous modern phenomenon. Just my thoughts! xxx
Anonymous on 29 October 2009 at 3:16pm said...
I think this is getting out of hand. Like most things in life, how you view this is very much a personal thing. Yes, men do masterbate...women masterbate...but this is not about that. This is about respect and acceptable behaviour when you are in a relationship. And that is different for all of us...however, I will say that what is acceptable behaviour when you are single, is not always acceptable when you are in a relationship...the rules change and, if you are serious about your partner, you understand and respect this.
When you think about what you saw, what was it that offended you most? Was it that you were caught off-guard? Was it the act itself? Was it circumstances around it? i.e. porn online. Whatever it is, you won't get anywhere guessing and second-guessing...decide where you stand on this for you, then simply talk to him...ask him how he feels about it, tell him how you feel about it and come to an agreement on it...there is no other way around it, it's time to talk.
Good luck x
Anonymous on 24 December 2009 at 7:56pm said...
I had an experience like this, and simple and plain...my gf and I broke up over it. I always told her I liked teasing, the act of of someone desiring you but it has to be with someone you don't find attractive and aren't emotionally connected to. I had done this "teasing act" before and talked to her about it, told her how I liked it and how I'd like it if she did it. Flash forward a few months and I was completely loaded and went on webcam with a girl that fit the criteria. No, I didn't wank it. I changed in front of her. I had no attraction to her, and no emotional connection. I did know her, we chatted a couple times a year on msn and had hung out with mutual friends 7 yrs ago. She was very insignificant to me, hence the reason I did it. While doing it though, I stopped myself when I came to the realization that my gf probably wouldn't be comfortable with this. Later on though, I felt kinda guilty about it and figured I should tell my gf about it. It didn't blow over well at all. In her eyes, what I did meant that sure it was "teasing" now but eventually it would turn into me being drunk and screwing around. This simply wasn't true, I had been really drunk around girls and not done anything with them and I had never developed and emotional or physical connection with another girl. This is what is so frustrating about it.It's like less significant than grinding with a member of the opposite sex.
Now if your guy is mutually masterbating with a girl he knows online. I could see that as an act of cheating. But what I did, simply wasn't cheating and I never had the intention to ever actually cheat on her.
I guess my advice is. Find someone that can accept you sexuality. And if you're not actually getting physically or emotionally involved with someone else. Don't even bother telling your bf or gf. It will just raise up pointless insecurities.
DaveAngel on 25 December 2009 at 2:29pm said...
DONT EXPECT TO GET DECENT ADVICE THAT ANSWERS YOUR QUESTION FROM PORN ADDICTS! That is like going to a alcoholic and asking how to get off the bottle, or the crack dealer for the same advice.
Watching porn while married or in a relationship is mental and emotional cheating (same as fantasising about others while having sex). If they jerk off then it is physical.
If they are using a webcam and getting off with another girl/guy online, then that is physical even though it is voyeuristic. Dont allow yourslef to be fooled.
That is justifying behaviour which erodes your dignity and self respect and opens u to worse abuses.
Ppl- u have to wake up now and see how u are being betrayed, abused, lied to, or worse, addicted and delusional if u r a user in a relationship.
IThere many issues which will be generated form the misery porn causes, familial, relationship, social, moral...
It is time to draw clear lines and boundaries ASAP if u r going to remain sane.
Anonymous on 26 January 2010 at 3:28pm said...
I was with my boyfriend for 5 years. I actually met him on a CHAT site (not a sex site). I didn't have any plans to meet him, but he kept on so much and lived 70 miles away so I ended up agreeing.There has been so much go on, I cannot stop this from turning into an essay, so sorry.
We met about a month after chatting online, we then would book hotels to see each other every 2-4 weeks (and chat online/phone in between)... we couldn't stay over at each others because we both lived with our parents. He was 34, I was 19 (he'd recently split up from a 5 year relationship so had to move back in with his parents).We had sex, got intimate etc etc. After about a year he got offered a job abroad, he took it and I was guttered. But he asked if we could still 'be together'. I agreed, because I didn't want to let go. He went and we'd only send the odd email at first until he got internet at home. Eventually he got internet and we'd chat online, but he was very distant never would show much interest. He'd fly back about once a month to see his parents and we'd stay in a hotel for the night, and ya know...
This went on for about 18 months. Until eventually he wanted me to move in with him over there. I went and we were there for 5 months, our sex life died, I have no idea, he just wasn't interested. We had to come back 5 months later due to money issues. So we had to move back in with our parents.
Basically 2 years on, he dumped me (not the first time) over the phone. No real reasons why. I did some research the other night... I found his photo/profile (with the exact same username he used when he met me, had all his date of birth even his postcode. Said he likes blowjobs, on webcam all the time and possible face to face meet). My heart sank, I confronted him online and he denied it! saying someone took his photo and made it up. He was lying, the profile is gone now so he obviously deleted it.
He admitted to talkting to women/girls for upto 7 months into our relationship. But deep down I now know he did it all the way through our 5 year relationship. He used to 'cam' me at first and it's obvious he was doing it behind my back with other women too.I am guttered, I feel sick. It is wrong to cam up women sexually on the internet it is cheating. If a man does that and his partner finds out she will be hurt. If you want to mess around and 'have fun' remain single, that way NO ONE gets hurt! 5 years wasted on a pervert basically.
Anonymous8 on 28 January 2010 at 4:58pm said...
I've come to the conclusion that a wank is harmless. As long as it doesn't involve another girl in the screen that will end a relationship. However, I have a question to ask to get from both male/female perspectives. I'm currently married and are in the early stages. I found him this morning having a wank or getting into it for better words in another room. Let me add I myself enjoy sex and all related anytime. My husband tells me he's always really attracted to me and even gets hard when I'm beside him in bed if I do or say something whilst him looking at me. We have pretty amazing love life, so that's why it seems odd.
This off guard act I found this morning really hurt me at first. He did this in the bathroom one night, when i rolled over asleep being up for it but too tired on the odd occasion. I understand how it was just that a wank - but realsied I felt to blame "not good enough" and I found it disgusting that (shortly after i woke up and wonder where he was) to find him there, and he told me. With me the only thing I expect is honesty/respect.
Yet this morning I asked why didn't you wake me up for it - and he said that'd be rude and if we did it takes more time, rather a wank is done in a few. Then i said well Id rather blow you and get involved then you secretly do that, cause I want it too! However, last time he said if it offends you that much I won't do it. I tried to make him understand by saying that remember when you said its either the real deal or nothing -when i jokingly mentioned me with a dildo. I said imagine if you saw me with it having a cracker and that first thought. he felt pretty guilty today, like he screwed things up again. But I feel like i have to question trust over something silly. I also said this type of thing makes me ask if I'm good enough or attractive - is my body ok. I thought it may of been porn on when i caught him but it seemed as though it was a t.v show, once i settled. He said he's never felt so embaresssed.
So should I be concerned at all with anything?
xxxxxx on 06 February 2010 at 10:04am said...
Well for all you wankers out there, you know who you are, sneaking to the webcam while the little lady is asleep, doing it online with women that are yonger and prettier than your wife, thinking what you do is normal and all ok, you all disquist me, My X=guy does it all the time, i saw his revolting webcam tonight and I want to be sick, he does it so much he needs physio on his right shoulder it nearly fell off,I wish it did, we don't have sex because I am not an 18 year old sex kitten,he cannot even bear to look at me, he never opens his eyes, i want to put a bag over my head and I am an attractive fit couger, he has had onlinefantasies with young women for so long, he cannot look me in the eye, and can;t pleasure me any longer,the thing dosnt get hard with me, he dosn't want me, he wants them. The reason I put up with him is because he has turned into a roomate, we have separate bedrooms, and share meals together, that is it, and this has progressed over meaningless online crap, oh and you should hear him sweet talk, he wants to marry them all, how ever does he keep track of all his lies>? A true pervert, I feel so ugly and unwanted cause he never touches me,and when I do, I cringe.. I let myself go for a year and now I am at the gym, empowering myself and when I get all my self integrity back, I am going to leave his sorry ass, for making feel like a worthless piece of nothing, used and abused yeah guys, it's just harmless - give me a break -
feel free to comment
xxxxxx on 06 February 2010 at 10:08am said...
I hope Dave Angel *above* comes back on board, to comment and share his experiences, scuse the typos, I am writing in the dark.
annonomous on 16 April 2010 at 8:29pm said...
This comment has been edited by a member of the "Talk It Out" team
hi i am currently going through a rough stage and dont really no what to do i calt my partner wanking in the front room while i was to bed naked he gave me a kiss before he was going to work and then sat in the front room for a while and i came in becus i thought it was well quite in here and i needed my phone for an alarm and then i wanked in he jumped out his skin, and couldnt really turn telly off quick enough i saw he was watching (name of channel removed against T&C) t.v ( woman bobbing her ass up and down on a phone) i know it dont sound like a lot it ripped my heart out though becus i never falt he would look else where u no at another woman and i certainly never falt he would do it wile i was awake in other room and naked aswell i mean i said to him get out and go work and i called him all names under sun i didnt know how to react i was going to leave and instead i decided to stay and confront him when he got home he thought i was going to leave him he told me that was all he was thinking about in work!!although i never did im starting to think should i have because i just cant trust him now keep checking up on him and wats worse is he can get access to that channel everyday when im not around and im well paranoid when i go a work and everything and have been blaming myself for a long time now was bot 3 months ago since calt him!! i mean dont get me wrong i understand wankings natural that especially when single i just dont understand why he went looking while hes with me and it aint like he could have been frustrated because we were at it quite regular,keep putting meself down and thinking its way i look i dnt know whether to love him or hate him for it ya know hopeing someone cud help me see what hell am ment to feel and do????
ANON01 on 21 April 2010 at 2:41pm said...
I'd like to say first that I've been using this site for a while now and it's a place for people to share experiences and support each other. Those people who write mean and judgemental things shouldn't be on here and those who are seeking advice should pay no attention to any message which they take to be in any way offensive or upsetting.
This is such a difficult subject and each of us has our own opinions and experiences of it, what I think is important is to know your own boundaries and what's acceptable to you. I'm female, have an amazing boyfriend who I've been with for two years, we don't live together, I watch porn sometimes and masturbate as does my boyfriend. To me this is in no way cheating, we have also watched porn together too. This does not make me a porn addict, as one comment suggested. In some ways I think I'm more like a man than a woman, and I'm not excusing anyone's behaviour when I say this, but I think for men needing a wank is like having an itch that needs to be scratched. When I pleasure myself it's completely different to how I feel when I'm with my boyfriend, it's a simple physical release whereas with my boyfriend it's with emotion and love. Watching porn doesn't actually mean I find my boyfriend any less attractive, to be honest I would never want to actually be with anyone I've seen in porn, it's just a fantasy and we all have fantasies! We're not made of concrete, we're human, being with someone doesn't mean that you're never going to find anyone else attractive or that you'll never need to wank, what matters is the action that each of us takes.
Going back to Julie's original post, if I'd have walked in on my boyfriend wanking with a girl on a webcam I would have been very upset. For me it's completely different to watching porn, having someone there in real time who you can see and can see you, and even worse if it's someone they know, is taking it a step too far. In fact thinking about it my biggest issue would be someone else looking at or interacting with my boyfriend. I don't mind if he watches porn, I wouldn't even mind if he went to a strip club because I know that he loves me, he might fancy other people but he loves who I am and no one else could change that. But the idea of someone watching him wanking does really bother me.
For all of those people seeking advice I'd say just be true to what you feel comfortable with. If your partner wanking bothers you ask that he only do it when you're out of the house (because come on girls, they're never going to stop it!). If watching porn or using webcams upsets you talk to him about it, make your boundaries clear and if he isn't willing to compromise with you then maybe the relationship isn't right for you. Any lady who feels that they're partner is looking for a younger/prettier/skinnier model should consider that his actions might not be a direct indication or how he feels about you. Having said that if you feel it is you should find someone who worships every bit of you, wobbly or not!
Good luck in working out your own opinions and boundaries, I don't know if my words will help anyone but I do hope that those who have problems in their relationships caused by these issues can work them out. xxx
Anonymous on 12 June 2010 at 9:16am said...
Hi Six months ago I found my husband view & chating with other cam users, asking for CAM fun. We got over hat one and he promised not to do it again.
This week I found he was using Skype to chat live to one 39 year old saying he couldn't wait for me to go out, and other really personal things. This has been going on since Dec last year - 6 months. He said things like he wants to Cum for her and calling her Sexy and can't wait to hear from her again as he misses her.
Feel heat broken.....
I love him and wouldn't consider cheating on him. Sorry I feel me life with him is worth nothing all the bad things we have gone through & he does this to me.
What should I do?
X
guitarist2010 on 20 June 2010 at 5:51pm said...
hi im 14 :) and im very sexually active but im not a slut if thats wat u thinking , i watch my boyfriend wank all the time and he watches me ,a couple of months ago i banned him from porn and he has respected that and left it alone and i trust that he has! , but there was this incident that happened where he found photos of my friends and random hot chick off the internet and wanked over them , i felt my heart crushed but i love him and im not going to leave him , we have been together 2yrs :) , i dont know what to do about this situation and he is always starting random arguements and sometimes accusing me of cheating cause i used to hang out with a guy , help on how to help our realtionship?
loobyloo on 21 June 2010 at 11:30am said...
Your 14! you shouldnt even be having a sexual relationship yet, in England its against the law to be having sex at your age. Whats wrong with the world that a child is on this site talking about masterbation. I am not naive and I know that girls are more active nowadays but it just saddens me that your childhood ended prematurely.
I have 4 daughters, the oldest is 15 and I know the most that shes got up to is a kiss and probably a bit of fumbling. I hope that I have installed enough selfworth in her to wait until shes at least legal. I managed to wait til I was 17.
Crisisokay on 21 June 2010 at 1:33pm said...
I totally agree with Looby - you are 14 and have a lifetime to have sex! Be a young teenager!
I have a daughter who is only 5 but the thought of her as active as you at 14 concerns me.
Just be careful and don't get pregnant.